Emotional at work after confrontation

[SisterImpera]

I started a new job three weeks ago. Today I was in the office and a colleague I didn't know started to loudly berate me about occupying a free desk as the desks belonged to his team. I had asked permission of a team member to use the desk, if it was free, and they'd said it was and I could. He said I should have been properly allocated a desk - I agreed, and said that unfortunately the person doing the allocations had been off work since I started the job so I had no way of getting one (there was no stand in). He said I should have asked someone if the desk I was using was free. I said I had, and they'd said it was free. He grudgingly agreed it was free and I could continue to sit there. But only for the day.

I humiliated myself by bursting into tears, at which point he asked me to reassure him that he hadn't upset me, which I obediently did - between sobs (why do men do this? do they actually think 'that's okay then' when a woman they've obviously made cry tells them they're not crying because of them???).

What they don't know - and I'm not going to tell them - is that I left my last job because of being bullied horribly by my manager, and having this man hector me loudly and publicly about something I felt wasn't my fault made me very (probably disproportionally) upset.

I was crying so much that I had to pick up my things and leave the office, and missed a meeting. As soon as I got home I emailed my manager (at a different location) and explained that I'd gotten upset and why, and asked if I could be allocated a desk or suggested I work at a different office, that has plenty of free desks, in future.

I've just got off the phone to him. He knew about the incident as a couple of people had emailed him to say I was upset. However, he was confident the other person wasn't actually rude, the people emailing him had said the guy definitely wasn't being rude, and I need to understand there are all different types of people, some of whom say things loudly but don't mean to be rude. I have now been allocated a desk for the next two days and so he needs me to just focus on the work, going forward.

Tomorrow I need to go and sit next to these men who have witnessed me reacting to a definitely-not-rude guy by sobbing in the workplace. I'm hideously embarrassed and currently sinking into a bottle of wine.

I suppose I need to learn not to cry at work. I don't know how. I'm not sure the wine is the best way of dealing with this, particularly as it's a habit I adopted at the previous job (see comment above re bullying) and was trying to stop.

Bullying at work is the problem, not the reaction to being on the receiving end of being a bully.

Misogyny like this is the last acceptable unacceptable behaviour by men in the workplace.

It does sound as if the OP is still a bit delicate from her previous bad experience, but I can think of no reason for anyone to publicly berate someone for sitting in the wrong fucking desk.

In my workplace anything other than a friendly

“Hi, I’m John, I realise that you are new and probably don’t know but this bank of desks is reserved for xyz team” would be considered highly inappropriate.

The OP might need to work on building up her resilience but the guy was absolutely out of line.

I would say that rudeness is an example of bullying though, they aren't separate behaviours. If someone is rude then they are a bully.

If she is already feeling mentally fragile through a previous toxic working environment, she’s not going to be in a position to turn off her emotions and act in the way you desire - people aren’t robots.

Whats meant to happen in 2026 is colleagues are meant to be respected and work places are meant to be healthy. By doubling down on this guys behaviour and protecting his dominant, belligerent managerial style the big boss is condoning his conduct and the OP is recognising this place might not be for her.

My workplace is horribly toxic. Mostly women. There’s a few at the top that have screamed at me directly and scream at others more regularly. There is also a blame culture which means everyone will throw a colleague under the bus at a moments notice to save themselves, so trust is limited. I tolerate it because I could do with the money and I’ve worked in far worse places. If I’m feeling emotional though and I get screamed at I am likely to cry. Only happened once though.

Please don't offer to buy him a coffee or try to explain you were a bit fraught. Trying to appease a bully never works. Just keep things professional. My employers would never permit this behaviour and they wouldn't be saying some people say unpleasant things loudly but don't mean to be rude. And you assured him that he hadn't upset you - of course he upset you and you should have told him so. Why else would you have burst into tears about him hectoring you about using an empty desk?

I once had a terrible work place where bullying was the default setting for senior people. I left. It took me a long time to overcome being apprehensive about going into work in my new job. The new place was nothing like my old job. Frankly, this workplace sounds badly organised and quite unpleasant.

If she is already feeling mentally fragile through a previous toxic working environment, she’s not going to be in a position to turn off her emotions and act in the way you desire - people aren’t robots.

No, but people also aren't psychic. Her new colleagues can have no idea that she's been left so fragile from bullying at her previous workplace that what sounds like a fairly ordinary misunderstanding about a desk was going to trigger her so strongly.

If that was the case the guy would have apologised, no? I know if I’d upset someone by yelling I’d certainly apologise, particularly if they had cried. What I wouldn’t do is harrang them for the next two days abd ensure everybody said it was their fault.

Don’t buy him a coffee.

Probably not a great way to suggest someone behaves during their probationary period.

Please don't jump to any rash decisions.

It look like there is just one rude manager.

It's only been 3 weeks so give it time.

He shouldn't have done what he did but hopefully he will learn from it as he could see that he upset you and was worried you would complain about him.

Most people would have just argued back. You didn't probably because of the experience at your last company when you were bullied.

I once was a bit rude to someone about sitting at a desk and I was mortified. It ruined our work relationship for a while and I learned my lesson. It’s horrible having nowhere you belong at work, especially at a new job.

I’ve recently started a new role and had to work in a different office. Sat somewhere I assumed was free. Colleague came round and I wondered if she was going to tell
me to move but instead she was just introducing herself and the team. Why can’t people just be a bit more like that!

