Manager accidentally sent teams message about me to me

[Newyorklady]

My Manager accidently sent a message on teams about me to me. It wasn’t very nice either and factually incorrect.

I have messaged her to let her know I’ve seen it. She has apologised (eventually after trying to excuse it) for what she said, although trying to excuse it to being busy.
Id be mortified if I was her I now feel our relationship is damaged.
I am going to distance myself now as I can’t trust her.
What would you do ?
Im not the type to escalate anything as it never ends well but I feel it needs raising with her in a more formal setting.

I’d keep a detailed note of it. She knows what she did. If there’s a next time, you can use it if you have to. And I’d delete this post as well. Managers have MN too.

Something similar happened to me once. I replied so it was sent to everyone in the group email. Told my boss if he had anything to say, then say it to my face and I pointed out each inaccuracy in detail. Added at the bottom, if anyone had anything to say, then speak to me personally. I got a grovelling apology.

You send your self a copy to your email (personal) . It is in effect constructive dismissal. When you receive it print a couple of copies and keep safety. It depending what she said a case of slandering . You may in future require evidence at an employment tribunal or court . Don’t react or forward it to mates with any comments (they may not be really your friends or acting in your best interests)
advice keep evidence

This. I'd never trust her again. What a backstabber, and a hilariously incompetent one at that, sending you the message! 😅

See what else now transpires . Document it and keep a copy for yourself. See everything,hear everything. Say nothing
build yourself little case file for when you need it if you ever need do?

This thing will fester unless you do something. Personally, I would ask her to email all the recipients taking back her comment. But I would also flag it up with HR, and let her know you've done this.

1. Document Everything: Even if you don't plan to escalate now, keep records of the message, the apology, and your own notes. This will help protect you in case of future issues.

1. Boundaries & Distance: Your plan to emotionally distance yourself and reduce reliance on this manager is reasonable. Keep interactions professional and neutral.

1. Informal Conversation: If you feel comfortable, have a calm, private conversation with her to express how it made you feel and set expectations for future interactions. This can sometimes be more effective than formal complaints.

1. HR Consultation: Even if you don’t file a formal complaint, a confidential consultation with HR might be helpful. You can frame it as wanting advice, not a grievance.

1. Mental Check-in: Make sure this doesn’t take too much toll on your well-being. A therapist or coach can provide space to process this if needed.

1. Exit Strategy: Even if you're not leaving now, think ahead: update your CV, connect with your network, and explore options just in case.

1. "HR Consultation: Even if you don’t file a formal complaint, a confidential consultation with HR might be helpful. You can frame it as wanting advice, not a grievance.

This in spades.

OP, you don't need to escalate it or do anything further but I would take a print out of the email and show it to HR and say you absolutely do not want anything said but would like a file note made about what happened between you and your boss, confidentially so that if she were ever to make any further allegations about your performance, this would be on record.

Ask for a confidential consultation. Depending on how the session goes, you can leave the paperwork with them. They will have access to your emails anyway.

Personally I wouldn't let it slide. Say to HR it's a very minor thing but you feel undermined and that you can't be certain it's not happened before at other times.

She only apologised because she got caught out. If she has said this about you, what else is there is the question I’d be asking…….

I'd raise it with HR or, if you don't feel it's appropriate to do that, at the very least keep a log of these incidents - date, context who was there and how it made you feel. Could be invaluable down the line....

Honestly I have accidentally sent IMs at work to the person I have been talking about, once to my boss. Is the person they meant to send it to also a friend? If so, sometimes you just need to have a rant. If not, it sounds as if they are trying to discredit you, but as you have been there for 20 years and only have 8 years left, I don’t think you’re reputation can be tarnished. I have seen people I don’t get on with come and go and I’m still standing. Just make sure you write down any incidents and screenshot any messages to keep a log of unreasonable behaviour.

I agree she should apologise in front of everyone.

I actually addressed a work college issue this week on a group email as she abuses other staff, it’s bad enough getting abusive customers. I mention mental health people in the shop which includes her she has bad bipolar episodes and makes working there impossible and unsafe.

it can open a dialogue, just ask her to apologise on the group chat

I’d be more concerned to deal with whatever was said by your team mates.

Gosh, that's really minor, I can't imagine taking huge offense at being perceived as disorganised & not engaged. This is an opportunity to make sure she doesn't see you that way in future.

Based on you taking the time to post online about this it would suggest you maybe do react to things more than you should / mean to.

