Feeling stuck in my boyfriend's family business.

[SassyOchreTurtle]

Hi everyone. I’ve been working for my boyfriend's family business for the past three years and I’m starting to feel completely burned out and unsure what to do.

It’s a small business and most of the time it’s just the two of us running everything. That means very long shifts, only one day off per week, and almost never having a full day off together as a couple. We also only get two weeks of holidays per year, which makes it hard to properly rest and reset.

For a long time we’ve been told by his father who is the owner of the shop that more staff would be hired “soon” and that the business would be for us (but last year his dad told me the ownership would be only for his son and that if I wanted a shared ownership I had to ask my boyfriend) but there is always a new reason why it doesn’t happen. Both my partner and I agree that the workload would be much more manageable with extra help, and this is something we have talked about many times.

My partner originally took on this business because he truly believed it would be our future and that all the sacrifice would be worth it for us as a couple. That’s also why I stayed and kept pushing through the difficult parts. But the promised improvements never seem to arrive, and the situation hasn’t really changed.
I have already spoken to him about how this is affecting me, and he understands and supports the idea of needing more balance. However, I sometimes feel that he is afraid of confronting his family about it, which leaves us stuck in the same cycle.

My salary is quite low for the number of hours and responsibility I have, and this situation is starting to affect both my mental and physical health. I feel exhausted, stuck and honestly a bit taken for granted.

The hardest part is that I’m afraid that if I leave the job, it will damage my relationship or put him in a very difficult position. At the same time, I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. I've been missing Christmas and family events because I have to work here because his family seems to avoid to hire staff (they have this same business in another town and they have staff, proper days off and a lot of holidays, but for us it seems there's no money to hire staff).

Am I being unreasonable for wanting to step away and find a job with a healthier work–life balance? Has anyone been in a similar situation working for their partner’s family business?
Any advice would really help.

OP, I think you know what you need to do here.

@SassyOchreTurtle His Dad isn't going to hand over a profitable business while he is still young enough to enjoy the fruits of his slave labour. Your boyfriend will be run into the ground keeping it all afloat until his Dad passes away due to old age and even then, he might not even inherit anything worth having.

You and your boyfriend are mugs.

Write yourself a reference on letter headed paper confirming your full name, DOB and Nat Ins and that you have been employed at X from A to B on Y hours and a salary of Z per hour.

Then leave.

Any other job will pay better and for less hours.

And a good partner would not expect you to do what you've been doing for "family" unless you were married and had your name as a shareholder/director of the business.

Don't be a mug anymore.

Well this just gets worse!

OP look for a new job. Say that whoever owns it, father or son- they can employ a new staff member to take your shifts. Or perhaps two people.

Id do a cheery, “oh I just feel it’s better for us as a couple if we don’t put all our eggs in one basket.”

Tell your boyfriend that should he actually own the business at that point you may help out with shifts if he’s stuck and you can, but you won’t work for FIL anymore.

You have no skin in this game. The father has confirmed that your partner is the only one who will inherit, with you not being married, so no legal rights to anything. Your partner is putting his dad first and the dad is putting himself first. Time to look after your interests and get a new job. If your partner doesn't stay wit you, you know he was never that bothered to begin with. Go have a better life.

And when you tell your boyfriend to grow a pair, what does he say?

Come on OP, take control of your own life. No one else is going to change this situation for you, you have to do it.

Tell your boyfriend you’re leaving the business and he can either jump ship with you or stay on but either way he needs to be supportive of your choices.

Basically ANY job with a contract and agreed hours and wages will be better than running yourself into the ground.
Sod his dad. Get your cv updated and get job hunting!
You clearly have lots of experience working under pressure and with customers.
Could you go for a retail job with contract/pension/holidays/proper wages @SassyOchreTurtle ? Just to give yourself time to breathe?

You're being used.

What is your hourly rate?

