What sort of leave? sick leave, unpaid leave or doing the decent thing and resign

[needavice888]

DS needs currently a lot of help due to MH crisis. I manage work with WFH and going to the office some days (my work can in theory be done fully remote). His MH declined and he is now suicidal and I have to provide 24/7 suicide watch. DS is allowed back some hours into school but that is part time only and I need to take him to reception and collect from there to ensure seamless supervision (secondary school). I am not coping at all with any of it. No idea long this will go on for. could be over in a few weeks, My stress levels are through the roof, I don't sleep, I cannot eat, I cannot focus.

I really dont feel able I can work. Would it be unreasonable to get signed off (been at my workplace for many years and haven't had a sick day in years) or should I ask for unpaid leave given I am not ill (though I cannot really afford it - hence the idea of going off sick,). My friend said I should do the decent thing and resign if I cannot effectively work and dont know when things will improve.

I am not thinking clear and I am one of those who never take time off and always soldier on. So could do with some advice.

I'm so sorry about your son, it's very hard, lonely and not a lot of people understand.

Talk to your work, after my son's suicide attempt my manager was amazing. She advised me to go GP and occ. health and get signed off work.

My GP listended and signed off me and prescribed medications as at the time I was super anxious and not sleeping.

Please talk to your work and take sick leave. It's exhausting caring for someone with suicidal idealation - you are on constant alert and your mind never shuts off.

There's are some amazing websites out there that can offer great support: I found Parenting Mental Health helped me.

Your not alone, ignore your friend as she doesn't understand. You're doing an amazing job and you've got this. Xx

I now back at work on reduced hours to get the right balance.

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this. Of course you should be signed off - you're clearly not well enough to be working at the moment -; please see your GP asap. As for your " friend" ? With friends like that who needs enemies
Wishing you and your family all the best 🤞

I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

Ignore your "friend", she's talking crap.

Under the circumstances, I think it would be perfectly reasonable to get signed off sick. Or if you prefer, you could request parental leave, which would probably be unpaid.

If your employer is decent, talk to them. They may be willing to give you some paid time off as special leave/compassionate leave/carers leave or similar.

As a manager, I would absolutely grant some paid leave in your situation, and I would encourage you to go and see your GP to get yourself signed off for longer if required. I definitely would not want to lose a good member of staff because of a personal crisis and I would be horrified if they felt that they needed to resign just because of that.

HR here. You get signed off, of course.

Ignore your so called friend.

Speak to the GP & get signed off and allow some breathing time for you.

Speak to your work - hopefully you have a supportive manager. Having been in a similar suituation- I asked work to give me space, understood that I may need to be unavailable for meetings till after 10 & we found a balance that worked for all.

This is what sick leave is for! Get yourself signed off, you're clearly not fit to be working, which is understandable.
Resigning would be silly, you don't need the added stress of not having a job x

Well that was crappy advice to resign!

Sorry to hear what you are going through.

As you said, you don't know how long this will go on. I would initially get signed off. Does your company give you so long full pay before dropping down to SSP? This will initially give you a bit of breathing space and time to think about what to do going forward, but don't make any rash decisions.

Also, does your employer have like an Employee Assistance Programme (EAP). Most larger companies do and they have 24hr help lines and can get you speaking with Dr's and counsellors - it is a really good tool that a lot of people don't take advantage of.

Also, does you boss know what you are going through? You said you have been with the company a long time, is it a person you could speak to, they may offer an alternative solution, reduced hour WFH, reduced workload, etc.

You get signed off.

Your are sick. You are suffering exhaustion which doesn't allow you to do your job. Probably stress and anxiety as well.

It doesn't matter what's caused that. It's how you are affected that counts.

Dump the friend and get yourself signed off work.

You need it as it seems you can function correctly anymore. You are going to wreck your body and mind if you can't sleep, eat or think properly so you need to slow down and be able to focus only on your son, not work right now.

did your friend go for a big shit and accidentally left her empathy in the toilet? She is no friend!

Get signed off. You’re stressed and unwell as well.

Mumsnet is a lifeline when people have awful so called friends.
OP I have no useful advice but I hope once you have had a breathing space things look a bit more manageable.

Don't resign!
Does your work have paid compassionate leave? They may give you some exceptional leave to cover this situation? But in honesty just go to the GP and you can get a fit note for stress as the situation is stressful.

What horrible thing to go through xx please seek help from a GP and try and get signed off.

I cannot fathom how resigning would be " The decent thing" . (Unless somehow, the job in itself is contributing factor in yours or your DS's mental health. Like if it was particularly stressful and affected everyday life.)

Surely your employer would be better off with you off for months ( potentially) rather than resigning and they have to go through the process of finding someone else? Surely you and your son would be better off if you come out the other side of this with a job and a stable income? Rather than The possibility of a new stress of being unemployed and financially unstable?

What your friend has said is so cold and cruel. I Hope you have other support xxx

Your friend is giving you shitty advice.

Get signed off sick if you can. Your GP will likely be very helpful. If you are signed sick you will at the very least get Statutory Sick Pay.

You also have the legal right to take unpaid emergency time off to care for a dependent. This isn’t long term but could be good for a week here and there when required (I appreciate your situation sounds more serious than that).

Provided your DS is under 18 you can also request to take unpaid parental leave for 4 weeks. You do need to give 21 days notice but this is another option.

Also consider a flexible working request where you can work from home.

So many preferable options to resignation.

Please go to your GP and get signed off.

As a manager if any of my team told me what you've explained here, i'd be telling them to go off sick!

Please please please call in sick today. Book an appointment with your GP urgently. Make sure you take the time you need.

I was going to say the same.

Also to add if your work turn out not to be supportive and in one way or another job goes down the pan. At least you've tried. But chances are they will be which you won't find out if you resign!

Absolutely get signed off.

But you shouldn't be on your own on 24 hour suicide watch. Are social services involved? Can you get respite care?

It could well be worth getting legal advice from solicitors specialising in mental health issues - you may be able to get legal aid in your son's name. This situation is clearly dangerous for both you and your son.

Not a nice friend - to say do the decent thing implying youre not decent. Do what works for you in your difficult situation.

Get signed off to get some breathing space and go from there. If you have a reasonable amount of time off your work should engage to work together around a return to work, and you could then discuss or think about other options. You don't want to be worried about your DS and also worried about not having a job. You know your employer best and whether they'd be supportive with unpaid leave etc, but honestly nought wrong or whatever else about having some signed time off.

She's not helping. Take some time off. I hope your DS feels well soon.

Definitely go to your GP and get signed off. Work will cope.

Happened with a colleague. She did battle on trying to come in to the office and patching together care with her DH and older child. She took some sick leave but probably not enough. She is now quite unwell. Nobody was judging her but she insisted on trying to cope.
Her child is now far more settled and happy and the 24 hr watch is in the past. Take what you need. Be open and honest with your managers. I wish my colleague had taken more time when she needed it.

You get signed off and stay off as long as your DS needs you x

With friends like that....
How unsupportive

Definitely go the signed off route initially. You need to create some space first off before taking any irrevocable decisions. Even when your ds is in school, you need that time out to decompress. Hope things improve for ds and you.