Disclosed something too personal at work

[Yogablockz]

I am a senior manager in the charity sector. Last week I disclosed some personal information over email to other members of the SMT. The information is about the health of a close family member, and I disclosed it because I need to step away from some of my responsibilities to deal with this personal situation.

no-one has responded to the email. I realise now I over shared and I am ashamed. I don’t use an email programme that allows you to recall emails, and the disclosure is part of a chain of emails with other information in it.

i am ashamed, embarrassed and also if im honest upset that not a single one of my colleagues wanted to offer a word of support. I am quitting this job but i don’t know how to get through the notice period.

any advice? Please be kind

Yes, laughing at that myself!

Some people seem to live in a different world to the rest of us.

I’d reply all with a follow up asking if anyone got your email. Shame on them, you’ve done nothing wrong.

Sorry to hear your family member isn’t well, I hope they’ll be okay.

I think sometimes we forget that just because people are friendly with us at work, that doesn’t mean they’re our friends. It’s shocking that not one person responded but maybe they felt that if they responded and gave well wishes to your family member, they’d have to acknowledge the task in hand and maybe they didn’t want to do it?

Who knows but you shouldn’t feel ashamed. Try and act as if nothing’s happened and remind yourself that you’re leaving in X amount of time

You’ve done nothing wrong. We aren’t robots. Empathy and humanity is what makes good work places thrive. You team show woeful emotional intelligence.

all workers have some sort of life outside work and from time to time need support. It’s normal and a good team/company will do that , if nothing else because the cost of recruitment and retraining new staff is not always efficient.

Emulating a cold, emotionless -almost sociopathic attitude to humans is only one way of acting/working. Given most of us are not sociopaths it isn’t actually best practice.

Even if I didn’t want extra responsibility I would respond to the human level eg so sorry to hear this. Not sure how but we’ll cover it. Good luck with it. If you have an exit interview I would raise it and suggest all of them need to go on an emotional intelligence course !!

hold your head up high and don’t change who you are. You didn’t over share. They are callous.

Nah I don't think you overshared and I can see why you did as you wanted to justify potential absence.

Maybe they didn't feel the need to respond - either they don't know what to say or feel that you might not want to talk about it.

Orrrr they've not read it.

Don't feel shame for speaking your truth.

I think sometimes people don’t know what to say either which might contribute. Obviously it’s often worse to not say anything at all, though.

If you want something done ask someone directly. If you put a task on a group email, chances are that everyone will ignore it in the hope that one of the other people will pick it up.
Having said that, I wouldn’t ignore an email of this sort, I would at least acknowledge your situation.

Well it’s a shame none of them replied. I personally would never not respond to an email like that. I’d have either sent an email privately from that chain to say I’m here if you want a coffee / chat or I’d have given you a ring. I find it bizarre none of them did that. It takes 2 mins to respond to an email.

All the SMT charity workers i’ve known have been cold and ruthless, I don’t understand your expectations. Being employed a charity doesn’t mean you’ll be soft and sympathetic.

I think you did nothing wrong, and am not surprised you did not get a reply, you were stating why you could not meet some of your responsibilities, and you had a valid reason why. If i had received that mail, I would have noted the information purely from a work point of view, and then noted the reasons why, and understood that it was a pretty valid reason.

Your email probably did not come across as an invitation for sympathy or empathy, just an informative email to advise those that needed to know what was going on.

There really is nothing to get through, but you now know that those around know what is happening in your personal life that is having a knock on effect on your work life and can factor that in.

You did the right thing and achieved what you wanted to.

You do not come across as writing the email for a reaction, more to inform.

In my team my manager has never really asked about quite tough things that have gone on for a protracted time in my life. She looks visibly uncomfortable if the topic comes up so I tend to outline the impact in a factual way - I won’t be in on X as I am X. She is actually caring but super shit at talking about that stuff and I know her well enough to understand this. She is a bit quirky and stressed and doesn’t react how I would expect eg God that sounds tough…. You could have some like that, someone who didn’t read the email, someone who meant to reply properly and personally, and some horrors. Either way it is not you. It is them.

I am sorry things are hard and your colleagues haven’t had an appropriate response. You haven’t over shared - they are dodging the work and being unkind even if deliberately.

I'm afraid I agree with this. It's awful but true, trying to get sympathy from some of the ones I've known would be like trying to get blood from a stone!

Don’t feel bad unfortunately many people are arseholes. I work for a charity that talks values and behaviours every day, but management are crap and totally unempathic they would have not responded to something like this either. It is them not you.
Keep your head high.

Would this not be something you would raise with your line manager ? Then if not resolved speak to HR? As it's about issues affecting your mental health which is covered under discrimination. People may have massive workloads and not be able to pick this up. If everyone replied, so sorry, sounds terrible, here for support, but didn't offer to pick the work up, would you not be feeling even worse?

