Disclosed something too personal at work

[Yogablockz]

I am a senior manager in the charity sector. Last week I disclosed some personal information over email to other members of the SMT. The information is about the health of a close family member, and I disclosed it because I need to step away from some of my responsibilities to deal with this personal situation.

no-one has responded to the email. I realise now I over shared and I am ashamed. I don’t use an email programme that allows you to recall emails, and the disclosure is part of a chain of emails with other information in it.

i am ashamed, embarrassed and also if im honest upset that not a single one of my colleagues wanted to offer a word of support. I am quitting this job but i don’t know how to get through the notice period.

any advice? Please be kind

i am so sorry for the tough time.

Often people behave differently as a group vs individuals. If you had messaged each in turn you would have got replies.

On a group work email, often recipients are waiting for the most senior person to respond before they chime in. So ideally your line manager would have said, “so sorry, Katie, we will figure something out and wish you and your family the best” and others may be waiting for this lead, esp on the work stuff.

I would assume they are seeking advice on how to proceed with supporting you going forward

I am sorry to hear that your colleagues have not been able to find it in themselves to be supportive and kind. We are all human and sometimes life is difficult, I fail to understand how anyone could ignore a colleague in distress. Can you go to HR for help?

Hey op, maybe they think it’s more letting them know than a response needed? Maybe they think you’ve spoken to one person if you get me.

You have done nothing wrong. I agree a sick note if possible. But honestly it’s just a lesson in modern workplace politics. Everyone is oh we are a family, until you need some support then everyone shows their hand. I wouldn’t feel bad, I wouldn’t second guess their feelings towards you, but I would seek support outside the workplace.

You're not a freak op, it's either two things, laziness or they don't know how to respond. I'm guessing it's the first one, noone wants to take the extra work on.

Don't let it make you feel this bad, honestly. Don't quit over this.

I think you are over thinking this and quiting your job is an over reaction.

I worked somewhere for 15 years and my father passed away - not one person acknowledged it - it hurts! This says more about them than you . I left not long after and while in my new job my mother passed away - everyone was very kind and I received a lovely bunch of flowers from management
Don’t be embarrassed x

Your Co-workers sound atrocious. You shouldn’t feel ashamed. I wouldn’t hand in my notice yet, I’d go off sick and let them pick up all your work

I read recently something about refusing to take anything personally, as the best way to sort 99% of our problems. I forget the actual words but I thought it the sentiment was good. Might be worth thinking about? Maybe their non response has actually no personal barb aimed at u? Like someone said ..email not read or skimmed and ignored as it didn't require a response.

How are things going OP?
(I hope better than before!)

I'm sorry this has happened to you. I would reply to anyone who sent such an e mail with kind words. Xx

This smacks of bystander apathy. Probably everyone assumes someone else will respond, or is waiting for someone else in the chain to respond first.

I think you are seriously overthinking this. Was it clear in the email that you were expecting a response? Perhaps they assumed it was For Information Only and are being discreet by not mentioning it as it was so personal?

I had a colleague with breast cancer. We all knew and were prepared to cover her work as required but not a word was said to her so she could focus on her job and not feel uncomfortable.

I also recently asked for someone to share on my behalf what was happening in my life so that no one would ask me or talk about it. Everyone was fabulous and not one of them talked to me about it.

Managers where I work routinely take 7-10 days to see and respond to emails. Yes, it is a pain. Yes, it impedes the speed of decision making.
If we need urgent managerial decisions we have to message them on Teams.
In the meantime, please don't feel weird, judged or as if they don't like you. I can't imagine feeling you had over shared and chances are they are ignorant rather than deliberately hurtful.

I think this & also agree that perhaps it hasn’t been read by all.

You don’t mention when you sent the email but I would hope you get a reply next week or someone at least mentions it. If not I think it’s appalling of a SLT.

I will also add that people like to deal with these kind of circumstances differently. Some people prefer to throw themselves into work/other stuff whereas others prefer to talk about things. It could also be that it was interpreted that you would prefer not to discuss it as you mentioned it via email, rather than personally.

Whatever the case OP, you’ve really done nothing wrong & absolutely have nothing to feel embarrassed about.

I hope next week is better for you (if you choose to go in).

On a lighter note, I once had an employee drop his trousers to show me a bad knee……now that is over sharing 🙈

Wishing you the best for whatever you decide x

That's just not true

If you're worried about breaching your family members data, I'd say that they wouldnt raise an issue or ever find out the exact words you used? Plus I don't think saying 'my granddad has prostate cancer' for example is particularly outing? Please don't worry about that side of it.
They are clearly too busy to bother to respond or don't have an adequate response yet. It's nothing against you saying what you said about family illness, I'm sure.

