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Original poster

In trouble at work - what to do?

70 replies

neveragooddeed · 04/12/2025 18:05

NC for this.

I'm in trouble at work. For context, I'm a high achiever who goes above and beyond, has glowing appraisals, blah blah.

My colleague, let's call her Brenda, told me that she was being bullied by Roger. I was a shoulder to cry on until Brenda went to HR, who recommended she lodge a grievance against Roger.

Brenda then went on sick leave with stress and, while off, asked me to contact another colleague, Samantha, to say that, if she witnessed anything, Samantha could speak to HR in confidence. I did so, discreetly, without naming Roger. I am now facing formal disciplinary action from HR because I should not have spoken to Samantha.

Apart from stepping on HR's toes, which I have already apologised for, I don't really know what the offence is. I have no idea how to defend myself against this. What should I be doing?

I may as well also mention that I'm interviewing for a role at another company. If they ask for a reference and I have a disciplinary on my record, what will they be told? I will be well and truly fucked off if I lose this opportunity because I tried to help a vulnerable colleague. Never a good deed goes unpunished and all that.

Thanks for any advice or insights.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 04/12/2025 18:07

The first thing I would do is contact my union rep. Document everything.

PoppySaidYesIKnow · 04/12/2025 18:08

I don’t work in HR but fail to see what exactly you have done wrong. I’d be going into any meeting with someone else for support, and asking exactly what policy you have breached?

Cerezo · 04/12/2025 18:24

If it’s formal action it should include clear allegations as per ACAS so just sit tight until you have them

Original poster
neveragooddeed · 04/12/2025 18:27

endofthelinefinally · 04/12/2025 18:07

The first thing I would do is contact my union rep. Document everything.

Good call, thank you. I'm in a union but never seen our rep in all the years I've been there. Had forgotten they even existed. I'll track them down.

OP posts:
Original poster
neveragooddeed · 04/12/2025 18:32

Cerezo · 04/12/2025 18:24

If it’s formal action it should include clear allegations as per ACAS so just sit tight until you have them

I will look up what ACAS has to say about it. Thank you.

OP posts:
topcat2014 · 04/12/2025 18:32

Nothing good comes out of HR.

daisychain01 · 04/12/2025 21:17

asked me to contact another colleague, Samantha, to say that, if she witnessed anything, Samantha could speak to HR in confidence. I did so, discreetly, without naming Roger. I am now facing formal disciplinary action from HR because I should not have spoken to Samantha.

What do you mean by "if she witnessed anything Samantha could speak to HR in confidence" - why was Samantha involved? what did she witness? What did you actually say to Samantha and what did she do next?

it's all very confusing.

Hattieandcake · 04/12/2025 21:19

I see no basis for this to be a disciplinary issue anyone could tell Samantha or anyone else to go to HR if they witnessed dodgey behavior in the workplace ??? What are the allegations and which policy are they accusing you of breaching !?

medievalpenny · 04/12/2025 21:21

neveragooddeed · 04/12/2025 18:32

I will look up what ACAS has to say about it. Thank you.

Show quote history

You can phone acas and talk it through with them.

Thunderdcc · 04/12/2025 21:21

So did you go to Samantha and say hello, if you have ever witnessed anyone bullying Brenda please feel free to tell HR about it?

If so you have kind of compromised a witness, even without naming Roger - is that the problem?

shuffleofftobuffalo · 04/12/2025 21:24

I can see where they are coming from - it wasn’t appropriate for Brenda to ask you to speak to Samantha, and also wasn’t appropriate for you to do as Brenda asked.

However - they should be clear as to what the allegation is eg were you seen to be interfering in the grievance process, is it clearly documented you shouldn’t do that sort of thing (staff handbooks etc).

your employer has to give a factual reference so they could in theory mention the disciplinary. However in my experience employers generally go for a generic reference x worked here from x to x. Exception I’ve seen is a colleague who was dismissed for gross misconduct and his reference stated that.

Mangledrake · 04/12/2025 21:31

If you have so little sense of what HR are objecting to, how can you even trust that they have their facts right?

I can see how Brenda may have breached confidentiality if she'd started engaging with some process. I can see how HR may have suspected a case of bullying / mobbing / harassment / victimisation against Roger depending what he and Samantha told them. But not based on your account.

So you need to know from HR what exactly you are meant to have done and what policy it breached. If your union turns out to be useful, they may ask on your behalf. If not, you should ask HR for this information in writing so that you can take union or legal advice. Don't accept any disciplinary findings or measures meanwhile.

Where is your line manager in all this?

Yes, you should fight to keep any disciplinary off your record and to close any process for the sake of future references.

winter8090 · 04/12/2025 21:31

It’s not clear exactly what you said do Samantha and in what context.
But from what you did say I am
not clear what the potential disciplinary action could be based on.
Just telling someone they could speak to HR in confidence if they witnessed someone being bullied is not grounds for disciplinary action.

How did HR get wind of what you said to Samantha? If she told them I wonder how she presented it.
My response would be “Brenda told me she was suffering bullying at work and I did say to Samantha that if she had witnessed anything then she could talk to HR in confidence. The company would want to address bullying, right?”

