Would you go back to work & leave your OH to look after the children? If not, why not?

[lechatnoir]

We're seriously considering swopping traditional roles & me returning to work whilst DH stays at home & looks after the children/home. We can't afford to lose my salary whereas we could live without DH's so it seems daft to farm off our 2 young children to stangers when their dad is perfectly capable of looking after them. Reaction from friends & family has been interesting to say the least

I'm amazed how few men do this - do you think this is is because they still more likely to earn more or just because it isn't the 'done' thing?
Interested to hear your views positive & negative
LCN

DH is going to leave his job and look after DS when I return to work in January. It's good to hear of other people who did the same thing and made it work! I'm the higher earner, he earns less than a nanny would cost, we don't want to put DS in nursery full time at such a young age (9 months), it seems like the best solution.
Oh, and he really hates his job.

I'd have jumped at the chance, but sadly our situation did not allow for it. Plenty of men around our way do it though.

Have done when ds1 was 4 months until 18 months then dp went to work and I stayed at home.I am going back to Nursing and dp will be at home with ds1[nearly 10] and ds2[2 years and 4 months]and 2 dogs
He is much more patient than me

I am not the higher earner,but long term my prospects are better.

If I was able to support us on my salary alone we would have done it. It's a shame that the UK doesn't let the parent choose who is taking leave and who not.

In Germany there is even an incentive of 2 extra months of leave if the parent decide to share.

I've been watching this thread with loads of interest as we are considering this. We both work for the same company, they are putting alot of pressure on me to go back in January and for DH to stay at home for a bit instead. I do earn alot more than DH so the money would come in handy. Our DD will be 7.5 months. It wouldn't be for too long as there is a company run nursery on site, but they don't take them until they are one.
My question is how did you feel leaving your DC's? My DH is great, in some ways more patient and better at house keeping than me. But I don't want to leave her in a purely selfish way. DH is keen!

Yes because DH is a great dad, but probably not for more than a year tops because he has career goals he would like to achieve and would miss the intellectual stimulation of his work. Same as for me really although as time goes on I do become more SAHM inclined (but this is not a possibility for us). DS v v happy in his nursery BTW!

DH does this and has done since DS was 6 months (now 13 months). He is completely fantastic with our son and takes him out lots more than I would . However I still have a circle of Mums locally, whereas although he is part of an amazing Dads group, I think not meeting each other at that 'nearly newborn' stage means they haven't 'clicked' as much.

If you are based anywhere near London this is an amazing group for fathers: www.dadsandlittluns.co.uk/

I would second comments on here about not so good at housework/washing/cooking, etc though.

Sorry, I forgot, I also wanted to say it can be difficult knowing who should do what sometimes. With the traditional Dad at work, Mum at home, you both have very clearly defined roles. Now that we don't, it can sometimes feel like we have to discuss who is doing the smallest things. A (not so small) example was DS's MMR jab last week, I was off work, so it came up who should take him? In the traditional set up, Mum would go and Dad might decide to go with her. We didn't have that template to follow. Each individual thing like that is not a big deal, but sometimes it can feel a bit tiring constantly forging new ground as it were.

Oh! "I don't think I would, not unless my OH could some how demonstrate to me that he knows it's not going to be all about watching films and playing the x-box!"

DH reallyreally wants to switch roles. Right now he makes almost double what I do (nature of the beastly industries) but I am trying to switch careers to one that would pay more than his.

He really is clueless with DD though. Lots and lots of fun together, but she always ends up with her shirt on backwards or somesuch. I am willing to re-visit the issue when she's a bit older and in school.

Been watching this thread with interest. I asked DH the other day if he would consider both of us working part-time and looking after DD on the other days. He said and I quote "yes, but I'd need something else like a project of some sort on the other days because I wouldn't find it stimulating enough being at home", which I found very patronising indeed. I currently work from home sometimes full-time, sometimes part-time and when there's no work around I'm sometimes a SAHM for a couple of weeks.

In theory I think i'ts a really good idea though clearly depends on the personalities involved.

in response to the original post

before we had children it seemed likely that dh would be the stay at home parent, mostly because we had decided that one of us would for the first few years.

when it came to it I took 1yr off and then went back to work, dh was doing work from home as well, we planned on going 50/50 but my work was not helpful and blocked it, so after 4 months I gave up, because at that time he was offered a job which paid far more than mine

it took time to adjust and when discussing it we found we had the same sort of difficulties in changing pace and roles although we are quite different people

but he is a great father very capable and responsible obviously so it was more about economics than anything else

Our arrangement: I stayed at home until DD was 12 months, then (now) DH works two and a half days (teacher) and I work three days (civil servant), we share looking after DD and my mum has her the one day we both work.

I earn literally double what DH earns, so on purely financial terms it would make sense for me to work full time and DH to be the SAHP. But we can afford for us to work part time and that's how we want to look after DD for now.

