Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

How do you get better at not giving a shit what people think of you?

96 replies

Binpedal · 09/02/2019 16:02

Crippling people pleaser here. I'm terrified of not being liked. I'm sure it's the root of my anxiety.

Any tips?

OP posts:

cuppycakey · 10/02/2019 09:34

I also used to be like this due to abusive narc mother. I had counselling which helped a lot. Other than that, I have read a lot of the books mentioned on here.

I also agree with the Eleanor Roosevelt quote already mentioned but worth repeating you wouldn't worry so much about what others think of you if you realized how seldom they do.

As I have got older and more aware of my mortality, I have found it easier to give zero fucks. I want to spend time doing what I want, not pleasing others (within reason of course) If people don't like it then so what? How is that my problem? If people get angry, they are angry. It's a normal emotion. You need better boundaries.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 10/02/2019 09:58

Probably not much help now, but i found that it came with getting older.

I don't mean things as in doing favours or helping anyone - though luckily I've never been plagued with too much CF-ery - but I no longer give a toss about whether anyone thinks I'm being boring, wimpy or unsociable, if I say no to things I used to say yes to, knowing I almost certainly wouldn't enjoy them. Whereas I used to give multiple tosses about such things.

WaterBird · 10/02/2019 19:06

Thanks for the book recommendations.
I'd be very curious to know at what age people stopped caring what their parents thought.

OneStepMoreFun · 10/02/2019 21:09

WaterBird I began to stop caring what my parents thought aorund age 50 and now I really don't care, aged 54. Wish it had happened sooner.

SalrycLuxx · 11/02/2019 17:05

At about 30

Pomello · 11/02/2019 18:16

@waterbird !! I have only dealt with this particular nugget fairly recently. It's not that it would have been impossible earlier, it's just that I felt great discomfort when I didn't please them, when I was aware that I was making a choice or doing or not doing something that they disapproved of. The way I used to get rid of that feeling was to either defend my choice (which never helped) or I would try to do what they wanted. But I felt resentful and made snippy comments and so it wasn't as if they appreciated the fact that I"d sublimated my own wishes to please them! They didn't recognise that.

So, the way it starts to improve is just this, next time you do something that you're parents don't approve of, just sit with the discomfort. Don't exercise like a maniac. Don't defend yourself like you're on trial. Don't have a bottle of wine (all of my go tos!).

Just be aware of what you're feeling and WHY you're feeling it and don't do anything to camouflage the feeling. Simply sit with it and allow it until it passes. And it will pass. And then the next time you're aware that you're displeasing your parents, the excruciating awkwardness will not be quiiiite so uncomfortable.

DiaryofWimpyMumm · 11/02/2019 21:59

I'm 45 now and couldn't give a toss what people think. I can't change their perception of me so try not to care. It gets easier the older I get

DorothyZbornak · 11/02/2019 22:10

This OP:

How do you get better at not giving a shit what people think of you?

StillMedusa · 11/02/2019 22:21

For me it was an illness that took me off work for a whole school term. I worried how I would be perceived, whether people would think I was swinging the lead (nope a neurological virus)..just what would people think.
Then I went back, people were cheerfully glad to see me on my feet and back in the classroom, and no one gave it another thought.
LIGHTBULB moment... people don't think about us anywhere near as much as we think!

Then I got older, and my last flying fuck was given

Now I'm 51. I love my family, I care about my very small group of friends, but outside of that... nope. I try and do a good job, be a kind and decent person to everyone, and have always assumed that most people are nice, unless they show me otherwise.
But I wear my grey hair with pride, wear hippy pants because they are comfy, don't socialise because I dread it, so I don't any more! I do a hobby for ME, and I went on supply at school so that I am never asked to ridiculous extras any more... bliss!

It is very freeing!

halfwitpicker · 12/02/2019 01:33

But the mouse roared when I became a mother.
^^

This.

Age too makes a difference. I simply don't have time for most shit!

Also, people sense if you're weak/likely to say yes to stuff. You have to get that glint in your eye aka bitchy resting facw/resting bitch face, whichever one it is. People won't take the piss then.

