Please help me make a decision

expatinscotland · 13/03/2005 21:12

My child inspired me to pursue my dream of becoming a solicitor. I did my first degree in English, and spent my life basically mucking about, although becoming a solicitor is what I had wanted to do. Having her, I wanted to be the best human being I can be - as much for her as for me. I am not the best person I can be, or the best mum I can be, w/o my dreams and the sense of fulfillment pursuing them brings. For me, personally, it was about balance - my role as not just a mum but also as a woman, member of society, etc.

In these cases we must make the decision which makes us happy and brings no harm to our children. This is what you must decide for yourself.

Best of luck!

ionesmum · 13/03/2005 21:15

I was studying theology with a view to ordination training when I fell for dd1. I've now got a dd2 as well. I've put everything on hold until my youngest starts school. It is very hard sometimes, but I'd find it harder to leave them.

It has to be your choice. FWIW I'd say that nursing (like ministry) is a vocation. So is motherhood. You just have to try and figure out how to do each one.

They are little for such a short time. Could you resume your nursing later?

Whatever you decide, good luck!

Fran1 · 13/03/2005 21:16

Can you find a happy compromise?? Can you do work for an agency, flexible hours?

I had to go back to work p/t when dd was 3 months for financial reasons, I felt upset about this as i had always dreamed of being the perfect sahm. Instead i was this exhausted mad woman switching between professional and sensible, to this mad nappy changing, raspberry blowing creature.

DD is now 2 and i am very comfortable with the situation and wouldn't want it any other way. Now me and dd have got used to our routine i think it suits us both. She is very sociable and confident, and i keep my sanity by having grown up conversations at work.

How old is your son now? I think it took me a good few months to get settled with the idea. If your son is still v young, your emotions will be all over the place, and if you're anything like me you'll feel like your floating in fairyland most of the time. Give it a few more months and things will return to normality and you'll be able to think clearer about the situation.

Fran1 · 13/03/2005 21:16

Can you find a happy compromise?? Can you do work for an agency, flexible hours?

I had to go back to work p/t when dd was 3 months for financial reasons, I felt upset about this as i had always dreamed of being the perfect sahm. Instead i was this exhausted mad woman switching between professional and sensible, to this mad nappy changing, raspberry blowing creature.

DD is now 2 and i am very comfortable with the situation and wouldn't want it any other way. Now me and dd have got used to our routine i think it suits us both. She is very sociable and confident, and i keep my sanity by having grown up conversations at work.

How old is your son now? I think it took me a good few months to get settled with the idea. If your son is still v young, your emotions will be all over the place, and if you're anything like me you'll feel like your floating in fairyland most of the time. Give it a few more months and things will return to normality and you'll be able to think clearer about the situation.

Fran1 · 13/03/2005 21:16

Can you find a happy compromise?? Can you do work for an agency, flexible hours?

I had to go back to work p/t when dd was 3 months for financial reasons, I felt upset about this as i had always dreamed of being the perfect sahm. Instead i was this exhausted mad woman switching between professional and sensible, to this mad nappy changing, raspberry blowing creature.

DD is now 2 and i am very comfortable with the situation and wouldn't want it any other way. Now me and dd have got used to our routine i think it suits us both. She is very sociable and confident, and i keep my sanity by having grown up conversations at work.

How old is your son now? I think it took me a good few months to get settled with the idea. If your son is still v young, your emotions will be all over the place, and if you're anything like me you'll feel like your floating in fairyland most of the time. Give it a few more months and things will return to normality and you'll be able to think clearer about the situation.

Fran1 · 13/03/2005 21:17

ooops don't know what happened there!!

Kibby · 13/03/2005 21:20

are you still studying, could you go back to it? I really belivee that we change a lot when we have a baby and whta we think we wanted before is turned on its head. Is there any compromise available, could you perhaps nusre with an agency a set two days a week or soemthing to keep your hand in?

ionesmum · 13/03/2005 21:26

Having children was never my dream, I'd decided not to have them. It is my dream now.

There's nothing wrong with changing your mind. I can't believe how insignificant the things I used to care about are now in light of having children. I'd never have believed it if someone had told me I'd feel like this beforehand.

Original poster

Mosschops30 · 13/03/2005 21:29

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Original poster

Mosschops30 · 13/03/2005 21:30

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Kibby · 13/03/2005 22:44

It's not a lack of ambition by any means, it's just recognising that you're resoponsible for someone else now too. Is there any way you coud study at a distance?

ionesmum · 13/03/2005 23:18

mosschops, what is wrong with having the ambition to be at home for your children's early years? They only have one childhood. We only get one chance to be there for it.

I will probably have another baby, so I won't resume my studies for five-seven years. It's not easy, but I think it wil be worth it.

Have a big hug. I know where you're coming from.

ScummyMummy · 13/03/2005 23:33

Could you not defer for a year and then see how you feel? I wasn't ready to go back to work/college when mine were tiny 10 weekers- which was lucky as I had no choice but to stay home, given that I earned less than a childminder at that time! But about 18 months down the line my wishes changed and I gradually moved into work/college, experimenting with various options until I ended up in a job I loved, which in turn crystalised my ideas about what I wanted to do next. I couldn't have believed how much my plans would change over the first few years of my children's lives, actually. Hope things will be great for you over the next few years, no matter what you decide, mosschops03.

ceba · 14/03/2005 01:07

Hi there girls, good to join mumsnet and find out that other people have the same concerns as me! I have a 3 month old boy and went back to work when he was 7 weeks old! However, i had gone part time during my pregnancy and only went back 5 hours a week at first, now I am back 10 hours a week, all at weekends and during evenings. So ds is at home with his dad and has a bottle of breastmilk while i am away. It was really hard to go back at first, but has got easier - i find that all i do is talk about him anyway and think about him! I think it is good for me to have the break and also for dh to have real hands on time with his son - he works long hours and often only sees him for 1 hour or less on working weekdays, so really enjoys the stay at home time at weekends.

I have also returned to uni this year, but again, that is only part-time and is all done by distance education - there is no way I could manage attendance as we live a VERY long way from parental babysitting (we are in Australia, they are in UK!)

ceba · 14/03/2005 01:11

the upshot of that was - please don't feel guilty about wanting to pursue your dream OR about wanting to stay at home. I found some people made very unhelpful comments when I went back to work (oooh, that's early, isn't it? what are YOU doing here, etc etc), but if I had left him to go to the movies for an evening (which hasn't happened yet!), there would be no comment - it is the idea that if you can take some time for yourself and your own development as well then you are a bad mother! i think it is SO hard to adjust to motherhood (escpecially if you have worked for a long time for something before hand, like uni, etc) that if you can retain some part of your old life (and therefore feel partly in control still) it helps the adjustment. well it did for me. i think it makes me a better mother to feel really glad to get home from a shift at work and see my son, than to be waiting for dh to come home from work every night so I can have a break.

ionesmum · 14/03/2005 10:40

I hope I don't sound like I'm down on working mums. My mum worked from when I was six mo and has a very successful career. She'd have gone off her head if she'd had to stay at home. But I believe that full-time motherhood is an equally valid career - I know I have learned far more in the past three years than in the previous thirty, and will be able to take it into whatever ministry I end up pursuing. It'd just be helpful if society started to value motherhood rather than denigrate it.