What sort of leave? sick leave, unpaid leave or doing the decent thing and resign

[needavice888]

DS needs currently a lot of help due to MH crisis. I manage work with WFH and going to the office some days (my work can in theory be done fully remote). His MH declined and he is now suicidal and I have to provide 24/7 suicide watch. DS is allowed back some hours into school but that is part time only and I need to take him to reception and collect from there to ensure seamless supervision (secondary school). I am not coping at all with any of it. No idea long this will go on for. could be over in a few weeks, My stress levels are through the roof, I don't sleep, I cannot eat, I cannot focus.

I really dont feel able I can work. Would it be unreasonable to get signed off (been at my workplace for many years and haven't had a sick day in years) or should I ask for unpaid leave given I am not ill (though I cannot really afford it - hence the idea of going off sick,). My friend said I should do the decent thing and resign if I cannot effectively work and dont know when things will improve.

I am not thinking clear and I am one of those who never take time off and always soldier on. So could do with some advice.

@ElaborateCushion and when 3 of them are off for one reason or another? And then another two and four more desperately need holiday and reduced working hours as they are burned out? And you don’t know week to week if the first five are coming back and half a year later you’re still covering?

because that is how it’s getting in some workplaces; it is very tough.

what an unpleasant reaction . I was the mug who did 60 to 70 hours a week to help out my team members for donkeys years.

Enough of that for me. I won’t do it any more.

And I won’t help someone else out in a tough spot if it’s at the expense of me.

We have strong laws in the country - OP absolutely knows she can go to the GP in her situation and get signed off. GP will always say yes, she is in a dire situation. The thread is pretty pointless as it’s not about “the decent thing”. It’s about the law, which is clear in what she entitled to. Precisely why the law was written I suppose.

@needavice888 when I worked for the NHS, I asked for unpaid leave to take care of my mother. Initially, it was approved, but when HR found out they instructed my manager to put me on sick leave because it was more appropriate. You should not feel guilty about getting signed off sick.

Go off sick first. See what parental leave is available. I don't think you should have to go on unpaid leave or leave work, although it might be better for your mental health. If you are on paid leave, will you always be thinking, "I should get back to work soon", will you feel like you have to keep asking yourself "could I manage some work?" Will that stress you out?

I would go to gp and explain how much stress you are under & get signed off. This will take some of the mental load off.

I cant imagine the absolute stress of your situation I hope your son gets the help he needs.

As for your friend she sounds heartless.

As an employment law expert, I agree re legal protections. I continue to disagree with your explanation of the different types of leave.

As a human, and a functioning member of a society much broader than myself, I disagree completely about your utter lack of compassion.

Steer an NHS Trust through a worldwide pandemic and come back to me about helping people in tough spots. I hope your children find the compassion you lack elsewhere in their lives.

I think the right approach is to not give more than we physically and mentally can.
But that doesn't mean others should be prevented from getting the breaks they need
In times of staff shortages, for whatever reason, employers need to make difficult decisions about what is dropped, not ask their staff to break themselves

It might also be known as compassionate leave. Some companies offer paid leave although they don’t have to (we do). It’s not just for bereavements or funerals, it might be used for things like emergencies relating to dependants, caring responsibilities. Worth checking if your employers has this.

Have you used up all 4 weeks of the unpaid parental leave you are entitled to by law each year? Sorry to double check as you did said you’ve used your unpaid parental leave but it wasn’t clear if you were referring to your statutory entitlement or an employer’s allowance.

It’s moot though. My advice is still to go off sick. If an employee came to me with this at work that’s what I’d tell them too. Your mental health is important too, it doesn’t matter if your stress is work or non work related, it has the same impact on your health x

How much parental leave have you taken this year, and holidays?

when I read what your friend said I was horrified and thought what a bitch, but I’m now wondering if there is a bigger picture with your other child and your ability to do the role.

on saying that, id not resign, but i would take some sick leave for stress, and then consider it again.

Sorry to hear OP.
We were on this position though not quite as bad. DD took a couple of ODs over a few months and we were with crisis teams and it was a horrible time.
Like you, I soldiered on working from home. Never took a sick day unless to be by her bedside at hospital.
It got too much and I went to the GP who said I should take a few weeks off and gave me anti depressants on the spot.
I wasn't ready to take the AD to be honest after seeing my daughter' journey on it.
I thought of quitting and then decided to drop days at work.
My manager was supportive and they have allowed me to drop 2 days for a year or two.
I know this is a financial loss to me but it really helped me at the time I needed it the most.
Things are a bit better but we are still very cautious with DD and whilst I could add an extra day I somehow prefer the buffer.
In your case I wouldn't hesitate to be signed off work. You should be eligible for some paid and parental leave.
Hope you find some help.
Big hugs.
It will get better.
Xx

If an employee came to me with these circumstances I would offer compassionate leave for a few days but I would also expect the employee to offer up some longer term solution so it wouldn't become a long term problem for you. Are you able to offer to drop your hours in the medium term and/or move to a flexible working day so that your employer can be reassured that you are performing but also you don't have to worry about getting behind?
Your DC come first, but there has to be a middle ground where you don't need to give up your job or lose your sanity: do you have any support at all? Family or neighbours or your DS father? Can you give yourself a short period of respite every day for a walk or a YouTube exercise session: it sounds flippant but you need a plan to take care of yourself first.
Take a few days now, whether sick leave or compassionate leave, but make a sustainable plan to move forward, for your own best interest.

Oh I wouldn't know where to begin to make a sustainable plan given that i provide 24/7 suicide watch and have no idea how long the situation will continue for. Camhs and SS seem to put the onus on me to keep DC safe. we are not accessing currently any real support and no therapy. but hopefully soon. I already only work part time and cannot reduce hours further. No other support network. I have no idea what sort of longer term solution I could possibly offer to my employer :(

Resign from you friendship with that bitch!

I think you are certainly too stressed for work and would be genuine if you were to be off sick.

When my DS was diagnosed with a life long illness my doctor signed me off sick whilst we came to terms and learnt how to manage it.

Oh, I get that, totally. I very much live in a land of "hopefully that will never happen" for us, but I get that if it does it becomes very difficult.

I would be very much torn between business needs and, ultimately, staff welfare and wellbeing. I wouldn't want to have to try and force someone to work if they weren't up to it - that's no good for anyone.

Have camhs told you when your meant to sleep if it's 24/7 watch?

I'd be raising a complaint