Colleague takes over all conversations

[Jess239]

I don't mean this in an insensitive/offensive way but a colleague I work very closely with is very loud and takes over each and every conversation to the point where I can't even put a word in.

This is particularly difficult when meeting with other colleagues, as everyone is racing to speak when she decides to pause for a couple of seconds. Meetings take longer than they should. Although she is lovely, helpful and is relitively good at what she does. I have to change my communication style altogether and find myself speaking very fast just to get my idea/answer across before she takes over again. This often leads to me stuttering and I then feel embarassed and shut up. In most meetings, I find myself nodding most of the time as that's all I can do unless I interrupt. She has no patience when someone else is talking either.

Because she does pretty much all of the talking, it makes it look like she does all the work where in reality this is not the case when we are both working on a project.

She is already aware and often points out that she talks too much and is very loud. So, it's not a conversation I'd like to have with her.

Any ideas would be helpful. Thank you.

At a recent meeting someone wouldn't shut up when they were asked several times and one of the three co-hosts might have muted them.

It was not me!

I wondered if this was about me.
Seriously im awaiting an adhd assesment.
If i dont speak there or then the thought has gone.Also i suffer with anxiety and do ramble on.
One manager did speak to me and told me to shush more.
It just made me feel worse.
I dont know what the answer is just bear in mind it maybe some form of neurodivergence.

Hi, I noticed you said most of your meetings are online. There is an option to raise a hand in your teams meetings to signal you would like to speak. It's a button that literally raises a yellow hand that stays up until you've had your turn. You won't feel rude for interrupting. In terms of meeting etiquette they would be rude of them if your request to contribute was not respected! It sounds like you're going to need to get assertive. Tell them... I have some thoughts to share on this... ' to signal shut up and listen! And if you're interrupted none stop you may need to assert to hold space in the meeting. 'That's great Susan, I haven't quite finished my thought yet...' ie thanks but STFU until I've finished!! Take a deep breath and slow down when you speak. Hold your space. Xxx

Shut her down in the meeting if she interrupts you - every time. "Sorry Susan, I just need to finish my sentence. Once I'm done I'll hand over to you for input." If the chairs are getting frustrated with her, I expect they would back you up and shut her down if she keeps doing it. Practice speaking at a natural pace so not to stutter or get flustered. You could also speak to her before meetings and say you'd like to update first. Don't pretend you're shit at speaking in meetings, because you aren't. Her behaviour is impacting on your ability to speak in meetings.

A note book where you write these thoughts down?

Yes this could work though sometimes the person who has popped in the office passing through and if i dont ask the question they have moved on.

Announce a new meeting activity - because you'd like to be sure that you are hearing from everybody. More minds create better outcomes and more ideas.
Deal four cards each from a pack of playing cards.
When someone puts forward an opinion they place a card in the middle.
People wait and listen once they run out of cards.

When no one has any more cards deal out four more to everyone.
This you might not have to continue playing as it is a very visual reminder to the talkative ones that there is value in also listening and that colleagues have opinions.

Thanks everyone. I will try some of the suggestions. Although, I am very reluctant to be upfront with her as it is not in my nature at all and would hate to hurt her feelings as she said she's quite sensitive. It appears she is already having a tough time with other members of staff ignoring her "urgent" emails and cancelling meetings last minute.

We'll be working together for the long-term so I'm hoping I'll start to not feel bad about interrupting.

Email her an agenda and label each point with which of you is going to talk about it. If she starts on your point you can say hey XX we agreed I'm talking about this point.

I have ADHD and interruption throws me off, it's not an appropriate thing to do so it's something you really need to work on. If I have something to say I write it down so that I don't interrupt others.

This is what you need: a ball meeting.

For effective meetings, hold "ball" meetings - Turning Managers into Leaders

Tell her to shush and let someone else speak.

If she interrupts you say "Sarah, please allow me to finish my point. It will be your turn in a minute."

I'd also speak up in a similar way on behalf of quieter colleagues.

I thought I'd also add that whenever someone is speaking she repeats "uh hu/yeah" loudly and rather impatiently followed by a lot of nodding and then rushes to say something. It all seems quite uncontrollable on her part but is it really?

In this instance, you just stop talking and say "I'm hearing background noise which is throwing me off. If you're not speaking please go on mute", and carry on. If it keeps happening call her out directly "Susan, please mute your mic" and repeat until she does it. Your main focus should be building your confidence in shutting this behaviour down in a professional way. You don't need to tell her to STFU but you'll likely need to do this sort of thing on repeat until she gets the message. If she doesn't, I'm afraid she'll need to put her sensitive feeling to one side and take on board some constructive criticism, and act on it.

OP inefficient meetings cost the org money. As it wastes the time you're being paid for. Her attitude also reduces the effectiveness of everyone around her, including you.
You (and other affected colleagues) should pull her aside and have a word. If no improvement, escalate to her line manager.

Who cares whether she is 'sensitive' this is a matter of performance. She's impeding all of you. If you're happy to stay mediocre carry on but otherwise you need to do something.

Also I have ADHD and do tend to ramble I keep an eye on what I'm saying, have had training to communicate effectively etc. So tired of people using 'neurodivergence' as an excuse for self-absorbed twats. Get over yourselves!

@whatisforteamum ADD magazine online has some good resources.

🤣

If you're at the same level, I'd be referring it to your manager every time it happens, as well as using some of the phrases recommended "Susan, I'd like to finish my sentence", "Susan I'm speaking here", but not too much or it will be even more awkward for other attendees.

She may be sensitive and/or she may be ND but you need to be able to get your points across in meetings without being interrupted.

I've literally just done that to someone within the last fortnight.

She's apologised and stopped doing it! Who knew.

She said she knew she was doing it but she was determined to get the words out.

Can't fucking believe i've put up with people like this my whole life when all i have to do is tell them, in no uncertain terms.

This.

There are strategies you can apply here.

Write down your ideas and questions. When it gets towards the end of the presentation you can work out which question(s) are most relevant (often as the presenter is talking they answer your initial questions/thoughts move on.

When you know what you want to say, say it then stop. Why say more?

Your desire to speak and ask more questions doesn't mean you get to monopolise the time. Practise sifting through what is critical to the purpose of the agenda item (discussion/decision) and what is a sideline, tangent, or your curiosity that you could follow up separately).

Being told to "shush" isn't helpful but take the essence of the feedback and recognise that you need to take ownership of your role in effective communication

(I have ADHD and totally recognise the difficulty).

I was thinking this - on Teams anyone can mute anyone, so you could even mute her yourself!

I've done that. It's so satisfying.

I don’t think you should write to her beseeching for some time and pretending the problem is your lack of confidence.

💯

Don't do the "I'm so intimidated by you Susan" thing. Silly and she probably will.see through it.

I'd be more direct.

I have to say im self diagnosed currently.Thank you to everyone who has given me tips on getting my point across.