Meeting with manager is weird

[ohdeerohdear]

She documents our entire hour conversation. She makes notes against each action point in the weekly meeting and states whether I've met the deadline, when I sent an email, what I have specifically said in the meeting. When I was late and the reason given. I get sent a copy of the meeting 'report' afterwards. I find this really weird and like I'm being 'attacked' because it quite often reveals my shortfalls rather than highlighting my achievements. Never any praise. Is this a normal management style?

I completely relate to this.

I've read your update about her checking your route to work.... this is an unhealthy level of control and a massive lack of trust.

Is your line manager likely to be looking for a promotion? She might be using you as an example.

If she's likely to move on soon then stick it out, otherwise I'd say cut your losses and move on!

If you don't want to leave, try having a chat with her and explaining the impact her style is having on you.

Yes but actually work really hard. I come in on my day sometimes. I don't mean to be late or miss a deadline - I have to prioritise which I've told them. There's too much on my plate with this job. More work than time available.

She's told me that I need to work over the weekend and on my day off. This is a ridiculous amount of pressure.
Also, I really like a bit of praise... she even came to watch me in action and I got nothing but criticism and action points back.

Speak to the next person up or HR

I have spoken to her manager already. Fell on deaf ears. What would HR do?

No you don’t. You are not contracted to do that. If you start doing so it could be considered that you accept that as a change to your contract. When she says this be clear and asks her to note it down that you will not be working those extra hours.

also ask her straight out for praise for your work. If she doesn’t ask her to note it down that you have made that request.

join a union of you haven’t. This is likely to turn sour.

Tell her that's not going to happen.

Email her line manager and confirm you won't be working weekends.

On the other points... escalate it and make it their problem.

I can't complete task X during my regular hours, if you'd like me to prioritise this please advise which task I should postpone.

What?! Totally and utterly ridiculous.

I would start responding on email so things like, "need to work over the weekend and on your day off" are documented.

I'd be declining that very kind offer of additional work and sticking to my contracted hours.

What's going on here? How senior is she? Is she ambitious and looking for promotion? What sort of role do you do? Are you at the bottom of the pecking order?

I'd be looking for another job. Sorry OP, I think this one is dead in the water unless you want a massive fight on your hands to get her off your back.

Maybe they could be leading rather than documenting.

Right, I have responded to her email about the meeting report and copied her manager in. I've basically listed all the aspects of the meeting notes she's omitted, including the conversation about working weekends and my unpaid day off. I've requested praise for a specific written task. I've also asked her to refer to the positive elements of my own evaluation of a practical aspect of my job that she observed and then only criticised. Hope that makes sense. Anyway, I've remained professional but if she's including nitty gritty about the stuff she wants me to improve, she can also include the stuff I've done well to balance it out. Thanks for your advice folks.

I had a manager like this. I felt micro managed and like I could do no right. I think there’s a balance between a hands off manager and a manager like this.

Yep she makes me feel shit.

The times this usually happens is when they are performance managing someone. Or they themselves are being performance managed.

Could be in this instance she's just had a very bad experience with someone else.

I think you're right to be wary but more digging needed - either ask her directly or ask a trusted colleague if they receive similar.

I want to quit. I also want a divorce too. I think I have to keep my employment for a 'better' divorce. I don't know. Feeling very low right now to be honest.

Apols in advance for essay. I have experience of this

Firstly, Bloody well done for emailing. 👏👏👏

This is a crazy and totally abnormal level of micro management.
Unless you are on a PIP and don't realise it, this is the most extreme micromanaging I've ever heard of or seen and I absolutely applaud you for lasting 6 months.
You are clearly a strong person.

My advice is:

Going through separation / divorce/marriage difficulties and working in a role like this is a recipe for disaster mental health wise.
Your line manager will not change and so the job sit. needs to get resolved asap.

On that basis...

1. Get your CV done this weekend (fuck the working weekends for free)
2. Get out there and get looking

Note:Your aim should be go to 5 interviews by X (end of march/ April) something like that. This feels psychologically way better than "get a new job".

1. Get numb to her and try to switch off/ don't give her headspace while also making your manager the big bosses problem while you are still there.
2. Do at least 2 things per week for you (trip to fave coffee shop, bath, gym class, massage nails, long walk in park)
3. THEN tackle relationship issues.

Remember 2 things

1. Miserable jobs are an almost universal experience. Almost everyone I know said retrospectively it was good for them in that their new job was way better / more money AND it taught them not to put up with shit / you take care of yourself because the company won't.
2. Sometimes the only way out is through.

Accept you will have to go through it, it will happen, and know afterwards life will be better (this is mainly re divorce but applies to job a bit too)

I told both these things to my DH when he was miserable and micromanaged as his confidence was in the toilet 2 years ago. A year later he told me he hadn't believed me idiot! But I had been right. His new job pays £10k more and he is soooo much happier.

Good luck OP.💐💐💐

What a lovely message to wake up - thank you so much.

And thank you to others who have posted.

Ugh I had a manager just like this. She would have a print out at our 1:1s and we would have to go through it point by point - it was excruciating. Micromanagement at its finest. To be fair to her I was her first direct report and she was inexperienced and doing everything "by the book". Is your manager inexperienced? Safe to say I found a new role within the company fairly quick. We had an issue over something else that required mediation and in one of our sessions i brought up the fact that I hated the way she went through this list at her 1.1s, can't we just have a conversation etc, and hated the way she saved feedback up for these meetings so it felt like an attack (I rarely got much developmental feedback anyway) and for it to work best it needs to be given in the moment. She agreed not to use it but they were all virtual going forward and the only thing she did differently was not send me a copy I could tell she was still just following the points and filling it all in on her side. Sorry but it's not great management. I have a great manager now and for our 1:1s we go for a walk and a chat!

I really admire you for tackling it instead of stewing. I really hope you get a good result. Might not be immediate but nothing will change unless you try, so bravo.

Way over the top. Embodiment of a micromanager.

Sounds like a micro manager who has been promoted beyond her ability & confidence levels. They tend to have obvious favourites as well. Has she been a manager long?

I bet she’s not documenting that bit, is she? “Told employee that I expect her to work 7 days per week, including on her day off, to total 24 hours of unpaid overtime each week, in order to stay on top of excessive workload”.

Perhaps start asking her to add those bits in as well? Just to ensure the record is accurate of course.

Though honestly I’d just look for another job.

Answering this from the point of view of a manager: I'd act like this if I had a huge performance concern, and if I was preparing to take action on it. I would start documenting the employee's shortcomings so that when I engage HR to plan an exit, they have sufficient evidence.

You've done the right thing by responding to the manager's paper trail with your own - if the manager documents every move you make, then you should do the same. But be very careful on how you come across in these written communications. If you've done amazingly well in a project, instead of complaining that nobody praised you (which sounds a bit needy?), you should state the facts: "this project was a big success because I did X, y and z."

In a nutshell: if your manager is documenting your shortcomings, you go the other way, documenting your successes in the same format.

Good luck!