My job is making me ill but I don’t know if I can afford to take a less well paid role.

[BarbaraPoppy]

I hate my job!
I work away three days a week and I knew it would be hard when I took the job 2 years ago but the money was good and the opportunity sounded great, working with an old friend as my boss.
It turns out the old friend is a bully. I didn’t realise but there are rumours she’s been fired for bullying before. A few months ago she told me off the record that she thought I should find a new job because “nobody trusts me.”
This, together with the constant put downs have shredded my confidence, meaning I do very occasionally make small mistakes, such as missing a typo, that she makes a big deal out of using it as evidence of my incompetence.

I have reported this to HR but they don’t care. My doctor has offered to sign me off sick but I think it would get worse and my boss would rubbish everything I’ve ever done while I’m not there.

I have started looking for other jobs and have got near an offer on a couple of occasions for it to fall through at the last minute which is playing havoc with my confidence and my mental health. The doctor has prescribed me beta blockers but they make me vomit. I’ve been referred for therapy which starts next week.

I have a final interview for a role on Monday which sounds great. It’s working from home and the company is small. I have contacts there who love it and have given me great references.
My problem is that it would mean a significant salary drop and I carry a fair bit of debt that won’t be paid off for about 4 years.

I am by far the main wage earner. My DH could earn more. He doesn’t work full time and he tends to pick up ad hoc work with a friend which he loves but isn’t reliable.
If he could find a full time reliable job it would help and I am paying a fortune in travel and accommodation to go to work which would be ruled out by working at home. I’m not sleeping and the anxiety is crippling but I don’t know if I can financially afford to leave my job but I don’t know if I can emotionally afford to stay there.

What would you do? Have you ever been in this position?

Sot down with husband and explain he's going to have to make up the shortfall. You're a partnership not his slave to bring the money in.

He's contributing your stress as much as the shitty manager

We can only make the best decisions we can at the time with the information available. You were told the travel was temporary and it wasn’t.

Please take the other job if offered. I think it Will be almost cost neutral as you are paying travel etc from taxed income. Where it isn’t, DH can step up (he doesn’t necessarily have to work full time, he can pick up more casual/reliable jobs and that would probably make enough of a difference). And there will be a few areas of cost cutting too - you are home more so probably easier to batch cook than grab a last minute takeaway when trains are messed up etc.

Don't feel bad for taking it. It must be great for your cv and that increased wage is good for future job prospects. If you hadn't taken it you would be thinking 'what if' it's only a mistake if you stay and punish yourself.

It's sounds like there are very few reasons to stay bar a few k extra cash. Imagine all the lovely time you could spend with your son.

I started working from home almost exclusively. It's glorious!

It really sounds like there would be very little difference financially if you take the new job, and equally that it is definitely time for your husband to step up and start earning realistically to pay off your debts.

Your OH has opted to prioritise quality of life over high income for himself - he is right - you must do the same!

I did at age 50 - jumped off the wheel and started freelance work that I enjoyed. Massive income hit which needed negotiating, but my sanity benefitted.

We managed somehow. We found some of our outgoings reduced - income tax, fares etc.

Your OH could up his hours/work commitment to help pay off the loans.

Please seize the day - take this opportunity and give yourself some quality of life.

don’t know if I can financially afford to leave my job

Can you afford to stay though? The effect on your health is becoming so marked you run the risk of becoming too unwell to work. Where will your family end up if you can't work?

Get out before you ruin your health. Health is one of the most important things in life. Take a lower paid job and think of it as a stepping stone, it isn't forever but will allow you to get back on an even keel and then you can look for something else.

But the weight of the family finances should not be on your shoulders. It might be easier for your DH to take on more work if you are home every night. He is equally responsible for making the household finances balance, not just you.
Sit down together and do the sums, work out the shortfall and he will have to help make that up by taking on more work

So, from what you say, you will only notice a drop of around 5k, if you are paying 10k in expenses just to make the current job viable.

You should be paying less tax too, and you won't be paying any money on travel and accommodation (how come the company didn't cover this?) Working from home is SO much cheaper. No food out, no coffees out, no commuting costs, time to prep cheap nutritious evening meals. No need to pay others (if you do) to clean or garden as you can fit these in during lunch breaks and after work, due to not wasting time commuting.

Your DH can increase his income by 5-10k and you'd already be better off.

