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Sexual harassment grievance at work

111 replies

User12334 · 30/09/2026 13:21

I've had a bit of a difficult time in work recently for lots of reasons, but mostly due to a male colleague. A couple of months back, my small team which is predominantly male were in a meeting, I had a v neck dress on and was quite fine and was happily going about my business. A few hours in for whatever, one of the male colleagues leaves the room, returns and hands me a safety pin clearly indicating to cover myself up. He said that "you can go use the private room". It took me a minute to actually process what was happening and I abruptly left the meeting, where my two managers were a bit like what's going on.
I stupidly used the pin because i was just so taken aback, I returned and felt like running away. At the end of the meeting, same colleague caught me at the end and said "did you manage to regain your modesty", which again I was so taken aback with I started justifying my dress choice.

We then were going on to do some social activities as a team day which I could see far enough, I did a detour to tesco to get a vest top to go underneath the dress, to which he again comes up to me and says "are you more comfortable now" 🙃

This isn't the first time he's giving me the ick but it's the first time it's gone too far. He has a habit of mansplaining things to me or talking over me in meetings etc. Dirty humour is really not my thing and when he has tried it in the past I've just ignored it or tried to change the subject but he continues anyway.

Anyway, I raised a grievance and everyone at work was really supportive until they weren't. I feel like since he had his review everyone's been like on his side in a way. A member of HR phoned me before I got the letter out and told me how distraught he was about the whole thing and that that should hopefully make rebuilding our relationship easier. My manager has outright said before as well when I have said about not wanting to be in a room alone with him that I need to be able to work with him again.

Fast forward a few weeks, we have a catch up where he actually fails to apologise without me prompting and is playing the neurodivergent card to explain his behaviour. I am also neurodivergent and know plenty of others who are but haven't sexually harassed their colleague.

I'm currently off work because I was feeling too run down by the whole thing and have recently discovered I'm pregnant. Before all this, I would only see this colleague face to face once a month at most as we are spread out geographically. My managers are now proposing we rotate office each week so we can work together more - despite being in the same team we all work on completely different things and have always worked primarily remotely. The travel to the other offices for me is 2.5/3 hours each way if the trains are on time. They are also aware of my pregnancy so between that and the grievance I'm really feeling a bit miffed about everything.

I don't really know what the point of this post is, I guess I'm just looking for some advice or maybe to be told I'm overthinking it and need to get over it lol.

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 01/10/2026 13:45

EBearhug · 01/10/2026 12:25

Maybe you should reflect on why you think men should have the final say in what women wear and why women should dress to accommodate male attitudes.

Is it just that way, though? We have guys who wear shorts, and I wasn't entirely comfortable with one guy whose shorts were on the tight side. I didn't say anything, but if I had, I would have said it first to him, no need to involve his manager at this point. And I would not have done it publicly.

Can't see anything wrong with the dress in the picture, though.

The difference being you didn’t say anything, you sat with your discomfort - he felt he had the right not just to comment but provide the means to alter her dress and ask her to do so.

EweCee · 01/10/2026 13:46

I cannot get over the number of people on this thread thinking its ok for a man to police a woman's clothes and modesty in a professional setting or any setting! What are we in, the 1950s?! If the outfit conformed to the business' professional dress code (which I'm assuming it did as OP had confirmation from Manager it was fine), then his continued focus on OP's modesty and inappropriate comments focussed on female sex characteristic (breasts, breastfeeding, BRAC2 gene which is a female only cancer etc) is entirely inappropriate and sexual harassment.

EmpressStorm · 01/10/2026 16:13

EweCee · 01/10/2026 13:46

I cannot get over the number of people on this thread thinking its ok for a man to police a woman's clothes and modesty in a professional setting or any setting! What are we in, the 1950s?! If the outfit conformed to the business' professional dress code (which I'm assuming it did as OP had confirmation from Manager it was fine), then his continued focus on OP's modesty and inappropriate comments focussed on female sex characteristic (breasts, breastfeeding, BRAC2 gene which is a female only cancer etc) is entirely inappropriate and sexual harassment.

Saying it’s not sexual harassment doesn’t translate to saying it’s ok. Thay was a leap you made as not everyone agrees with you and you appear to have come over all angry about it

User12334 · 01/10/2026 17:58

LassoOfTruth · 30/09/2026 22:05

Of course this is sexual harassment, even the off-colour jokes could be seen as sexual harassment depending on your workplace policy. Well done for making a complaint! If he’s singling you out for jokes or comments because you’re female it could also constitute discrimination on the basis of the protected characteristic of sex. You might consider keeping a log of these behaviours and insisting that HR ensure that it stops. Anyway he sounds like an arse and I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Good luck with baby!

In the past he has made a lot of "jokes" about me playing mum or making comments about being a mum (I have one LO already), like if I offer to make someone a coffee or tidy up he's like "oh stop playing mum", I shut him down on that and made it clear in our "restorative conversation" that it isn't acceptable but even after I had shut it down in the past he continued because he felt it was acceptable despite being outright told otherwise. I actually mentioned this to my manager and he said "we've all made a joke about you playing mum" and I'm like well none of you should and he was told outright not to and continued 🤦‍♂️.