I definitely wouldn't be raising something like this with HR or a manager, it's a small world and people have long memories.

Really? For me, it would be about the lying. I would be wondering what else she had said about me that wasn't true and I feel it's pretty unprofessional to lie about your work colleagues.

I'd say that's a very mature and proactive repose to a situation.

You can't control what others do or say but you can control how you react.

You can request another 121. If she refuses then I would make HR aware of the situation and request they inform whoever else was involved in the communication.

Out of all the suggestions, I have seen so far, I think this one has the most merit, although I actually think you could take it one step further.
Assuming her manager to be a decent person, book a meeting with them, along with your manager and yourself, to discuss the message she wrote, how you see it as unprofessional, and explain your feelings over it and how you would like it dealt with (as in an apology). Sticking to the facts of the matter means that your manager is unable to argue or deny it happened, and discussing your subsequent feelings also mean that they are not something that can be dismissed. What you feel is what you feel. No one can tell you whether or not you ‘should’ feel that way. It is impossible for another person to tell you not to feel like that. All this is a straight forward, business-like and professional approach to take when there is a grievance caused by someone’s behaviour.
In that meeting you can take the opportunity to emphasise the fact that you are not interested is causing upset or disruption. Purely that you feel that your manager has acted in an unprofessional manner, making it something you want to see addressed properly, but still privately between the three of you. Also explain that your priority is to maintain overall continued team cohesion and performance, ensuring that, moving forward, you continue to foster a good working relationship built on trust and openness.
it doesn’t have to be a long meeting, 30 mins max I would have thought.

Good luck, and I hope things work out for you.

I’m in a similar position as u 8 years from retirement in a great job with one or two crap managers, most of them promoted to move them out of where they are a problem .. You did the right thing in letting her know. My instinct is she’s struggling in her role and using the inefficiency or made up inefficient work of others to prop up her position to more senior people. Either she’s genuinely crap at her job and knows it or has imposter syndrome and trying to cast herself in a good light, either way I feel you are safe and she’s less so. A good senior manger will have seen it all and take what she’s says about others with a pinch of salt or an eye roll, or even be monitoring her closely, hence her stress. Document everything privately and decide whether you let HR know now or in the future. She may leave before you!

I think it needs to be to taken up with HR. This is a very serious matter. It’s gross misconduct by a manager. Getting personal in a work setting is particularly bad management.

Something very similar happened to me.

I absolutely LOVED my job for four years. I had a male counterpart in another region that had the same role as me, but just worked with his own region. I thought he was terrible at his job and clients would complain about him to me and ask why he was doing so little and I was doing so much. They actually would ask me to give him pointers.

He was promoted and became my manager, and I went from loving that job to being absolutely miserable.

He continuously told me my results didn't matter. He was getting zero results and I was outshining him in every single campaign. It was so obvious. Clients continued to complain about him. He was both awful at his job and an awful manager.

Out of nowhere, he put me on a Performance Improvement Plan that was genuinely filled with lies. I had paper trails for every single thing on there proving they were wrong. He made me a nervous wreck about everything. He made it sound like "everyone" was complaining about me.

One day, he "accidentally" forwards me an email in which he was encouraging a coworker to badmouth me (as in, prying "feedback" from him.)

My manager wrote that, "She is trying too hard."

He put me on a PIP.

He said I would be fired if I didn't improve.

And then he "accidentally" forwards me an email saying I am trying too hard.

I was LIVID.

I responded and said, "Was I supposed to see this?"

My manager responded that it was nothing personal. (Funny, it seemed very personal to me.)

I went to HR and raised Hell and they didn't care.

I took the next job offer I got, and have now been there four years and have been promoted three times.

I make 3x what I was making at the old job.

Nobody has ever once told me here that my results don't matter. I am respected, appreciated and celebrated here.

Please get out of that job. You deserve better.

Either accept the apology and move forwards OR engage in outright war- involving HR and anyone else you care to get on your side- leaning into petty passive aggressive tactics if you can spare the time and energy.
I’d go for the latter option and be the bigger person.

Submit a subject access request and ask to see messages between the two managers above you... And also between your manager to anyone else that mentions you

I would report it none the less. I am like you usually not one to escalate things because I worry about the outcome. BUT be honest with yourself here, it needs to be reported to HR or whatever your companies internal process is. If the boot was on the other foot they wouldn’t do the same for you . You doing nothing just lets her get away with it and devalues you further. Fairs fair