Emotional at work after confrontation

[SisterImpera]

I started a new job three weeks ago. Today I was in the office and a colleague I didn't know started to loudly berate me about occupying a free desk as the desks belonged to his team. I had asked permission of a team member to use the desk, if it was free, and they'd said it was and I could. He said I should have been properly allocated a desk - I agreed, and said that unfortunately the person doing the allocations had been off work since I started the job so I had no way of getting one (there was no stand in). He said I should have asked someone if the desk I was using was free. I said I had, and they'd said it was free. He grudgingly agreed it was free and I could continue to sit there. But only for the day.

I humiliated myself by bursting into tears, at which point he asked me to reassure him that he hadn't upset me, which I obediently did - between sobs (why do men do this? do they actually think 'that's okay then' when a woman they've obviously made cry tells them they're not crying because of them???).

What they don't know - and I'm not going to tell them - is that I left my last job because of being bullied horribly by my manager, and having this man hector me loudly and publicly about something I felt wasn't my fault made me very (probably disproportionally) upset.

I was crying so much that I had to pick up my things and leave the office, and missed a meeting. As soon as I got home I emailed my manager (at a different location) and explained that I'd gotten upset and why, and asked if I could be allocated a desk or suggested I work at a different office, that has plenty of free desks, in future.

I've just got off the phone to him. He knew about the incident as a couple of people had emailed him to say I was upset. However, he was confident the other person wasn't actually rude, the people emailing him had said the guy definitely wasn't being rude, and I need to understand there are all different types of people, some of whom say things loudly but don't mean to be rude. I have now been allocated a desk for the next two days and so he needs me to just focus on the work, going forward.

Tomorrow I need to go and sit next to these men who have witnessed me reacting to a definitely-not-rude guy by sobbing in the workplace. I'm hideously embarrassed and currently sinking into a bottle of wine.

I suppose I need to learn not to cry at work. I don't know how. I'm not sure the wine is the best way of dealing with this, particularly as it's a habit I adopted at the previous job (see comment above re bullying) and was trying to stop.

Omg no no no no to the coffee that’s too much. He was an arsehole not you . Perhaps it’s a self esteem issue that you need to work on and build your confidence that way? It’s sounds like you’re more worried about what they think than how it actually made you feel and that they are in the wrong …. The let them theory is a good book xx

@SisterImpera definitely don’t buy him a coffee.

This one, OP. 💪

Yep, I’m afraid I think I do use fawning as a self protection, I definitely did with that last bully. But what if it was actually me that was unreasonable? I think my manager thinks I was - he pretty much told me to get over it.

If it’s me that’s in the wrong here, then the solution is for me to crack on and get over it. If it’s them then I have to concede my new colleagues are horrible and my manager is unsupportive, which means I have to start looking for a new job. Much harder. Aaaargh.

Yeah, they'll be his mates, covering his arse.

Men are simple (if sometimes, as is the case here, somewhat dickish) creatures, aren't they? So obvious .

I bet if she took in a big box of biscuits she'd be the best thing since sliced bread by lunchtime, though.

Stop drinking to excess
Don’t buy him coffee
Don’t explain or apologise
Just get on with your job
Develop strategies to become resilient

Do whatever it takes to ensure you don’t burst into tears at work or miss meetings because you are upset - try counselling, CBT, self help books, support groups.

The buying coffee is fawning OP and a trauma response...please don't be apologetic to someone who upset YOU.

(The other emails are definitely covering for him...it wouldn't be normal to put that in emails...I think they suggest he knew he did something wrong and canvassed for support)

News day new start tomorrow. Act like nothing occurred ...fair warning about the awful shouty guy tho

Managers by and large want easy lives OP ...he just wanted it smoothed over and nothing for him to do.
Do not show weakness or apology to the shouty guy...give him a name in your head and practice being completely neutral in his presence.
His behaviour was utterly unprofessional...he is the one who needs to improve .plus he cause your manager some trouble. If you just sail on now, practising complete forgetfulness blank face about the shouty man...all will be well

Don’t fawn. The other guy will have to deal with your response to the desk situation, just as you had to deal with his. No buying him coffee. Be civil. Focus on your work.

I would put money on what they said (likely when asked rather than pre-emptive emailing - if it was a non-event why would they do that?!) was that he was “just X being X”.

I had this in my last job and people kept insisting he wasn’t being rude “for Dave” and it took me very, very bluntly pointing out one that that there are not two scales of rudeness - one for Dave and one for everyone else. Rude is rude, and just because they all accepted Dave being a dick didn’t mean everyone should be expected to do so.

Its so hard when you start a new job you feel so unsure and vulnerable and having someone shout at you is horrible. Don't apologise to him he should apologise to you

The fact that your manager had already received a couple of emails saying you were upset but also specifically that "he wasn't shouting or rude" suggests some arse covering and that he probably was being.

