Emotional at work after confrontation

[SisterImpera]

I started a new job three weeks ago. Today I was in the office and a colleague I didn't know started to loudly berate me about occupying a free desk as the desks belonged to his team. I had asked permission of a team member to use the desk, if it was free, and they'd said it was and I could. He said I should have been properly allocated a desk - I agreed, and said that unfortunately the person doing the allocations had been off work since I started the job so I had no way of getting one (there was no stand in). He said I should have asked someone if the desk I was using was free. I said I had, and they'd said it was free. He grudgingly agreed it was free and I could continue to sit there. But only for the day.

I humiliated myself by bursting into tears, at which point he asked me to reassure him that he hadn't upset me, which I obediently did - between sobs (why do men do this? do they actually think 'that's okay then' when a woman they've obviously made cry tells them they're not crying because of them???).

What they don't know - and I'm not going to tell them - is that I left my last job because of being bullied horribly by my manager, and having this man hector me loudly and publicly about something I felt wasn't my fault made me very (probably disproportionally) upset.

I was crying so much that I had to pick up my things and leave the office, and missed a meeting. As soon as I got home I emailed my manager (at a different location) and explained that I'd gotten upset and why, and asked if I could be allocated a desk or suggested I work at a different office, that has plenty of free desks, in future.

I've just got off the phone to him. He knew about the incident as a couple of people had emailed him to say I was upset. However, he was confident the other person wasn't actually rude, the people emailing him had said the guy definitely wasn't being rude, and I need to understand there are all different types of people, some of whom say things loudly but don't mean to be rude. I have now been allocated a desk for the next two days and so he needs me to just focus on the work, going forward.

Tomorrow I need to go and sit next to these men who have witnessed me reacting to a definitely-not-rude guy by sobbing in the workplace. I'm hideously embarrassed and currently sinking into a bottle of wine.

I suppose I need to learn not to cry at work. I don't know how. I'm not sure the wine is the best way of dealing with this, particularly as it's a habit I adopted at the previous job (see comment above re bullying) and was trying to stop.

OK, OP. I don't know your industry and its culture, but this is what I would do in your situation:
A) do NOT buy the aggressive man a coffee. This would essentially be you apologising for him treating you unprofessionally.
B) email your LM and say that you appreciate him taking the time to check in with you, but that you feel the situation maybhace been misrepresents to him - you WERE spoken to unprofessionally, and while you are of course focused on your work and doing the best job possible, you have a right to be spoken to with dignity and respect in the workplace, and this was not what happened.
C) going forwards, if anyone makes you uncomfortable with the tone they are using, tell them so and say you are therefore unwilling to have this conversation right now. Leave, go to the work toilets or something if you need to cry (I cry easily too, especially now I am menopausal - it's a fucking nightmare at work!). Emerge when you feel calmer and go back to your tasks. If the aggressor comes and speaks to you more politely, fine. If they continue their inappropriate tone, rinse and repeat. You have the right to be spoken to with dignity and respect in the workplace.

I am sorry this happened, and it's NOT YOUR FAULT. And those guys who sent the emails backing up their mate for soeaking rudely to a new colleague, ought to be ashamed of themselves.

If a friend of mine at work spoke unfairly to a colleague, I would tell them so - I would not help cover up for them!

But, c'est le patriarchy!

You weren't in the wrong - you may have overreacted, but that happens and it's ok. You don't need to go out of your way to be nice to this person now - fawning will not serve you well. Just be courteous and professional. We all have bad days in the office; hopefully this guy is also feeling sheepish for having berated you for no good reason. It will be ok! x

Please don’t do this if the witnesses feel otherwise, this poster has neglected to take into account uour history and how situations can be very different to how we experience them due to previous trauma.

