Managing a compulsive ‘yes’ person

[Theweedygarden]

TLDR: A compulsive ‘yes’ female colleague has made one to many errors and now I need to manage her incredibly emotional, and slightly childish, response.

I line manage someone who manages a compulsive ‘yes’ woman (A). Anything anyone asks of A, she will do. The person I line manage has been off for several weeks now, and although I have always been aware of A’s issues it is now becoming ridiculous and impacting on business need and my time. Her inability to say ‘no’ means she is late actioning things for me and several times this week I have had to step in and tell her she is not to do something. She cannot manage other colleagues, including those more senior than her (which whilst uncomfortable is part of her job and she knew this when she applied for the role), and her desire to consistently say yes to them means we are actually failing to deliver priorities. She seems to rely on more senior people delivering tough messages that, when I was doing her role, I delivered with ease and others doing the same role can also deliver.

Her interactions with colleagues often go something along the lines of;

B: ‘Can you book this room for me?’
A: (more senior) ‘yes, of course. I’ll do it now.’
Me: ‘Absolutely not. It is B’s job to do this.’

C: ‘We can’t do this. X won’t be happy.’
A: ‘Of course I understand.’
Me: ‘Unfortunately, C it is not our problem if X is not happy - our job is to deliver these outcomes, if your contact is not happy with that it is your job to manage the fallout.’

D: ‘We can’t say this. It will upset them.’
A: ‘Of course. What would you suggest?’
Me: ‘The steer from above has been we are to say this, it does not matter if it upsets them. We gave advice on this, our advice was taken under consideration but the steer from above is that we must proceed. You will need to deliver this message directly to V.’

She seems to worry more about upsetting her contacts across the office than she does about doing a good job. It feels almost as though in her mind if they are upset, she can’t be doing a good job. But in reality it’s the opposite - her contacts across the office should be upset because it is their job to push for unreasonable things to keep their external contacts happy, and it is our job to manage them and prioritise ruthlessly.

Anyway, earlier this week I ended up giving her a first written warning and stated that if she did not improve that I would have to put her on a performance management plan. She’s clearly devastated. She’s been crying at work all week, bursting into tears on video calls etc. But she’s also barely spoken to me (leaving messages read but unanswered on our internal system), and yesterday she failed to action something on time and to a decent standard (I received it after COP and it was very poorly drafted, and I had to send it on to my seniors for 09;00 this morning).

I’ve put an hour in our diaries today and told her I want to talk. I need to address the crying, the poor work yesterday and ignoring me when I asked for things to be done.

I know what to say, but I’m a bit torn on how best to say it. I don’t think being gentle will be help, in part because I am not sure I can as she has made some significant errors in judgement recently that have impacted the business and also because she’s an adult and I don’t think I should coddle her because she’s upset. But I know that if I am too harsh she will probably just cry again and that won’t be conducive to delivering the messages she needs to hears. There’s a happy middle, I’m sure, I’m just not sure what it is.

Has anyone ever had a similar conversation with a colleague? And, if so, how did you handle it?

I would prioritise my concerns about things she is responsible for or covering for her manager on that are not getting done, errors, things she’s said to people or agreed to do that you think are unhelpful.

I’d express just the few, main ones and listen to what she has to say, and suggest she works on those things.

The rest I’d park for now.

I wouldn’t offer observations about why she might be behaving in certain ways. Your post includes armchair psychology about her and labels her.

God, it really sounds like you hate her. Are you aware of this? You're describing in these very totalising terms: this is who she is. Can you try to focus on, instead of how she's got this in your mind failure of a personality, one or two specific actions you need her to carry out differently? You mention that you did her job much better - I'm not sure this is helpful to say to her.

If you want to rescue this situation, which is part of your job it sounds like, and get her performing better, then my advice would be to make a list of a bunch of things she's doing well at and pick one thing you really need her to work on. And don't make that thing "be a completely different person". Can you instead think of it as your job to help her improve these outcomes, and work together with her on building the skills she needs to deliver this.

Get someone else in the meeting with you: do not do this 1:1. Talk it through with the other person how to approach it. Frankly it doesn’t sound like you have managed “performance management” well. I would be identifying areas where you think performance is not where it needs to be (factual with examples, only two) and then ask her to talk about how she sees it and what can be put in place to support her professional development needs. What are the barriers and challenges she is facing? Sounds like from her point of view this has come suddenly out of nowhere and she may be feeling attacked rather than supported by you. Think about what steps you should be taking to avoid being taken to tribunal for constructive dismissal.

If the crying has been multiple times I’d have concerns from a welfare perspective and suggest any employee assistance type services you have access to.

I felt like I was reading some weird American armchair thriller the way you are describing this colleague as ‘yes woman’. Also I am not clear why you are putting her on a PIP when you are not her direct line manager- is her line manager now back at work? What do they say about it? Honestly, it sounds like you are bullying her or could be seen to be bullying her. I would spend the hour listening rather than talking and then take it from there.