Have you considered both of you working part time, rather than one of you doing all the paid work and the other doing all the childcare? I feel very lucky that we are able to have the best of both worlds - lots of time with DD plus the different stimulation of paid work too. I think a lot depends on the attitude of your DH - mine isn't bothered one jot by what people think / being the only man in a mum-and-baby world etc.

Pros: DH is a great dad and DD gets all sorts of different things from him than from me - he just does things a bit different. He is absolutely fine at all the baby groups etc, although there are hardly ever any other dads. I enjoy the three days at work and really appreciate the time I do have with DD. I hope that DD really likes it but she can't yet say!

Cons: we would be financially better off if we were both working full-time and DD was in formal childcare. DH's career is suffering a little bit in the short-term.

But we are the only couple we know who have arranged things like this. It astounds me in this day and age that more people don't.

Sorry for the essay!

We do, kind of - i work more than DH although I am still part time. I coudln't bear to go back full time but I did want to go back part time plus my salary is much higher. So I now work 25 hrs a week and he works flexibly, freelance, fitting in around that. So we both work and both look after DS. It works brilliantly for us, not least in giving us patience and understanding of each other's exhaustion, haha!

At the moment we do the same as wigeon. DH works 3 days a week job share and I'm part time so DD is in nursery for 2 half days a week. She was 11 mo when I went back to work.

Seems to be working for us, I earn double what DH earns and SAHM simply not an option. In some ways it was easier for me not to have a choice.

When we run out of money (soon!), it'll be me who will be working more.

I am very proud that he feels that looking after our DD is more important that his career.

In answer to Chica31 - when DD was 7.5 months I couldn't imagine leaving her ever with anyone at all, but by the time she was 12 months I was ready to leave her a little bit. It really helped that I was 100% happy with who I was leaving her with (DH)!

PS - DH writes "DHs rock!". That's all he's got to say on the subject...(think he wants his dinner).

We did this for 4 years.

DH is a SAHP as has been for 2 years.

I earned twice his salary, so when he was made redundant and our nanny share fell apart due to the other family moving away, it just seemed logical.

He has been amazing. Very patient.

The only downside I can see is that the DC's have not socialised with other children as much as I think they would have done with myself or a nanny/childminder as that whole circuit of classes and playgroups is so exclusively female...and if there DOES happen to be one other lone male, then you get lumped with them, whether in reality your personality matches theirs or not.

At least as SAHM's there is more choice.

Hopefully DH is returning to work in next 6 months. DD starts reception and DS is turning 2 and would really benefit now I think to be out and about with other kids more.

What DH has done in spades is adventuring..they have gone to so many places and they are no very keen gardeners and DIY experts

I admit that everytime we're out or he's meeting someone new and they ask what he does, my stomach goes in a knot, because I dread the reaction. I'm so proud of him and what he does but I think much of society is still not quite ready/used to the idea.

I always feel we have to jump in with the whole reason why it's him at home and not me, IYSWIM..and really, our financial situation is none of anyone's business so I really out to stop that

are NOW keen gardeners

We've done this. DH looked after DS1 when I went back to work fulltime from 4-19 months. Then I was at home with DS1 and DS2 until DS2 was 3.5 yo while DH went back to being full time. At that point I was offered a job which earned more and he was really missing time with the children so we swapped again.

He loves it and is absolutely fantastic with them. He's become a playleader at their school and is very popular with all of the other kids (and the parents are just starting to get used to it too) He's hoping to train as a Teaching Assistant in the autumn. He never would have done that if he'd stayed in his full-time job and I'd been at home.

It was hard at first because he has his own ways of doing things (not better or worse, just different!) but he's just as competant and able to look after them as I am. Plus he's slightly slacker with the xbox regulations so they love it!

Dh is a SAHD who works evenings and weekends. I am a SAHM at weekends. We are both very tired, but we think our children are happy.

I'm amazed by other women telling me how 'good' dh is. Why? He's a grown up who cares about his children and we need two incomes. I am more motivated by work than he is these days and while he has stepped down his 'career', I have made slower progress, so we've sort of met in the middle.

He does get bored by the sheer grind of spending all day with toddlers and being a man, it is harder for him to get support from other women in similar situations.

We both work part time (ish).

My DH has always been very hands on with DS1. He often went to 'mother' and toddler groups with him. It took a while for the other Mums to get used to him but they did.

I have a RL group of 5 families and in each of them childcare is shared between both partners. None of them have 'traditionally' defined roles.

Also at school I'd say about 50% kids are picked up by their fathers.

SAHD are the really the norm where I live although not so much with babies < 1 year old.

Just keep talking with your DH about what each expects of the other and you'll be fine

I think this is a great idea if it works for you. It wouldn't work for us, even though i earn considerably more than DH hour per hour.
That's because (to my surprise) I love being at home with the DCs and (also sadly to my surprise) DH loves the DCs but is bored and stressed by the noise and confusion and tends to spend the day arguing with DS about the remote control and no one gets dressed.
If we were forced into the situation, e.g. by DH losing his job, I could work full time and we would be much better off but i don't know how long this would work before someone went mad. I guess we are more traditional than i was kind of expecting.