My job is making me ill but I don’t know if I can afford to take a less well paid role.

[BarbaraPoppy]

I hate my job!
I work away three days a week and I knew it would be hard when I took the job 2 years ago but the money was good and the opportunity sounded great, working with an old friend as my boss.
It turns out the old friend is a bully. I didn’t realise but there are rumours she’s been fired for bullying before. A few months ago she told me off the record that she thought I should find a new job because “nobody trusts me.”
This, together with the constant put downs have shredded my confidence, meaning I do very occasionally make small mistakes, such as missing a typo, that she makes a big deal out of using it as evidence of my incompetence.

I have reported this to HR but they don’t care. My doctor has offered to sign me off sick but I think it would get worse and my boss would rubbish everything I’ve ever done while I’m not there.

I have started looking for other jobs and have got near an offer on a couple of occasions for it to fall through at the last minute which is playing havoc with my confidence and my mental health. The doctor has prescribed me beta blockers but they make me vomit. I’ve been referred for therapy which starts next week.

I have a final interview for a role on Monday which sounds great. It’s working from home and the company is small. I have contacts there who love it and have given me great references.
My problem is that it would mean a significant salary drop and I carry a fair bit of debt that won’t be paid off for about 4 years.

I am by far the main wage earner. My DH could earn more. He doesn’t work full time and he tends to pick up ad hoc work with a friend which he loves but isn’t reliable.
If he could find a full time reliable job it would help and I am paying a fortune in travel and accommodation to go to work which would be ruled out by working at home. I’m not sleeping and the anxiety is crippling but I don’t know if I can financially afford to leave my job but I don’t know if I can emotionally afford to stay there.

What would you do? Have you ever been in this position?

I have been in your exact position, working for a friend who turned out to be a complete narcisst and I took the new job for less money.

It was totally the right decision. You and your DH are a partnership and you shouldn't feel like you have to make yourself ill to support the family unit.

Thank you all. I’m so pleased I posted, you’re so supportive!

My DH does work part time in the evenings (a legacy from when the kids were young) but his employer never gives him the hours he’s meant to have. He picks up labouring work with a friend but it’s not reliable so I want him to get a reliable 9 to 5 job with a steady wage.

To be honest I am feeling resentful (on top of everything else!) If he had a better job we wouldn’t be in this position. We wouldn’t have debt which was largely to cover his lack of earning, and I wouldn’t be stuck in a job that’s making me so miserable. I don’t think he appreciates how miserable I am but I do speak to him about it regularly. He did seem quite surprised when I suggested he should get a full time job - he just thinks we can’t afford for me to take a big pay cut.

I've had a job where every small mistake I made was held over me. It was even that higher role, it's just not worth the stress. I think my manager thought I could be perfect but even he made mistakes and I was criticised for everything, it was just to stressful. I could never work with him again.

Priorities your health and well-being, you will probably find when your not paying as much on travelling that it not as big as a cut back as you think. And encourage your partner to earn a steady income it'll help take the stress off you to.

I agree with everyone else if you get offered the other job you should take it.

I also agree with others that your husband needs to step up. It’s a cop out that he doesn’t understand the stresses of your job. Of course he doesn’t because he’s just drifting along with few / non-existent work responsibilities. But if he has eyes he can surely see the impact on you and want to help. He needs to look for a more reliable job so he can contribute more.

As an aside - it’s your boss’s manager who should be dealing with her behaviour with the support of HR. Not HR.

Good luck

Take the other job. Start making jacket potato with baked beans for dinner until your husband gets the message. Prioritise paying off your debts. I am in a 40% tax bracket. I still shop for clothes in charity shops (everything except shoes and underwear). I have an incredible wardrobe at a fraction of the cost. (You never know what you are going to find in a charity shops so it's best to go with an open mind rather than looking for a particular item)

Ok. Sit down. Put new job on one side of a sheet of paper, current job on other side.

Workout take home pay. Current job must pay more in tax so work out what you have in your pocket each month after that is taken.

Then add up all the expenses from current job. Petrol, car maintenance, is your car insurance business insurance?

Are there other savings that will be made if you WFH? Cleaner that can go? Cheaper meals as you have more time?

Once you have the actual number you can judge whether that actual difference (which doesn't sound like it will be much,) is worth it. Worth more time, escaping your bully, more flexibility, a fresh start etc.

And yes yes to DH stepping up here. It's crazy he is just swanning about with casual work while you are killing yourself with stress.

I would try to avoid going on sick leave in case it effects any new job offer but know that it's there if you need it.

Your partner does not decide that you cannot afford to take a wage cut. I might think differently if he were working flat out, too.
This is not negotiable, you will become ill if you continue in this job.

Time for your DH to step up! He’s had it far too easy while you are getting ill with stress! (Been there btw - mine is now ex). Take some time off sick, it sounds like you need it. Regroup, relax, talk to your DH. Time for a few changes in both your lives.

I did a fag packet calculation that I had spent about £8k on trains last year but a friend, pointed out that was before tax and I hadn’t considered tube and taxi fares, food when I’m away or accommodation.

BarbaraPoppy · Today 08:13
I did a fag packet calculation that I had spent about £8k on trains last year but a friend, pointed out that was before tax and I hadn’t considered tube and taxi fares, food when I’m away or accommodation.

