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Original poster

Would you go back to work & leave your OH to look after the children? If not, why not?

99 replies

lechatnoir · 05/08/2009 21:39

We're seriously considering swopping traditional roles & me returning to work whilst DH stays at home & looks after the children/home. We can't afford to lose my salary whereas we could live without DH's so it seems daft to farm off our 2 young children to stangers when their dad is perfectly capable of looking after them. Reaction from friends & family has been interesting to say the least

I'm amazed how few men do this - do you think this is is because they still more likely to earn more or just because it isn't the 'done' thing?
Interested to hear your views positive & negative
LCN

OP posts:
ben5 · 11/08/2009 12:57

i went to a couple of toddler groups where there were a few dads. the kids loved a male around and noone seemed to mind.!!! let dad stay at home. it's great to have the option!!

LovelyTinOfSpam · 11/08/2009 13:03

I would do. DH would love it. The kids would love it.

We'd have to have a cleaner though

Gumbo · 11/08/2009 13:09

We did this when DS was 4mo; it was DH's suggestion (he had a good job at the time). It made sense financially for us to do it this way - I have a well paid job and work FT, but work from home 2 or 3 days per week which is great.

Both DH and DS have thrived; DH tends to do things with DS that I'd never do (eg. they go boating, canoeing (sp?), etc etc) which is fantastic.

From what I've seen - and from the other SAHDs I've met, it seems to work best if the man is really sold on the idea and actually wants to do it, rather than being forced into it due to circumstances (eg. redundancy). But I'm definitely in favour of it - it's worked brilliantly for us!

MrsBadger · 11/08/2009 13:10

I would
but in out particluar relationship DH is so much more ambitious careerwise than I am that we'd both be miserable

cheesesarnie · 11/08/2009 13:13

i wouldnt because hes an impatient arse

pointydog · 11/08/2009 13:18

I would although I'd have found it very hard to leave them to work full time when they were little, I think. Although, knowing their dad was with them all teh time and avoiding morning rushes and evening pick-ups would probably compensate.

dnmama · 11/08/2009 15:01

First of all, I agree with unquietdad - no one leaves their children with strangers. If you don't appreciate the "interesting" (by what I read judgemental) suggestions you are getting from family and friends, try not be judgemental yourself.

As for your husband staying home, I think it's a great idea in theory. I know I would feel uncomfortable though with dh being at home with the kids and me working - I know I would start resenting him. But if it works for you, give it a go!

Gateau · 12/08/2009 14:13

I wouldn't, but that's because I want to be the one doing most of the caring (I currently work three days a week, will be on mat leave from Oct).
Plus I think DH would find it quite lonely. I can't imagine he would meet up with other people like I do. He does look after DS on his day off when I'm working and does a very good job but I can't imagine him doing it full-time.

Choosparp · 12/08/2009 14:41

I do. I work full time, and DH works part time and looks after DS, who adores his "Daddy days". I think DH would happily be a full time SAHD if we could afford it.
It's already been said but I think it depends on willingness and temperament.

jay11 · 12/08/2009 14:46

Hi, we did this with dd1 - I went back to work full time when she was 4months old as dh wanted to study. I think DH did it for about a year, maybe longer. I found it hard to leave her at such a young age tho.

I agree with with gateau - my dh found it quite isolating. The other mums did not talk to him at toddler groups and so he didn't meet up with people for picnics/coffee etc like I do now. Plus I had to nag him to do iron my work clothes!! Anyway, he was glad to get back to work and (most of the time) appreciates how busy I am now!

Again, he looks after all three on sats when I work and loves it - he just wouldn't want to do it full-time.

flockwallpaper · 12/08/2009 14:49

My DH does most of the childcare during the day whilst I work. It works well for us in general, although there aren't many SAHDs for him to hang out with where we live. When I used to be a SAHM, I used to meet mum friends with children of the same age a lot round at one another's houses. DH feels he can't do this as he's a man.

mandtk · 12/08/2009 14:50

We did this when DS was 9 months old and we didn't want to put him in nursery until he was at least 1. DH took unpaid leave from work for several months when I went back full time, then he went back part time after that. He absolutely loved his time with DH and would recommend it to anyone He did go and meet other mums for coffee and went to all the playgroup activities and laughed off the "sing along, Mums, oh! and Dads too of course" comments. He found it incredibly difficult at first having probably not appreciated how hard it is (am I Very Bad for being smug at this point?) and to be honest enjoyed going back to work part time to get some adult conversation .

I think it makes for a very balanced family - DHs are equally aware of all the washing, cooking, cleaning that goes hand-in-hand with childminding. Life is far too short to not spend lots of time with your children. Go for it, lechatnoir!

skihorse · 12/08/2009 14:56

My OH will be our children's primary carer - he's a lot kinder and more patient than me.

Never mind the simple economic fact that my salary dwarfs his.

