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Original poster

boss wants me to go to meeting in the US. how can I say no?

74 replies

MamaChris · 13/04/2009 20:03

boss has emailed to ask me to go to a meeting in the US in June. I've only been in this job 3 months, and it's good of him to put me forward for what looks like a high flying meeting (he's asking me to go in his place). but I don't want to go - terrified of flying, and not ready to leave ds for 4 nights yet.

how can I best say no, in a way that sets the stage that I am also unlikely to be a good bet for any trans atlantic meetings in future, without sounding workshy and useless?

I'd be very grateful for any suggestions.

OP posts:

rubyslippers · 13/04/2009 20:04

was this part of your contract or did it come up at interview?

HotCrossGoober · 13/04/2009 20:05

Reccomend your very good friend, Goober.

nappyzonecannotcycleuphill · 13/04/2009 20:07

just tell the truth that your a bad flyer and would happily to by video confrencing or soemthing or recommend goober

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 13/04/2009 20:07

please say no travel was mentioned when you took the job. Recommend that when saying no that you focus on not being able to fly and not on childcare stuff.

BecauseImWoeufit · 13/04/2009 20:10

Being brutal - if you want a future in this company I don't think you should refuse.

However, if you didn't know foreign travel (by plane) was going to be part of your job, then you have my sympathy. But if I was your boss, that sympathy wouldn't last very long.

And as for leaving your child - sorry - if you're back in the workplace then you will have to deal with that yourself.

slowreadingprogress · 13/04/2009 20:13

make it a mini family holiday - take DS and partner?

Original poster

MamaChris · 13/04/2009 20:14

well there wasn't any interview for the post!

there is a standard contract that applies to all academic staff, which says "may be required to travel abroad for conferences". I managed at my last job (5 years) to only travel within Europe, and go by train. the boss did know I'm a bad traveller, but that came up in a conversation when we first talked about this job about 2 years ago, so may well have forgotten.

I do plan to mention only the flying aspect, not childcare. (I don't think he'd be particularly sympathetic to the latter, especially as I already had to miss a Sunday meeting that coincided with ds's first birthday).

it's not the kind of thing that could be done by video. goober: you really wanna go?

OP posts:

slowreadingprogress · 13/04/2009 20:15

And I don't think having (or even choosing) to be 'back in the workplace' means that you just have to suck up and deal with enforced seperations from your child. (unless as others have said this was expressly stipulated in the contract!)

foxinsocks · 13/04/2009 20:17

cor BIWI, a bit cruel. I don't like leaving mine to travel and I've worked for yonks (on and off). Is not uncommon!

I think you should go tbh. I am also avoiding this at the moment but if there's anyway you can turn it into a family thing and get dh/dp (if you have one?) to take leave and bring ds, it might be quite fun. Is your fear of flying better when you are with someone?

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 13/04/2009 20:17

have you time to go on one of those 'conquer fear of flying' courses at the airport?

Maybe the company will pay for it?

Original poster

MamaChris · 13/04/2009 20:17

thought about the holiday thing, srp, but it's in Washington DC (not a lovely town, I've heard), and the days last 8am-10pm so I wouldn't see a lot of them.

OP posts:

foxinsocks · 13/04/2009 20:17

or I think you will just have to tell him you have a phobia of flying otherwise he may well suggest more!

rubyslippers · 13/04/2009 20:18

it sounds like you have been lucky to not have to go further afield in the past few years

JUne is 2 months away - can you get some valium from the GP to make sure you are relaxed enough to fly?

travel IS part of your contract ... sorry it must feel really hard for you though

foxinsocks · 13/04/2009 20:19

oh no, Washington DC is absolutely fabulous!

Doesn't matter if those are your hours if all of you are together anyway (i.e. dh/dp has ds and you can go off and work)? and you could get the weekend there?

LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 13/04/2009 20:19

mmm....the murder capital of America, not sure you could sell that to your dh tbh

sounds like a crap trip

BecauseImWoeufit · 13/04/2009 20:19

Why is it cruel? If you're back at work, you're back at work!

foxinsocks · 13/04/2009 20:20

yes but not everyone likes leaving their kids overnight, esp if they aren't used to it

Hassled · 13/04/2009 20:21

I really hate flying but do find it easier with children - if I have to entertain them/read/colour etc I have less time to fret. So the bringing the family idea is a good one - but a bit rough on your DH having to entertain a child for long days on his own in a strange city.

If you really have to say no, don't bring the childcare/not wanting to leave DS thing into it. If your boss is any sort of a secret tosser he will translate that in his head into "not fully committed to the workplace".

Hassled · 13/04/2009 20:21

BecauseImWoeufit · 13/04/2009 20:23

I'm sorry, but I would be really irritated by an employee who said they didn't want to leave their child if they were back at work and travel was a part of their job.

If you can't/don't want to/are frightened of travel, then you do have my sympathy. It must be very hard. (And I really mean that). But if it's part of your job, then that's just tough. You have to get on and do it.

Why on earth is that cruel?

Quattrocento · 13/04/2009 20:24

I agree with BIWI. It all sounds a bit feeble. If one of my team expected not to have to travel there would be longer term consequences.

foxinsocks · 13/04/2009 20:27

it was your comment about 'you'll have to deal with that yourself'

loads of people don't feel ready to leave their children overnight

I don't think there's anything wrong with that

I'm not saying she should use that as an excuse, just that it's a common feeling and I'm sympathising with her!

Original poster

MamaChris · 13/04/2009 20:28

some can travel a lot in my job (eg someone I work with spends every other weeks in the states). others travel much less, perhaps once/twice per year. I don't want to accidentally become one of the first kind because I don't even try and explain my feelings about travel to my boss.

Taking dp and ds along doesn't solve anything - I would still have to fly, wouldn't get to see them at all and it would mess up ds's sleep routine which is shaky at best.

OP posts:

BecauseImWoeufit · 13/04/2009 20:31

But you do have to deal with childcare yourself! If you're not ready to leave your child then, if your job entails travel, you shouldn't have gone back to work until you were ready to do so. I'm not unsympathetic about how MamaChris feels, but back in the workplace this has to be dealt with, and no-one is going to do it for her.

Sorry, but it's a tough world.

And MamaChris, it does sound like a lot of travel could be involved in your job. If this is going to become an issue, you really do have to find a way of dealing with it, especially if you want to progress with your career.

rubyslippers · 13/04/2009 20:33

i think Mamachris that you need to deal with your phobia

this is an issue which will carry on occuring and will at some point cause friction with your boss

it must be awful to have to deal with it but there are all sorts of courses on offer to tackle it

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