Feeling stuck in my boyfriend's family business.

[SassyOchreTurtle]

Hi everyone. I’ve been working for my boyfriend's family business for the past three years and I’m starting to feel completely burned out and unsure what to do.

It’s a small business and most of the time it’s just the two of us running everything. That means very long shifts, only one day off per week, and almost never having a full day off together as a couple. We also only get two weeks of holidays per year, which makes it hard to properly rest and reset.

For a long time we’ve been told by his father who is the owner of the shop that more staff would be hired “soon” and that the business would be for us (but last year his dad told me the ownership would be only for his son and that if I wanted a shared ownership I had to ask my boyfriend) but there is always a new reason why it doesn’t happen. Both my partner and I agree that the workload would be much more manageable with extra help, and this is something we have talked about many times.

My partner originally took on this business because he truly believed it would be our future and that all the sacrifice would be worth it for us as a couple. That’s also why I stayed and kept pushing through the difficult parts. But the promised improvements never seem to arrive, and the situation hasn’t really changed.
I have already spoken to him about how this is affecting me, and he understands and supports the idea of needing more balance. However, I sometimes feel that he is afraid of confronting his family about it, which leaves us stuck in the same cycle.

My salary is quite low for the number of hours and responsibility I have, and this situation is starting to affect both my mental and physical health. I feel exhausted, stuck and honestly a bit taken for granted.

The hardest part is that I’m afraid that if I leave the job, it will damage my relationship or put him in a very difficult position. At the same time, I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. I've been missing Christmas and family events because I have to work here because his family seems to avoid to hire staff (they have this same business in another town and they have staff, proper days off and a lot of holidays, but for us it seems there's no money to hire staff).

Am I being unreasonable for wanting to step away and find a job with a healthier work–life balance? Has anyone been in a similar situation working for their partner’s family business?
Any advice would really help.

Are you in the UK? Are you technically employed and on the payroll?

If so it sounds like they’re going against a lot of rules for employers!

Honestly, hand in your notice and work elsewhere. It isn’t going to get better and your boyfriend isn’t going to stand up for you, it’s up to you to change your situation.

YANBU at all. it sounds like you and your partner are being exploited, especially if they have other employees who do get treated properly. Are you actually receiving minimum wage, accounting for all the hours you do? Full time workers are entitled to 28 days paid holiday a year as well which you said you don't get. I don't have any experience in this myself but for your wellbeing please step away. Your partner must support that decision.

Yes you should definitely get another job. If it damages your relationship with your boyfriend that will show you that he cares more about keeping his dad sweet than protecting your health happiness and wellbeing (and his own).

His Dad is exploiting both of you. Your boyfriend believes he has a stake in the business, which means he will probably always be exploited and controlled by his dad.

It's been made clear to you that you can't count on having a stake. So you should be protecting yourself financially so get yourself a job with proper pay, working conditions, holidays , pension contributions etc.

That way if you and bf have a future together you may have some savings to set yourselves up together, and if you don't - well, you'll have some savings to set yourself up without him.

I'm based in Ireland. My boyfriend agrees with me when I'm constantly saying that this needs to be changed but his relationship with his father is really really bad and he avoids to talk because they always end up arguing. They have me on payroll as a part time worker when I do nearly 60 hours a week....

You’re nuts and being taken advantage of. Get another job.

Wow that's dreadful! And your boyfriend is OK with this?? Hes not putting you very high on his priorities is he?

Nuts I mean for working all that time and 1 day off a week.

I think his father is taking advantage. He could never employ someone else on the same hours and wage . Find something new .

I’d never depend on a boyfriend or his family for my income. Would seek a more stable and better job, if this meant moving away to somewhere with jobs would do so.

And another boyfriend.

This is insane.

No, he is not ok with this but I think he is afraid of confrontation or too much loyalty for his father. Unfortunately he struggles with certain mental health conditions that made him very vulnerable.

Thats a very tough situation OP. If a friend was in a similar one what would you advise?

It sounds as though your boyfriend is in thrall to his family who are exploiting the pair of you. He can’t get free because of family loyalty…. But if his family was loyal to him they would never make the asks on his time that they do.