PrettyCandles · 12/08/2009 15:00

We would do this, were it not for the fact that dh earned twice my salary when we started out family, and has far higher earning potential than me. Dh would probably make a far better SAHP than I do. He is more domestically-minded than I am.

He would, however, proably find it much harder socially. I am deeply shocked at the number of times I have seen dads being ignored at a playgroup. Even when they join in converstaions they are often ignord or treatd suspiciously. Disgraceful.

skihorse · 12/08/2009 15:20

dwarfs = dwarves - tbh it's not a word I use frequently in my life!

LeninGrad · 12/08/2009 15:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anniemac · 12/08/2009 15:31

This reply has been deleted

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NewbeeMummy · 12/08/2009 15:38

My OH will be a SAHD, when ours comes along in OCtober, I have 6 months Maternity leave which I'll be taking be he'll be leaving his job during month 5 so we can both do the last month together.

It's mainly a financial decision, but it does help that I love my job and he hates his with a passion, and he does do a much better job at keeping the house in line.

He's always bonded well with women, where as I tend to get on better with men (mainly based on over 10 years of working in a male dominated field)

tiredbuthappyworkingmum · 12/08/2009 15:46

we have done this since dd's were 1 & 3 - they are 6 & 8 now. It works for lots of different reasons - I always earnt more than dh, I wanted to work, he wanted to stay at home, his salary equalled London nursery fees for 2 kids. He is brilliantly suited to it in lots of ways - fantastic home made packed lunches, our dd's are happy and self confident, my career has been helped by not having rigid childcare arrangements. Now the girls are older he has started working from home (IT) while they are at school. The girls love it - weekends we have 'girls club' and dh plays cricket, goes motorbiking. Bad points - housekeeping and household admin aren't his strong points. Overall it has worked out a lot better than either of us expected.

Mon13 · 12/08/2009 15:47

I may underestimate my dh but would not totally trust him to cope on his own, maybe for a day at a time but definitely not full time.. When I went to have my hair done when dd was tiny he 'forgot' to give her lunch one time and wondered why she did not settle for her 'lunchtime sleep' (clue there?).
Mind you, the few times he was in charge for the day they had a marvellous time, although the concept of tidying up/shopping/cleaning/ washing was totally beyond him. He's also useless at multi-tasking and while doing one thing (laptop!) is completely unaware what dd is up to in another room.
Now dd is 2 it would just work because she can keep daddy in check

MayCanary · 12/08/2009 16:00

I went back to work at 6 weeks and DH looks after our DD as well as work part-time from home. It works sort-of; he's frustrated that he can't work when she needs attention and has less patience than I expected.
We're looking at nursery for a morning or so to give him some respite. I also tend to overcompensate doing breakfast/tea/bath each day and weekends.
I'm not convinced either of us are really happy with the situation.

LittleMammaTo2 · 12/08/2009 16:10

We did exactly as you're planning and for very similar reasons. My husband stayed home for the entire year last year with our DD now 2.5 yrs old. We only swapped back to traditional roles because I became pregnant and have since been made redundant.

It worked brilliantly for us. Our DD had a great time doing lots of things that I might not have done with her. Also DH had quite a bit of fun being practically the only dad at toddler groups.

He loved it as did our DD and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

You've nothing to lose by giving it a go

golgi · 12/08/2009 16:44

I would. That was our plan, anyway, until my mum and dad suddenly decided to move nearer and offer to look after the children.
My husband has friday "off" and is in charge of our two boys (aged 4 and nearly 3). He reckons work is easier.
He's great with the boys, not so good at doing anything else other than playing, so when I get home on Friday evening I have to spend about an hour cleaning up.
T'would be silly for me to SAH when I earn more money than he does. We may do this soon, as I think my parents may have had enough!

slug · 12/08/2009 17:09

We did it. He earnt marginally more than me but it was the best decision for us as he was depressed and wanted to leave his job and I go cross eyed with boredom without a job and freaked out after only 3 months of maternity leave.

I can honestly say, hand on heart, that it was the best thing we did. DH went back to work a year ago, on a one year contract. It ended in July. He's now spending the summer as a SAHD again and will look for another contract in September. He's far more laid back than me, though housework is not usually done, his theory being childcare is his job, housework is our job. DD had discovered that as she is the only one in the class with a SAHD, he is always one of the parents who is picked to accompany the class on trips. This has huge cudos with the class, after a long trip, she gets to sit on his knee and have a cuddle in the bus on the way home. They are soo jealous.

It also suits us because DD gets to absorb the idea that men can be nurturing, that men do the cooking, that men change nappies and do the shopping. She's never going to put up with a partner that doesn't pull his weight.

woozlet · 12/08/2009 17:13

Not something I would go for, because our house would be ruined. Any time dh has looked after ds for the whole day he has done absolutely no tidying or cleaning and is so shattered that he has to have a nap at 6pm.