Yay. Go you for not fawning and explaining things clearly to your manager. Keep posting - and remember you have the Mumsnet army behind you.

Crack on with work for a few days and see how things go. If you encounter The Men Being Awkward again, slap a half smile on, be bright and brisk, professional and slightly louder than normal.

Thank you for telling me, Mike. So you are saying that . . . Have I understood you correctly?

If course, I'll move my things, Dave, is it? Just to be clear, you feel X. As you know I'm new here, so want to be 100% clear.

No problem at all. We all just want to get on with our work don't we?

(And if anyone ever sits on your desk again, just express concern - 'Just so that you know, there was a rather sticky stain on that desk this morning. I do hope that it's not all over your trousers')

Reflected back, their petty objections s will seen petty, but you aren't complaining, just clarifying.

Id bet he told those colleagues to email your manager, to circumvent any complaints, and probably told them to say he wasn't being aggressive.

Good luck, you. Hopefully this was just a blip, but if not, at least you've found out early . . .

He sat on the desk? That's out of order. It's obviously territorial and overbearing, deliberately so.
Not introducing himself is rude. Interrupting is rude. Using swear words at work is inappropriate and unprofessional.
Don't concede that they’re right. And don't forget you did nothing wrong and in fact asked politely and respectfully.

Outrageously insensitive - you should be ashamed of your attitude. If you haven't had a promotion, maybe it's because of tactless behaviour like this. Blunt as a spoon

Just came on to say your manager is a dick too. It’s not difficult to ensure that a new start has a desk to work at every day for their first couple of weeks.

I feel for you OP. I am currently on my knees trying to function at work as I am consistently weighed down by my own mental health and family problems. I am very lucky as I work from home, I'm under no illusions my facade of functionality would not last in the office. Trying my best.

This job you have won't be forever and you'll move onto another workplace which I hope will be better for you ❤️ don't let anyone bash you with the resilience card - yes we have to try to get through the day but you've been through a lot and it can show sometimes. I can fully see why the situation was triggering, the guy's a dick regardless, but you won't have to deal with him long term. Use this all as motivation to move onto a workplace that suits you better.

You've got lots of support here & you're doing better than you think ❤️ feel free to PM me if you ever need. It's impossible to overstate the effects of bullying - I've been there and I know it's so tough. Things will get better though xx

Jeez, I wouldn't be buying him a coffee. Not unless I had the opportunity to spit in it, anyway.

He’s a bully. Sounds like he got his flying monkeys to defend him via email, if he’d done nothing wrong why would he/they have bothered? It sounds like you handled today really well but don’t concede anything - you got upset because someone upset you. Hope things settle but you need to make sure they know you stand up for yourself. Your manager sounds just as bad though so I’d wait this one out for now. My daughter works in a predominantly male environment - I admire the way she sticks up for herself and most of the men are respectful and quite wary of her, but they do make her cry sometimes. The difference between her and me is that she doesn’t see that as a weakness in herself, she sees it that someone was horrible to her and made her cry. She’s right. Up the sisterhood !

Don't buy him a coffee, but ideally also don't cry at work. And don't project your issues from a previous job onto your new colleagues. It's not clear to me whether he was rude or not, but you being bullied at a previous job shouldn't mean your new colleagues have to tiptoe around you now.

However, he was confident the other person wasn't actually rude, the people emailing him had said the guy definitely wasn't being rude

Ok, this could be true, its possible that everyone quickly emailed that he'd definitely not been rude.

But I wouldn't assume that is true. Id be suspicious that he has form for this kind of bullish behaviour. Maybe your manager doesn't want to be bothered addressing it. Some managers are incompetent/weak and avoid having to deal with this kind of character.

Anyhow. Glad you've had a slightly better day.

Well done for going back in and handling it well.

your manager is a poor manager - should have booked you a desk and is clearly trying to minimise what happened. If the money/job works for you try and see them for what they are - terrible at their jobs

ps. Think about hrt if your peri is making you feel anxious. For your own well-being not to do with work!

@SisterImpera take heart that the other chap quietly came and told you it had happened to him. The manager and others may not realise that others feel the same or may not want to admit it (not condoning it - just they may just want a quiet life). Keep your boundaries, show how capable you are and then you can decide what you want to do when things have settled down. It may be that you find it’s good enough for you to stay or you may decide it isn’t - just don’t rush into anything. And well done for facing your fears and calmly standing your ground!

OP in the nicest possible way stop crying at work, it isn't the right emotion for a professional environment. Its an overreaction in 95% of situations and undermines you.

Keep control and when someone confronted you in this way stay calm and focused and with charm and a smile give them the same back.

I would have taken his power away and while he was still rattling on called my line manger and told them I'm with X who has said I need to move desks, please can you let me know which desk I can sit at?

This is not an emotional thing, it's a desk, if finding a seat is too hard which it sounds like it is, find the person who can help you find a seat which I would start with your line manager.

To give this guy the benefit of the doubt he may well be frustrated not at you but at having to continuously defend his team desks from new people who clearly aren't being onboarded properly.

If anyone mentions the crying just laugh it off and say they were tears of frustration.

Please don’t buy him a coffee. He doesn’t deserve it. He’s out of order and you cried because you’re fragile from previous bullying.