Boss questioned me for not attending a voluntary work social

[Assistanceme98]

I did not go to my voluntary work party. When I came to work my boss talked down to me. Saying why did I not come we had food and lots of other people went. I said I it was not for me. He said I think you would have liked it and got to spend time with people. He said this in a polite way but I found it insulting.

Making small talk after the event. What was insulting OP?

Could this be nothing more than a throwaway comment that you have taken to heart OP? Is there pressure to attend workplace social events? If that is the case then perhaps you need to have a conversation with your employer about this. Lots of workplaces are quite relaxed about attending socials but others hold a lot of importance for team building etc. It’s also very dependent on personal circumstances and employers should not penalise people who don’t attend.

I am autistic and I think that ND people being relentlessly grumpy and having this smug kind of superiority complex over NT culture is giving neurodiversity a bad name.

You might like your NT colleagues if you give them a chance. You might even have fun socialising with them outside work.

How was what he said insulting?

A lot of voluntary work things can be more you have to go or it looks bad. Next time just go.

Most people don't necessarily want to go to these things but you get to know colleagues outside of work, maybe network a bit. If you don't want to don't, but don't come back saying your boss has passed someone over you in a promotion and you don't know why. You sound difficult anyway don't play on your I assume neurodiversity, no one is actually neurotypical we are all different.

Asking once, fair enough. Persisting, or saying things like you are not a team player, unreasonable. I don't think the latter applies.

Can you explain why it was insulting? Did you use the wrong word and mean you felt bad for not going?

Yes, it's about culture building and team building for the good of individuals, careers and the business. There seems to be a new desire to avoid any contact or interaction with anyone in the work place which I really struggle to understand.

When I was an academic we had monthly evening meetings - usually in a bar r a private room - where we entertained clients and held various business activities. Despite the fact that I had no transport and lived on a bad bus route I used to go to about every other one to show willing. Eventually they agreed to provide a taxi for me because it meant standing about in a rowdy area waiting for a bus. I never asked for TOIL - I just took it by going in a couple of hours late next day to account for the late night. Its always better to ask for forgiveness than permission. Nothing was ever said.

Of course you don't have to socialise with your workmates but in this case there was a business element. I felt it was important to show my face about 50% of the time although I was not directly employed with clients.

I get why you feel insulted. He is kind of suggesting that he knows better than you whether you would have enjoyed it or not.When you said it's not for me and he's sort of saying well I think it is. There was food - there is food at my house which I chose and can eat at any point . Lots of other people went. Lots of other people go to far right rallies and lots of other people run marathons but I don't do either of those things either..Just because lots of other people do things doesn't mean I'm obliged. Getting to spend time with people is precisely the reason they I wouldn't want to attend .If I want to socialise with with people from work although it's unlikely I want to socialise with all of them simultaneously, I'll socialise out of my own choice and not at a mandatory party that's dressed up as being voluntary.

Why don't you try potholing Martin Other people will be going and you'll get a a snack at the end of it/ Oh it's not of you - well I think you might enjoy it.

Sounds as though you did your colleagues a favour by not going.

The point was that wooshing sound you heard above your head. I was replying to a comment that said "The thing is this shit isnt really voluntary".

It's the lying about it being voluntary and the "unwritten rule"/"unstated expectation" that I despair of. Not the invitation to socialise per se.

Learn to read comment threads. I am complaining about the lying.

My department runs this type of event exactly once per year and my line manager refuses to make any of his team attend. He has an autistic son and so understands full-well that it's not about hating other people but about being in a situation that is guaranteed sensory overload, with the added stress of being around people who can end your employment if you make a mistake whilst under sensory overload. I cannot tune out a roomful of human voices to somehow hear one human's voice in all that racket, especially not when someone decides to add loud background music to the mix.

We hire for promotions via open recruitment, thank gods, and being autistic and opting out of social events didn't stop me from jumping three grades in one promotion.

If the only way to get a promotion in your company is by staying late for compulsory-in-all-but-name social events that you aren't paid for, get a different job. You are being stolen from by a company that openly discriminates against parents, carers, and disabled people.

no one is actually neurotypical we are all different

This and other variants of "we're all a little bit on the spectrum" are also ableist. We aren't.

Thank you for articulating so clearly what I could not find the words for.

It's patronising. OP knows her own mind. Who is this twerp to second-guess her?