WaterBird · 13/02/2019 03:51

Wow, thank you so much for the ideas about parent approval. They're not usually major things but I guess I've just been very used to either making decisions that I know will please them, or just making a decision without telling them.

Decormad38 · 13/02/2019 04:57

I’ve kind of gone the other way. In my teens, 20s,30s I couldn’t have given a toss and was blatantly rude at times. Now Im 50 I’ve mellowed and much more sensitive. I decided I didn’t like being an asshole. It’s a positive thing to care not a negative.

echt · 13/02/2019 05:04

I have always had the resting bitch face which can helpful. Getting older helps. I don't not care what anyone thinks, just have a circle whose good opinion I value.

Since DH died, I've noticed I don't suffer fools gladly, and say so. Before I would avoid them, now I push back.

WholeL0ttaRosie · 13/02/2019 12:10

"The woman who does not require validation from anyone is the most feared individual on the planet"

CountessConstance · 14/02/2019 22:17

"The woman who does not require validation from anyone is the most feared individual on the planet"
Absolutely

scaryteacher · 14/02/2019 23:38

I agree with getting older. Once I turned 50, I had no fucks left to give.

There are people whose good opinion I value, and I will go out of my way to help them out. The rest I cannot be arsed with. From MN I have learned that 'no' is a complete sentence.

I had a couple of lightbulb moments in my 40s...a NDN came onto my property with his builder, ignoring me watching them and proceeded to confer about something in the back yard, then left. The next night he came back demanding that I move both my oil tank and shed as he wanted to access the barn they were placed against. They were there when he bought his property, as we had lived there longer. I was about to agree, when I realised he was trying to intimidate me, so I refused to engage, and said no. He huffed and puffed, demanded dh's work number and email address, and demanded to speak to him. As he worked in Brussels, this was not going to happen.

I conferred with dh later, and the response to the neighbour was if it is possible to scaffold round the conning tower of a nuclear submarine, then your builder can scaffold over my shed and oil tank. End of discussion, and please, next time, ask if you wish to access my property, as otherwise I'll call the police as you are trespassing. I felt quite empowered!

The next lightbulb moment was when mil revealed her true colours and I realised that she had been manipulating me for 25 years. That soon stopped and I haven't spoken to her since 2013.

MostlyBoastly · 14/02/2019 23:47

I used to worry I was an unlikable twat.

I think the older I get, the more I realise that everyone is a twat and I couldn’t care less if they like me or not.

MumUnderTheMoon · 15/02/2019 00:14

Honestly the epiphany I had sound so harsh but it makes me feel so free. " I'm not that important". In the grand scheme of things other people have so much going on that they haven't the time of day to spare a thought for what I'm doing.

Bedsidedrawer · 15/02/2019 07:54

Well I read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck
Great read thanks!
Going to really work at this.

WheelyCote · 15/02/2019 08:12

Age.
I still don't like rocking the apple cart but after bullying at work....I think I was an easy target...I now don't care whether these people like me.

With this happening I then realised that I was being pushed around in a friend group....people pleasing meant I rarely stood my ground making it easier for people to push my boundaries. I don't take that anymore either.

It's cost me one friend and I'm sad about it but she seems to like me as the downtrodden people pleaser and on the occasion we do talk...still tries to put me down.

Last convo we had was her telling me I live in my comfort zone because I didn't want to sign up to her Networking skincare selling thing or attend her 400pound change your life weekend course aka SAS style.

Work colleagues I'm professional with but no longer could give a ratsarse about. Even the ones who didn't bully....they stood by and let it happen. They've just made me stronger.

Sweepingcalamity · 15/02/2019 08:19

It took me a long time (too long!) to realise that you need to plough your own furrow in life. Like blokes do really without a second thought. They don't ask permission. Even the best, most selfless caring bloke won't necessarily alter his own job/living situation to suit you both. And once you realise that you and only you (child considerations taken in to account of course ) are responsible for your own future, and you have a couple of objectives in mind, and a good idea of how you live and the sort of person you want to be, then you care less what other people think.

Flip

1 2 3 4