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Original poster

boss wants me to go to meeting in the US. how can I say no?

74 replies

MamaChris · 13/04/2009 20:03

boss has emailed to ask me to go to a meeting in the US in June. I've only been in this job 3 months, and it's good of him to put me forward for what looks like a high flying meeting (he's asking me to go in his place). but I don't want to go - terrified of flying, and not ready to leave ds for 4 nights yet.

how can I best say no, in a way that sets the stage that I am also unlikely to be a good bet for any trans atlantic meetings in future, without sounding workshy and useless?

I'd be very grateful for any suggestions.

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crokky · 13/04/2009 20:34

I told my boss I was afraid of flying, he accepted it and sent someone else. I told him I would be happy to sort UK stuff out and he thought that was fine. (No DC at the time).

Peronally, I think it is disgraceful to expect a woman to leave their child(ren) for a meeting abroad. OK if she wants to, but it is a very valid reason for not going. Our workplace in this country is such that you can't really give this reason to your boss because you will be thought of as workshy etc. I think it is really sad - people work so that they can earn money to live - it's great if you can get a job you enjoy. To be so tied up with career and ass kissing is the mark of a really sad society that has lost touch with the family.

BecauseImWoeufit · 13/04/2009 20:36

You either go back to work or you don't, crokky.

Nothing to do with men or women.

foxinsocks · 13/04/2009 20:36

it doesn't have to be tough though BIWI

I hate all this 'you have to be tough' to work bollocks, I really do

MamaChris, if you don't want to travel, just tell your boss but I'm afraid you'll have to be prepared to deal with the consequences of not doing so. If I was you, I'd set some sort of time limit. Tell him you have a fear of flying but you are going to deal with it and get some counselling and you have a goal of being able to fly within 6 months or something like that. If you never want to deal with the fear (and can understand that), then I think you do need to spell it out to him though be prepared for him to ask you whether you want to deal with it. Especially if he is keen on you going to these meetings.

I would seriously recommend CBT as a way of getting over your fear if you'd consider it. In terms of finanical outlay, you may find it pays for itself with your job progression!

Quattrocento · 13/04/2009 20:36

I don't think that not wanting to leave your child is a valid reason for not attending a business meeting or conference. It's simply not. We all have to grit our teeth and bear it.

Original poster
MamaChris · 13/04/2009 20:37

I get where you're coming from BIWI, and I'm concerned my boss will share your opinion. I'm hoping, however, that he might find that someone else (who likes travel) could go instead.

If I phrased it as:

It looks like a really exciting meeting, but to be honest, I have a phobia of flying. while I will try and travel if really necessary, I would rather not if someone else (perhaps X?) could go instead.

what would you think? (I know X would love to go to this)

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chisigirl · 13/04/2009 20:39

am very sympathetic to your situation, OP, but...

I agree with BIWI, also. I would be very reluctant to tell a boss (particularly a new one) that I didn't want to go on a trip because I was afraid of flying or because I didn't want to leave my young children.

BecauseImWoeufit · 13/04/2009 20:39

I do understand how you must feel, MamaChris (and fox - I said it's a tough world, not that you have to be tough!).

Only you can decide how much this is going to affect your career path. But if travel is going to be important then you will have to find ways of dealing with it.

jkklpu · 13/04/2009 20:42

Go by boat having a cruise as a holiday with dh and ds??? You can get the train to DC from New York. DC is a fab place to visit: the other 2 would have a lovely time if they were with you.

And remember to add in the "happy with Europe" line in the chat with your boss. Are you giving a paper at the conference? Depending on your field, would a YouTube-style video contribution be an acceptable innovation? If you're in any remotely scientific discipline, I expect it's been done before. And you might be able to take questions afterwards by v-c or tele-conf. If the event is not until June, you have a bit of time to talk about such options, don't you?

foxinsocks · 13/04/2009 20:44

you also have time to deal with your phobia mamachris! Seriously. I know it may seem that you won't be able to but I bet you can!

Original poster
MamaChris · 13/04/2009 20:48

thanks for the hopeful tale crokky!

I don't want to leave ds, and I don't think not wanting to leave ds is a reason that would be accepted. but I wouldn't have wanted to leave dp either before ds. I'm just not a good traveller, never have been.

I think it's possible to do my job with less travel, but it will be a slightly different career than if I travelled more - I will have to work harder to publicise my work in writing, and put search out meetings within Europe. It will be different, but possible. My boss is a big traveller however, so I will need to think hard about how to explain how my work style will fit with his. It's a good suggestion - to think seriously about how not travelling will affect my career.

jkklpu, it's a "round table" with ~30 people, so video not really possible. I thought a boat to the states took weeks? couldn't take that long as holiday at that time (too many deadlines).

