Should I report this to HR or get over myself?

[Indu29]

Hi Mumsnetters!
An incident happened at work where I'm no longer able to relax, or feel like myself. If I am being honest, I'm left feeling traumatized and scarred.
I had a friend at work, lets call her Jane who was unhappy at her department. Because I noticed that and wanted to help, I asked Jane to move to the department I'm working in and replace me, as I was going on maternity leave. I recommended her to my manager, helped her fill out the application form and she got the role.
Once she started working in my team, I trained her and we shared a close bond with each other. Just before I went on maternity, she organised a farewell gathering for me. Jane was also made permeant within my team.
However during my leave, Jane was struggling in my team as another coworker was not pulling her weight in and my manager (Sarah) got promoted, and hired another manager to replace her (let's call this new manager John).
Now Jane hated john as she felt he was incompetent. Sarah asked Jane to train John, which she hated. Jane spread rumours about John, saying he was inefficient and when Jane had problems about John's work, she complained straight to Sarah instead of dealing with John directly. Sarah eventually had enough of this as Jane kept on complaining for months and asked Jane to move departments if she is struggling with john.
I recently came back to work from maternity and one of the first things I noticed is that Jane is not doing as much work. Which I thought fine, she can do whatever and I will focus on my job.
Last week, Sarah called me about a minor question regarding my work but I was not available to pick up. So Sarah called Jane instead, hoping she can assist her.
As a result of this, in our group chat, Jane messaged @Lara do this task and contact X and you have written this draft wrong.
Jane then privatley messaged me to say she cant take calls on my behalf as she has her own work load, this is challenging for her and requested me to keep on top of my work to ensure good communication and workflow.
Now obviously I'm left upset as she has exposed me on the group chat, the way she had written her message to me has left me feeling like a naughty child. I am also worried that Jane might fixate on me, in order to find faults like she did with John.
What would you do if you were me?

So are you basing the fact she was fixated on John because Jane kept talking about him to you or because John told you she was fixated on him?

I think you are way overthinking this.

Jane sounds like a bit of a knob, but I think you really need some perspective. Traumatised, scarred, affecting your home life. You need perspective, and maybe some sort of anxiety counselling?

The conflict between Jane and John is nothing to do with you. But Jane does sound as if she could be a sneaky troublemaker. I would keep my distance from her in future and not consider her a friend. Why is she criticising your work she isn't your manager. Sounds like she has got too big for her boots.

She kept talking about him

Sorry @Lara is me

i do understand, anxiety can be an asshole.

Take a breath, your anxiety is making monsters out of the unknown here.. you've seen what can happen, and you're going to the worst case scenario of the same happening to you. It's unlikely.

That being said, Jane is clearly a difficult customer with no filter or people skills..

I would tackle this with a simple "Sorry Sarah got in touch with you when i couldn't answer, i hope it won't happen again, but if it does, i really don't expect you to be picking up my work. Just let me know Sarah called, but could you drop me a private message, rather than use the group chat. thanks."

And then have a chat with Sarah asking her not to contact Jane but to leave you a message.

You can't report something that hasn't happened love

Don't let her undermine you. If she messages you on a group channel in the future and tries to throw you under the bus, respond using the same medium, as politely & professionally, to advise the group of event happenings / workload responsibilities. I'd recommend leaving personal feelings out of this. In reality, is she really a friend or a usually friendly work colleague?
A former boss of mine had a saying: "If you lie in front of the door as a doormat, that's exactly how you'll be treated"

Probably the betrayal of friendship is what make you feel upset, rather than the message itself. If it’s other people, would you have felt the same way?

@Indu29 I would suggest to document everything if you have doubts in Jane’s intentions. Try to email everything job related so you’ll have proof in case she will try to distort some things.

@Survivingnotthriving24

Jane I was unavailable for Sarah's call due to other work commitment. I have no expectation for you to do my tasks, in future if you have any concerns I'd appreciate if you'd address them directly with me as this was not an appropriate way to speak to me in front of others."

Surviving's text is perfect.

First thing Monday morning sent that text on your group chat. Or email her direct with the same text.

I understand OP. You left work being close friends with somebody and on the level with them, and now you've come back and your friend who you personally recommended and trained, is behaving in a toxic and confrontational way. It is really cheap of her to have treated something like a simple phone call and task that way, and to call you out as if your lack of availability in that exact moment means you are somehow skiving or not pulling your weight.

