Weird conversation about problem colleague

[AmberDrop]

Hi all - would welcome views on this and will try my best to keep it concise...

Big company. About 14 months ago one colleague, let's call him Paul, started being quite blatantly rude to me on the few occasions we needed to interact.

The rudeness was snide remarks in person, rude comments on emails ("Why are you asking me for this? I don't even know what you actually do.").

Stupidly, I let it slide thinking he was just a twat.

A peer approached me last Autumn and asked if I'd ever had any issues with Paul as he'd been really rude to her. So we swapped stories and both spoke up to Paul's boss and our boss (Paul's boss's boss).

Paul got 'appropriate feedback' on this and similar complaints from three other colleagues outside our team - all women.

This month he gets a new role in our team which makes him a direct report of my boss (not a promotion but a high profile project and much more visibility).

Paul being rude to new peers (men and women). My boss openly acknowledges that Paul creeps up to him but 'acts superior' to others.

Today, Paul joined my boss's direct report meeting for the first time. About 30 mins after, my boss pulled me aside and said "I don't know if you realise but your body language was very negative in the meeting today.."

I asked him for examples and he said I had been frowning when Paul was talking. I know this wasn't conscious but am shocked it's been mentioned.

Thanks for reading if you've got this far. Would welcome views on:

1. This is worrying. You need to ensure you check your expressions and don't give them anywhere to go with this....

2. This is nuts. They don't appear to have dealt with Paul effectively and he should be the focus, not you. Forget it and move on.

It’s a long game:
His new role will probably bring him into contact with lots more people. So plenty more people to complain about him so the evidence mounts.
Potentially the new role will be more stressful for him that the old one especially as it’s a high visibility project. The added pressure is likely to make the rudeness surface repeatedly so the complaints will rise.
Right now management think they need his knowledge for this project but if the downside is issues with working relationships they will take action.

I am curious as to how long he has been at the organization as you say he only started being rude 14 months ago. What made him change? Something at work eg overlooked for promotion or something at home eg marital issues? Is there a chance this could resolve and the rudeness disappear?

If your boss says people ‘have a problem with Paul’ I would smile sweetly and say ‘no, Paul has a problem treating people respectfully and that is not acceptable workplace behaviour. That’s why people are raising complaints.’

There is great advice on here, but as an older woman who has also been challenged about my face in meetings, I would clap back at the boss. At my age when I am concentrating, it often looks like a frown. When I had feedback about my face, I stated the above, and its something that has happened more as I age.

Difficult behaviour in the work place is tough all round.

A couple of bits to keep in mind;

1. Your behaviour is almost always judged in isolation. So negative body language towards a colleagues contributions gets viewed as just that. Zero context on the background of them being an arse previously. So you need to do the Queen / Swan / Mona Lisa thing. Otherwise you’ve let them lead you into bringing your behaviour down to that level. An angle to keep in mind is fly on the wall watching the interactions who doesn’t know Paul’s an arse and is watching the interactions. You want to show up to that fly as the consummate professional. Your boss is probably trying to protect you with early feedback so you don’t get dragged down.
2. performance management and disciplinary processes are all structured so that the only people who know Whats going on are the manager, the HR person and the individual. It’s not school where house points get taken off next to the persons name on the wall chart. Geberally the first bit anyone else knows is when someone leaves as a result. Warnings, performance improvement plans, missed bonuses etc are all out of sight of others.

Both! You need to escalate Paul’s behaviour at every opportunity, but also be as squeaky clean as you can be.

'I'm sorry, it seems like you are drawing attention to that I was concentrating in the meeting today. Can you explain the issue please?'

Refuse to be tone policed and don't back down an inch. Then smile and be a villain, keep detailed records, sink the knife in when the opportunity comes and have lines ready to pick him up whenever he speaks to you or in front of you abusively. Persue to the end every time, never accept mediation. He is the organisations problem, they bought him.

Your boss thinks Paul is less of an issue than you and other colleagues make him out to be. He might privately acknowledge that he isn't much a team player, can be abrasive and will try to curry favour or play divide and conquer, but he thinks his skills and ability override this, so he's prepared to tolerate what he sees as merely quirks.