It sounds like you have knocked her whole being anf confidence. Who she is, is routed in pleasing people and you have told her that she isn't pleasing you. That's why she's so emotional.

Don't knock the person in the office who is lovely to all as it can make for a nicer work place.

Build her back up. Create a list of what she is responsible for. Give her the list to empower her to say no if something isn't on the list. Share it with the business. When you next ask B asking her to book a hotel room - see if she can push back - and equally you can ask B why they are asking that as it's not a task on her list which was shared.

Think about molding and guiding rather than changing.

It does sound as though you are asking her to change her entire personality. I think you need to angle this by stating the actions that need changing (e.g. more push back, identifying and focusing on priorities) rather than highlighting her personality/emotions (she can't change this and it'll feel like a personal attack).

I line manage someone who is the opposite of this. Also frequently distressed but limited, process driven, inflexible. I value her because she is completely different to me and it is a balance, but also, it's not better.

Good luck with telling a highly sensitive people pleaser that it's their personality that's wrong. She'll be off sick by the end of next week and it will end in a grievance, but sure.

This. Absolutely. And it is not your role to label her as anything. I feel your post says as much about your own mistakes in handling the situation as it does about her own issues at work, sorry.

You don't come across as a very supportive LM and have come down hard on someone who you are trying to get to be more confident/ assertive which may be a counterproductive approach.

Talk to her as though you like her, or at the very least lile you care and are interested in her as a person. Acknowledge you have upset her and that you want to support her development, not attack her.

Let her talk, ask her to explain what she thinks the concern is and try to establish if she is aware of the behaviour/ understands the problems it causes.

Separate your cencerns into 2 issues. 1 the 'yes' problem. Try to reframe this as taking on too much work/ time management/ spreading herself too thinly and focus on how she needs to take on less by becoming better at delegation and saying no to some things things so she can concentrate on the things that are her main tasks and do those well.

1. Difficult conversations- have some empathy, you know it isn't easy etc etc but highlight that delivering unpopular news is part of her role. Is there any training, on assertiveness for example, your company can offer? Offer to coach / mentor her (or find someone who can) so she can talk a difficult message through with before she delivers it. Build her up.

Agree with the other posters here that this is not the time to knock her when she’s down.

Ask her how you can help her achieve the goals. Make sure she knows that she has permission to stand up for herself to other managers. More criticism is going to eliminate her self confidence and people pleasers tend to have fragile self worth anyway.

Oh wow, your description of your workplace “people in the office should be upset” makes it sound like you work in a tough environment so maybe this is where you’re coming from.

Even so, the fact that you know what the issue is and yet chose to tackle this with a written warning rather than offering her some sort of support or coaching is quite gobsmacking.
Now you’re offended that she’s been upset all week and intend to haul her into the office for another dressing down.
You (and quite possibly your workplace) sound as if you have a very tough “no shits given” approach to working life and her personality does not gel with this.

I think you need to be very, very careful here because you could find yourself with some sort of unfair dismissal or bullying case at some point in the future.

Is there somebody more empathetic who can join you in the meeting op?
Show concern for her mental health, maybe suggest she takes a couple of days annual leave to reset then problem solve together about how she can push back on the scenario that she’s found herself in.

Which is, from her perspective, people in the office (including those senior to her) constantly take advantage of her good nature by asking her to do things that aren’t her job then management (instead of tackling this) gave her a written warning and are angry with her for being upset by the situation.

This is excellent advice.

OP, what you are doing so far sounds laser focused on knocking this woman down and you won’t get the best from her (or anyone like her) by doing this. People are different and operate in a professional environment differently and when issues arise there isn’t always a one size fits all solution.

You need to focus on supporting this woman who sounds like a decent person who doesn’t deserve to be made to cry at work.

Maybe the person you line manage is off because you’re a bully. It sounds like the person A needs some coaching about how to push back and prioritise before being given a written warning!

I’d tread carefully. This will end up in grievance and if she is a ‘yes’ person people probably like her.

@Dozer The person I manage has repeatedly had conversations with her about her constantly saying yes, including the implications it has on the business and other colleagues (which have been significant). All these are written up and agreed by both parties. They were considering this next step, but had to take emergency leave before they could. They would have been far better placed to handle this conservation - and I can admit that. I have seen copies of the write-up of their meetings with A. A admits she can’t say no, but it’s ’just her’ and has shown no inclination to work on it - despite knowing the impact it is having. She found the suggestion of using employee assistance to be ‘offensive’ and asked that it was never raised again.

I am not worried about a tribunal. We have months of documentation - as I said, my colleague was about to do this anyway with HRs approval. If HR are happy, then I am happy.

@Mumdiva99 thanks, that is possibly true that she’s upset she hasn’t pleased me!

Sadly, all her performance issues link back to this inability to say ‘no’. So whilst I recognise what you and others are saying, it’s not about ‘pushing back’ or ‘identifying priorities’ or ‘guiding her’ It’s that she knows what they are (and admits she does) but doesn’t want to say ‘no’ to people. She has even said ‘this is just me’ as though it is something to be accepted. At this point, if someone has admitted they know what they are doing is ‘wrong’ but won’t change because it’s ’just me’…what else can I do?

