How do you get better at not giving a shit what people think of you?

[Binpedal]

Crippling people pleaser here. I'm terrified of not being liked. I'm sure it's the root of my anxiety.

Any tips?

I came to realise that a lot of people I would never see again so it doesn't really matter and those who do judge me, it says more about them than it does about me.

Think about people who really matter to you, who you reallly respect and value. Start with only wanting to please them ! This helps to begin the process of not caring what some people think and from then it gets easier!

As I've got older, more confident and more secure in myself I care less and less what randomers or even people I know think of me.

I used to be a terrible people pleaser and pander to people who were mean to me until I left my awful marriage and finally realised that it doesn't make people like you more, they just despise you as a doormat and a pushover.

Now that I don't give a fuck (I'm not rude, I'm a nice person I just don't stand for any nonsense) people like me much more and I don't attract mean cheeky fuckers,

I totally get what pps are saying about age/experience making it easier.

However even as a teen I didn't bother about what people I didn't respect or care for thought. I wasn't the geekiest, least fashionable at school but neither was I in the "in" crowd and it didn't bother me. I had the friends I respected & cared for (and the core group - we all sat on the same table in reg class - are still all in touch and we've supported each other through various life experiences) we had great fun together in our own way and we're still friends and still have the same outlook on life as each other roughly, over 30 years later.

Maybe because my home life was so shit I had a better perspective? On what was important? Eg I didn't care if people thought I wasn't wearing "cool" clothes, I wore what I liked. I also had no interest in drink/drugs, smoking etc for my own reasons so if people tried to get me to do these things I felt comfortable saying no. But equally I didn't lecture others about their choices, although if pressed I'd give my opinion.

Then in my 30's I had a breakdown (combination of trying to do too much, dealing with a nasty divorce/ex, not having any real support, then a bad car accident leaving me disabled, carless & skint!).

When things have been that bad I've found it harder to give a fuck if someone likes my hair or things I'm fat!

And yes, turning 40. Certain family relationships I realised weren't healthy so I binned them. Dd had just prior been DX with her disability too so my priority was very much our little family.

"wouldn't worry so muchabout what others think of you if you realized how seldom theydo.” Apparently Eleanor Roosevelt.

So true. As pp said - what do YOU think of others? Do you judge them on their appearance? Jobs? Lifestyle?

Most of us generally don't care we're more wrapped up in our own lives.

Even when we do notice certain things another thing MOST of us learn as we age is not to judge OTHERS harshly/unkindly and not to make assumptions.

Personally I have a people pleaser in my life who drives me NUTS because by trying to please EVERYONE they end up telling people contradictory things just because they think it's what that person wants to hear.

It's resulted in huge misunderstandings and even outright offence "but you told me you could do X activity/event with me AFTER you'd told A you were doing Y (50 miles in other direction 20 mins earlier type thing!) with them that day" infuriating! And doesn't actually PLEASE people. You just knacker yourself & end up over committed.

FAR better to be polite BUT honest.

"while I would never call myself an extrovert" extroverts aren't necessarily confident. Lots of performers are extrovert but extremely anxious to please.

A phrase I've seen on FB recently sums it up well

"You can't be everyone's cuppa or you'd be a mug!"

I do actually remember a time once a girl at school in the "in crowd" made a point of coming up to me in the playground and saying "I don't like you" and laughing. Weird. But her face when I said "I don't care. Why would I?" and walked away was apparently priceless.

As a pretty, popular girl she was USED to people wanting her to like them. She couldn't compute someone not caring less what she thought! I heard later it bothered her for weeks, I didn't think about it until someone mentioned it to me past that break time and even then I was like "oh how weird" and basically shrugged it off.

I'm not completely immune to hurtful comments I am still human, but I try to deal with them appropriately and not let them overly bother me, sometimes easier said than done.

Are you constantly judging and assessing folk and finding them wanting? Do you look at anyone who lives their life in a different way to you and criticise and slag them off? Do you expect everyone you meet to impress you and go out of their way to be your best pal.

No. No, you don't. And even if you are obsessively analysing other people's business do those other people know you are doing that? They don't.