He thinks that as Paul has been given 'appropriate feedback' on his communication style in the past, you should accept that it's been dealt with and move on from it. He thinks you are still carrying a grudge and he's watching for signs that confirm that.

I was pulled up in similar circumstances. Unfortunately I "face leak" (great expression!) so my feelings are always known and I'd had issues with a colleague and honestly I thought he was an idiot, my face betrayed me in the meeting but I was being unprofessional. I now have to work harder on my body language.

This is a very good point. There is definitely more of a societal (patriarchal?) expectation for women to have an actively pleasant rather than relaxed facial expression.

If your face in repose is being misinterpreted as a frown, where a man's resting facial expression would not be, then that is sexism.

Why should you constantly have to hold your facial muscles in a "Mona Lisa smile" so as not to offend the men in the room?

Absolutely! It does feels ageist/sexist that once your face is not pleasantly youthful you start to be accused of looking grumpy/tired etc etc. I dont look bad for someone in my early 60s, people regularly tell me that I look younger than I am, but I definitely look more frown-y than I used to. Sod working to look pleasant all the time.

Start taking lots more notes in meetings. This helps stop you zoning out if things get dull, and gives the impression you're paying attention, but also means your resting facial expression is less visible and you can prepare 'positive face' for when you look up.

😁

You need to make sure you own behaviour is above reproach.

But report anything you see that he does that is inappropriate

Management generally hate people who bring problems. Not fair, but doesn't mean it doesn't happen

I don’t have a problem with Paul. I have a problem with misogyny and sexist behaviour.

Many people appear stern when they are focused or even relaxed. Does it generally bother you? Please don’t fall for that misogynistic trope that women who aren’t actively smiling look unfriendly.

This is so spookily accurate, @Choux

When our boss told us about Paul's new role it prompted several of his existing directs to say 'Are you sure this is the right decision? Are you sure Paul will be an ambassador for this department?'

His reply was that he needed Paul's specific subject matter expertise, there was no one else in the team who had it, and he was not allowed to hire anyone new.

He also said 'He will be seen by so many more people that if he doesn't change his behaviour then it will be obvious very quickly as he's more visible'.
In other words, exactly what you've described.

I believe there would be a tolerance level that could be breached. But it's not as low as it should be.

He's been in the company a long time - 10+years. But my boss let slip that his wife left him last year (he mentioned this as part of the 'he has a lot going on' spiel). Obviously that's sad but everyone in our team has a lot going on. And even it excused bad behaviour for a few weeks, he doesn't get a 14+ month pass unless he's a man.

Exactly - it's so subjective. Some people have poorer vision than others. I know I wasn't scowling at him.

This. This is how it will be now, of course. If this is the game then I we be amazing at playing it.

Your behaviour is almost always judged in isolation. So negative body language towards a colleagues contributions gets viewed as just that. Zero context on the background of them being an arse previously. So you need to do the Queen / Swan / Mona Lisa thing. Otherwise you’ve let them lead you into bringing your behaviour down to that level. An angle to keep in mind is fly on the wall watching the interactions who doesn’t know Paul’s an arse and is watching the interactions. You want to show up to that fly as the consummate professional. Your boss is probably trying to protect you with early feedback so you don’t get dragged down.

Love this, @ScaryM0nster and it's so true. This is one of the screenshots I'm going to keep.

Similarly to @Choux 's post, this is really on the money. And as another poster said, bosses hate problems, especially ones involving people and things they consider 'petty'.

This is absolutely part of the plan. I'm going to take a notebook on Friday and write a LOT (while trying not to doodle devil characters).

I'd be tempted to say "If you know of a way to get rid of my frown lines, please tell me as I'm spending a fortune on face cream already'.

@MrsChristmasHasResigned and @Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Quite. It's a very male dominated business. My boss is pretty decent but his decision to let Paul 'fail up', his minimising of the problems, and now this... have made me bitterly disappointed in him and broken my trust, I'm thinking about looking for an internal move now. That in itself is galling as I love my current role, am good at it and would feel pushed out by Paul.

And thank you all SO much for taking the time to share such insightful and supportive posts. They have been more helpful than you know.

Keep records as suggested.

Please don't flatter him by referring to him as a weasel, that is unkind to weasels, they are not blatantly sexist as he seems to be.