Disclosed something too personal at work

[Yogablockz]

I am a senior manager in the charity sector. Last week I disclosed some personal information over email to other members of the SMT. The information is about the health of a close family member, and I disclosed it because I need to step away from some of my responsibilities to deal with this personal situation.

no-one has responded to the email. I realise now I over shared and I am ashamed. I don’t use an email programme that allows you to recall emails, and the disclosure is part of a chain of emails with other information in it.

i am ashamed, embarrassed and also if im honest upset that not a single one of my colleagues wanted to offer a word of support. I am quitting this job but i don’t know how to get through the notice period.

any advice? Please be kind

They probably all think that you sent the message by mistake.
so are ignoring it

I also think you should go off sick as much as you can. Can you also flag that you’re surprised nobody replied about your email to your senior? Maybe you’ll get feedback that way.

Maybe they’re concerned that if they said, “I’m so sorry about your relative” they’d also have to step up to the work plate. So they’re resolutely ignoring your email instead. I genuinely reckon that it’s nothing personal. Although I understand that it’s disappointing and frustrating.

I don’t think you have anything to feel embarrassed about. In a previous job, my manager went off sick for a few weeks. When she returned, she sent an email to the team explaining that she’d been off sick with stress following organisational changes which had greatly increased her workload. I thought it was very brave of her to share that and I’m sure it made it easier for her staff to speak up when they were feeling overwhelmed themselves.

Sometimes people don't know what to say so they remain silent.

I'd imagine they're thinking what a sad situation for you but are not sure what to say.

I really don't think it's because they don't like you OP.

Sending you good wishes.

@Yogablockz I take it you were already leaving and haven’t given in your notice as a result of the email about family illness?

Just wanted to say - it’s not you, it’s them. Try not to over think this.

Colleagues are not like they used to be. Everything is #BeKind on the surface but there is no depth to interactions these days. Nobody cares. Nobody even listens. If you talk to most people you can get one or two sentences out and they shift the conversation to them and their issues or health. A lot of my colleagues rarely say hello these days. Something weird has happened last few years.

Agree - I would not interpret this as you over-sharing, but that your colleagues sound awful and are trying to avoid potential workload. Don't let this affect your self-esteem. You didn't do anything wrong.

This totally.

How many people did you send the email to? As another person mentioned half of them won't have read it in full. Some will have read it and not known what to say and might still be thinking about a response. Others won't know what to say so they say nothing, others will be waiting for someone else to respond first.

Please don't beat yourself up you have done nothing wrong. People are just very busy and at best skim read emails.

I am really sorry for your situation and I am wondering if because of your situation you are having heightened anxiety. You haven't over shared you have been honest with people and that is something you should give yourself credit for. My heart goes out to you 💙.

I wouldn’t take it personally. One of my colleagues who I do like went through something tragic recently and I’m afraid it made me feel overwhelmed and I didn’t approach her to give my condolences for several months. I’m aware my response sucked but it wasn’t personal to her so much as my own trauma.

Also when I have been stronger/better I have been professionally supportive and a listening ear for colleagues I don’t particularly like who are going through a difficult time - just because it is the kind things to do.

So I really don’t think you should assume they don’t like you or that you have over shared.

i really don’t think you have any reason to feel embarrassed but I do understand why you do. You exposed some thing deeply personal and traumatic and it was not acknowledged by your team. I think people really don’t know what to say in these situations and wait for someone else to speak up.

My son was recently, as in this time last month, in hospital critically ill on life support following post surgery complications. I noticed that lots of people just didn’t know what to say when I told them and would quickly steer the conversation in a different direction. Even now he's much better but still a long way from recovery people seem to downplay what he went through.

if you’re leaving as a result of this incident it might be good to wait a few days or so to think it through.

I don’t understand what you mean?

How could any company/business/workplace survive if hardly anyone read emails??

How many people were in the email chain (sorry if I've missed that information) and was there a lot of other important work priorities in there?

Do you work remotely?
Is there a possibility that people may want to speak to you personally about your situation rather than in an email?

Your email was sent last week, was that late in the week so there hasn't been a lot of time?
Could other staff be trying to arrange the work things contained in the email?

I'm being generous and wondering if there are things going on behind the scenes that you aren't aware of that will ultimately be helpful for you.
It is shit that nobody has contacted you but it's hard to know the dynamic of the staff without more background.

