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Original poster

Work situation ruining my life.

56 replies

Hyperfish808 · 19/01/2025 07:29

yes that’s dramatic but so true. Will try and keep short.

I work in a large public sector organisation where I have been for 10 years. I am experienced and well qualified. I am almost 60 and have over 30 years of previous related experience. I currently find myself in a horrible situation at work and don’t know where to turn.

My manager is awful horrible toxic bully. However I am struggling to find another job that pays the same and I can’t afford a wage reduction for family reasons. I’ve been in my organisation for 10 years and have been constantly passed over for promotion with no explanation while interesting roles are given to her mates. You question her and she bites back. Hard. It’s making me ill.

i am in a union but I know that raising a grievance rarely ends well in our organisation. The culture comes from above and HR are useless. So I’m stuck here. She knows I want out. I applied for a reduction in hours as 3 days a week better than 5.. My thought being I could draw a small pension I have from a previous job to make up the shortfall but she won’t let me. Some bullshit about business need and despite my company flexible working policy, it’s ultimately the manager’s decision. Truth is I honestly think she likes to keep me in my place and just wants me to leave.

I have no idea why she is like this to me. I work hard. What can I do? It’s destroying me. I’m ashamed that I can’t stand up to her as a mature experienced professional. But this is where it’s got me to. If I could fully retire I would but just can’t afford it.

Does anyone have any suggestions please?

OP posts:
Billybagpuss · 19/01/2025 07:33

Why can’t you take a lower paid job and top that up with the pension. If you were considering 3 days a week look for something that pays 75% of your currEnt salary

also start looking at your own finances. What can you do to cut outgoing can you downsize and release some equity to invest to cover the shortfall. It’s making you ill you need to consider all options.

savvy7 · 19/01/2025 07:36

Could you go locum/contract? Would help to know if you are NHS, government etc

LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 19/01/2025 07:37

I applied for a reduction in hours as 3 days a week better than 5.

If you can consider this you can take apay cut - i would look at taking a job elsewhere on lower pay - life is just too short.
Id also get signed off sick with stress etc if you have a good sickness policy because you owe them nothing. Use the time to double down on job hunting.

Original poster
Hyperfish808 · 19/01/2025 07:37

Higher education. In quite a specialist area so limited jobs.

thanks for replies. I am looking for jobs constantly.

OP posts:
LivingLaVidaBabyShower · 19/01/2025 07:38

What salary are you on - maybe you look at a different field /are?
100k job is a lot harder to find than 40-50k

Silvertulips · 19/01/2025 07:40

You need to start and diary and contact your union. Seriously if this is making you ill you have to speak up.

Others will see what she’s doing but can’t act as no one speaks up.

There maybe a few of you in the same situation.

Original poster
Hyperfish808 · 19/01/2025 07:44

I earn quite alot. Don’t really want to say. I have to pay for care for a relative and there are other complicated financials I don’t want to go into. I could take a lower paid job and top up with pension but truth is I need the time too. I want to work part time and part time on a lower salary won’t be enough. So I’m stuck.

It’s not going to get better at work is it? Leaving is my only option.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hyperfish808 · 19/01/2025 07:47

Silvertulips · 19/01/2025 07:40

You need to start and diary and contact your union. Seriously if this is making you ill you have to speak up.

Others will see what she’s doing but can’t act as no one speaks up.

There maybe a few of you in the same situation.

I have done that. She impacts others but they won’t speak up. Everyone says take a grievance but that’s so hard to do and very hard to prove. I know from others experiences.

Thanks for all the replies.

OP posts:
HappiestSleeping · 19/01/2025 07:48

This is going to sound trite, but she can't get your goat if she doesn't know where you tie it up. You cannot change what she does, but you can change how you respond to it. This is her problem, you don't need to make it yours.

I've worked for people like this, and the way I coped was turning it into sport. I made sure there was nothing wrong with my work in terms of quality of output. After that, any criticism aimed at me was met with requests for specific examples. There were never any, so I dismissed them right there and then. That sort of thing.

myplace · 19/01/2025 07:51

Can you go sick with stress? What’s your policy?

tribpot · 19/01/2025 07:53

How long has this person been your manager? I would assume that at some point she will be moving onwards and - sadly - upwards, as this sort always tend to do.

Have you 'quiet quit'? It sounds like no, if you're challenging her and then getting punished for it. That would be my first suggestion - don't go above and beyond, stay out of her way as much as possible, document what you can. Sympathies - it sounds utterly depressing and futile.

NC10125 · 19/01/2025 07:54

Is there any way to move sideways in your organisation at the same level or just a slight step down? Purely in order to be out from under this manager?

Or, if she’s eg ceo is there a way to move to a different location? So still working for her but not as visible?

Id also second pp about getting signed off for stress to give you some breathing room.

GrazeConcern · 19/01/2025 07:57

I knew it would be HE, they’re the worst apologists for toxic behaviour. I watched as one total unprofessional narc got promoted way above their station.

My advice would be to get the Teflon coat on and decide just not to give a fuck about her ‘take the salary and smile’. Keep logging it on the side, maybe blog it anonomously for revenge. Or, look for something else and work out how to beat a pay cut, but I’ve always gone for Teflon and kept the money in these situation until it suited me to move and not them.

CautiousLurker01 · 19/01/2025 07:58

This sounds like a constructive dismissal situation? If you are constantly being passed over for promotions without explanation, then you need to sit down with HR - and, yes, I would speak to your Union about this in tandem as this should be their area of expertise.

Original poster
Hyperfish808 · 19/01/2025 08:00

Thanks. Sick leave is an option and one I’m considering. I also try really hard to avoid her, keep my head down etc. it’s depressing to be in the last stage if my working life in such a horrible situation. I definitely feel I can’t continue like this.

Isnt it awful that such people exist and want to cause harm to others just because they can? How can she live with herself?

OP posts:
boocurl · 19/01/2025 08:01

Sorry to hear you’re going through this.

Have you requested part time formally? It’s classed as a flexible working request so they have to give you and explanation in writing.

You can then appeal decisions and take to tribunal if your request was reasonable and their decision was not.

Original poster
Hyperfish808 · 19/01/2025 08:05

GrazeConcern · 19/01/2025 07:57

I knew it would be HE, they’re the worst apologists for toxic behaviour. I watched as one total unprofessional narc got promoted way above their station.

My advice would be to get the Teflon coat on and decide just not to give a fuck about her ‘take the salary and smile’. Keep logging it on the side, maybe blog it anonomously for revenge. Or, look for something else and work out how to beat a pay cut, but I’ve always gone for Teflon and kept the money in these situation until it suited me to move and not them.

Yes. HE is the actual worst. Full of people promoted to power without the people skills to manage.

i like the idea of a Teflon coat. Maybe continuing to draw my not insubstantial salary and not caring might have to be an option. She’d love me to leave. Staying might be best revenge. Leave on my own terms. If I can bear it.

OP posts:
ChiliFiend · 19/01/2025 08:06

If your organisation is large, would you be able to move within it to another department with another line manager? Maybe with the help of HR, or even with your line manager's assistance if you frame it as wanting to try something different etc. - if she dislikes you she may see that as a win and try to make it happen?

Original poster
Hyperfish808 · 19/01/2025 08:07

@boocurl I did request formally and the answer was to do with operational need. Only grounds for appeal seem to be that the policy hadn’t been followed. I will look into it again. Thank you.

OP posts:
sortaottery · 19/01/2025 08:08

I'm sorry about the horrible time you're having. HE in general seems more prone to generate this kind of situation as the financial squeeze makes nasty people even nastier.

If you aren't doing it already, write down every unacceptable thing she does.

Also, some people here will be more up on working regulations than me and may say 'Nooo! Don't do it!' -- but in your position, I'd see if I could secretly record her bullying behaviour so you have evidence that can't be dismissed with 'well, x says that y isn't very nice'.

Good luck and keep us posted. I'm sure everyone in the thread is rooting for you.

Roseeverything · 19/01/2025 08:11

Do you know if anyone else on team is part time? You could ring your HR caseworker team and talk it through with them if you haven't . I think if others on team are part time it could be deemed as discrimination if they won't let you & I think a HRCW would agree with that.

I know you said you didn't want to get a union involved but I'd also ring them for advice if you haven't

Butterflystar76 · 19/01/2025 08:14

I think there is something coming in regarding employment rights bill and entitlement to flex working which might be worth looking at.

Berga · 19/01/2025 08:14

I also knew it would be HE. There is some shocking behaviour that goes unchecked and I would love to say that seeing people reduced to tears in meetings wasn't a regular occurrence. Along with the gaslighting.

I agree with PP who say you need to find a way to just let it slide off you whilst you find something else. Concentrate on what you enjoy at work. Leave her to bask in her own importance and assholery, you don't need to participate in that.

boocurl · 19/01/2025 08:17

Hyperfish808 · 19/01/2025 08:07

@boocurl I did request formally and the answer was to do with operational need. Only grounds for appeal seem to be that the policy hadn’t been followed. I will look into it again. Thank you.

It’s worth checking what @Roseeverything has said regarding finding out if other people are already part time as an additional part of your case but that shouldn’t stop you from being able to go part time either way it’s just an additional argument for it.

I would also check Citizens Advice - I’m not in a higher education setting so don’t know the ins and outs of policy but the gov website shows what reasons they can give to refuse so I’d check if it matches: https://www.gov.uk/flexible-working

Hope it all works out for you!

Flexible working

Requesting flexible working, how to make an application, what business reasons an employer can give to reject an application and how to appeal.

https://www.gov.uk/flexible-working

Chrysanthemum5 · 19/01/2025 08:19

I also knew it would be HE especially when you said HR and the union were both useless. It is such a toxic environment in HE.

I am in a similar situation and the thing I'm doing is networking. I've identified an area that is less toxic and spoken to the head of that area to explore ways in which I could get a secondment set up to move there. That saves face for my current area but lets me have hope!

The other thing I've done is cut back all the citizenship I did for my current area. All the extra things I took on because I'm collegial - they have all been dropped. If they treat me like rubbish then I'm not putting myself out for them.