Would you go back to work & leave your OH to look after the children? If not, why not?

[lechatnoir]

We're seriously considering swopping traditional roles & me returning to work whilst DH stays at home & looks after the children/home. We can't afford to lose my salary whereas we could live without DH's so it seems daft to farm off our 2 young children to stangers when their dad is perfectly capable of looking after them. Reaction from friends & family has been interesting to say the least

I'm amazed how few men do this - do you think this is is because they still more likely to earn more or just because it isn't the 'done' thing?
Interested to hear your views positive & negative
LCN

I would definitely do this - may never happen for us as we are now into year 3 of TTC, but the plan has always been that I would take maternity leave (probably 6 months) and then go back full-time, and he would retire early. We're very lucky to have that as an option. I couldn't stay at home (not patient enough or calm enough, or good with children before they can speak), and he'd be much better at it than I would. We're both rubbish at housework so that doesn't really come into the equation - the house will be a tip if we have a baby whatever we do.

Would absolutely let OH be a SAHD.

Pregnant with number 1 at the moment, so have no idea how we'll both feel when (and if) we have a child. But we plan on both working part-time and sharing the care,with a CM 1 day perhaps and even overlapping with each other one day (depends on money). Neither of us fancies being a full-time carer, so seems to be the best option to spend the early years with DC.

And protect our sanity

I earn more at the moment so it would make more sense for me to go back to work FT, but I don't want to. haven't done the sums yet (in denial) but we'll manage.

DH and I both work part time and share childcare between us. DH loves it, my kids love it, I love it, it works very well for us, not least cos he is one of few men I know who truelly understand how demanding it is looking after a 15 month old and a 3 year old all day long.

We earn enough to live comnfortably. (I have £20 a month to myself to spend on 'my things').

I have def noticed a lot more men around at playgroup pick up time, taking babies for jabs etc. It would appear that more men are getting involved and I think this is great.

lechatnoir - We planned it that I would be SAHD combined with childcare when DCs were born as I wanted to have a lower paid academic career with more flexibility. DW had a far higher paying job with lots of international travel.

It did not work out that way. DW was very ill and lost her job so we both work from home and share SAHM/SAHD duties now but would be happy to be SAHD even now if DW got a job outside the home.

That said, I do think society still has a 'problem' with SAHDs. As another bloke on MN recently said - SAHD is only one letter different from SAD.

Indeed, when I anounced I was becoming a SAHD - my former boss said he thought I was mad and he actually rang my wife and remonstrated with her that it would ruin our marriage and never work.

I never socialise with other school gate Mums though. That is very difficult as a man. I therefore do not have that parental support network which DW is part of in RL and is one of the reasons I like to come on MN.

I think the only thing you have to consider is what would happen if you subsequently lost your job once DH becomes SAHD.

wahwah- yes DW gets that 'oh your husband is so good with the DSs and he cleans and cooks as well. You are so lucky.' It really is not that hard - but I do remind DW occasisonally though.

DH is currently looking after our 17mo dd - forced by redundancy rather than choice, but its working really really well for us, and has done since I went back to work when DD was 12mo.

Don't worry about Mum's not being welcoming - my SAHM friends have welcomed him into the group as one of their own, have a great laugh with him, and he helps out at various M&T groups where he is helper of choice for lots of little boys. He loves it some much that he's going to be retraining for a career in child education from January.

i would consider it if my husband grasped the fact that most young children dont find cricket that interesting...

but seriously, until women starting earning on a par to men and society accepts SAHDs as "normal" then i cant see it happening more.

i also think it is tremendously sad that we seem to have made no progress making work more flexible on both sides of the parenting tree as it were. Women are almost expected to juggle hours etc when they return to work to do pick ups, etc. But how many men do you know that leave at 4.45, or start late to drop the kids of at nursery. My husband would love to spend a bit more time during the week but to ask for that sort of flexiblity in his workplace would be frowned upon.

My DH has been a SAHD for 4 1/2 years.

We have our highs and lows. I love that he will have a really close with the children as his relationship with his dad was quite distant.

Like ABD he does not socialise with the school gate mums. He got a lift home with one of them once when it was raining. She made it very clear it was just a lift, that was all. DH was very pissed off by her attitude. Like suddenly he'd be all over her or something!

Sometimes the house looks like it's been ransacked and I get upset with the lack of cleaning.

But dd goes to school in September and ds starts nursery too so I'm expecting an improvement there

HerHoneSty - the sad fact is that if either a man or woman asks for flexibility at work because of childcare responsibilities it is immediatley taken as a signal of a lack of commitment and usually their bonus and promotion prospects immediatley take a hit.

MorngTownRide - I am not surprised your DH got that reaction from the woman giving him a lift. I often feel that sense of suspicion in the body language from school gate Mums about me and so unless my DW has introduced me and I know them well I just stand on my own or deliberately arrive late. I know that sounds weird but it is true.

