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Original poster

Getting over the fact that contemporaries who didn't take time out with kids are so much further on in careers?

79 replies

Bleenherbe · 26/02/2010 11:03

Just that really. Having attack of the "I coulda been a contender" glooms. Keep telling self:
wanted to spend time with children;
glittering prizes not that glittering;
World full of people with real problems.
Grateful for any ideas of how to give self a shake or just anecdotes from people struggling with similar thoughts!

OP posts:
ssd · 26/02/2010 12:28

can I join in?

I'm 43 and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. My kids are 9 and 11 and I gave up work to raise them, now I'm working part time around them. I don't know when to go back (ha ha) to a career, the kids'll need me for yeARs yet, what with school holidays and having no family to help out nearby.

I don't know any answers, but just wanted to say hi to everyone on this thread! (hope I haven't killed it now )

gramercy · 26/02/2010 12:30

Oh, no. This week I have been on the "old hags" thread and now the "washed up SAHM" thread. I am in a complete February slump.

Recently I've been having trouble sleeping because at this point I am old and unemployable. All other SAHMs seem to be earth mother types with 15 children, or yummy mummies with heaps of friends and a big charge card. I am a useless housewife and certainly not rich enough to spend any money on beautifying myself and lunching in chic eateries (scans local area in vain for chic eatery anyway).

I had a media-ish job (I won't honour it with the title of career) and also spent several years wafting around living abroad. Actually I'm pleased I did that: at least I can say, yes, I have done a few reckless/exciting things instead of spending my whole life shinning up the slippery pole.

Original poster
Bleenherbe · 26/02/2010 12:39

Hello ssd, am only a whisker younger than you and hello, gramercy, Very happy if this turns into regular support for thsoe of us in er transition...

OP posts:
mackerel · 26/02/2010 12:41

Bleenherbe, I'm often in a similar position to you and am looking to return to part time work after 8 years bringing up 4 DC, youngest is 2.5. I often look around my peers and the coulda shoulda moment hits me.Maybe you should stop and look at all the positive things you've achieved in the last few years. All these people who talk about their glittering careers and prestige attached to their jobs etc might also be having coulkda shoulda moments too. Grass always greener etc. I think there's plenty of time for me to catch up in the next 20 years.

cakeywakey · 26/02/2010 12:45

I know how you feel OP, but the grass isn't always greener and you'll never really know what route your career path would have taken - it's a moot point surely now though, as you can't go back and change that.

However, I scare myself comfort myself with the fact that once my DD and Baby-on-the-way are grown up enough, I'll have around 20 years of full-time working life left to effortlessly climb that greasy pole as a confident and mature women who can take on anything that's thrown in her path.

I'm looking forward to being that woman, she's fantastic (and a fabulous dresser), so am happy to enjoy my time treading career water while I raise my family

Original poster
Bleenherbe · 26/02/2010 12:46

Hello mackerel,I do know that if I had had the career some of my contemporaries have had I wouldn't have seen much of my kids. There are moments when they are fighting when that doesn't seem so terrible, ahem...

OP posts:
Original poster
Bleenherbe · 26/02/2010 12:47

Hi cakeywakey, i think the pressure of having to start being that woman quite soon is getting to me!

OP posts:
cakeywakey · 26/02/2010 12:50

I know it's a cliche, but the only way to eat an elephant is little by little. Start chipping away at the sorting out you need to do in yor changed role rather than seeing it as one big job. You can be that fab woman. You are that fab woman!

mackerel · 26/02/2010 12:54

Bleenherbe, I know exactly what you mean. My DH does a tough job and jokes with his colleagues that he gets in so early because it's a preferable option to having to do breakfast with 4 DC! My uncle had a dazzlingly successful career. We went to his place in France with our firast son a few years back and he was very wistful about what he had missed. I think that life is too short for regrets and there's not much point looking at what could have been because it will only make you unhappy. I think that being a SAHM is tricky because at times it's hard to see why you've bothered, what you've achieved and you don't exactly get positive feedback. More like, I hate you mummy, you're the worst mummy in the world..My DH and I trained together in our professional careers and I was more experienced on qualifying. He has far outstripped me now, as have all our friends who I trained with. They are sometimes subtly critical of our choice to have me be a SAHM. I don't think one thing is better than the other. You make your choices and then you live with it. Coming out the other end I can see the gap in my career looming before me. But it was only 8 years, compared with 20+ left of my career. I know that some careers are much harder to re-enter etc. Don't regret your choice though.