Did you tell your manager you were leaving work early? I hope you didn’t send any emails after you’d had a glass of wine 🍷

Popped out for lunch so thought I’d check the thread. You will be proud - I did not fawn, or engage, or anything. I’ve really benefited from the anti-fawning advice in this thread, thank you - didn’t realise what an entrenched (and counterproductive) behaviour it is!

One of the other guys had booked me a desk elsewhere and quietly told me that he’d had the same problem when he’d tried to sit on a vacant desk in that area, so at least I know now not to go there again, even if I have to sit on the floor.

However, manager asked for a F2F as he wanted to understand why I’d gotten so upset when the guy was definitely not rude to me. Apparently “no one could understand it”. I explained calmly and with as much dignity as possible, that he’d been in my personal space (he’d sat on the desk) and started berating me without even introducing himself. He’d interrupted me when I tried to explain, he’d done all this loudly so I was embarrassed, and when I got upset had continued to try to engage rather than giving me time to compose myself. All over a desk that was in fact free!! I said there were other ways of being rude than using swear words.

Unfortunately though, it seems these people all think this kind of behaviour is appropriate. Happy to concede that they’re right and I’m disproportionately emotional - but in that case it’s really not a good cultural fit for me, is it? Probably just as well for all parties to find out this early. Will have a calm “don’t do or say anything rash” day today, and perhaps invoke my network tomorrow.

Not drinking wine tonight either ;)

'Happy to concede that they’re right and I’m disproportionately emotional'

Ok. Why are you happy to concede any of that when you know and understand that it isn't true?

You can be disproportionately emotional and them still be wrong. But some workplaces are shouty and aggressive, this one may not be the right place for you. Lucky you've found out in the early days

You're not in the wrong, I have been in this situation twice. I had previously worked in the same company for 20 years, big company, never had an issue with anyone, not one person. After covid I started a PT job in the village shop, it was awful, family owned and toxic. I got another PT job, family owned and they were mostly all talking about each other and playing staff off one another. Awful, my next and last job I loved but I was so flipping sensitive I cried at the stupidest things that I deemed to be personally aimed at me. I decided to resign and build thicker skin and coping mechanisms.

The guy sitting on the desk to berate you was a power move by him OP. No wonder you were upset. It was totally unprofessional of him! Would he sit on a man’s desk??? Or on his manager’s desk??

Total power trip on his behalf - he knew exactly what he was doing to the new person, he couldn't have marked his territory any clearer if he'd wee'd on it. Prick.

It sounds like no-one thought he was rude because that wasn't him in rude mode - I bet his rude mode is much worse and they've all been on the receiving end of it or witnessed it. Again - prick.

So - tits up, to quote Mrs Maisel, and go in with your head high. Meet his gaze, hold it, and the go to your desk. Don't engage, unless he comes over to apologise. If he does, thank him for his apology, and put headphones in if you can. If he starts to qualify it, simply repeat 'thank you for your apology'. Don't get drawn into conversation with him. Cool, calm and collected. You were not the a-hole here, he was.

Where I work that would not have happened. No one would have spoken to you like that about where you were sitting. If someone had objected they'd have spoken to the person's manager. He was an absolute arse having a go at you, a new employee, about a desk no one else was trying to use. What was he trying to achieve other than to throw his weight around?

Out of interest. All of the people who are absolutely convinced you are over-emotional and there was nothing bullying about his behaviour, are they all men perchance?

Write down everything that happened and what was said in this meeting directly you get home, whilst it’s still fresh. I wish you had been able to take someone into the meeting alongside you, as to me it sounds very much like an ambush to ensure they can claim they quashed it and you walked away happy. The faux ignorance as to why you might have been upset about being publicly shouted at for doing nothing wrong is particularly frustrating. This is not the 1980s anymore. I’d love to know what your industry is.

What a silly comment, firstly no one is convinced she’s over emotional and secondly it is mainly women on here and we are able to look at a situation and respond honestly based on thr facts without going there there dear.