Folk generally give zero fucks about other people's choices. They mostly just crack on living their lives. No one is all that bothered by what you're doing. Just get on with whatever suits you.

How old are you OP? I think it becomes easier as you get older.

I learnt a long time ago not to allow negativity from other people to remain in my mind. I would recall the memory, imagine it written on a piece of paper, screwing up the paper and mentally throwing it back forcefully at the other person. Takes a bit of practice but it works.

It was like a switch being flicked. I genuinely just did not care anymore. So liberating.

It would be a sad world if none of us cared at all what others think. That said, age is a fantastic cure for the vanity of needing to be liked. You realise the world doesn’t really revolve around you, that the state of your nails or hair is fairly immaterial and that those that love you do love all of you - foibles included.
I wouldn’t go out of my way to deliberately offend. I try to be kind. I like to wear nice things and do nice things with nice people but....if I don’t like someone and disapprove of their values, I’m not about to pretend.
I am not going to dress up to walk the dog. If I like my old warm coat with odd buttons then that’s fine by me. If I don’t want to go to a chain restaurant with a group I am not close to, l simply say that I’d rather fry my toes in boiling diesel.

Age really helps

I suddenly realised that I was expending massive amounts of energy on managing other people’s opinion of me, but actually, mostly they were people who I didn’t actually like very much. I just stopped. I’m much happier, and actually people seem to respond much better to me now that I’m not filtering myself.

Binpedal, it does get easier with age - sorry if that sounds patronising, but it just does. (I mean, I still massively overthink things and get hurt very easily if precious people hurt me, I'm not dead inside!)

But back to the topic - I try and look at it like this:
I don't like everyone I meet; so I don't expect everyone to like me.
Sometimes it will be the second you clap eyes on each other,. Sometimes it will be something they say or do.

But it's just not realistic for everyone to like everyone. In fact that would be downright creepy!

What's the fear OF? What HAPPENS if they don't like you?

I live by this, and I advise others do likewise:

At 20 you worry about what other people think about you.
At 30 you stop worrying about what other people think about you.
At 40 you realise they were never thinking about you in the first place!

Sad fact is most people are totally self-involved. And the rest are too nice to judge you anyway.

Another helpful thought is this. Self-esteem isn’t a spectrum on a line from left (no self-esteem) to right (too much self-esteem). It’s a circle, with the extreme positions right next to each other, where the circle joins up. Know why? Because egotists and very meek people share a key trait- they’re both sure it’s ‘all about them’!

Definitely getting older. I’ve observed a lot of people and generally they don’t really change. People who don’t like you most likely don’t like many people and are a bit miserable/ over sensitive / envious / frustrated/ unhappy and it says more about them. It’s a lot easier not to take things personally when you realise that.
However if someone snaps at me or is mean that still upsets me but I know I get over it pretty quickly and that again it’s more about them.
You also develop more conviction in your own abilities, opinions and tastes as you get older and you know they don’t have to match with others.

Again, for me, it’s come with age.

Also I got much better at it after my mum passed away. She always used to say “what will people think?” about every little situation & that really used to play on my mind.

I’m now 43 and truly value the opinion of very few people!

To do with work have borrowed a couple of books
one is called "getting to yes"
the other is called "getting past no"
also read "pseudoscience and the parnormal"
and then I'd strongly suggest subscribing to
Private Eye
and
New Scientist
and if you can
THe Economist
as the more you understand people (getting older has the same effect) the less they bug you and the better you can work with them

The most helpful thing for me in learning not to give a shit is reading Mumsnet threads tbh. So many feisty and thought provoking replies on various topics. I have really gained confidence and tactics to deal with shit from others. I'm often quite surprised by myself these days. I've stopped saying sorry this year on purpose. If you fucking walk straight into me and are simply rude, I'm not fucking apologising anymore for simply taking up my space on earth. The grey rock technique(or whatever it is) of not giving nasty folk anything to work with is also useful. And I'm not explaining myself so much
It's great!