Original poster
Bleenherbe · 26/02/2010 12:58

Awh, thank you both, actually had never heard that eating an elephant thing before, I like it! And the "I hate you mummy" s are hard, aren't they?

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 26/02/2010 13:00

Hmm.

We all need to feel a sense of achievement in life to be happy, IMVHO. But we all also need to realise that we cannot have multiple simultaneous achievements at a very high level - no-one expects an Olympic medallist to be a prima ballerina as well, and to have a sideline as a concert pianist.

The real killer, IMO, is when you give up work to take care of your home and family and then you don't really take care of your home and family and hence get no sense of achievement from it. A lot of women can slip into this - it is harder than we think, when we are used to existing within a structure (work) that pushes us forward willy-nilly, to create our own goals and the structure to make them achievable.

hatwoman · 26/02/2010 13:10

don't forget there are plenty of people having "could've been a contender" moments who don't have kid-related breaks to blame it on. Imagine if you'd buried yourself in work for 20-odd years and still didn;t get anywhere...

Bonsoir · 26/02/2010 13:12

hatwoman - wise words. I can think of quite a few of those! People who slave away at something they are never going to be any good at... why?

hatwoman · 26/02/2010 13:19

I say that as someone full of could-ve moments. And I've compounded it by moving out of London where there are no jobs, not any, outside London in my line of work.

Bonsoir · 26/02/2010 13:21

LOL. So where do you derive your sense of achievement from these days?

cakeywakey · 26/02/2010 13:22

Very true, not everyone can be a contender. There are always fewer chiefs and more Indians, doesn't mean you can't aim high though. You just need to be realistic.

At my annual review at the moment, when I'm asked the 'where do you see ourself in 12 months' I say in the same job, but doing it better and learning all the time. That's realistic for now and I'm happy with it. When I go back fulltime though I want to, and will, climb that ladder (with a fablos wardrobe of course )

Original poster
Bleenherbe · 26/02/2010 13:25

Very true, hatwoman.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bleenherbe · 26/02/2010 13:26

should read " try get to top fo greasy pole"

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 26/02/2010 13:28

That's the French way. If you work FT, you have two children minimum (four would always be better). If you don't work FT, you have four children minimum to justify that choice.

Original poster
Bleenherbe · 26/02/2010 13:29

Hmm, perhaps more children is the answer, but would have to start stacking them on top of each other...

OP posts:
gramercy · 26/02/2010 13:31

The trouble is that thinking about returning to work makes my shoulders slump. I don't want to do a "mummy job". I don't want to be a teaching assistant, work in a deli, try to launch own small business making flippin' cupcakes... I want to be something really important between 9 and 3.30 (holidays and inset days and random illness days off, of course!). [Stamps foot in petulant manner of 5 year old.]

Bonsoir · 26/02/2010 13:31

You could also just work on having a generally fabulously interesting life for all your family. Fewer children = more opportunities for each family member (mother included) IMVHO!

Bonsoir · 26/02/2010 13:33

You cannot do a job where you are important and powerful part-time, IMVHO. Power = being there being the boss.

You can, however, do a job where you are highly skilled and intelligent part-time. But you probably need to have developed the skills pre-children.

cakeywakey · 26/02/2010 13:37

my earlier post should have read 'fabulous wardrobe' Am having trouble with my 'u' key.

gramercy · 26/02/2010 13:38

I suppose that's why there are at least 20 million freelance journalists scrapping around for crumbs falling from a commissioning editor's table. I can't see how any of them (save the India Knights etc) can make enough to keep them in Biros, frankly.