Other scenario is they may be trying to work out where to find the resource to cover things? Is the work that you need covered clear in it's boundaries? There are options like offer someone additional responsibilities pay for a while. Is it a close family member? Is there any cover under your HR policy for that.

Sorry if sounds unsympathetic, I am. I am also aware how harsh charity sector can be.

But equally if I as a manager emailed all my other managers and said something similar, it wouldn't be the right process. SMT would never allow other people to respond and pick up my work. You can't have everyone in the organisation doing that and other people picking up work as would be chaos, favoritism etc. Normally what sometimes happens is things get reprioritised, deadline may get extended. Or you request reasonable adjustments temporarily.

It's not to be ashamed about in terms of asking for help. But I think you now need to follow it up and ask HR for a meeting to discuss options. I do think it's bad no one responded but what were you asking for? Someone to come forward or a meeting to discuss? Who does that meeting need to be with?

Have they maybe not responded as they don’t wish to take on the extra responsibility? Especially as you’re leaving, meaning they could get landed with it?

This. There is no reason on earth, or dizzy height of management, that can excuse the lack of humanity your colleagues have shown. They are a bunch of selfish bastards and if I were you I'd change jobs as soon as practicable. Wishing you well.

I’m sorry you’ve had no response to your messages. When my daughter was younger she had a few dramatic health episodes where ambulances needed to be called, it was traumatic. I messaged a group of mum friends and also another friend after the first episode and nobody replied. I felt so ashamed that I had shared it and thought there must be something wrong with me, but now I realise there was no need to feel ashamed, if anything it was on them for not having had the decency to reply. I’ve distanced myself from those people now. I’m sorry to hear you’ve had such a difficult time, you have no need to feel ashamed.

You have done nothing wrong!

I have often seen colleagues share personal issues like bereavement or illness/needing surgery and mention that they need to take time off because of it. It is a completely normal and human thing to do.

I must say as someone who also works in the charity sector I have been shocked many times at how the sector treats its employees and how colleagues interact: bullying, undermining, complete lack of support for people who are unwell/disabled, back-stabbing...

It is an absolute shame that a sector that always shouts about how caring and compassionate it is can in reality be very different behind the scene.

I have a long term health condition and I was really ill last year (life-threatening) and needed some sick leave for almost two months. No support whatsoever from my manager and I was asked to ignore my GP's recommendations on my first day back at work. Occupational Health thankfully reminded them of their responsibilities and told them to put in place reasonable adjustments. Colleagues also showed little support or compassion.

Don't quit over this but now you know that none of your colleagues have your back...

Seat down with your line manager and discuss the fact that you need some time off/reduce your responsibilities and agree on a plan with them.

'@SlebBB
All the SMT charity workers i’ve known have been cold and ruthless, I don’t understand your expectations. Being employed a charity doesn’t mean you’ll be soft and sympathetic.'

Really? You don't understand the expectation that people show basic human decency when a colleague is having a tough time?

Also charities rely on people supporting them through donations, grants and so on and to do that they make a big song and dance about their values and ethics and how they are on the scene to support vulnerable and disadvantage people to get their funding.

Charities expect the frontline staff they employ to be caring and compassionate people. This should also apply to its senior management or they are conning the public into financing an organisation that in fact as the same values as the worst of corporate/private companies...

I often don't have time to read emails and many action requests are through Teams. Can you follow up with a message on another platform focusing purely on looking for volunteers? Go to you manager?

You haven't done anything wrong. That's a normal thing to share. I'm currently having to step back a bit at work and asking people to relinquish some of my additional roles and my colleagues have been less than helpful. I find it very hurtful, I don't feel like they're team players and wonder if they just see me as a donkey who should shut up and always pick up the slack. My need for having to take a step back has nothing to do with mine nor anyone's health, so I can imagine this is very hurtful. You're not asking for too much but they're acting like it is.

Agree 1000% with this being a charity sector issue too. I've been treated appalingly for a number of years by a manager who claims they are really supportive, but when I've asked for actual things am met with huge resistance, unless I show vulnerability to say what I am struggling with health wise, in which case the narrative then becomes that I told them I was struggling to cope. Its so fucking wierd.

I also have to add am considering leaving charity sector over it. And I have had a highly successful career in it.

Speak for yourself. I take a dim view and make my feelings known when people don't read mine at work. It's part of the job.

To OP don't feel bad, it probably means little to them hence no reply 😔

Thought the same! I guess it depends on the job but my colleagues and I have to read and send emails as it's a big part of the job!

Hi OP, sorry you’re going through a hard time.

Head held high and a secret ‘fuck them’ attitude (not passive aggressive or hostile) is how you’ll get through.

Make lists of what you need to handover and do it professionally but it doesn’t have to involve long face to face discussions or even knowing who to handover to.

wfh as much as possible, if possible. Camera off in online meetings if that’s not rude in your industry. I wouldn’t speak to any of them about anything personal ever again.

Breathing exercises and something to help relax you each morning can really help and remember it’s not long! And it’s Friday today :) Good luck