My heart goes out to you. You are feeling very emotional right now, of course you are. So you’re likely to feel very fragile.
Now is the time to put yourself first, put your physical, mental and emotional health first.
I wonder if you could speak to your doctor or practice nurse?
You may be best served by taking some time off work.

Do you have any holiday time owing? It's worth checking because not all employers are upfront about your entitlement when once you have given notice.
My best wishes to you.

That's definitely not oversharing. Oversharing would be talking in graphic detail about your hysterectomy or sending a dick pic or something.

If I got an email like that about someone's family member's health, I wouldn't see it as a big deal, but obviously it is to you because it's part of your world. Some people also don't know how to reply to things like that. Others may find it triggering because of their own experiences, family issues, health issues etc and have their own stuff going on.

From a work perspective, I would gently follow up on the email and mention that you haven't heard back from anyone yet and need some help.

From a life perspective, I would find someone to talk to about the situation as it's clearly upsetting you.

It's not about work, and thinking it is is just your brain's way of redirecting from the real problem as a coping mechanism.

From a work perspective, I would gently follow up on the email and mention that you haven't heard back from anyone yet and need some help.

From a life perspective, I would find someone to talk to about the situation as it's clearly upsetting you.

It's not about work, and thinking it is is just your brain's way of redirecting from the real problem as a coping mechanism.

This is excellent advice.

It doesn't seem appropriate to me, at least, that this should be framed as colleagues 'helping you out' with the project. You are leaving and a manager should be reallocating the work after negotiation with those in a position to do it. It shouldn't be left to you to find someone to step in and I can imagine how resentful I'd feel if a colleague expected me to absorb her work as a favour. Please ask your manager to organise this, OP. It's not your job — literally.

Perhaps it would be an idea to stop thinking in terms of it all being about you, for a moment, and consider what your departure will mean to them. I have had periods in hideous high-stress jobs when I would have found it difficult to find much sympathy for a colleague who was leaving — particularly if I was expected to take over their work as well as my own.

I can empathise. In May 2020 I was working on a Covid response team in IT. Everything by email or Teams not face to face (we weren't frontline or anything like that). I emailed the team I was working closely with, about 10 people, to answer a question going round and also to mention that I was having some time off as my Dad had days possibly weeks to live. It wasn't said in a dramatic way (not that it should matter) but just delivering the facts. I think 2 of the 10 people responded to me afterwards (pretty sure they were the only 2 women in the group actually). Perhaps they didn't read it, perhaps they didn't know how to respond, perhaps they were simply dicks.

I’m SMT in a charity. I’ve worked in some very caring and empathetic organisations and I’ve worked in some that are very cold (usually those with a load of statutory funding that consequentially operate like public sector).

I agree with those saying this comes down to the culture in the organisation. I know that if this was my colleague I would read that email and I would immediately pick up the phone to check in on you and so would other SMT colleagues.

I hope your family member is okay and once things improve I would recommend looking for a new role within an organisation with a more caring and inclusive culture.

I've worked in the charity/3rd sector and honestly, I assumed it would be kind and supportive due to the nature of the work - oh my gosh not the case!!
I would imagine that either a) they don't know what to say (also unlikely to be trained in supporting colleagues, perhaps they've not had mental health first aid and inclusivity training) so they feel awkward and think silence is better than saying the wrong thing
B) they're a busy, overworked bunch who've actually not even read the email fully, might be behind on the chain and can't face reading several emails to catch up
C) maybe they're bell ends.
Don't feel ashamed, this is a "them" problem not a you problem. I remember sharing my miscarriage at work because i thought it was important we talk about it (I was told I wasn't "upbeat and cheery" enough on a marketing video, needless to say, I wasn't feeling super upbeat). Similar to you, I got radio silence bar one lovely girl sending a nice text. I think sectors where there's limited budget results in people being over worked, under trained in supporting colleagues, a lack of HR/employee support (for example the large organisations in the private sector will have MH first aiders, free counselling, free employee advice lines) and ultimately it makes them appear uncaring and unpleasant to work in. I'm sure it's not all of them, but I've done 5 or 6 big corporates and 3 charities/not for profits and bizarrely the corporates were a million times kinder/more supportive. Just keep focusing on yourself, whatever it is you've got going on, and your future, not these people!

I find so many people in work environments like this. I work in LA and it's very similar to this - can even be on a teams chat and people won't reply or even do a reaction. It's so odd. This is why I always respond even if I don't know the answer. I think people being ignorant has got ten times worse in every way since Covid.