I have worked with someone similar in the past tbh, a really nice person in many ways who I got on with really well, but who was really intense and hyper critical of others. Your example really struck me as we had a similar dynamic in the team where a new manager came in and this person just took an instant disliking to them, always saying they were rubbish and weak.

the problem is with people like this, is that their critical nature is part of them, and is therefore directed at all and sundry.

I wouldn't be impressed with her attitude btw, if I was Sarah either. I'm sure Sarah is well clued up on Jane, given her treatment of John..

Also, I have anxiety as well and I completely understand how these things feel like the end of the world. I actually had a really similar experience this week, where I missed an informal call with somebody outside of the team which I was supposed to attend with a colleague. The treatment I got from them really got me down. It was a genuine mistake and frankly, I am overwhelmed at the moment with additional project work that I have taken on, which nobody else in my team is being pressured with. So it felt gutting and I felt like the worst person in the world, but I have to objectively remind myself that this is not the biggest deal and I will move forward from it. I hope you can do the same!

The dynamic moving forward with Jane will just have to change, sadly. She is not going to be the friend she once was to you in the workplace.

I think perhaps you might need to speak to someone and get some extra support. Speaking of breakdowns, being traumatised and scarred are all disproportionate responses. Jane sounds like a dick - the WA message was a dick move on her part - but she’s not actually done anything else to you.

I get what your saying
basically you’ve seen Jane get the knife into someone and you think you’ll be next

just keep in your guard and diary anything of concern in case you need to go to hr in future

Jane sounds like a dick to respond to a private conversation in a group chat.

Good grief. Which poor devil is having to manage all of you? The drama! The nonsense! It sound some grips need getting all round.

You put on the WhatsApp group that if she has any issues with your work to approach you in person not in a Whatsapp group

If that message is to you in the work chat then just thumbs it.

Everyone knows that's an unprofessional thing to post in a group chat and should be private chat if it's at all critical about someone's work (or better done face to face or over a teams call)

I assume your boss is in this group chat? If it's just you/jane then mute it /leave it)

Lol. First world trauma.

Well I can see why Jane was unhappy in her previous role. Sadly, you believed her rather than seeing she was the issue.

I think all you can do is keep your head down and do your own work. And distance yourself from Jane. She has not shown you any loyalty or thanks for how you helped her.

My boss pulled me up on something in front of our whole team this week so l replied, also in front of the whole team - l was only following your instructions - she backed down then. Just keep pushing back if she does that oo.

Hi ladies,
Thankyou for your honest responses, I really needed them as I dont have anyone else to turn to.
So I have taken your advice on board and have messaged on the group chat and responded to Jane by saying that I have done all the actions she has suggested me to do and wrote down my findings.
Privatley I messaged her responding that I am on top of my caseload, and I am doing my best to work on them, all the evidence is on our spreadsheet. I also apologised to her about having to take Sarah's call on my behalf.
I was still pretty upset about this so I have told this to John. John decided last week to announce the "wrongdoing" of what Jane did during our group meeting and how he didnt appreciate it (which Jane was not present for as she was on leave).
John wants to raise this issue again when all of us are present. I am becoming anxious and paranoid again by thinking "what if Jane starts criticising me in front of my colleagues".
If anyone has the time to read this please give me some much needed advice. Or recommend which organisation I need to speak to as I know my thinking is not normal. I'm becoming overly anxious again.

I think you all need to grow up.
The Head of department needs to be involved and to step jn. It is their responsibility to manage it.

What do you expect HR to do. They can give you eap details and advice about starting the grievance procedure. It is not their role to manage your team but to advise managers about process and constructive conversations.

I have never known a grievance do anything other than fracture already brittle working relationships.

You all need to cease the tittle tattle and you in particular need to stop listening to it. Lesson for the future - work friendships/relationships are superficial. Stay well away from the gripes of others.

Having said that one toxic person can bring down a service's morale but you introduced them and have been played. Head down and move on. Out if necessary.

Why did you apologise to her? There was nothing for you to apologise for. Why didn't you just use one of the sensible messages suggested above rather than pander and grovel to Jane in the group and apologise separately? You are taking on the role of being her scapegoat voluntarily by responding the way you did.

I think at the time, I apologised as I didn't want to have bad blood with anyone. I fully understand that she was thrown into a call, that was meant for me therefore I understand she must have felt annoyed and confused at that point.
I'm not a confrontational person at all, only when I need to be.