I would and DH would love to. But sadly for him he earns a substantial amount more than I could.
We had the discussion back in the day and we had to weigh up the income thing.
At that time i was earning more than him but we both knew that whilst i was very good at my job he was brilliant at it and his prospects were much much better.
So that was it.
But he is a better cook and more organised than i am. and he is fab with the children. When i go away i come home to tired happy kids and a clean house and supper ready

You do have to be prepared for the house not being run as you would have liked it. And you have to learn to let go. When I went back to work, I would get DD up in the morning (she was 11 months old at the time), change her nappy, feed her, have her lunch ready in the fridge and get her dressed before going off to work myself. Gradually this slipped and one day I came home to find her, dressed in a motly collection of clothes, cheerily munching on black pudding and spinach fritters that DH had made, and thought 'sod this, he's coping fine' and stopped making it so easy for him.

There have been surprising benefits. DD is a bit of a legend at school because she can correctly identify flowers, insects, butterflies and birds and is not afraid of handling them. Something to do with her Daddy being a scientist I think. Today they are off pond dipping and bug hunting.

MorningTownRide, I'm surprised at the school gate mums' attitude. DH is not particularly chatty or sociable, but is such a novelty that the school mums always include him in the chat. I'm always teasing him about his friendships with the yummy mummies.

BetaDad - no that does not sound weird at all! When I go to pick up DD I get smiles and hellos.

rasputin - I suppose if being the earner and being good at everything is important to you, you will get emasculated if your wife complains. I moan about DHs lousy cleaning skills and 'benign neglect' child rearing style. But DH has never been the high earner before or after we had children. Some women like to be supported by a man.

Just to add - one of the reasons that it works for us is that now that I'm back at work, I have to have total acceptance of the fact that his style of parenting, cleaning, cooking etc is totally different from mine. Its not that mine is better, its just that different things matter to him at home.

So whereas I would wash up 3-4 times a day so that the kitchen is always tidy, he just doesn't, since he'll spend any time whilst DD is napping/playing on her own etc fixing little things around the house (I think it helps him stay manly )So I come home, and the house isn't how I like it - so what, it doesn't really matter and it helps keep our lives working together really well. My tongue has been bitten very firmly on occassions, though!

Wow so many replies . I'm going to show DH as I think he'll find it really interesting to hear all the responses - some of it will be quite a good reality check for both of us.

As a few people have suggested, we would prefer to share the childcare ie both of us PT, but in DH's industry (motor trade) he'd just get laughed out of the door so it has to be all or nothing.

We're going to try & have a few weeks off together before I go back to work so I can introduce him to some of the mums & take him round the various baby groups, parks, farms etc we frequent.

Scary but exciting and far less stressful than having to find a new CM for 2 children (our wonderful CM has recently stopped to have another baby )
LCN
PS Anyone know of any SAHD or Dad's group in Kent?

abd, do you think though it is generally easier/expected for women to ask for flexibility?

rasputin... they had a sex life to ruin?? lucky!!

HerHonesty - it is more expected that women will as kbut it is no easier for women or men to ask and the treatment of men and women who do ask is just as bad.

We're doing this. I go back to work in January and we'd planned for me to go back 3 days. However, DH hates his job and is looking to do a pgce next September so he's going part time until then and I'll go back full time.

TBH I am really sad about it, I will miss dd after spending every day with her for a year. It makes financial sense though and it'll be good for dh and dd I am sure.

We are going to overlap for a month though so that dh can come along to the groups I go to (sign language and water babies).

I think I will go part time when dd starts studying.

hi.

My husband is a fireman and works shifts and I do a flexi 3 day week (I work when he's on days off or on night shifts). This works brilliantly for us. Not only do we not have to pay for childcare but dh gets to spend lots of time with our 3 boys (1, 4 & 6). It also makes it far easier for me to come out to work knowing they're with their dad.

He's great with the kids - not so great with housework - can be a bone of contention when I come home from work at night and the house looks like a bombs hit it. Apart from that it's good.

If I earned enough, I'd love Dh tobe a stay-at-home-dad. he'd love it, too.

Advice for anyone just embarking on this...you've got to allow your DH a couple of months to find his feet and accept that he will do things his way, not your way, but that doesn't necessarily mean it's the WRONG way, iyswim.

It can be harder than you thinking letting go of the details of childcare, especially if it's your PFB

Good luck to anyone starting out down this road. We have found it incredibly rewarding and after some initially anxiety on my part, I relaxed and it made going to work and doing a job I found tough and did not always love, A LOT easier.

Thanks Sycamore - DH is stopping work in October, I'm going back in January, so we'll indeed have a few months to "hand over". My main concerns are food and TV! Glad to hear it worked out well for you and the others who tried it. It's good to know we're not alone in going down that route!

I would LOVE to go back to work and have DH stay at home... We've discussed this - though its not financially viable, I don't earn enough - and he says he doesn't think he could do it all day every day; would miss work, worry about his career, etc... In fact I think I'd worry about his mental health! Though I'm sure DS would be okay...

If I ever have a day away from home by myself... he's exhausted by the time I get back - and he doesn't even have to breastfeed!

Personally, I would like to concentrate on my career, and know that DS is in very capable hands... if we could do this I would def have a second child...

Slightly different in that we both work, but dh looked after dd 1 & 2 during the day while I was at work and then he'd go to work in the evenings. He had no problem with this and neither did anyone else.

Yes. Its basically what we do but I need a lot of MUMMY time so I don't feel too jealous/guilty.