As PP have said, take sick leave and let HR know that your stress has come from workplace bullying. If that is not possible, are you owed any TOIL or holiday? Use the time to either set yourself up for the new job if it materialises, or to look more actively for something else.

Oh gosh OP, your boss sounds like an absolute nightmare. If I was in your situation I would absolutely take the job. Take to your DH about how this job is affecting your mental health and wellbeing (I’m sure he already knows) and he really should prioritise bringing in more money. No job is worth sacrificing your health!

Def move on! You should have no regrets over the job you took. You got it, did it well and now it’s time for something new. Focus on the things that went well and hold that head up high. Their loss not yours.

ps If your dh works in hospitality he can easily find more work.

Sorry you are in this position.

I agree that I would take another job on less pay to protect my health (I wish you the best of luck for your upcoming interview).

I'd definitely sit down and examine the household budget, look where savings are to be made- hopefully this will help you to feel a bit more confident in your position.

I'd also sit down and talk to your husband one more time, in very clear, blunt terms. You are ill and need to leave your job. End of. Do not put it up for discussion- I am normally an advocate for discussing things like changing jobs etc due to their impact on the whole family, but he has not prioritised you and your health needs to come first.

It sounds as if he's never have a regular grown-up job or taken full responsibility for himself. No wonder you're exhausted and anxious. Have you just assumed that you'll go through life together with you being the breadwinner and him doing a few hospitality shifts? If so, why do you value yourself so low? Surely you deserve an adult partner, one who can pay his own way and doesn't expect you to pay his bills? What's happened to you, that you think that's acceptable?

Can you imagine what life would be like in a genuine partnership, where you share responsibilities equally and cover each others' backs? You certainly don't seem to have that in your current set-up. When you have this new job and you're over the immediate anxiety, OP, it'll be time to sort out what you want from life and how you're going to get it. If he wants to be part of it, sounds as if he's going to have to get his act together and earn a living and start helping to support you. Above all don't have children with this man until he's spent a few years in a full-time career and proved himself a responsible adult.

When do you get to prioritise yourself and your mental health?

You need a serious talk with your husband. He needs to pull his finger out and earn more, because you are making yourself unwell working somewhere that makes you so unhappy.

You've not got long to wait for your last interview, so I wouldn't sign off sick right now (only because it sounds like your boss might try and use that against you somehow) just try and ride it out if you can. Maybe go off sick after the interview to give yourself some breathing space.

But really, while work is obviously horrible, it's your husband allowing you to have all the responsibility so he can dodge around just pleasing himself that is the issue here.

Best of luck for Monday.

Do you live in a remote or rural location? I’m just wondering why your DH can’t get a full time job and you don’t seem to feel you have many options and spend so much on travel.

I am horrified at your DH's attitude. Why hasn't he been working properly all this time?

Thanks all, I’m so grateful for your support.

My husband and I spoke this morning and he is now looking for a full time permanent reliable role with a guaranteed salary so things are looking up.

The reason he worked part time originally was to be at home for the kids because I have always had very demanding jobs with long hours and it made sense for him to work in the evenings and at weekends and be around for the kids during the day. Now they are older this is no longer necessary, especially if I could wfh.

I don’t live in a remote area, but I work in central London and head up a function for a global company which doesn’t have a UK office outside of London and doesn’t support full time remote working. The opportunity was sold to me as having amazing prospects and not requiring me to be in the office as often after the first few months. This hasn’t worked out but my main issue is the bullying and the toxic environment.

He doesn’t work full time and he tends to pick up ad hoc work with a friend which he loves but isn’t reliable.

so he’s not worked in any kind of regular work let alone full time work for many many years

to say he’s going to struggle to find full time permanent job would be an understatement

I'm glad you've found a way through this with your husband. Is he not concerned about his pension prospects? If he wants a full state pension he needs to have paid NI for 35 years. Even then he needs to have topped up with savings and a private pension if he's to have a halfway decent later life. Or is he expecting you to provide for him then, too?

I'd suggest the two of you really need to sit down and talk about a ten year plan. It's not good for him to have to be dependent on you, or you to have to provide for the entire family. Has to be a shared burden. I hope he finds something soon.

I have sent you a PM.

Go for the new job. Before you end up too sick to work at all.

As soon as you have the new job, then get signed off sick (,if you get reasonable sick pay).

I think all the cutbacks will be worth it to protect your health