OP posts:
Getalittle · 01/10/2026 18:07

Erm… I’d be putting in a complaint that you are being made to work with someone more frequently who has sexually harassed you. That’s unacceptable.

User12334 · 01/10/2026 18:11

latetothefisting · 01/10/2026 13:29

OP I think you need to separate out a few different things.

Colleague was inappropriate = 100% agree, but essentially so does your employer - the grievance was upheld. Unless he does something else, just treat him as politely as you can.

Other colleagues are siding with him = you admit that is just a feeling. You don't know this. Perhaps they are, perhaps they don't want to get too involved, perhaps they just want to be polite or even friendly because they know they have to work with both of you. Take a step back and do the same. At the end of the day they don't HAVE to be on your side, they aren't your friends.

Moving working patterns = It's not clear if they're only moving yours and his working patterns, or everyone in your team's. If the latter it might feel more targeted than it is. If the first then yeah, that is dodgy and something I'd query.

At the end of the day, you're pregnant, you're already off sick, I'd struggle on with the next few months as it's a short time in the scale of things. You can't be sacked with pregnancy related illness so if you need to take a few days off because the commute is too much, do it. Then you'll have time off with baby - it's amazing how much things can change in 18 (ish) months. He might have left by then or be in a different team, you'll have different priorities, might come back doing fewer hours or whatever, the new system might have changed again, etc. Just get through the next few months, don't kick up a fuss or endanger your mat leave, then take the rest as it comes down the line.

Edited

I appreciate this reply, I think you're right and with my shifting hormones and admittedly my mental health being all over the shop I think I am maybe looking into colleagues siding with him more than I should be. Like I understand my team leader and manager have a duty to care to both of us but part of me is also like well fuck him why should he, but my only female friend and colleague has been shifted to another team, so I do feel a bit alone in this team right now and am now the only female.

We're a small team, there's 3 of us that are now being asked for this change in working pattern, the 3 of all have our own niches so we don't really have anything we need to do face to face with each other. Supposedly, the change of this has been on the back of our company survey which the team was quite negative in their feedback (the very obvious negative feedback is clearly from said grievance colleague as he's always been like this and is not happy in the company). One of the questions we were very negative on was the "sense of family" in the team, so their bright idea is to force us to spend more time with each other so we form a nice family bond. All my colleagues are fine but they're not my family and like you say not my friends, it feels very unnecessary and as much as I've tried to rationalise it, I have my back up about it. I'm not going to mention my feelings on it regarding said colleague and have requested reasonable adjustments to not have to a visit to these sites more than once a month because I'm pregnant, so we'll see what they come back with.

Thank you though, you're right and I'm sure everything will work out eventually, I've always enjoyed this job but if things don't improve I can always move on elsewhere (after I get my mat leave!!)

OP posts:
User12334 · 01/10/2026 18:15

Everyinch · 01/10/2026 12:33

So the outcome of the grievance is to punish you with a long commute to work with the person who caused offence. I'd take out another grievance about that.

Yeah I think this is what is getting to me, like they've done everything by the book and now just want it swept under the rug and for us to be a happy family again 🤦‍♂️

OP posts:
RoobarbsCustard · 01/10/2026 18:18

Didimum · 30/09/2026 14:53

How is the behaviour of a sexual nature?

Because he was referring to a part of her body and telling her to cover it up. Not sure why that’s not obvious.

RoobarbsCustard · 01/10/2026 18:20

EweCee · 01/10/2026 13:46

I cannot get over the number of people on this thread thinking its ok for a man to police a woman's clothes and modesty in a professional setting or any setting! What are we in, the 1950s?! If the outfit conformed to the business' professional dress code (which I'm assuming it did as OP had confirmation from Manager it was fine), then his continued focus on OP's modesty and inappropriate comments focussed on female sex characteristic (breasts, breastfeeding, BRAC2 gene which is a female only cancer etc) is entirely inappropriate and sexual harassment.

Quite. It has certainly changed around here and not in a good way. Either there’s more men posting or we’ve taken a massive step backwards with women’s understanding of inappropriate behaviour and what’s acceptable - both from men and towards other women who are reporting harassment.

User12334 · 01/10/2026 18:21

EmpressStorm · 01/10/2026 16:13

Saying it’s not sexual harassment doesn’t translate to saying it’s ok. Thay was a leap you made as not everyone agrees with you and you appear to have come over all angry about it

But it is actually sexual harassment, I definitely wouldn't have described it as that in the beginning and it is a strong choice of words, but after reading the acas advice and speaking with others, it is sexual harassment even if it's not as severe as other examples. Impact over intent is real and I think if we were all more aware and accepting of this then there would be less of it still happening. I appreciate you're saying you agree it's not okay and if you don't agree with the term that's fine too but I think there is still a lack of understanding in society

OP posts:
Didimum · 01/10/2026 18:22

RoobarbsCustard · 01/10/2026 18:18

Because he was referring to a part of her body and telling her to cover it up. Not sure why that’s not obvious.

Not obvious whatsoever. References to modesty and sexual intent are definitely not synonymous.