Âge definitely helps. Since turning 40, and becoming a bit invisible, I feel liberated from all that crap associated with looking attractive (to men). I honestly don’t give a crap about romantic love, which was my Achilles heel in terms of people pleasing for far too long. I love DH, we are a solid team and have fun together - that’s enough for me.

Also therapy and self-help. I’ve never seen a therapist but read a lot of useful books that really spoke to me. Feel the Fear And Do It Anywsy was a really helpful one.

OP build up your self-esteem, so you have inner love. Then anytime you get the feeling someone doesn't "like" you you can smile quietly to yourself and think it's 100% their loss, they don't know or care about me because if they did, they'd realise I'm OK.

I've had it recently where someone started that game of trying to diss me, put me down, find fault etc. I held my ground, continued to be pleasant to them even when they were being vile, and surprise surprise they suddenly realised that because I got on with pretty much everyone else, they were the bad apple in the cart and they completely turned it around and have been civilised to me. I didn't feel grateful to them for their change of heart, I just thought, good glad you've started being a decent human being instead of an utter arse

justforareply I lurve doing the grey rock impression. I imagine myself as this big lump or granite with two eyes 👀 blinking in the middle, completely expressionless. Who ever invented that concept deserves a medal, it works every time!

Definitely age. 42 now and don't give a fuck, so long as I have not behaved inappropriately. Which is my judgement, not theirs!

I'm 22 and don't want to have to wait another 10 plus years. I will check out that book.

Once I realised the people I was talking to and interacting with, were probably not actually thinking about ME when I met them - and were more likely to be thinking about their tea, their children, wanting a wee, just life's mundane bits, it no longer mattered.
Because if you think about it, generally you are really thinking about similar mundane things yourself.
So someone is most likely not thinking 'my goodness she is xxx' but are actually 'i wonder where she got her earrings from, well spag bol for tea it is then'. So why worry?
I also taught adults for many years. You soon realise that not everyone in this world likes you and that you cannot make them do so. So why worry. Surround yourself with people who love you, it is enough.

I hear you @waterbird. If I could recommend two books to my 22 year old self they might be Nathanial Barden's six pillars of self-esteem and Anne Dickson's ''A woman in your own right''. I was in my lat 30s when I read them and it was various life crises causes by bad decisions borne out of a fragile sense of myself and caring too much what other people thought that had lead to me not following my own inner voice. Actually, deliberately drowning it out.

Also a realisation that yes, some people will judge and do judge but that that's not the type of person that I want to be nor the type of person that I want in my life. MOST people will give things a positive interpretation not a negative interpretation and the ones who give what you've done/said/thought/bought the most negative interpretation possible, they're the ones you want to edge away from and rise above.

48 now and my head is no longer plagued, nor even interrupted really (except maybe in very exceptional circumstances) by critical inner voices quoting ''what they (?) might think''

@EastMidGPs, I found that insistence that no, other people are not thinking about you did not help me. Because the truth is that there are people out there who have no deep thoughts in their head, they turn their examination OUTwards to avoid looking inwards, so a starting point for silencing these voices cannot be denial. Judgers do judge. Judgers exist.

It's not helpful to people who suffer from over analysis of what 'other people might think' to tell them that they're wrong and people aren't thinking about them.

The step forward in my opinion is to acknowledge that people do have opinions yes. They're entitled to their opinions. Maybe they have too many opinions and maybe their opinions are wrong or unkind but their opinions are their prerogative and instead of denying that strangers may have an opinion on the course / husband/ dress/ job you chose, the path to freedom from that reality is to acknowledge it and learn to deal with it and then eventually ignore it.

The ''they're not thinking about you, they're thinking about their tea'' advice may be true. But equally, your relatives and friends and neighbours may have an opinion on your dropping out of college to start a business or your blue hair or your having that fourth child or your husband's tattoo. God knows. People DO have opinions.

But most people if they are in a secure content place themselves will want to give other people's actions a positive not a negative interpretation.

I agree with everyone else...it’s one of the pros of getting older and going through the mill a bit. You prioritise differently as experience guides you and one of the things that falls by the wayside is putting yourself out just to be liked. You become more comfortable in your own skin and seek out the approval of others far less.

Age definitely helps