You have to show him another way, and certainly find your way to a secure future for yourself even if no one else. They have shown you that they are willing to exploit you and they will continue to do so.

Extract yourself from the situation quickly, eliminate the illusion of dependence on his family, and maybe you will have the chance to create a secure future together. The family won’t like the loss of control (or cash!) so don’t engage with it on a personal level - they have already shown you they don’t care, for your own sake please believe them.

This is completely illegal. You do know that you can just leave, don't you?
Stop waiting for someone to fix this for you. You are responsible for your own life, no one else.
I'm afraid you are going to have to find the courage to confront the situation and get a new job. You should also leave the relationship, as it sounds like your boyfriend is unable to stand up to his father. This is unlikely to change,
Read your post back and then realise that you are choosing to stay in this situation, then do something about it.

I work in my DH's business. I get a full time salary for working 30 hours plus dividends, I get all my motoring expenses paid, and also get extra pension contributions paid.

You're being taken for an absolute mug here, I'm sorry to say. And shame on your BF for letting his family treat you like this while they get the profits of your labour. This is forever his future if you hang around.

You are being taken advantage of, definitely by your boyfriend's father, possibly by your boyfriend as well.

In any event, you should find another job and they will then be forced to replace you with another staff member or more than one person which is what is needed at the moment.

It will probably cost them more in the long run to replace you with two new people rather than get another staff member on board now. But that's not your problem.

Look after your own interests. They are not looking after your interests.

I hope your relationship with your boyfriend lasts, but if not then it's better to find out now than later after you've put in so much free work for their business.

You’re being taken advantage off. There’s so many reasons you need to leave. If you had different employers you would probably get more time and holidays together.

His father is treating you as the family bangmaid with his son getting to do the banging.

You can do better.

What’s your living situation? Could you tell them that you’re saving up to move to a bigger place/get a deposit/move in together or whatever? So you have found another job that pays more with good benefits and work/life balance?

they wouldn’t be able to argue with that.

and I suspect that once you’re out of there, you’ll find the strength to let your boyfriend know that you’re worth more than this and he either addresses the awful position he’s in or the relationship won’t continue.

That’s disgusting of them OP. Please have some respect for yourself and down tools immediately.

Get another job. And get another boyfriend if this one doesn’t support you.

Well, walk away, OP. You can’t control anyone else’s behaviour but your own. I mean, do you really want a wet lettuce who allows you to be exploited by his father in your life?

You're being taken for a mug by his father AND your boyfriend.

First thing is to start looking for another job, and then leaving the business.

Then you can have a "trial period" to see if your relationship with the boyfriend can survive your leaving and working elsewhere, but I suspect your relationship has no future either.

It sounds like you've been brainwashed.

Of course you aren’t unreasonable to get out of that situation. You’re being taken advantage of and you’re putting your own future at risk for a man who you are calling your boyfriend.

You aren’t his wife, and you’re acting like you are and that is really foolish. Unless there is a ring going on your finger and you’re an equal partner in the business - you shouldn’t be there at all.

You mention he has mental health issues which make him vulnerable, afraid of confrontation and easy to manipulate by the sounds of it. Are you his caretaker ? Is that what you want your life to be ? Because that sounds like hell.

Love becomes very one sided when greed takes over and money and family assets are involved.

They are using you. Please talk to a psychologist and work through why you are unable to establish healthy boundaries and situations for yourself. All the best.

Leave for your own preservation. It might force your then ex boyfriend and his father to face realities, which would be a bonus but you must come first.

Is it a farm or a pub ? Notoriously hard to pin an old Irish man down on these kinds of premises . Unless he turns over the business to his son , I think he needs to see about buying his father out of he wishes to continue. Does he pay the son reasonable wages ? And you as a girlfriend and not a wife have no control or say about anything. Would you work these hours for anyone else for these wages ? You both need something in writing or start out on something of your own .

It's an off licence. My boyfriend doesn't have any wages and his father was supposed to give him the ownership before Christmas...