Feeling stuck in my boyfriend's family business.

[SassyOchreTurtle]

Hi everyone. I’ve been working for my boyfriend's family business for the past three years and I’m starting to feel completely burned out and unsure what to do.

It’s a small business and most of the time it’s just the two of us running everything. That means very long shifts, only one day off per week, and almost never having a full day off together as a couple. We also only get two weeks of holidays per year, which makes it hard to properly rest and reset.

For a long time we’ve been told by his father who is the owner of the shop that more staff would be hired “soon” and that the business would be for us (but last year his dad told me the ownership would be only for his son and that if I wanted a shared ownership I had to ask my boyfriend) but there is always a new reason why it doesn’t happen. Both my partner and I agree that the workload would be much more manageable with extra help, and this is something we have talked about many times.

My partner originally took on this business because he truly believed it would be our future and that all the sacrifice would be worth it for us as a couple. That’s also why I stayed and kept pushing through the difficult parts. But the promised improvements never seem to arrive, and the situation hasn’t really changed.
I have already spoken to him about how this is affecting me, and he understands and supports the idea of needing more balance. However, I sometimes feel that he is afraid of confronting his family about it, which leaves us stuck in the same cycle.

My salary is quite low for the number of hours and responsibility I have, and this situation is starting to affect both my mental and physical health. I feel exhausted, stuck and honestly a bit taken for granted.

The hardest part is that I’m afraid that if I leave the job, it will damage my relationship or put him in a very difficult position. At the same time, I don’t know how much longer I can live like this. I've been missing Christmas and family events because I have to work here because his family seems to avoid to hire staff (they have this same business in another town and they have staff, proper days off and a lot of holidays, but for us it seems there's no money to hire staff).

Am I being unreasonable for wanting to step away and find a job with a healthier work–life balance? Has anyone been in a similar situation working for their partner’s family business?
Any advice would really help.

The Revenue would be very interested in these goings on, if he's treating you this badly he's probably fiddling the books in all aspects of his business.

You cannot save your boyfriend, despite his mental health issues. Put on your own life jacket and get out while you can. You only have one life.

Do you get accomodation? How long have you been with your boyfriend? How old are you?

Appreciate lots of questions but don't spend years of your youth (or any age) wasted working for someone else who doesn't care about your happiness.

What if you and your boyfriend broke up, what would happen to you?

No, my boyfriend gets an allowance because of his mental health issues...

I'm Spanish myself. My friends and family are all in Spain and I don't have the support of my bf family cause they think this is a normal way to run a business.

Yes, we actually live in a house in another town (we drive every single day to go to work). I'm 35 and I've been with my bf for the last 5 years.

I don't have the support of my bf family cause they think this is a normal way to run a business.

They dont. They've identified you as an easy target. They're just using you because they can.

Modern slavery probably, financial abuse definitely...

Do you mean a government allowance for his mental health? If so, that will be because he is deemed unfit for work and so he should not be getting exploited by his family working him into the ground. There is a risk that the State will pursue your boyfriend for welfare fraud.

If you don’t feel you can walk away from this ‘job’ and abusive family, you really need to ask yourself why and get some help. Try Citizen’s Information.

OP, this is an abusive set up. This may even be modern slavery, particularly as far as your boyfriend is concerned.
His mental health is not a reason for him to be getting an ‘allowance’ rather than a wage.
This is not normal, fair or healthy. You are both being taken advantage of and it needs to stop now.
I’m not sure what your financial or living situation is, but I would go speak to CAB asap. You need to stop doing this work for this pay, same for your boyfriend. You need putting on a proper employment contract, working time directive compliant (under 45 hrs per week) with proper paid holiday of 4 weeks per year plus bank holiday entitlement. If his parents will not agree to this, you need to walk away now.

Yes, disability allowance or something like this. Thanks for the advice :)

OP - even if this was a normal way to run a business (it is not), it’s ok for you to decide you want to get a different job.

This doesn’t work for you does it? So the only way you can have any power over the situation is to remove your labour from it. Start applying for other jobs. Once you’ve found something, resign to your FIL.

Encourage your DP to do the same. You and your DP know how to run the business so if FIL wanted to sign it over to you, you could quit your other jobs and run the off licence. But you know your FIL never will.

Start looking for a new job.

This is disgraceful , the father is taking advantage of both of you , especially awful if your bf is in receipt of disability benefits.

Sorry for quoting myself but I want to clarify.

They don't think its normal. You've told us that they treat their other staff properly.

They treating you this way because theyre horrible people.

Your boyfriend's father is exploiting you both, and the chance of him EVER handing the business over to your boyfriend is NIL.

What's employment law like in Ireland?

I'd also consider stepping away from your boyfriend - it sounds as if he is in thrall to his father and will never do anything to stop being exploited. He'll end up an old man, owning nothing and probably turfed out by whoever his father gives / leaves the business to.

GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN.

Terrible way to spend 5 years: don’t spend any more!

@SassyOchreTurtle- If you are still reading, just to say you getting a new job might be the best possible thing for your family. If FIL decides rather than gift your boyfriend the business, he’s going to sell it, you could bein a very vulnerable position. If you have your own job elsewhere, you can have at least that part of your family income under control. Right now, you work long hours rarely getting properly paid.

Spend some time looking what other jobs are available locally.

One thought as well, if spanish if your first language, it might be worth checking local secondary schools that teach Spanish. I’m not sure how it works in Ireland, but in England, if a school offers Spanish as one of the languages they teach, they often have roles for native speakers to be teacher assistants for the language department.

Thanks so much for the advice! I will have a look. I'm having a meeting next Thursday with the father but I think I'm gonna quit. I don't see him changing at all. He is too ambitious and an obsessed about money.