How do you get better at not giving a shit what people think of you?(97 Posts)
Crippling people pleaser here. I'm terrified of not being liked. I'm sure it's the root of my anxiety.
Ive never cared what people think of me nor my actions. Life is too short to think like that.
If people dont like me well there we go. There’s a lot of people i dont like and really don’t care.
Age. I find that the older I got, the less I cared. I’m 40, I’ve been non caring about 7 years.
Yup over 40 here and couldn’t give two hoots anymore. I really used to though so age helps!
I'm excellent at not giving a shit what people think of me. It's very liberating.
Have you thought about why you care so much?
My feeling is: if you aren't related to me, aren't someone I choose to spend time with or don't pay my salary, I don't care how you feel about me.
Yes! It's age. In my case it was turning 40 and becoming somewhat invisible.
I didn't think it would be a plus point. It is though. I care less what people think though obviously would prefer to get along with people but if they don't like me (and I don't have to spend a lot of time with them e.g. at work) that's their problem. Not mine.
There's a book entitled 'The subtle art of not giving a fuck'. Highly recommend it.
How much of your own day is spent deciding how shit various people are?
Oh just about None you say, then have the decency to recognize that most people are like that in return.
Also, people can recognise Fake (going along with stuff you don’t want to us fake). Being true to yourself always works out better in the end. No-one respects people who try to be all things to all men, because you don’t know who they really are- you just see the facade you know they think is the one you want to see. Can you think of times where you typically sell yourself short to please others?
Not everyone will like you, so best of all like yourself.
It depends what you mean by not caring what people think. I care what some people think about some things.
I would care if the people I love thought I was cruel or selfish; that would upset me a lot.
I don't give a fuck if a stranger thinks I have an ugly haircut, for example, or if Melanie from the finance department at work thinks I'm not funny.
I used to worry a lot about saying no or disagreeing with people that I didn't know really, really well and who I wanted to like me, but actually that alone doesn't put most reasonable people off you.
Like pps , ageing has worked wonders. In my 20s I was a doormat , knocking at the door of 40 I don't care about pleasing others at all.
I think it comes with age and experience.
I only care what people think from those I respect. Random people or those that I don't respect I really don't care what they think of me.
I also think it helps to think of yourself as your own measure. Why should I hold myself accountable to others? Surely I should hold myself accountable to myself iykwim.
I think a big part of it is the realisation that most people are far too interested and absorbed in themselves, and worrying about their own stuff, to actually think about you all that often.
Same as Wendywoo and Disrespectful - I just never really have been bothered. I care that the people I love and respect don’t think I’m a an asshole; I care not a bit what strangers and society at large think about my choices, lifestyle, belongings, opinions etc
If I’m honest, I think it’s because I’m not very invested in most people generally. I genuinely do not care at all what other people do with themselves and their lives - to an extent and on issues I’m aware a lot of people might find distasteful - so it sort of never really occurs to me that others might actually care that way about me, or that I should be interested that they do.
I’m honest and kind to everyone so if they dislike me, there’s nothing I can do about it because I’ve done everything in my control.
Some people just don’t like other people, it’s their prerogative.
I think for me it's about being OK with yourself. For example, I trust myself to try to always to the right thing in terms of... beings good person. I know that I always try to act according to my morals. I might not be fun or interesting or 'like everyone else' (or whatever) but I strive to be good and to do good. So knowing that about myself, other peoples opinions of me, don't matter so much. Because I trust me. As for the other stuff.. Like if they don't like me because I'm not like them - who cares? Lol.
I thought about this a fair bit a while back did a bit of research and came to the following conclusions.
Judgey people judge you because they enjoy it. It's got nothing to do with you or who you are.
Apparently one in 10 people will dislike you for reasons they can't identify precisely. Probably because you remind them, unconsciously, in some way of someone who treated them badly. They may make up reasons to justify it, but mostly won't make the association.
Some people think the worst of others, because of their own experience, or because they have a negative world view.
Non of these is anything to do with you.
Non of the people I've described would change their view easily by you being nice. Or very nice, or even nice to the point of causing yourself problems. Because, mostly, as I said, it's not actually you.
Getting a bit older helps. I generally operate a policy of live and let live. I generally think well of most people but what other people think of me is none of my business nor do I give two hoots. Their opinion of me is meaningless and I don't give that kind of thinking any headspace.
People spot a people pleaser and some of those people, a surprisingly large amount, will use you. They see it as a weakness.
Age does help. Getting burned once too often does help. Motherhood helped (me anyway) because I had someone to always put first and not enough time for others.
The thing is it’s not easy to spot the users so unfortunately you have to get a bit harder. You are allowed to say no, you don’t have to give a reason (practise this, just saying nonwothout a reason that can be knocked down by the bullies) and in the very first instance have a stock phrase such as “I’ll get back to you” or “I’ll think about it” so you have bought yourself some time to say no.
I'm assuming it comes with age, I was crippled with anxiety as a teenager and young woman, I have gotten hugely better in my 30s, know my own mind and much more confident to speak it. That said I do still worry too much about what people think of me but not so much to the extent it limits me, I will be unstoppable in my 40s 😂
It can help to get to know people better, and find out they have values I completely don't agree with. Our native prejudice is to assume most people have same values as us, but rarely true.
Like the "Should I go grey?" thread running right now. A lot of posters are saying that having grey hair is bad because
"It ages you". Why age is bad they don't say explicitly, but it seems to mean "all old people look ugly and looking old means you might actually be old, since being old is ugly & maybe even disgusting, should not run the risk of looking old")
Since I don't think old people are inherently ugly or disgusting: bingo! I know not to care what they think. We have different values. In real life I would spot the same people opining on other subjects and be even more affirmed in not caring about their other opinions, too.
I was like this until last year when I had the realisation of why would I care about someone's opinions of me if I had no respect for them! And that has now turned in to me just not caring about what anyone thinks of me, with the exception of my husband and children.
And remember, your people pleasing doesn’t change their opinion of you, they still think you are weak.
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