My job is making me ill but I don’t know if I can afford to take a less well paid role.

[BarbaraPoppy]

I hate my job!
I work away three days a week and I knew it would be hard when I took the job 2 years ago but the money was good and the opportunity sounded great, working with an old friend as my boss.
It turns out the old friend is a bully. I didn’t realise but there are rumours she’s been fired for bullying before. A few months ago she told me off the record that she thought I should find a new job because “nobody trusts me.”
This, together with the constant put downs have shredded my confidence, meaning I do very occasionally make small mistakes, such as missing a typo, that she makes a big deal out of using it as evidence of my incompetence.

I have reported this to HR but they don’t care. My doctor has offered to sign me off sick but I think it would get worse and my boss would rubbish everything I’ve ever done while I’m not there.

I have started looking for other jobs and have got near an offer on a couple of occasions for it to fall through at the last minute which is playing havoc with my confidence and my mental health. The doctor has prescribed me beta blockers but they make me vomit. I’ve been referred for therapy which starts next week.

I have a final interview for a role on Monday which sounds great. It’s working from home and the company is small. I have contacts there who love it and have given me great references.
My problem is that it would mean a significant salary drop and I carry a fair bit of debt that won’t be paid off for about 4 years.

I am by far the main wage earner. My DH could earn more. He doesn’t work full time and he tends to pick up ad hoc work with a friend which he loves but isn’t reliable.
If he could find a full time reliable job it would help and I am paying a fortune in travel and accommodation to go to work which would be ruled out by working at home. I’m not sleeping and the anxiety is crippling but I don’t know if I can financially afford to leave my job but I don’t know if I can emotionally afford to stay there.

What would you do? Have you ever been in this position?

I would leave and make cut backs wherever I could, strict budget etc. How much of a drop are we talking?

This sounds awful, I am sorry you’ve been put in this situation. Usually I would say don’t be intimidated into leaving until you have something that really suits you, but the effects on your health here are worrying.
Can you sit down with DH and do a full list of outgoings, work out what you may be able to cut back? Can he contribute more if you’re not away so much (if you have DC)?

I would first take the time off sick. Because you are unwell and deserve to be cared for - your health is very important and I say that as someone who has only just arrived at that conclusion myself, so I know it's hard.

You can't think straight about what you want to do next until you have that breathing space. If your boss wants to pick up on all kinds of things whilst you are off, let them. It's now at a point where it won't matter what you do, because they sound determined to have the upper hand and diminish you. Let them get on with playing out their own game and stay out of it. This will be much easier as you rest and recuperate. It's not you, it's them.

The rest is also important for a new job, because if you go straight into another, you will take all this with you and it will feel awful. You need a break.

Can you talk to your DH? Has he any idea how you're feeling? Would he step up job wise? Is there any reason he can't? If he won't then perhaps he needs a reality check, you're not responsible for two people at the cost of your health and sanity. How does he think the bills get paid? With your wellbeing?

Good luck and I hope you find the way forward.

Your partner needs do more. You sound so miserable 🙁

So ... is your partner looking for better paid work or not?

Your health is the most important thing. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.

Go for the new job if it is offered, ask your partner to get a better paid job if he can and adjust your finances. Then keep looking for a higher paid job for yourself if necessary, whether you get the job on Monday or not it doesn't have to be forever. Good luck!

Take the new job if offered

How much is the pay cut in terms of take home pay?

How much will you save in travel and accommodation costs?

How much time will you save a week not having to commute? can you use that for some other part time work?

Have you discussed how you are feeling with your OH? Why isn’t he looking for full time work now? This is not all on your shoulders

Not sure how great a drop yet but certainly at least £15k which would possibly be manageable when you consider that it would be a lot less after tax and I’m spending at least 10k on travel and accommodation for the job.

It really doesn't sound like you'll be much worse off. Make all your cut backs. Encourage partner to increase his income. You'll be fine. Your health is more important than anything.

Get signed off. How can it possibly make things worse?

Hopefully you'll get this job - you need breathing space. If you get offered the new job, take it and you can then start looking for something else better paid if you have to but first you're going to need to recover from the stress of this job.

Your partner is going to have to step up and earn more money, whether that's getting a full time job or just finding more ad hoc work.

Go through your budget together with a fine tooth comb, look for any savings you can make and look at how you can manage your debt in the short term - mortgage holidays, work out payment plans with the debt providers, move things to interest free credit cards if you're currently paying interest on credit cards - basically - do what you can to get out of your current job and worry about the debt later. Your mental and physical health is at risk - stress is very bad for your body.

My DH isn’t looking for another job at the minute but I think he would. He hasn’t ever had a well paid job but it doesn’t need to pay particularly well to make up the shortfall. He does work but it’s not reliable. Mainly hospitality work or labouring for a friend who is a builder.

i think because he’s never had the sort of job that you worry about he doesn’t understand how I’m feeling. He thinks I’m just exhausted with the travel and the stress and that I overthink things - which is true but it doesn’t change how I feel or the reality I’m living in.

You need to leave for your own wellbeing, you won't regret it!

Your husband needs to step up and support you by pulling his weight financially.

It’s clear that you absolutely cannot continue in this role. So you have to find a way to leave. It sounds like you won’t really lose out financially, and there are options for your DH to earn more than he does. So I think you should go for it.

I was in your exact position 6 months ago. I took the job and the pay cut. It’s been absolutely fine and I urge you to do it. You’ll be surprised at how much you save wfh, and not buying things to self soothe. Realistically, if you’re already talking to your doctor, staying is going to lead to only one thing. Can you face the year ahead in your current job? If that sends you into a spiral just thinking about it, get out. My pay cut was the same amount. I’m so much happier now. I didn’t realise how bad it was until I got myself back! If your OH is a decent man surely he can see how unhappy you are?

Get the new job, negotiate hard on salary and WFH, it will be a game changer and hopefully you will sleep better, feel better. Then tell your DH to get a FT job!

I was in similar position in my early 20s. I was also the main wage earner.

I left and took a low-stress part-time job in a different sector. It was just what I needed. In under a year that job had lead to a full-time job earning similar to my old one and I went on to have a very satisfying and successful career in that sector (before switching again in my 40s - but that's another story!)

Good luck and be kind to yourself.

Yes - work out the costs properly, and tell your DH he has to step up.

Good luck OP, I hope things improve for you.

Leave
Nobody deserves to be living like that over a job.
Take anything even of a temporary step away from toxicity.

Lovely advice.

I would also offer, nothing is worth ruining your health over. Health is wealth... not money.

Good luckcwith it all and I am sure with you being proactive, you will find solution soon

Take that sick leave for ad long as you can. Play the game. Everyone else would!

I took a £30k pay cut for 2 years. It was the best thing I ever did as I'm now in a much better position. I don't think you will be massively worse off by the sounds of it. It's definitely worth it for your sanity

The horrid job has to go. Has to. Then work out what your options are given that.

You are incredibly passive about your husband whej in fact he is being selfish and thoughtless. He must know you have been to the doctors through stress, can't sleep, and yet he continues to laze about whilst you presumably pay most of the bills? That is a horrible thing to do.

Go for it! Without the travelling and the fact you’ll pay less tax etc, you will probably break even. Your mental health and well-being is more important and if it’s not going to cause you to lose your home then do it!
Good luck x

If its a £15k pay cut and you're a higher rate tax payer then take home is roughly half so £7500. If you're spending £10k on travel then it sounds like the new role will actually make you better off
Do the sums then get yourself out of there

Take the job. Your husband can stop playing at work and letting you take the fall.
Do not be tempted to try to keep everything going by spending savings, or using your personal money - he steps up!