Weird conversation about problem colleague

[AmberDrop]

Hi all - would welcome views on this and will try my best to keep it concise...

Big company. About 14 months ago one colleague, let's call him Paul, started being quite blatantly rude to me on the few occasions we needed to interact.

The rudeness was snide remarks in person, rude comments on emails ("Why are you asking me for this? I don't even know what you actually do.").

Stupidly, I let it slide thinking he was just a twat.

A peer approached me last Autumn and asked if I'd ever had any issues with Paul as he'd been really rude to her. So we swapped stories and both spoke up to Paul's boss and our boss (Paul's boss's boss).

Paul got 'appropriate feedback' on this and similar complaints from three other colleagues outside our team - all women.

This month he gets a new role in our team which makes him a direct report of my boss (not a promotion but a high profile project and much more visibility).

Paul being rude to new peers (men and women). My boss openly acknowledges that Paul creeps up to him but 'acts superior' to others.

Today, Paul joined my boss's direct report meeting for the first time. About 30 mins after, my boss pulled me aside and said "I don't know if you realise but your body language was very negative in the meeting today.."

I asked him for examples and he said I had been frowning when Paul was talking. I know this wasn't conscious but am shocked it's been mentioned.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far. Would welcome views on:

1. This is worrying. You need to ensure you check your expressions and don't give them anywhere to go with this....

2. This is nuts. They don't appear to have dealt with Paul effectively and he should be the focus, not you. Forget it and move on.

Number 1. Just cover your arse, you've already complained about him. Don't make it look like you're on a mission to get rid, leave that to management.

Disclaimer: I am not saying he is not an arse.

Only that you need to tread carefully and gently as your feelings are obviously plain for others to see. Give him enough rope and all that...

Thanks Nimble. Appreciate your reply.
We have a full day 'team onsite' coming up which I am now dreading, feeling I'm being monitored.

Smile and wave (as my son in law would say)

and report him every single time and urge your work colleagues to do the same.

2 definitely! That’s awful that it’s just being minimised despite there being several complaints.

Number 1. This does not mean that your boss has properly dealt with Paul, but DON’T become part of the problem and give anyone any room to make counter accusations. Be polite and professional at all times. Each time Paul is inappropriate, hostile or rude, escalate it.

Channel Charles and Camilla dealing with Trump.

Number 1, it appears that Paul is valuable enough to them that they are prepared to overlook his behaviour.

Love this.

I’d also keep a note every time something happens. I wouldn’t necessarily report him after every incidence, but more if there’s several.

OP keep written records of every interaction you have had with Paul and all the emails he sent you so you have a trail of evidence because it looks like either:

• Paul is complaining about your behaviour to try to pretend that you are the problem

• Your organisation is toxic and has decided to protect him rather than the several employees who have made similar complaints about his behaviour.

In the meantime just act serene and professional and don't let your disgust for that weasel show.

Was Paul being rude in the meeting when you were allegedly frowning?

This. All this. Sometimes ime too someone like Paul is beloved by management, can do no wrong and eventually people leave because of him.

I would also scour your HR manual for inappropriate behaviour examples relevant to both yourself and Paul. It looks like he’s been given a heads up you and others complained about him and he’s targeting you in retaliation. Maybe he’s also claiming harassment/bullying or similar. Worse than that, the person speaking to you about your behaviour appears to be siding with Paul and maybe HR. Also, spoken comments can be very hard to prove, unless there’s a witness to them. So unless Paul’s been stupid enough to have them electronically recorded then he knows he can almost certainly get away with spoken comments (unless there’s surveillance in your company).

Body language is monitored in meetings IME

You have to try hard to keep your face and body in neutral, interspersed with realistic smiling. It's just the way of the workplace.

Sorry you are dealing with this.

I'd tell your manager you were not aware you were frowning and you were concentrating on his contributions to the meeting and thinking about those.

In future try to remain aware of your expressions.

He sounds awful and if he knows you've complained he may well have a problem with you now especially if he's an issue with women and a woman has got him in trouble (even though he got himself in bother really).

Be very careful around him, I'd put all correspondence in writing and if you have a conversation follow it up in writing. I'd avoid where possible while being civil. He sounds a very small man.

Never ever heard of this! I’m polite in meetings but I do have a poker face. Lol 😂

I am so grateful to every single person who has responded. Your comments are invaluable as this is a lonely perspective in real life.

@PrizedPickledPopcorn Your response above had already crossed my mind and it's one of many similar posts that I am going to screenshot and (very carefully) look at in breaks at the full-day team meeting which is this Friday.

Not this one, no. He tends to be rude when the boss is not around.

Did Paul complain that you were frowning at him in retaliation to you saying he was rude. Did the boss actually see it or is just believing Paul?

Yes, I now know to double down on this. I have zero poker face so need to work on that. The King meeting Trump is the way forward.

And I agree with everyone saying to keep notes (already doing this) and be wary of the potential for Paul to DARVO this situation. You are so right.

I did ask my boss if Paul had mentioned this. He said not but I can't be sure.

Keep a Mona Lisa smile on your face in all meetings and interactions and give Paul enough rope to hang himself (figuratively speaking). He will.

I am happy to hear Paul is being rude to both men and women as I thought initially it was going to be only women and you might have found it harder to get male bosses to take action. But sexism doesn’t seem to be one of his flaws…

Boss says he noticed (he was facing me diagonally so I was squarely in his eyeline) and says it didn't come from Paul. But I need to be wary that it may have - or could do in future.

The peer who also complained believes the evidence that his complainants are almost all women points to misogyny. Boss seems to doubt this. But generally the whole thing has been minimised way more than it should have been.

smile and wave - play the long game here. Everyone knows what Paul is like but need to give him enough rope to hang himself.

boss has to tread a very difficult line here- don’t give Paul any excuses for his behaviour.

@AmberDrop it's a good way to think of it because you are trying to be diplomatic

Doesn't 90% of our communication come from body language or something

Poker face is fine I think a previous poster queried it but I think it's fine because you can say you are concentrating and it's easier to switch to a general smile.

also keeping up the general courtesy and making sure you look at people when they're speaking. I'm sure that seems really obvious, but sometimes I would get really bored and forget

oh, and don't fidget because then it's obvious you're bored

You might just be a fidgety person, but I don't think that's how they see it

Maybe I should set up a consultancy 😂😂😂 seriously I feel like younger people - younger than me LOL - often don't know this stuff because no one gets proper training anymore

Love Mona Lisa smile - another great coping mechanism.

It was five women and one man, so we do think misogyny is part of it.

And when the complaints first hit last Autumn Paul's line manager's response was to lead with 'he's had tough year....' like no one else had. Again, minimising, excusing, which was really disappointing.

My boss has also made comments about the complainants 'having a problem with Paul' which makes me so frustrated as it characterises them as making this personal. I have corrected him every time: 'We gave feedback on problem behaviours. The focus should be on how Paul can address those, not on the colleagues who raised them'.

Thank you - more great advice.

I absolutely believe that I had/can have unconscious reactions that I need to check. It's possible I had a 'face leak'.