We know a lady who worked at a local shop (part of a franchise chain) where the owner treated her badly, had to do every role in the shop, booking holidays was always awkward and had to give long notice, called in for shifts at short notice etc etc It was however good retail experience as she finally got fed up and jumped ship and is now working for M&S on proper work conditions/contract.

Suggest you do the same, you cannot live on promises cos it is never going to happen.

They pay me €454 a week

There is no future in this relationship.
Even if you left the business and got a great job elsewhere, that still leaves BF earning no money and being treated as a slave.
How can you build a future with a partner that has no money and no time, because he is never at home? That is no basis for a relationship

Unless his DF is very old and diagnosed with a serious illness, dump the BF as well as the job. There is just no future for you in any of this.

So your bf gets paid £0? How does he pay for anything?

You are treating yourself very badly here. Time to find a job where you are paid for your time and are treated with respect. Seriously this is well overdue. It might very well change your romantic relationship but something needs to change before you end up burned out and resentful. I think you are underestimating everything about this. You do actually have value but are being treated like a maid. WTAF?

This is awful. It’s like he is indentured. Some sort of modern day slavery. It’s no wonder he is vulnerable and has mental health issues. His father is a tyrant.

You both need to get away but you can only control what you do. He can only
save himself.

How viable is the business? This does sound abusive and that would mean your boyfriend will find it hard to see what’s happening and know how to respond

ideally you both agree to walk away and the moment one of you gets a job you both hand the keys in and run

Is that before or after tax? Are you paid per hour or salary?

Regardless, looking at my workers, one of my employees who worked 47 hours one week at minimum wage went home with €482. So you are certainly underpaid.

Do you have any type of contract with hours? We also have salaried employees but if they work more hours than contracted they get paid more.

Citizens advice is great for telling you your legal rights.

If you don't want to damage your relationship, maybe leave for a better job with more prospects or one that fits your qualifications more.

Nmw in Ireland is just over 14 euros an hour.

You're paid half that (based on your 60 hour a week estimate).

Its unlawful.

You're being treated like dirt.

It is viable to have a decent life. The problem is that all the profit goes to the parents. The father doesn't want to spend money to hire staff. My boyfriend's mother told me two years ago that since the beginning she wanted to put me and my boyfriend full time with proper wages and holidays etc but according to her "my husband doesn't want to do that!"
According to the father we can make perfectly 30k a week from now on which I think it's a fantasy because the town where this shop is has a few big supermarkets, off licences and Centra. It's been three years now and we're making half of it every week. I don't see how we can make 30k tbh.

After tax. And I'm getting now €454 because I talked to my mother in law to get a raised. Before that I was getting paid €300 and on the contract they put me part time working 21 hours when I'm doing more. The working hours are 11:00 to 22:00

So what are you going to do about it?

If I were you I'd start searching for another job. It sounds like you're working for less than min wage at times almost as a duty to his family?
But you're not married and the dad had claimed the business won't ever go to you. And bf is fine with that?

If you are simply an employee rather than a partner in the business there's no incentive for you to work there. And you have no control over how many staff (none) the owner is prepared to employ legitimately. They're using you for cheap labour it sounds like.

Would you really want to date someone who treats you that way?

OP - go get a new job! You don’t need to tell your father in law until you are resigning from his employment. You’ll have a better quality of life. You’ll have the freedom your own money gives. If your FIL kicks off tell him you wanted a more family friendly job with better hours, and goodness he can just pay someone else, it’s not like there’s a shortage of people looking for work in your area. Isn’t it nice he’s back to being just family and not your employer?

He might find his MH problems vanish if he stops letting his dad bully him. Mine did.
You need to step away immediately. Get another job which pays you properly for the hours you do. Tell his father: I've been working 60 hour weeks while paid part time for years. I can't justify this any more.

Encourage DP to stand up for himself too.

Agree with pp who said this is like modern slavery. You’re on half minimum wage, and you’re the only one being paid anything?! Does your boyfriend get money from his father off the books?

There are a few things in your writing that suggest English isn’t your first language. Is Ireland a foreign country for you? Do you have any friends or family who can help you get out of this situation?