Are you planning to leave because of this or was leaving on the cards anyway?

You’ve done the right thing by flagging your personal circumstances and potential impact on your workload. Having not received acknowledgement, I’d forward the thread to your most immediate line manager within that group, and say you’d like to schedule a conversation regarding next steps. You’ve provided the context; now focus their attention on the implications. If it’s brought up, say you felt it necessary but awkward to discuss such a private matter, and would prefer to focus on the work-related elements. Don’t resign!! I hope you are better supported.

I’m sorry that you are going through this and feel so alone. Unfortunately you seem to have crossed wires re expectations of friends and colleagues. I assume if you had spoken to one or two colleagues (that you are closest to) in person, you would have had a different response. Also, (and I am not assuming, I genuinely don’t know) if you have form for being disconnected and distant for professional reasons, people will offer you the same energy.

Sorry about this, you sound to be having a bad time

Most likely people haven't even read it. But if they did, that's shit of them not to reach out

I sent an email to someone today asking, this date, or that date?? They replied 'ok thanks'

😒

Don't give it another thought, you've done nothing wrong.

Agreed.

The same happened to me. People i workrd with for years. I could literally have died and they wouldnt have known. Its upsetting but its company or team culture not you.

I’m sorry to hear you are going through a hard time.

It comes down to the type of manager you are. If you are a manager that shuts the door, sits behind a desk with little interaction and sends tons of emails, it can be uncomfortable for staff to have been put in that position.

The bottom line is, your staff may be feeling too disconnected from you, to communicate back. Maybe it is a good idea to discuss your experience with a career coach.

@Yogablockz you are being so very hard on yourself. Please take a pause. You have done nothing wrong. It sounds like you are overwhelmed with shame. That's not because you should be. It is likely an emotion that is more common for you and allows you to blame yourself in hard situations - for some people that makes them feel temporarily 'safer' and that if you do the 'right thing' in all circumstances nothing bad will happen. I promise you, this isn't your fault and you don't need to feel ashamed.

1. I'm sorry to hear about the health struggles of someone close to you. You are welcome to share that with friends/colleagues/family. There is nothing that makes that inappropriate especially when needing to notify work colleagues of anticipated changes.
2. In group emails sometimes everyone assumes others/everyone else has replied (not replied all).
3. Sometimes when given a task people are slow to reply so your news mixed with the shift to their responsibilities/task could have delayed their response.
4. They should have sent supportive messages.

Are you quitting because of this email or you were planning to quit anyway?

There's nothing to hide about. You are human. Imagine if a colleague sent the email you did, would you think they should be embarrassed and ashamed? I'm sure a kind person like yourself would be nothing but supportive.

Take some time for you. You really are doing really well in hard circumstances and it's really going to be okay.

Did the close family member agree to you sharing their medical information?

Happened to me last year OP.
I wrote an email to two colleagues I thought I was close to and could trust, outlining the pros and cons of a decision I needed to make at work and asking for their advice. Pros and cons contained personal info.
Met with a wall of silence.
No advice given, no response, no mention of it whatsoever.
It stung a little and I did feel stupid.
I assume they did not want to advise as ultimately it was a decision I needed to make (I made the wrong one incidentally) or it was awkward as I'd overstepped/been too open/exposed my vulnerability.
I'd have responded myself had it been the other way round even if it was just verbal recognition and a brew. In fact, when one of them needed some emotional support this year, I was there for them.
You cannot control other people's responses OP and it reflects on them more than it does you. x

I remember my DH sharing with a me an all-office email one of his colleagues had sent after she'd left. It was a lovely, beautifully written email and he wrote back and wished her well etc. She was well liked as far as I know and there were no issues, but she wrote back and said he was the only person who wrote back in the whole office! I think in a group email people can assume others will respond and not do anything. Very hurtful though but they may be more oblivious/self absorbed than overtly being mean.

I would agree that it’s the thing about asking people to take something on. You absolutely shouldn’t feel ashamed - it is very brave and your colleagues should have the guts to respond even if they cant help with the work.

They sound awful, and it's rather disturbing that they work in the charity sector.

You have nothing to be ashamed of, or embarrassed about. They should feel ashamed for not offering you any support.

I hope everything works out for you.