boss wants me to go to meeting in the US. how can I say no?

[MamaChris]

boss has emailed to ask me to go to a meeting in the US in June. I've only been in this job 3 months, and it's good of him to put me forward for what looks like a high flying meeting (he's asking me to go in his place). but I don't want to go - terrified of flying, and not ready to leave ds for 4 nights yet.

how can I best say no, in a way that sets the stage that I am also unlikely to be a good bet for any trans atlantic meetings in future, without sounding workshy and useless?

I'd be very grateful for any suggestions.

MC - just popping to say good luck sorting it out, whatever happens. not v helpful i know!
Best bet - be honest re fear of flying, it sounds serious enough to me to warrant not going. if he hums and haw about future/career prospects then suggest going on a course and worry about that then.
if he's ok with it, then leave it until/if you want to tackle it.

it's a tough one re leaving DS, esp as you are just stopping bf. don't dwell on it too much at the moment is my advice

oh mama, that's exactly what I do. Once I'm on the plane I'm fine. It's the antipatory anxiety before I fly that's the problem. And of course, when I get there, I then spend the whole time worrying about the flight on the way back .

I started CBT mamachris and it's been very good. It didn't stop the anxiety (I don't think you can and I think an expectation that that will happen is wrong, you have to learn to manage the anxiety iyswim) but what it did was challenge my beliefs.

So I flew abroad last week for the first time in years. And I panicked when I booked the ticket but then didn't again until the morning of the flight. On the way back, I panicked on the morning of the flight, not the whole holiday FOR THE FIRST TIME! If you can limit the panic/anxiety like that, then it does make it easier to treat it with some medication if needed because, as you say, what you can't do is treat weeks of anxiety beforehand.

I think CBT is very good for that anticipatory anxiety but I would never recommend counselling to anyone as it has taken me decades to find the right time for me to go so I'd never tell someone to go unless they felt it was the right time for them iyswim.

Thanks JKS

So this is my draft response. The ending is really weak. Any suggestions?

it looks like a really interesting meeting, but to be honest, I am terrified of flying (I think we talked about this before at X). I will try and travel if it's absolutely necessary, but would rather not go if there is someone else who could and would want to (perhaps Y?)

I know this sounds like I am shirking work, but I would be happy to do train travel anywhere in Europe.

woohoo fox - sounds like a breakthrough. Perhaps I'll try CBT if I ever make the decision that this is something I really need to get past.

take out the shirking work

say

I am sorry if this causes any inconvenience but I am happy to do any train travel around Europe

does it need to be a written response? Can you meet him face to face

Do you think emailing/writing is the best idea? or maybe face-to-face would be better?
(depends on your workplace)

"It looks like a really interesting meeting, but unfortunately, I have a fear of flying (if you recall we talked about this before at X). I will travel if it's absolutely necessary, but would rather not travel by air if possible and if there is someone else who could and would want to (perhaps Y?)

I would like to point out that I would always be happy to travel by train/car for work."

maybe?

that's much better fox, thanks.

he needs to reply about the meeting by wednesday, and I'm not back in work by then, so as it's a "no", I do need to reply tonight to give him a chance to ask someone else.

I'll probably have to meet him face to face later in the week, though (cue more antipatory anxiety!)

and a further improvement, JKS, thanks x 2

(except the car bit - I can't drive).

why can't he go mamachris? i mean is it personal or professional reasons?

and (just out of pure nosiness so you don't have to answer) what is worse, fear of flying or of leaving ds?

I expect he's already away with work fishie, but he didn't say. he's the kind of guy, personal never comes before work.

I think fear of flying is worse. I would consider going to this meeting if it was in the UK or a day's travel away by train (I still wouldn't want to go, but it would be something I could do).

I really think you will have to do something about the fear of flying because offering to travel by train in Europe is going to be tricky now that you have a child, surely? If you don't want to leave your child for longer than necessary, taking two days to get to and from Austria/Portugal/wherever is not really feasible is it?

Can't comment on the fear of flying bit, but you should view the trip as an opportunity to spend some time focussing on you (and your career). I've had to do a fair bit of travelling since I went back to work, some just overnighters, some almost a week, but my dh enjoys the time with dd by himself. Good for everyone all round IMO

well, I don't see what needs to be discussed 8am to 10pm in Washington DC that couldn't be done over the phone or by e-mail to be honest.

Sounds like a hell of a waste of time - lots of people making themselves feel important.

What is it you sell/produce/do in your company?

That's my point Cat, travelling IS a part of the job and if it has to be done, trying to travel only within Europe is not going to be feasible by train any longer if it takes a whole working day (or overnight) to get somewhere. Apart from the time element (time away from the OP's daughter, which she is concerned about), most companies expect you to get there and back in the shortest time possible nowadays and 20 hours to Vienna is not going to be looked on very positively.

mamachris, i went on the BA fear of flying course and found it fantastic - really helped me. You could do this.

DC is fab though. All those free museums. And the zoo. (With pandas!) Really easy travel - clean, efficient metro, a great carousel in the Mall (spacious grassy park). Lots of kids and babies there, chilling and having a great time!. Fab for a family holiday. Lovely and sunny in June too.

I guess 7 hours is a long time to be in the air though if you are not keen... Shame, as it is well worth a trip.

slowreading, I'm a scientist. it will be a very useful meeting about a developing technology, and 30+ people can't really talk at once on the phone (I've tried before - it's either a disaster, or just a few people talk and the rest listen).

Thanks for making DC sound nice Merrylegs

I don't want to, but think I'll have to look into getting past this flying thing. BA fear of flying might be useful, thanks pollyanna

update: phew! emailed my boss last night, and he's replied to say not to worry - he'd forgotten about my fear of flying and will think of someone else.

I am very relieved, and feel very lucky. I have a (at times very scary but) lovely boss

MC - so glad you emailed him and he's ok with it.

Now you can think about the fear of flying course in your own time if you want to.

Good news MamaChris, it's great you don't have to leave your DS for 4 nights.

thanks both

I think I will need to do the fear of flying thing, so will start working towards it.

Mamachris i think thats great news - i am really pleased for you