How do you get better at not giving a shit what people think of you?

[Binpedal]

Crippling people pleaser here. I'm terrified of not being liked. I'm sure it's the root of my anxiety.

Any tips?

I used to be a people pleaser. But, I still help people out. If they’re an arsehole I will flick a few V’s behind their back to make me feel better.
I also have a saying at work ‘I just really don’t care’ this is said when someone has come to me with a problem, I’ve given them an easy solution and they’ve ignored it and are having s moan at me.
My closest colleague cracks up. But I agree it is with age.
I really don’t care 🤷🏼‍♀️ Meh!
I go home and leave work there.

Another vote for age. I'm 35 now and couldn't care less. I used to, a lot. But not anymore. 🤷🏼‍♀️

How old are you OP,if you don't mind me asking? I ask because I have found that not giving a shit about what people think of you is a confidence that developes with age. I was an extremely shy teenager,and this persisted into my 20s and 30s. But by the time I hit 40, I realised that I was actually comfortable in my own skin and wasn't worrying constantly about what other people thought of me. This confidence has continued to grow,and now at 55,while I would never call myself an extrovert,I am quietly confident. My attitude is that the vast majority of people are too wrapped up in themselves and their phones to take that much notice of the likes of me.

I do struggle to understand why people want to please everyone all the time. Doesn't your desires and wants matter as much as the other person?

I have far more respect for someone who said they didn't want to do something rather than someone who went along with it 'just to please me'. Remember saying no doesn't make you a bad person.

Having gone through certain situations and age have toughened me up.

I don't give an ouch of fuck what people think.

I honestly just don't care. I don't know how I'm like this, I just always have been.

I overheard my MIL tell people that she “just gets fusioluxe to do it” and everyone laughed.

I never did another thing for her. Not one thing. I never told her why as I didn’t want her to have that ammunition (she’d minimise it). I just told her I wasn’t doing anything for others anymore!

Age and hard life lessons has helped.

Age helps. Also, if you live in one place long enough, you learn that a lot of people have massive double standards (you have to behave in a certain way to be liked, but they can do as they please), or are users or barely know you exist. This is very liberating. You realise no one gives a shit much about you either way, so be yourself. Say what you think and mean. Say no when it suits you. Avoid draining, challenging people who demand constant attention. Challange shitty behaviour. It makes you feel stronger.

You’re not an ornament or a bit part actor in your life. Be the protagonist.

BatsAreCool

I do struggle to understand why people want to please everyone all the time. Doesn't your desires and wants matter as much as the other person?

With me it was a narcissistic mother who shamed me in front of people all the time, so I became a people pleaser to try and be liked. Wrecked my life for years but the mouse roared when I became a mother.

It was pretty brutal but it took my 3 week old baby almost dying to realise that life is too short to care about what people think. Do what you want and ignore everyone else!

If you care about what others think of you, then you will always be there slave.

Age in my case.
All people pleasing does imo is put a massive pisstakers welcome sign on you.
Especially at work.

I'm sure it's age, I'm over 60 now and I truly don't give a fuck what people think about me.
It became a lot easier for me when I stopped contact with my mother. That was extraordinarily liberating. So no more judgemental shit and manipulative behaviour from her. I really felt like a different person after cutting ties with such a toxic person.

Agree it’s to do with a mixture of age and how many times you’ve been hurt. The more you’re battered the more you learn and start giving less of a shit. I stop giving a shit around age 30/31. I’m almost 36 now and couldn’t give a crap what people think of me. I’m me and the people who like me, like me. If they don’t, fuck off!

Yep, getting older is what does it for most people.

Plus you need to remember that people's opinions/judgements are normally caused by what they are like, not what you are like.

Plus you need to remember even more that hardly anyone even thinks about you that much, either positively or negatively. You're only a tiny little part of their lives. They're not your audience. They are thinking about other things. (Unless you're the Duchess of either Cambridge or Sussex, and even then the vast majority of people aren't thinking about you at all.)

I had a real watershed moment in early 20s when I realised that whatever you are like there will always be people who don't like you. Yes, even if you are 'nice' and a 'people pleaser'. And I can't say I've 100% got over needing to be liked, but realising that helped a lot - it helped me realise that if someone didn't like me it didn't mean I was a bad person, it just meant I wasn't their kind of person.

I also realised a few years earlier that I try to treat people well, so why should I worry about the opinions of nasty people who don't treat people well? I don't need to be liked by people like that.

And remember that most people don't bother to talk much about other people, they are far too busy thinking about themselves, and, again, for those who do trash-talk other people, they're not individuals whose good opinion you need.

I'm fine saying no to things and being fairly honest but I still care enormously what other people think of me which is irritating. I'm in my 50's so not sure age will come to my rescue!

I have a theory that you are born with a certain number of fucks to give about this kind of thing, and by the time you are 40 you have used up almost all of them.

Age. Yeh.

I can’t control what others think of me and if I’m not their cup of tea so be it, I don’t lose sleep over it.

If people have a negative opinion about me that’s their issue not mine as I think I’m a pleasant helpful sort but not a walkover.

@fusioluxe, yeh, if your mother raises you to sublimate all of your own needs you end up ''reading the room'' constantly, not consciously though, it's involuntary, you end up with a heightened awareness of the wants, needs and desires and emotions of the people you're friends with and/or in relationships with. The closer the relationship the worse it is.

I'm a recovered people pleaser and it's not being fake, or a lack of authenticity or an attempt to manipulate. It goes deeper.

I was trained to seek my mother's approval and I feel discomfort if I don't get it. I ignore it now, it doesn't change my course but I"m aware of it.

It was also age with me. I was hideously self-conscious and people-pleasing in my 20s and most of my 30s. It was like a switch flicked when I turned 40.