This is good.You can google what your take home pay would be. Have you had a look?

20 years ago I was in a similar situation. I was very nervous about moving.
I took the new job. The financial hit, all things considered, was about £250 a month. I'm still there. I've had a marvellous career, and I am so much happier than I was. I havn't missed the money at all BUT dh earns well and we'd paid off our mortgage and had no need for childcare by the time the COL crisis hit. We didn't go on holiday other than camping in Scotland - SC at a push - for years, and lived quite frugally but comfortably. But if you can afford it, move jobs.

Take the job. Put the new salary into one of those tax calculator websites and work out how much money you'll actually take home but from what you're saying it doesn't sound like a huge drop. In my experience once you're out of the job you'll be able to think more clearly about budgeting.

Incidentally when I was working away and really stressed I seemed to spend an absolute fortune on food and takeaway coffees - little treats to make myself feel better (they did not make me feel better).

Why on earth are you spending so much on travel and accommodation for a job? Surely you’re claiming it back?

Get signed off, today. Take the job that you’re offered and then figure out what to do next. You don’t have to stay in any job you hate.

you DH needs to man up FGS
pathetic

do you have children?

Surely if it's work related travel costs you reclaim them from the business?!
You don't have a choice but to change jobs if your current one is making you ill.
DH needs to find more solid work and budget to keep money on track.
Also consider getting signed off......

It is sounding to me as though you should take the new job. But I’d also do more than a back-of-a-fag-packet calculation.
go through your bank statement and work out how much you actually spent on accommodation, travel and other working away costs. Take that off your net pay for the last year.

compare that to the net pay for the new job using a tax calculator.

It sounds to me that you might not be that much worse off, and certainly a gap that could be plugged by your husband finding something better. But I think if you have a proper spreadsheet that calculates this properly rather than a rough estimate you’ll be in a better position to see what the impact would be

Are you claiming the tax back on your travel and accommodation costs? I assume you get none of this back from your employer?

Agree with others about checking how the finances stack up but would also add to do some research about the market rate for the role you are applying for and if what they offer is below that rate, you can try to gently negotiate this upwards. It’s possible to do this in a way which doesn’t mean you decline the original offer if you are diplomatic and it often works - particularly if you are only talking about an uplift of a few thousand pounds

I can’t claim back expenses because that’s my place of work so I have to travel to it. It’s just that I live hundreds of miles away. I did know that when I took the job and I took a £20k pay rise to take the job so I thought I’d be better off even with the travel but the reality is I’m not.

I can currently wfh for part of the week or the occasional week but my boss comments that nobody knows who i am because I’m not there enough.

I also don’t think being away is fair on my youngest son who is 12. Because my husband works evenings it means he has to stay with my mum sometimes when I’m away and although she absolutely loves having him, he would rather be at home with me.

We don’t have any huge expenses other than bills and my travel. We holiday in this country and live fairly frugally which is another worry I suppose - I’m not sure where we can cut back but we must be able to somewhere. I have 2 older sons at uni which is expensive although both my older sons have jobs. The eldest actually has two jobs.

what is baffling
really baffling
is that you took this job in the first place

Hi, I think it’s easy to feel resentful but it’s maybe because we feel powerless, trapped. Open a clear dialogue say, could you find a 9-5 this month or next? I’m stopping this job as it’s run its course and affecting my well being. I’ve got something else lined up to give a shot but it will mean a change for you too. If there’s any resisting or deflection say shall we go for a walk and talk this over ( set a time if now is too loaded). I’d put your notice in. Once you’ve done that you’ll feel better. And tell your partner clearly what you need to happen without any ‘I’m exhausted because you xxx’ it just upsets us more somehow. If he absolutely resists and won’t work more you’ll need to find some other way but it’s not the job you have now. Get out and don’t look back.
ps I’ve been in all the same situations - same style boss, also main earner part time spouse (that’s turned right around but it took about 3 years then I said this must happen super clearly and he got a job then this year has a great job). I’m in a stressful role still but without the bully boss. I’m thinking to change but have same situation trapped by my wage almost in that without working in my own profession I’ll earn less and it’s unknown as to whether will be less mentally demanding. It’s not easy. Good luck x

Take the lesser paid job and tell your husband he needs to get a job and support you and the family. Where is his drive? His ambition? Merrily allowing you to pick up the slack while he barely works for years. Time to get a proper job and start supporting the family for a change. Maybe then he’ll understand job stress

Change your job anyway and stop carrying your DH-one way or another!

I obviously regret taking the job now and feel immensely foolish and gaslit. My “friend” persuaded me it was a great opportunity to do something new. I was in a good steady job with good pay but there was no scope for promotion and I was ambitious. This role is in a great industry and had prospects for rapid promotion. I was told that after the first quarter I could travel much less because I would have built a profile.
Feeling awful for having taken the role in the first place is part of the terrible guilt and anxiety that I’m currently dealing with.
I comfort myself with the thought that I didn’t know it would work out this way and I was trying to do something positive for my family and my career.
Now I feel I have had all my confidence and ambition knocked out of me and I want to curl up in a corner but I have to do something and I don’t feel I can do this job much longer.

I have also had an interview for a better paying role (than my current job) which would still involve being away 2 days a week but it’s at an earlier stage in the recruitment process and tbh I don’t know whether I have the heart for it anymore.