Marycontrarygarden · 01/10/2026 18:24

EamonnFyre · 30/09/2026 13:36

I’m not sure that you might be being a bit over sensitive here. Or possibly I’ve completely misunderstood. I’m just thinking that if a female colleague had offered you a safety pin would you have been as offended. I don’t see this as harassment as such, just a really clunky and poorly articulated mention that your dress was maybe not fastened properly?

What the fuck? How dare he tell her to cover up!

Didimum · 01/10/2026 18:25

User12334 · 01/10/2026 18:21

But it is actually sexual harassment, I definitely wouldn't have described it as that in the beginning and it is a strong choice of words, but after reading the acas advice and speaking with others, it is sexual harassment even if it's not as severe as other examples. Impact over intent is real and I think if we were all more aware and accepting of this then there would be less of it still happening. I appreciate you're saying you agree it's not okay and if you don't agree with the term that's fine too but I think there is still a lack of understanding in society

I think it needs better explanation of where the sexual motivated intent is, is all.

Marycontrarygarden · 01/10/2026 18:25

User12334 · 30/09/2026 13:58

I didn't initially see it as sexual harassment, my manager was actually the one that said it was and I think if you look at the Acas definition it does fit but I know it sounds extreme. I'm totally fine working with him, it's more the expecting us to work face to face each week when we didnt have to previously. The grievance was upheld, but I feel a bit like okay it's upheld get on with it now but I still have lingering feelings. There has been previous inappropriateness i just didn't have the confidence to address at the time, one example being when speaking openly about having thr BRCA2 gene and possible preventive mastectomy in the future he replied with "oh you going to come in looking like Pamela Anderson"

You ABSOLUTELY should not have to work with this guy! That's absurd! Get legal advice.

mcmuffin22 · 01/10/2026 18:30

Didimum · 01/10/2026 18:25

I think it needs better explanation of where the sexual motivated intent is, is all.

The constant references to the OP's breasts? You don't think that's sexual?

User12334 · 01/10/2026 18:40

Didimum · 01/10/2026 18:25

I think it needs better explanation of where the sexual motivated intent is, is all.

His intent doesn't matter, I'm sure he thought he was a knight in shining armour, however the impact left me embarrassed and degraded, impact over intent

OP posts:
RoobarbsCustard · 01/10/2026 18:42

Didimum · 01/10/2026 18:25

I think it needs better explanation of where the sexual motivated intent is, is all.

I don’t think you need an explanation, it’s a clear as day.

RoobarbsCustard · 01/10/2026 18:43

User12334 · 01/10/2026 18:40

His intent doesn't matter, I'm sure he thought he was a knight in shining armour, however the impact left me embarrassed and degraded, impact over intent

I doubt he thought he was a night in shining armour, he was trying to demean, humiliate and control you.

User12334 · 01/10/2026 18:46

RoobarbsCustard · 01/10/2026 18:43

I doubt he thought he was a night in shining armour, he was trying to demean, humiliate and control you.

I agree, but it will be disguised as him helping me because I'm a helpless woman in his eyes, even his own wording of "a colleague in distress" would be as well calling me a damsel

OP posts:
RoobarbsCustard · 01/10/2026 18:48

User12334 · 01/10/2026 18:46

I agree, but it will be disguised as him helping me because I'm a helpless woman in his eyes, even his own wording of "a colleague in distress" would be as well calling me a damsel

It’s gaslighting. Because he was the one that distressed you. It’s abusive and creepy, and I’m sorry that you’re still having to deal with it. You absolutely shouldn’t have to work with him alone, particularly as you said that there’s no operational reason why? I would consider legal advice if they continue to push that angle.

EmpressStorm · 01/10/2026 18:58

RoobarbsCustard · 01/10/2026 18:48

It’s gaslighting. Because he was the one that distressed you. It’s abusive and creepy, and I’m sorry that you’re still having to deal with it. You absolutely shouldn’t have to work with him alone, particularly as you said that there’s no operational reason why? I would consider legal advice if they continue to push that angle.

Gosh this is like a bingo card of hot button buzz words..

RoobarbsCustard · 01/10/2026 19:02

EmpressStorm · 01/10/2026 18:58

Gosh this is like a bingo card of hot button buzz words..

Gosh! But I forgot to include ‘bingo card’, ‘hot button’ and ‘buzz words’ so I’m glad you helped out a distressed lady, thanks 😊

wishfulthinking25 · 01/10/2026 19:04

What a vile man, if I can even call him a man. Good for you OP for raising a grievance, you done the right thing. I’d speak to your manager about how you’re feeling, they need to offer practical solutions and if in doubt, they speak to HR. Relax, enjoy your pregnancy wishing you all the best.

Dreamcatcherat50 · 01/10/2026 19:07

'I know it sounds extreme.'

No it fucking doesn't!

Incredibly brave of you to raise the grievance and even better it was upheld (very rare).

Don't start fawning at this stage.

VenusThighTrap · 01/10/2026 19:20

Typical MN - posters falling over each other to tell you you’re wrong, even though HR had confirmed its sexual harassment.

Well done for taking a stand OP. What a creep.