Colleague filling me with dread

[memepo]

I work in a small team. There's always been friction with one woman (she talks behind people's backs, is generally not trustworthy and shares her rather extreme opinions loudly).

She is older than me but less experienced. I was brought in to make some changes, which has clearly ruffled her feathers. It's been 8 months since I joined.

Anyway for a few weeks things have been brewing. I've tried to distance myself but remain professional. I'm engaging in a lot less chit-chat, focusing on getting the job done. I also have been taking myself out for lunch to avoid any conversations.

Last week she came up to me, guns blazing, demanding that I explain what makes her think I am so much better than her that I don't even have to speak to her now.

I went immediately to my line manager who had a meeting with us both to mediate. I don't trust this woman and I came home to 3 texts from her asking what makes me think I have the right to instigate a meeting and 'tell on her'.

I haven't responded to the texts and intend on telling my line manager tomorrow. I feel like this is only going to get worse and I'm feeling a sense of dread in going into work in the morning.

I don't really know what the purpose of this post is, I just need somewhere to offload!

Thank you, this is really useful. I will check out the instagram page.

I need some responses to have on my tongue as when these things happen I get so flustered!

@HelplessSoul I’ve called the police with regard to your unnecessarily aggressive posts

(not really)

can i suggest you ask the woman out for coffee/ lunch
try to have a conversation
you have as you said been bough in to make changes so obviously some people won’t be happy
ask her about her thoughts and opinions on things
make her feel listened to and valid

you don’t have to follow through on it

but give her the airtime she thinks she deserves foe now

Your manager has to take some responsibility here. It seems like they’ve known about this problem for a long time and have left you to deal with it/take the brunt. I’d tell them that I’m working from home for the foreseeable until the bully is removed.

Yep, you're getting dicked with being the thing that gets her sacked.

Defo don't go out to lunch with her. She's knackering your MH, don't give her any airtime.

It would knacker mine too and I'm pretty sorted usually.

Exactly, I've been exhausted this week from dealing with her and worrying about what will come next. Normally I'm very productive but I've been all over the place, unable to focus and never getting anything finished in one go.

If you were brought in to make changes and she doesn't like it, all you can do is go to your line manager for them to deal with. You just need to carry on as you are and grin and bear it. Maybe just block her on your personal phone and if she questions it just say you have no issue with her, and feel it's the other way round and won't tolerate being abused on your personal phone, just stay professional.

I worked with someone exactly like this, she really was difficult to work with. She would twist your words if you tried to be nice and jump down your neck if you have to say anything linked to her changing things etc. I was her line manager, it was hell. She told me things like how she could do my job standing on her head and try and tell me people didn’t like me. I finally went to my line manager and we went through this same process of mediation etc. and I did the same as you, avoided contact unless I needed to. Tried to have a witness or an email trail. Once she realised she wasn’t getting a rise out of me, she seemed to calm down. Amazingly, after leaving that job and her behind, she contacted me asking for me to be her reference. She had clearly burnt so many bridges, I was one of her best options.

Sadly some people have no idea of the impact their personality or the way they speak has on other people.

I would keep doing what your doing and hopefully she will back off, if not keep seeking support from above.

Yes, report Dominoes! Log it with 101. They are probably doing it to other people.

OP I have been where you are and this ^^

Call the police? Dear god I hate the phrase snowflake but I think it's appropriate here. This is an HR matter, not a criminal one.

You're doing the right thing OP in escalating it all up to your manager. Keep doing your job, performing well, and ignore her as much as you can. One way or another she'll be dealt with.

Do not reply.

Screenshot the texts and send them to the manager, staying she is now harassing you on your own phone.

State how this bullying vendetta is making you feel. The mental and physical strain this is putting you under.

Speak to your union.

Check out your company's bullying and harassment policy and use their language in your written and spoken statements.

Record all relevant meetings, either over Zoom/Teams or on your phone.

Colleagues often have one another's personal phone numbers and will frequently communicate through text on work matters. A couple of irate texts does NOT constitute the sort of harrassment or scary invasion of privacy that the police will be remotely interested in. No threats have been made, no stalking has happened, no violence has happened.

Two grown ups in the workplace are not seeing eye to eye on how their jobs should be done. One of them is behaving calmly and professionally even thought it's making her uncomfortable, while the other is behaving like a defensive, tantrumming child who will probably get the sack soon.

What is the matter with people these days, that they can't tell the difference between this and actual criminal threats or harassment?

No wonder they have no time to deal with real crime, if people expect them to respond to this sort of stuff.

The OP should block this woman's number from her personal phone, to nip any communication outside of work in the bud. And management should put her on an official warning if she continues to behave unprofessionally. If she doesn't listen then she can be sacked and that will hopefully be the end of it.

If after all that, this woman starts 'upping the ante' as you say, to the point where it crosses a line from a stroppy workplace outbursts to criminal harassment or threatening behaviour, then it's time to call the police. Not now. You can't call the police for something that hasn't actually happened yet. They'd think you were absolutely mad if you went to them based on what's been described so far.

You have been professional and acted correctly. We are allowed to not like colleagues and keep them at a distance by going out for lunch, it is our free time. She has been bullying. I would have never given her my phone number. I had a colleague just like this while I was unwell and couldn't fight, so just took another job as my employers were also bullies. Your employers should be on your side.

If it helps at all, this isn't personal, she will be feeling like "changes" implies a criticism of what she'd been doing before (it probably is) and as a result is on attack mode as a way of defending herself. She sounds like a generally difficult character anyway so your management will understand the situation
Just stay calm, act professional, avoid any time alone with her and keep taking any larger acts of unprofessionalism from her to management (especially if its written down). It can help to keep a little diary of any incidents so you have good records of when she has behaved inapropriately.You may want to have a little look at any policies regarding bullying and harassment that your workplace has, just on the off-chance it continues or escalates and you want to ask for a formal investigation. Most workplaces take this very seriously and should be supportive and formally instigate disciplinary proceedings against her.

You are doing the right things

Block her number on your phone and whatsapp

Involve your manager in all communication with her so that they know what is going on

I know it's hard, but don't let her bully / intimidate you and if she continues raise a formal grievance

I've had to line manage someone like this op. It's her personality that's the issue.

Be cool. Don't react. Write everything down at the end of each day. Do tell your line manager.

Lodge a grievance.

Some people have personality disorders.

You don't need to have any responses apart from maybe,

"I don't think we should talk about this until you've calmed down"

Or

"Please stop talking to me like this, I find it very aggressive"

I'm starting to wonder if we've all worked with the same person 🤣

If done properly that's what Grey Rock is, calmly giving the most simple response possible so as not to fuel any emotional engagement but in a polite manner.

Oh I hadn’t understood that as when I’ve heard people saying they are using that technique they basically mean refusing to give any rise or response at all. Like a rock… 😆

No Grey Rock is being bland and ‘boring’ and not engaging in any drama or responding to any jabs. You kind of control your response so you don’t get dragged into a heightened energy on their terms. It’s minimal calm interaction.

The police are not going to come out because someone has had 3 or 4 stroppy texts, it would have to be a lot more than that and more than on 1 day