Colleague takes over all conversations

[Jess239]

I don't mean this in an insensitive/offensive way but a colleague I work very closely with is very loud and takes over each and every conversation to the point where I can't even put a word in.

This is particularly difficult when meeting with other colleagues, as everyone is racing to speak when she decides to pause for a couple of seconds. Meetings take longer than they should. Although she is lovely, helpful and is relitively good at what she does. I have to change my communication style altogether and find myself speaking very fast just to get my idea/answer across before she takes over again. This often leads to me stuttering and I then feel embarassed and shut up. In most meetings, I find myself nodding most of the time as that's all I can do unless I interrupt. She has no patience when someone else is talking either.

Because she does pretty much all of the talking, it makes it look like she does all the work where in reality this is not the case when we are both working on a project.

She is already aware and often points out that she talks too much and is very loud. So, it's not a conversation I'd like to have with her.

Any ideas would be helpful. Thank you.

There's no excuse for this ADHD or not. She needs to learn how to control her impulses. Yes it's very difficult for those with ADHD (my husband has it) BUT, this is something that can be managed. It just takes effort and it sounds like she can't be arsed.

I think she's also using the "I'm so sensitive" tactic so that nobody questions her.

Ultimately she needs to shut the fuck up BUT someone needs to point it out.

I do this.

It helped me if people were direct in a friendly way and just told me.

Quiet words tended to send me off the deep edge with shame.

I've given up working with people now and stick to emails when I need to do to communicate. I have also got an adhd dx and that has helped as I've accessed support.

Same here.
Its a theme of life with ADHD and makes us feel very ashamed.
At the same time, I do make a conscious effort to hold back in meetings because I’m aware that my lovely colleagues need to get to their children’s nurseries to collect their children etc.
I think it’s possible to hold back and if this lady wants positive relationships in the workplace she needs to at least try and tackle her impulses.

I think that if you have ADHD (and I do) it means you have to work much harder to control your impulses, if you have ASD, you need to work harder on your social interactions and being flexible, if you’re dyslexic you have to work that bit harder on reading and spelling, if you have dyspraxia you need to develop strategies to organise your belongings and work on gross and fine motor skills etc etc.

Success in these areas is usually not out of reach, but has to be worked at if success is to be enjoyed.

It’s the same effort as a neurotypical person will need to exert in having to work hard to be inclusive of all neurotypes, because they will naturally tend towards cliques as it’s all so easy for them at work.

Depressed people (see my username) are deserving of love and care but they have a responsibility to do things to support - not harm their mental health further if they live and work amongst others.

If we want functional and harmonious communities, micro-communities and societies, we all need to make an effort with each other, whilst being aware of and working to even out the negative aspects of our own characters.

Why should others pick up the slack for people who won’t work on themselves?

I think it’s ableist to throw our hands up in the air and say, “I’m going to be a pain in the arse because I have x, y, z diagnosis and you lot will just have to deal with it”.

No - that’s not a good attitude. People shouldn’t have to deal with not getting a word in edgeways because someone waves the dx card. That gives other people with the same dx a bad name and causes further discrimination.

For example:

Since my Dx I have identified the areas that I struggle with:

•organisation/ executive functioning
•social anxiety
•concentration
• binge eating
• Emotional dysregulation
•Rejection sensitive dysphoria
•Verbosity
•opinionated
•time management
•memory
•over the top sense of justice

I can see that many of the above traits are really annoying for others, especially in a workplace, so I have spent time and energy putting many strategies in place to counteract them.

Many are now imperceptible to my colleagues (I know this because people at work refer to me as ‘So organised’, ‘on the ball’, efficient and calm’ quite regularly.) This for me is the real success and pay-off for my effort, being able to enjoy good work relationships and have people view me as useful and someone who makes a valid contribution. Not resentfully turning a blind eye to my impact on them and compensating for the weaknesses in my output whilst feeling annoyed, which is pretty much how my school life felt which obviously led to lots of deep shame.

If anyone is ADHD and is interested in how I have managed the symptoms.

•Organisation/ executive functioning issues: I have visual cues everywhere, wall calendars, desk calendars, to-do lists, post it notes stuck to my computer, google calendar, email myself and the most life changing of all, multiple alarms on my phone.

•social anxiety- psychotherapy fortnightly to work through this. The best solution for anxiety was Sertraline but it made me numb, fat and I lost my ability to orgasm so now I’m a bit more raw and anxious but the pay off is better.

•Concentration- Stimulant medication.

•Binge eating - stimulant medication has completely eradicated this.

• Emotional dysregulation - therapy, investing £ in making my home beautiful, safe and listening to my body. Not acting on emotional responses. Friendship.

•Rejection sensitive dysphoria- therapy, buddying up with other ADHDers, podcasts.

•Verbosity - just simply shutting the fuck up. Practising asking others questions about themselves and getting pleasure from how much they like it. Also, I avoid the staffroom every break and only go sometimes with an intention to be calm because this is a trigger for me monopolising the conversation and I’m sensitive the fact that people get up and leave when I take the floor or the conversation has turned boring, or side eye starts happening, which makes me feel ashamed. (Still working on this!)

•Opinionated - spend more time asking others their opinion and respectfully.

•Time management - alarms, calendars.

•Memory - alarms, emails, countless calendars!

•Over the top sense of justice - when my heart beats fast and I feel the pain of seeing someone being treated unfairly and I’m about to call it out in a large staff meeting for example, I just sit with the difficult feeling and ring my union or contact the person I feel is being treated badly and ask them directly if I can help them.

All this said, I practice not beating myself up too much because I also have many good qualities and know that I’m kind, creative, productive, funny, warm and honest.

I’m forgiving of the imperfections of others too because life is hard for all of us in one way or the other so I’m hoping I’ve come up a healthier place with it all.

This lady in the OP needs to be handled kindly but honestly. Not shamed because that will be triggering for her and she could react badly. Someone brave enough to approach her kindly and respect her enough to say to her face the things that I bet she goes home and beats herself up about anyway will be very brave and helpful to her.

You hope you’ll not feel bad about interrupting? Come on OP. Don’t be so meek!

She is being rude, and the “uh-huh” thing would drive me absolutely nuts. Start enforcing the very useful hand raise function, tell her very firmly “I’m still speaking Susan and I also want to hear what Kenneth has to say before we come back to you.”

Your colleagues will back you up, I bet, and ultimately it might make Susan less unpopular round the office once the message gets through.

This! Her lack of self awareness in not your weakness. I wouldn't let this happen twice. The first time I'd think, wtf if she interrupted, the second time I'd be prepared and just pause, look at her and say, I'd not finished speaking. Pause. Continue. Rinse and repeat. You are not a mouse - speak up!