We operate with stakeholders across the world, many of whom have vastly different values and cultures. Our job is to handle that sensitively but in a way that makes clear our values and cultures and our red lines, for example, she recently agreed with one contact that no women would be in the meeting.

Unfortunately, you have probably created a vicious circle. Interjecting in her responses bluntly and micromanaging her tasks will have dented her confidence all round, making her more likely to hand in substandard work, where she is second guessing what you want or stressed about doing it right. She may now see you as a bully so I’d definitely not do anything 1:1 anymore.

This very much seems to be placing all the faults of this office on one person?

What discussions are being had with the people lumping their work on A? I'm assuming they also realise that it's not A's role and they shouldn't be asking in the first place?

I think this may be fake....you sound like you hate a woman who, although needs to be able to set better boundaries, is just trying to help everyone. Also, you're not her line manager, why on earth would you place her on PIP. Is the anger displaced, are you annoyed at yourself?

I work in HR, so witness a lot of incompetence and wrong doings...it helps to remember that everyone is human, you are replaceable and we will all die one day.

Are you not concerned about her mental health at this point? Bursting into tears at work all the time isn't good for anyone. There are ways of handling these conversations that aren't confrontational, and are compassionate.

What tools have you equipped her with? Have you spoken with your training or HR team to see if there are any courses they can provide or mentoring opportunities? Prioritisation, conflict resolution and setting expectations are skills that are not inherent to everyone. If she doesn’t have them then you need to provide adequate support to equip her with them. If that still doesn’t help then you can show that you have done what you can to improve her capability but if you haven’t then you are setting her up to fail by insisting that she use skills you know she doesn’t have.

First of all, it sounds like the completely wrong personality type has been recruited to this role.

Second, why aren’t you speaking to all of the people who are asking her to do things that are not within her remit?

Third, the office structure is wrong if admin staff are put in the uncomfortable position of having to constantly say no to people who are senior to them. They shouldn’t have to be making those sorts of decisions as it’s not within their pay grade.

Fourth, If they are having to do so, then there are either too few people to manage the overall volume of work, or the work structure and flow is wrong and needs clarifying to everyone.

Six, those jobs where you are fairly junior but potentially accountable to everyone in the office are hellish precisely because you are always in the wrong. She may be making the wrong decisions about priorities because the senior people, whom she sees every day, make her life hell in a hundred subtle ways if she doesn’t comply.

Fifth, have you considered she may be autistic? The only reason I mention this is that we had a member of staff who was a truly brilliant PA who anticipated needs, was detailed, focused, hard-working and extremely productive. But once her role changed and she had to work for more people, she was completely unable to prioritise. She also suffered from rejection sensitivity, which caused her to be over emotional if criticised. And that was not her fault, it was the way her brain was wired, so tread very carefully.

It sounds to me like you’ve gone from “not very happy” to “written warning” without much performance management or training in between.

I have to say I’d hate her job too. The word that made me shudder the most was “ruthless”. That’s what it all sounds like to me and not my style at all. I would struggle too. Not because I’m incompetent but because it’s not my style and I would need a lot more than “you need to be more ruthless” to help me develop the skills I’d need to get through this eg training, mentoring. Have you offered that?

You are not focusing on performance you are focusing on a personal characteristic and so this is not going to end well. It has grievance written all over it. Having all the documentation in place only protects you against an appeal for unfair dismissal on the grounds of not having followed due process. It won’t protect you against a grievance on the basis of harassment, bullying, discrimination or anything else that may be going on. Also I expect it’s not a coincidence that your direct report, her line manager, is off sick at the moment action is being taken. They don’t want anything to do with your vendetta against this dehumanised ‘yes woman’ and may be feeling steam rollered by you. I am not sure why you started this thread as you don’t seem to be here to follow the advice given but to justify your actions. You don’t need to justify what you have done to an on line forum. You are being given advice- take it or leave it.

her contacts across the office should be upset because it is their job to push for unreasonable things to keep their external contacts happy, and it is our job to manage them and prioritise ruthlessly

Sounds lovely, your workplace but surely that also contradicts what you have said here:

Our job is to handle that sensitively but in a way that makes clear our values and cultures and our red lines, for example, she recently agreed with one contact that no women would be in the meeting.

Sounds really confusing. On one hand ruthlessly prioritise your stakeholders even if it upsets people on the office but then on the other hand, when she does that, you complain. How about a culture where everyone in the office is treated with dignity and respect regardless of what the external stakeholders want or demand?

You need her on "your side". Rally her to believe in the tasks you need her to do, above all other demands, then give her clear tools to help her say no to others. Sympathise, "I know it's difficult when people are asking you for all sorts of things, and that it's difficult to say no. Here is a stock message you can send, directing them in the right direction".