Colleague takes over all conversations

[Jess239]

I don't mean this in an insensitive/offensive way but a colleague I work very closely with is very loud and takes over each and every conversation to the point where I can't even put a word in.

This is particularly difficult when meeting with other colleagues, as everyone is racing to speak when she decides to pause for a couple of seconds. Meetings take longer than they should. Although she is lovely, helpful and is relitively good at what she does. I have to change my communication style altogether and find myself speaking very fast just to get my idea/answer across before she takes over again. This often leads to me stuttering and I then feel embarassed and shut up. In most meetings, I find myself nodding most of the time as that's all I can do unless I interrupt. She has no patience when someone else is talking either.

Because she does pretty much all of the talking, it makes it look like she does all the work where in reality this is not the case when we are both working on a project.

She is already aware and often points out that she talks too much and is very loud. So, it's not a conversation I'd like to have with her.

Any ideas would be helpful. Thank you.

Do the meetings have a chair?

The person leading the meeting should put in place some basic rules of engagement and or use phrases such as Thank you Susan, now Jenny can you expand on that —- or something of that ilk to shut one person down and give the space to the next speaker

When she acknowledges she talks too much she is really saying - she won’t change or adjust because she has told you that’s her style
How about saying …’sorry Susan if I could have my say’ you are not actually sorry but it looks polite!

She clearly has a high opinion of herself - best of British

Could she be struggling with ADHD?
Interrupting and talking too much is a symptom of ADHD and can be very difficult for the person.
They often feel ashamed of how they are and go over it afterwards.
Maybe you could

I want to know the answer!

Most of the meetings are online.

The meeting organisers try to do this, however it seems like they get frustrated with her too. She literally never shuts up. I know it sounds horrible of me saying this and I really don't mean it to come across this way.

Sometimes colleagues organise meetings with her and then cancel. Some also ignore her emails.

Possibly.
I'm at a point where I just let her take over as I'm yet to figure a way I could sucessfully have some sort of input in the meetings/conversations.

Hi Susan I wondered if we could have 15 minutes to discuss a few things which I’ve been thinking about…
I’ve noticed recently that I’m struggling a bit in meetings to get my point across and feel like I’m stuttering a lot. Sometimes I feel a bit intimidated as you come across so confident and full of ideas! I’m trying to develop this area of my skill set and I wonder if you’d be kind enough to let me take the lead in the next meeting? I often feel a bit flustered at first so it would really help me if we could agree that I wouldn’t be interrupted for the 1st 10 minutes so I can really have a go at it.

If she’s generally nice this will likely work. If she’s a nasty piece of work who doesn’t give a shit about anyone else you will need to be EXTREMELY direct

It sounds like this really is her problem and she needs someone more senior to speak to her about it.

Can you talk to her line manager? It doesn’t sound like you’ll be the first to raise it.

Thank you so much. I will try this and hope it will work.

She is already aware and often points out that she talks too much and is very loud. So, it's not a conversation I'd like to have with her

Surely that makes it easier? I would start saying yes, it's hard to get a word in edgeways and you could dial it down.

Ask her if she has heard of a technique called Active Listening and send her a link to an online course so she can get better at it

Also point out that she was given 2 ears and only one mouth for a good reason.

If meetings are online, ask the chair to mute her, or ask the chair to implement a system where people put their hands up and are asked to speak.

I don’t think you should write to her beseeching for some time and pretending the problem is your lack of confidence.

Who is her manager? Feed back to them. Put in the positives and then make it clear that her communication style is a problem for the whole team.

Don't know about the colleague in question but I have ADHD and work with an insufferable person like this. My ADHD means that every time I'm interrupted I lose my train of thought and it's very frustrating.

I don't interrupt anyone else though 💁🏽‍♀️

What I would do (because I’m gobby!) is say at the start of each meeting. Can you (your line manager) go round the room asking each person if they had anything they wanted to say before the meeting agenda began.
My boss does this and it’s a great way for everyone to feel heard and included. She then rattles through the agenda and thanks everyone as an indicator that the meeting is over.
Anyone who wants to stay behind and bend her ear usually does but most of us just leave at that point.

Mute her while she is talking

If they're meetings you organise, maybe make them as short as possible. Then you can start by emphasising that as it's a short meeting, and you want to get through everything everyone wants to say, you'll go around who is on the call. And go to her last

If it’s a chaired meeting, you can ask everyone to read the materials and send in a note of where they want to contribute, and run the meeting accordingly. That would be the best. If it’s not possible you have to channel your inner primary school teacher

‘Thanks Catherine, I’m going to talk now.

‘Catherine I’m still talking, I’ll let you know when I’m done

Thanks Catherine, I can see Bill has something to say here, so let’s hear from him and then Vanessa

With kindness you can’t just do nothing and expect it to change

Be in charge of the invite. The host can mute her.

You have weak management. Somebody should have had a gentle word in hear ear a long time ago. Pick this up with management after the meeting each time and encourage your colleagues to do the same.

If the meetings are online can you use the raise hand button? Then if they interrupt say politely but firmly "sorry [insert name] I had not finished speaking. I will let you know when I have" and make a point of saying that every time you are interrupted. Eventually she will be conditioned to stop dominating proceedings.

I gave a colleague like this too. Most of the time I just don’t even bother trying to talk

"I'd like to add something here please".

"Susan, I haven't finishing speaking yet, please let me finish".

You need to be way more blunt with people like this. If your chair is ineffective then you could speak up.

"We haven't had a chance to hear from Y yet, Y, do you have anything you'd like to add?"

"Susan, please give Y a chance to speak" (if she interrupts).

I read this thread fearing it was me, although it seems not. I struggle to know whether I'm interrupting too much - my brain gets overexcited and wants to say stuff. I've got quite a few adhd-like symptoms, so it might be related to that.

You say she's lovely and already acknoweledges that she talks too much, so it must be something she struggles to control "in the moment", rather than being deliberate, selfish or uncaring. I'd say to her that you love working on projects with her but would really like to present things more equally to stake holders during meetings, as you find it hard to get your voice heard, and ask her if she has any ideas how you could do that together. You could suggest more formal ways to divide it, e.g. you reach present one half of the results, and stay silent during the other half (or stay silent until explicitly invited to speak).

Really what's needed is for somebody to say "for fuck's sakes Susan, would you just shut up for a minute and let someone else speak?"

Well this colleague doesn't struggle to know. In the OP: She is already aware and often points out that she talks too much and is very loud.

The woman I work with is the same. She talks nonstop and then when it's my turn to speak she goes 'oh yes can I just say this, sorry I know I'm interrupting you, but you just reminded me of this' and ploughs on.

She's just a self-adsorbed, self-important, insufferable human.

Respectfully, fuck that. The problem is her, not you! I had a similar thing with a (very lovely, well intended) male colleague and I would just say "Martin, I'm talking" every time he cut me off. I wasn't arsey or aggressive, nor was I apologetic or mild mannered, I was just clear and to the point.