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Original poster
MamaChris · 13/04/2009 20:49

foxinsocks, I do know I need to deal with this, but just thinking about doing so sends me into a state of fear...

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LauriefairycakeeatsCupid · 13/04/2009 20:50

6 days to cross the atlantic on Qe2/queen mary? not sure which boats are doing crossings - however you'd then have to get the train/hire a car to get to DC

foxinsocks · 13/04/2009 20:51

it was your tough implication BIWI, but I take your point though I do have sympathy with crokky. Think workplaces need to take a lot more care of their employees whole mental health to ensure they have a good workforce (though in the current economic climate where you can just get rid of someone and have 100 people wanting their job, that won't happen very much!).

I hope your boss offers up some help for your fear of flying or at least some encouragement. If he is that keen on you (workwise) and it sounds like he is, perhaps they will support you dealing with it which will be a win win for both of you!

Original poster
MamaChris · 13/04/2009 20:52

that's less time than I thought! thanks Laurie, but still too much time to take off.

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foxinsocks · 13/04/2009 20:52

tell me about your fear MamaChris

I had a dreadful fear of flying (still do to some extent)

Original poster
MamaChris · 13/04/2009 20:55

hmm... support not really his strong point, fox! but perhaps if I can deliver some excellent bits of work otherwise, that would mitigate things.

I think I need to go with a simple request not to go, but be ready for a bigger discussion about how my work style fits in the team, and how I can/will be able to contribute.

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Original poster
MamaChris · 13/04/2009 20:59

well done overcoming your fear fox

mine is about the lack of control. you're relying on so many people to make sure that plane is safe. and if just one of them cuts a corner (eg after a late night out), it's catastrophic. but I stop sleeping once I book a plane ticket until I cancel it. so it affects the weeks/months leading up to the flight too.

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crokky · 13/04/2009 21:01

BecauseImWoeufit - I understand your statement "you go back to work or you don't" is part of the British workplace attitude. I just think it is sad. It's part of the reason I haven't gone back yet. (DCs 1.0 and 3.0).

Furthermore, I'm not sure how old MamaChris's DS is, but it IS a man/woman thing in many cases for very young children. eg my DD - I only gave up bf her a couple of weeks ago - if she wakes up in the night, she wants me and will not accept DH comforting her. It is a woman thing because I have the boobs and I have been breastfeeding her all this time. She wants me in the night.

foxinsocks · 13/04/2009 21:04

oh it's a control thing with me too and I too start panicking the minute I book the sodding ticket

mine is more to do with the fact that I can't get off and I can't fly it

(haven't overcome it AT ALL but am slightly better at dealing with it, i.e. am not a raging lunatic from time zero)

Original poster
MamaChris · 13/04/2009 21:15

ds is 14mo crokky, and I just stopped bf tonight (so perhaps feeling a bit more vulnerable than usual!)

I also wish that it was more possible to combine work and childcare, but I get caught in a dilemma about how to do that without putting extra work onto those who don't have children. I'd be happy to accept a (small) pay cut to reflect that, but I don't think that's an option.

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Original poster
MamaChris · 13/04/2009 21:16

I sometimes think I'd need to build the sodding think as well as fly it fox!

How did you get better at dealing with it?

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RockinSockBunnies · 13/04/2009 21:22

I've always been ok with flying, but I'm fascinated by planes and for some daft reason, started watching Air Crash Investigations a few years back. Thus, I was not especially looking forward to a long-haul flight to Thailand.

I went to the GP, got valium, took it on the plane and passed out for the rest of the flight. Ditto on the way back.

No longer take it when flying, as I don't really have a phobia, but as a short-term option, it might be worth taking.

StripeyKnickersSpottySocks · 13/04/2009 21:27

Tell him you have a criminal record and American immigration won't let you in.

Original poster
MamaChris · 13/04/2009 21:27

you chose to watch air crash investigations?!??

strangely, I'm actually prett ok once the doors have shut on the plane - by then I accept there's nothing I can do, and my fate is sealed. (except for that one time I persuaded the air steward a spot of water between the windows was a hole and the plane went back to the gate to be checked out by engineers ). the big problem is the worrying about it for months before, and I can't take valium for months...

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Original poster
MamaChris · 13/04/2009 21:28

ooh that's a good one stripeyknickers - perhaps I should get myself nicked for a spot of shop lifting and that's problem solved

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