Don’t fawn, don’t even acknowledge. Today is a new day. If people ask if you’re ok “fine thanks, how are you?” over and over - most people will either switch to talking about themselves or fade away when they realise there is no drama/gossip and you can crack on.
Good luck!

I think two people can be in a situation and both perceive it very differently , there is a chance you’re very sensitive due to your last work place, which is what caused the excessive sobbing to the extent you had to leave the office.

for me, he was probably annoyed and grumpy, from what you’ve written, and so I’d focus on what this episode tells you. That maybe you need help in the form of therapy after your last job as it doesn’t appear like it warranted such a level of sobbing you had to leave.

i would go and style it out today. I’d not buy him a coffee, but just say other things going on and leave it there.

I think most people would be concerned for you witnessing your reaction, and I imagine the manager asked those who witnessed it what happened, so he knew if something had to be dealt with. I can see why you’d be embarrassed, but you need to put it behind you.

No I don’t think it suggests that at all.

My thoughts exactly. What they say doesn’t matter it’s what you say. U have saw that side of them, get back to work and hold your head up and know that everyone is not your friend. Try to make friends with other team members and don’t apologise.

@SisterImpera For building resilience, try journalling. Make brief notes on things that have been difficult, then go off and have a cuppa.
change location (important), maybe in the garden if possible. Go through your difficulties- decide if you can let them go, in which case cross them out and imagine them blowing away in the breeze.
or maybe you need a solution- try to think with ‘wise mind’ - using the best of your emotional mind and the best of your logical mind together.
or perhaps there is no solution. Be kind to yourself and make peace with these.

Don't say this either - keep it professional - explain nothing - just smile a little at those who make eye contact and get on with your work - no need to play the personal bad news card.

This is what I think too. This isn't about you. He was being a dick. You let him know he was being a dick by crying. Yes it's emotional but so what? We all get emotional and he was being a dick. Your manager then managed it poorly. Interesting these are all men. And interesting they went straight on the defensive. I wonder why that is? Hmm.

I don't think it has to be one of two extremes OP. He was over the top and you were extra sensitive, he was very unprofessional to deal with it as he did but having to leave the office in uncontrollable sobs was probably more than the expected reaction. Doesn't make his actions any less wrong. I would reply to the email stating that he was unprofessional but that you will put the issue behind you and work as usual as long as you are given a place to work which will allow you to get on with what you need to do without challenge. Raising his voice about this was ridiculous, bloody little men. Just rise above it.

Get on with your job and if he approaches you be civil.

I was in a new long term contract once where I was being trained (in my first week) and we were talking (just normal chit chat), one of the other colleagues (male lawyer) suddenly went off on one saying why were we talking and being really nasty. He apologised later but we were all shocked at such an outburst.

Don’t buy him a coffee. He didn’t need to be a dick about it, there is no reason why he couldn’t have politely said “oh these desks are assigned to my team, you shouldn’t be here.” Especially when he must have known you are new. Or even if it is such a large workplace that he didn’t know you are new, he knew that he has never asked you not to sit there before.

It’s likely that his actions weren’t so bad that they would have upset someone else. It’s just in your case, you’re particularly sensitive to co-workers actions due to your past experience.

You probably need therapy or something. It’s one thing to think “fuck this, I need a coffee” and take ten minutes for a break. It’s quite another to be so upset that you need to leave, and you miss a meeting.

Just wondering if your colleagues had already told your manager the story due to your absence in the meeting? It seems odd that your colleagues would have emailed your manager otherwise.

Why the fuck have you jumped from feeling like he was being a bully - I’m sure he was, to thinking of offering to buy him a coffee and apologising? Like hell would I do that.

I would write down a detailed account of what happened, go in tomorrow and carry on my work. If he does it again down the line it starts to look like a pattern of behaviour which is when your initial account will become very useful.

If it was such a non event, why had people emailed your boss before you? If others thought you’d overreacted and been overly emotional, you’d be the subject of today’s office chat - the emails suggest back covering.
Absolutely buy no coffee for that idiot.
Look him straight in the eye and speak to him with confidence and a degree of professional friendliness.
Yesterday when someone gave me something to eat I offered my husband half. His first reply was that he’d help me out. He needed a shake but I offered again. His second reply was that he’d manage it if I didn’t want it. Lucky me eh? No, lucky him but he still wasn’t getting it. I repeated my offer. His third reply was a grateful thank you so I gave him half my food.
I’d do the same with Desk Man. Go for repeats until you get what you want and are spoken to in a civil manner. Seek clarification. Be as stubborn as me. Don’t wobble or back down. Always, always smile. Enigmatic smiles give their owners confidence and power which you’re a bit low on atm.

You both didn't behave in the best ways, just try to keep calm and move on.