Mangledrake · 04/12/2025 21:33

While I can imagine an employer wouldn't be delighted with this scenario, I have never seen a policy that would explicitly forbid it.

kiwiane · 04/12/2025 21:34

You don’t have to have a local union rep; contact the main office as they’ll provide support. Do not go into a meeting without them.

Fatiguedwithlife · 04/12/2025 21:49

Always remember that HR is there to protect the interests of the company. Not you.

Shedeboodinia · 04/12/2025 21:56

Just apologise and say you didn't know what it was about really and tou was just trying 5o be a good person.
I don't think you will be in much trouble. They will probably just explain to you that you need to stay out of this and not to get involved any further.
I can't see what they would be able to 'charge' you with. But I imagine they want to outline the rules if this whole brenda and the man thing is getting into a formal process.

YourFairCyanReader · 04/12/2025 22:07

If you've been told you're facing formal disciplinary action, you should have also been told why, what company policy you have breached, and what the possible outcomes are. Have they not sent you a letter along these lines? I wouldn't go into a meeting without having had this several days in advance.

If you do end up in a disciplinary, it can help to talk through your decision making at the time. It's all very well looking at it with hindsight and saying you should have acted differently. But,

  • your friend and colleague was distressed by treatment by another colleague and she needed support
  • you thought a good way to support her would be to listen, and signpost her to HR, which is what happened
  • Note the matter was so serious that colleague was too ill as a result to attend work
  • You expected HR would know you had been supporting colleague. You thought if there was any specific guidance for you to follow, they would have told you
  • you were asked to pass on a message to another person, from the person too poorly to be at work. You did this in good faith. You didn't accuse anyone of anything, breach any confidentiality, or otherwise obstruct the HR process to your knowledge
  • you were just trying to do the right thing
  • you were not aware this was not the right thing
  • this has all been quite a burden for you quite frankly, and you would like to be able to get on with your job as normal
Original poster
neveragooddeed · 04/12/2025 22:28

Thank you all, need to get to bed, I'll respond to questions in the morning.

OP posts:
Bungle2168 · 04/12/2025 23:19

HR tends to be populated by the kind of people who populated the students’ union at university. And that is not a compliment.

The department exists to protect the company from…its employees.

As others have said nothing good comes from going to HR.

Puskiesauce · 04/12/2025 23:29

Brenda categorically should not have asked you to do that, she would have been told not to discuss it with anyone.

I would be furious with her - good you have a union rep though.

Mangledrake · 04/12/2025 23:54

Puskiesauce · 04/12/2025 23:29

Brenda categorically should not have asked you to do that, she would have been told not to discuss it with anyone.

I would be furious with her - good you have a union rep though.

I agree - Brenda has probably breached policy here, and it may even be that OP is invited to interview as a witness in a disciplinary rather than an offender. Since communications aren't good, that's worth checking.

Teado · 05/12/2025 00:07

Talk to a rep tomorrow if you can. With as much detail as possible. Steer clear of Brenda for now.

daisychain01 · 05/12/2025 05:48

Puskiesauce · 04/12/2025 23:29

Brenda categorically should not have asked you to do that, she would have been told not to discuss it with anyone.

I would be furious with her - good you have a union rep though.

The OP is presumably an adult with their own mind. Just because Brenda told her to do something doesn't mean to say she had to do it,

but besides that, the OP needs to be really clear on their facts, and be able to describe with accuracy what actually happened. If it's done with the level of ambiguity as described in the OP they could face an undeserved disciplinary.

Original poster
neveragooddeed · 05/12/2025 06:28

YourFairCyanReader · 04/12/2025 22:07

If you've been told you're facing formal disciplinary action, you should have also been told why, what company policy you have breached, and what the possible outcomes are. Have they not sent you a letter along these lines? I wouldn't go into a meeting without having had this several days in advance.

If you do end up in a disciplinary, it can help to talk through your decision making at the time. It's all very well looking at it with hindsight and saying you should have acted differently. But,

  • your friend and colleague was distressed by treatment by another colleague and she needed support
  • you thought a good way to support her would be to listen, and signpost her to HR, which is what happened
  • Note the matter was so serious that colleague was too ill as a result to attend work
  • You expected HR would know you had been supporting colleague. You thought if there was any specific guidance for you to follow, they would have told you
  • you were asked to pass on a message to another person, from the person too poorly to be at work. You did this in good faith. You didn't accuse anyone of anything, breach any confidentiality, or otherwise obstruct the HR process to your knowledge
  • you were just trying to do the right thing
  • you were not aware this was not the right thing
  • this has all been quite a burden for you quite frankly, and you would like to be able to get on with your job as normal

This really does sum up what happened and my feelings about it. I'll structure an argument like that.

I haven't had a letter along those lines. I've had an email announcing an investigation manager. I guess that's a precursor. But I will make sure I get any allegation in writing.

Others have suggested looking at policy to see if there's one I've actually breached - I will ask HR that explicitly but I don't think there will be a detailed policy - our staff handbook doesn't have a lot of detail on anything.

OP posts: