Work situation ruining my life.

[Hyperfish808]

yes that’s dramatic but so true. Will try and keep short.

I work in a large public sector organisation where I have been for 10 years. I am experienced and well qualified. I am almost 60 and have over 30 years of previous related experience. I currently find myself in a horrible situation at work and don’t know where to turn.

My manager is awful horrible toxic bully. However I am struggling to find another job that pays the same and I can’t afford a wage reduction for family reasons. I’ve been in my organisation for 10 years and have been constantly passed over for promotion with no explanation while interesting roles are given to her mates. You question her and she bites back. Hard. It’s making me ill.

i am in a union but I know that raising a grievance rarely ends well in our organisation. The culture comes from above and HR are useless. So I’m stuck here. She knows I want out. I applied for a reduction in hours as 3 days a week better than 5.. My thought being I could draw a small pension I have from a previous job to make up the shortfall but she won’t let me. Some bullshit about business need and despite my company flexible working policy, it’s ultimately the manager’s decision. Truth is I honestly think she likes to keep me in my place and just wants me to leave.

I have no idea why she is like this to me. I work hard. What can I do? It’s destroying me. I’m ashamed that I can’t stand up to her as a mature experienced professional. But this is where it’s got me to. If I could fully retire I would but just can’t afford it.

Does anyone have any suggestions please?

Do you have a policy around carers ? I work in a L A and we have a policy around people who are caring for relatives ( not child care) having the right to request flexible working/ temp reduction in hours and an expectation that this will be agreed. Worth a try?
Hope you get it resolved- good luck

Another one who knew it would be HE. I used to work in a non-academic role and was also on the union exec and saw and heard about lots of this sort of toxic behaviour.

Please speak to your union. Speaking to them isn't the same as starting a grievance- they may have some helpful advice and it's a way of getting it off your chest.

Could you go 2.5 days? Then they could employ someone else for the 2.5 - HR often used to say that it was easier to get some for 2.5 than for 2. (Don't know if that's true).

Keep a look out for other jobs obviously. Does your institution have an external wellbeing service?
Make use of that, if so, sounds like you have a lot on with this manager and caring responsibilities etc.

OP, I can appreciate you not wanting to go into the specifics. I am just wondering why you have to pay for the care of a relative, especially when it comes at the expense of your own well being? You need to look after yourself or you will be the one needing care soon.

I am also wondering if two part-time jobs and tutoring on the side might be an option. If you reduce as many expenses as possible you could likely get by with earning less.

You have all my empathy. Am in a similar situation though a bit younger.
What I'm doing to get through it:

• Talking to HR (so it's logged, not because I expect them to do anything meaningful)
• Counselling (through work) - so good to offload and talk it through
• sharing with colleagues I trust
• doing my best to focus on small wins not the more painful stuff
• meditation, exercise and hobbies outside work
• reminding myself that this too shall pass

Good luck with everything. These toxic bullies are a nightmare, but they don't have to define your life

If you took sick leave you could ask do an Occ Health referral, ask to come back on a phased return and even better ask to return part time.

I do agree Teflon coat.

Perhaps you need to reconsider why you are paying for relatives care. Have you been fobbed off by the system, reluctant to let them move now to a place that would be fully funded. Be careful that the financial burden doesn't end up taking you to the grave before them.

Do you need them to go back through the assessment process and you stand back and say you can’t care or provide for them anymore to get the funded provision they actually need?

The financials are what they are. It’s hard to explain without outing myself. Everything is as it should by system wise.

Thanks for all the replies. Lots to think about. Actually going via the caters route might be an option. We have a carers policy. I will speak to HR again.

I work in HE. It’s toxic and hard to get bullies out. However HE is terrified of being accused of discrimination so if you go to occupational health and claim you need reduced days they might offer it to you. That’s how I dropped a day

Yes, unfortunately I agree I with this.

I sympathise with you, OP, I really do. I'm in a situation where I dislike (oftentimes actively hate) my job and the changes that have occurred within my company but I'm stuck for financial/logistical reasons. I cope with it by keeping an eye out for that unicorn job, reminding myself why I'm still here (the bigger picture) and that there's an end date to my predicament. I'm blessed with some lovely colleagues to laugh with.

Do not go off sick. Any future employer could ask for the number of sick days you have had and could end up withdrawing an offer.

I’ve been through similar (NHS). My advice is to keep a log of events including names of people who are present. If you can confide in someone you can trust in at work for support. I found that made things so much more bearable. Go to HR, even if only for an informal discussion on the matter. It’s what I did. Make sure you are a member of the union. Document everything and keep copies of emails as evidence.

In my case my ‘manager’ (if you can call her that) decided she needed to do a restructure, I was told I wasn’t suitable for my newly named role and they found suitable alternative employment in another team. She did me a huge favour because I felt completely trapped and was a mess by the time I left her team.

OP - PLEASE READ.

Please do not leave - that’s what she wants. What you want is redundancy & pay off for your tenure. That is now your total focus & only goal.

To cope, use your not inconsequential salary to get CBT or other coaching / counselling that will allow you to reframe the situation and cope with it.

withdraw any emotional investment in the role and just see it as tasks.

focus ALL your energy (esp mental energy) on life outside of work - and making it amazing. Meeting friends, doing pottery classes - whatever. That’s your real life.

The only way you walk away from those bastards is with a redundancy cheque in your hand.

Surely a grievance for bullying is the way forward, yes your right it’s difficult to win, but at my place HR would then redeploy you

Thanks everyone. You have no idea how even writing it down and have people offer solutions has made me feel more positive. Thank you. Lots to consider.

plus my advice to anyone considering a job in HE…don’t! It’s the worst job I have ever had.

Sympathies OP. That scenario can be soul-destroying. I would really recommend having a look at consultancy/interim HE management. If you're at the career stage you are, you'd be really surprised what's out there for experienced people. I did it for a few years and only stopped recently as my latest contract offered me a permanent post. The salary/perks are much better, and you are able to take breaks between contracts as you choose. The downside is that you go where the work is, which may be logistically challenging depending on where you are based usually and if you have caring commitments. If you want, DM me and I can give you some key contacts (promise I'm not an agent!).

Do you care for someone ..if you notify work that you are a carer you have more rights to part time work also if u are a parent ..also quiet
quitting is also an option ..

That's not true, they should deal with flexible working requests on a first come first served basis. Just because they allow x and z to go part time, they do not need to then let y go part time later.

If you have a disability you can apply for reasonable adjustments, which is different.

Could you do compressed hours even if just a 9 day fortnight might make it more bearable, and request on the grounds that you are a carer (if you’re paying for care for a relative you are probably doing other admin etc - does that person get benefits eg attendance allowance if elderly and meets criteria, if not maybe you could then pay les??)
or will there be voluntary redundancy package available soon , lots of unis running them atm

Is the person you care for getting all the benefits that they are entitled to? You shouldn't be leaving yourself short to pay for them.

Lots of unis are offering voluntary redundancy schemes and often it is useful people in important roles who apply and get accepted. Yes, it doesn’t make sense, targeted redundancies with good business case would make more sense but it’s not quick to close a loss making department as people are up in arms about the loss of the offer of that degree subject. So it’s quicker and easier and less publicity to just lose the volunteers.

Also unis sometimes run schemes where you can get redundancy if someone who is in a redundant role can do/get your job and you get their redundancy. They have an urgent need to balance the books, especially with the NI increase.

So there isn’t‘something in the water’ affecting those of us suggesting this, hanging on and hoping a redundancy option opens up is sadly quite a realistic option in today’s HE sector.

@JoyousPinkPeer that's something HR has advised me regarding a staff member , I work in the civil service, so I'm just going off what I've recently been told. I understand your point completely though, that's what i thought before.
May be different in ops case though but maybe something to discuss with HR and unions still