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Needing help with my 23 y/o son...

4 replies

DavidBluetooth · 30/04/2017 22:38

I'll try and keep this brief. Me and my wife are at our wits end... it's been very stressful raising him, and it's not exactly paying off now that he is 23 and still living at home. I just want to connect with him.

He was always different and never likes what other boys like. While other boys are out playing football and going to the cinema he is either watching anim/anime or playing with his Pokémon cards or often downloading these Japanese games and watching esports. He doesn't get on well with other boys too... for example when he went on holiday with 3 other boys, they didn't speak to him afterwards and I now suspect they are trying to throw eggs at his window every few weeks. Whenever I pick him up from going to ComicCon or buying Pokémon cards, he never speaks to me. It's like I'm just his taxi driver, and he never tells me how he is feeling even though I always ask him. A few of his friends try to encourage him to speak to us but it just hasn't worked :(

This is kind of an urgent appeal. We have been good parents. Our other son is a canvasser and he seems to be successful.

What is more worrying is that he is negatively affecting our 6 year old son, . I often see them together in a room with the door closed and I think he is teaching him about anime and pokemon. It's really stressful because I want him to be free to do what he wants but if he turns out to be depressed and antisocial it will be a very grim repeat of our first son.

What do I do? I want to connect with him and encourage him to have friends and do normal things but I suspect he will continue on his path to self destruction. He stays at home at the moment while he's saving for a new flat. If he moves in himself I suspect we will lose him forever. But at least our youngest child might have a chance.

What do I do?

Edit: I forgot to add this, but I seen him dressing up as a woman once with shaved legs and arms... and I want to be supportive but he doesn't share anything with me. He told one of his friends he wanted to become a woman. Maybe we should get him tested or something?

OP posts:
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user1471537877 · 02/05/2017 10:00

Hi op

Have you ever raised your concerns with his doctor or school when he was younger?

The man you're describing has some red flags that could point to an autistic spectrum disorder

He sounds like he needs some support with social skills at the very least, gender disphoria is not uncommon on the spectrum

Perhaps you could take him for a chat with his gp to seek further support

With regard to your 6 year old, if it is ASD that doesn't rub off on other children, it can however be familial running in families

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NancyDonahue · 02/05/2017 13:56

He's working I presume, as he's saving up for a flat?

It does sound very frustrating for you but unfortunately some boys do drift from their family. It's absolutely not your fault. He may have some mental health or issues such as Aspergers but at 23 he would need to seek help for this himself.

I think you need to keep the communication going as much as possible. Make him fully aware he's a full family member even though he has somewhat checked out. Make sure he's invited to all family events for example, don't just assume he won't go.

It's nice that he spends time with his 6 year old brother, but equally don't let the 6 year old spend too much time gaming. Maybe try and get them outside kicking a ball etc, easier said than done I know.

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TheAwkwardMother · 06/05/2017 22:14

Get him tested for what? He is probably so awkward with you because you seem to be pointing the finger rather than being accepting.
Anime is perfectly as normal as football. My husband likes Pokemon and anime too (we are also both 23) and he hates football. It doesn't make him depressed it's just an interest.
Maybe the socially awkwardness and depression comes from something else, maybe him being in his room with the younger son means he feels connected enough to him to share his interest.
Idk I just feel like this post comes across as very judgemental. Maybe you could possibly go to his room and act interested in his hobby, he may even open up to you about the real problems he has.

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BlueAutumnSkies · 09/05/2017 07:50

I wasn't a 'normal' girl growing up and prefered sci-fi, anime, reading, pulling apart computers and Pokemon/Digimon to makeup, nightclubs and fashion mags. Even though my parents never said they were disappointed in how I was, it was really obvious in how they spoke to me and their suggestions in what I should be doing. It meant I kept myself secret from people as I felt judged and at almost 30 we have no shared interests and a poor relationship.

It made it really hard as a teen until I moved out and realised actually there was nothing wrong with my interests or me and they were expecting me to be a really narrow definition of a girl and there were loads of other girls with my interests too! But it left some really confused feelings for years and I did wonder if I was normal and questioned everything about me, orientation, whether I was really a boy because my interests weren't girly, looks (I had every colour hair imaginable) and made me so socially awkward that from 16-18 I was so anxious I went mute at school. It changed within a couple of weeks of moving out when I felt I could relax and be me.

Although you may not realise it he could well be picking up on your frustrations that he isn't the boy playing football, that he is the 'dork' playing and you don't really want his little brother hanging out with him. That social exclusion, the feeling of being an outsider is insanely destructive, particularly at home when you should be able to be exactly who you are - no mask - and still feel loved.

Is there a family member outside the immediate circle, perhaps a similarly aged cousin or aunt or uncle that might be open to suggesting to him he moves in for some freedom for a bit? It might do your relationship good to create some geographical distance and a chance for him to grow.

For what it is worth though, absolutely loads of guys have the same hobbies he has and aren't sporty. I do think if you showed a little interest in what he likes, watched a few of his favourite shows and started a conversation about it you may well be surprised. My cousin is quiet and reserved until you start a conversation about Call Of Duty... four hours later you will get a word in! 😊

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