Read it again. My question was about the people in the OP’s office. Nothing about anyone on here. It’s very interesting that you were triggered though 🤭

Oh ok, but then people in the office never said she as over emotional thays why it confused Me. They said she was very upset, went home, he wasn’t rude. Of the first two we know this is factually correct, she said she was sobbing so much she had to leave;

It’s literally in her last post! You need to reread the whole thing again and then my post will make sense.

I did read it, again that’s not what she said, she said they felt his behaviour was appropriate, so her conclusion is she’s disproportionately emotional, it doesn’t mean they have said this,

and if I’m honest, I Suspect her take is accurate, sure he was grumpy, but it is not a scenario that would have most people sobbing so hard they had to leave the office for the day, and I don’t think it does her any favours to tell her all women would behave like that and it’s the big bad men.

"One of the other guys had booked me a desk elsewhere and quietly told me that he’d had the same problem when he’d tried to sit on a vacant desk in that area"

Surely this tells you more than a bunch of men ganging up on a woman? Make friends with this other guy. Ask him about the culture, ways of working around this team of twats, etc. Also whether he's willing to back you up to your manager. I bet he knows others who have been bullied.

Calling women 'emotional' is just the latest iteration of codified misogyny, see also 'hysterical'.

@Notsosweetcaroline Well done for making this all about you by the way when my post was nothing to do with you and your only useful interaction was to say my ‘comment was silly.’ So slow hand clap to you for that.

OP wrote
I've just got off the phone to him. He knew about the incident as a couple of people had emailed him to say I was upset. However, he was confident the other person wasn't actually rude, the people emailing him had said the guy definitely wasn't being rude, and I need to understand there are all different types of people,

However, manager asked for a F2F as he wanted to understand why I’d gotten so upset when the guy was definitely not rude to me. Apparently “no one could understand it”. I explained calmly and with as much dignity as possible, that he’d been in my personal space (he’d sat on the desk) and started berating me without even introducing himself. He’d interrupted me when I tried to explain, he’d done all this loudly so I was embarrassed, and when I got upset had continued to try to engage rather than giving me time to compose myself. All over a desk that was in fact free!! I said there were other ways of being rude than using swear words.

Unfortunately though, it seems these people all think this kind of behaviour is appropriate. Happy to concede that they’re right and I’m disproportionately emotional - but in that case it’s really not a good cultural fit for me, is it?

i then said;
’Out of interest. All of the people who are absolutely convinced you are over-emotional and there was nothing bullying about his behaviour, are they all men perchance?’

My comment was designed to find out if all the people that were actively telling his boss that he wasn’t being rude, were men. I was interested.

He’s a bullying cunt. He did that in front of the whole office? I wouldn’t go back.

They are cunts. You sound lovely and normal.

I hope you can grey rock them until either you get another job or they stop being cunts.

That bloke was a horrible bully to you and I'm so glad you didn't buy him a coffee!

I have to say, your manager is being a bit of a dick as well - what you said to him about the incident should have raised concerns and understanding from him, rather than doubling down on "he definitely wasn't rude."

I don't think it's acceptable to sit on a desk and loudly berate a colleague. If he wanted you off "his team's desk" he could have had a personable hushed chat with you which wouldn't have resulted in you being upset.

I think it's strange that so many in the office are defending Mr Definitely Not Rude's behaviour - rushing to send emails etc. Perhaps he's the office bully who everyone is secretly afraid of.

I would normally agree, but the OP sounds as if she behaved totally unprofessionally in a work context, rather than standing her ground in a minor misunderstanding with a hectoring colleague over desks. I don't think calling him a bully or acting as if he was the only one behaving unprofessionally does the OP any favours either. Hopefully she's learned from it -- the key thing seems to me that she was talked out of a 'fawning' response when going back to the office today.

Absolutely.

@SisterImpera - in such a situation you need to get up and state firmly “please can you say what you want to say calmly”. If he persists state clearly that you would prefer to discuss this in private and refuse to engage further.