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Original poster

Had a breakdown at work

54 replies

NotDoingOk · 06/12/2023 15:34

This might not make sense but I don't want to include too much extra detail, and I haven't slept in a while.

My manager has been aware for a while that I have been struggling with my mental health and that I had needed to access medication and therapy. I think they understood that things at work had contributed to that stress.

Yesterday I had a phone call with my boss where they said people on the team had been "made to feel uncomfortable" by a conversation I had in the office and that they would have to involve the area manager.

The conversation they referred to was me explaining a situation where someone had become upset and that I had sent a whole team email to address what had upset them.

I was so upset that I said I would just resign. I said I didn't want people to feel uncomfortable because of me and that I hated to think that people had felt the need to go speak to management about me. It was like the last straw that just pushed me over the edge and I couldn't cope anymore.

The boss said that was my choice and they didn't want anyone to have the impression that I had been sacked or forced to resign because of the situation.

I called in sick today so I could try to sleep and access mental health support. I'm broken hearted. I loved the job. My performance reviews have been consistently positive, and during the conversation the manager said that I was the most knowledgeable and experienced member of the team.

But I can't see any way forward now. I don't know what to do next.

OP posts:
eish · 06/12/2023 15:43

I think you have over reacted which is unsurprising due to your mental health challenges. You made a mistake which will be dealt with. Don’t give up on a job you love and are good at. Everyone makes mistakes, just learn from it.

ShennyInfinity · 06/12/2023 15:48

I think you have over reacted which is unsurprising due to your mental health challenges. You made a mistake which will be dealt with. Don’t give up on a job you love and are good at. Everyone makes mistakes, just learn from it.

Absolutely agree!

Original poster
NotDoingOk · 06/12/2023 15:54

I don't think they necessarily want me to stay. They certainly aren't obliged to convince me.

It's the way that it was done that gets to me. I had emailed the manager to request a day off for a funeral. And the response was "Sorry for loss. I need to speak to you before the end of the day"

OP posts:
Original poster
NotDoingOk · 06/12/2023 16:03

Actually my manager did say that I was overreacting as well. They said a lot of things.

OP posts:
PosteriorPosterity · 06/12/2023 16:07

Another vote for you’re overreacting. If you were my employee I wouldn’t be falling over myself to convince you to stay (I don’t believe in emotionally blackmailing or flattering employees into staying, your employer is a personal decision to you), even if you were my most valued employee. I’d say things like “that’s your decision but we’re not asking you to leave”, which sounds like what they’ve said.

If they’ve said you’re the most knowledgable they’ll probably do want you to stay…

User135644 · 06/12/2023 16:10

NotDoingOk · 06/12/2023 15:54

I don't think they necessarily want me to stay. They certainly aren't obliged to convince me.

It's the way that it was done that gets to me. I had emailed the manager to request a day off for a funeral. And the response was "Sorry for loss. I need to speak to you before the end of the day"

It's salvageable but your manager hasn't really backed you or shown an eagerness to rectify the situation.

BranchGold · 06/12/2023 16:13

I’m not clear about what actually caused the issue. A colleague was upset by something you did, and you sent an email to everyone on the team explaining yourself?

Curtainscurtains · 06/12/2023 16:16

I don't understand what you said or emailed?

Original poster
NotDoingOk · 06/12/2023 16:18

BranchGold · 06/12/2023 16:13

I’m not clear about what actually caused the issue. A colleague was upset by something you did, and you sent an email to everyone on the team explaining yourself?

No, the colleague was upset about things being left on their desk and confronted me and the other people who were there at the time. I didn't know who had put things on their desk or why. So I emailed the whole team to ask that they be considerate when hot desking and leave people's workspaces as they found them.

I thought the email might have come across as a bit abrupt, so I explained in the morning that the person had been upset.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotDoingOk · 06/12/2023 16:24

PosteriorPosterity · 06/12/2023 16:07

Another vote for you’re overreacting. If you were my employee I wouldn’t be falling over myself to convince you to stay (I don’t believe in emotionally blackmailing or flattering employees into staying, your employer is a personal decision to you), even if you were my most valued employee. I’d say things like “that’s your decision but we’re not asking you to leave”, which sounds like what they’ve said.

If they’ve said you’re the most knowledgable they’ll probably do want you to stay…

Yeah, they probably did feel that I was emotionally blackmailing them by saying I would just resign. And there's no reason they should want to keep someone who reacts in that way.

OP posts:
Jztbrzzsy · 06/12/2023 16:33

Apologies if I'm just not understanding correctly - were colleagues upset by the first email about the stuff on desk, or about a follow up email about the person who was upset? Sorry just trying to understand the cause of the upset and escalation to area manager

Whatevershallidowithmylife · 06/12/2023 16:41

Probably you've annoyed your colleagues by emailing them when you're not their manager and it wasn't your desk. I get you meant well but most people would see ghis as "she's not the boss". Possibly your Manager thought the same? Also if its hot desking then no-one has their own desk?

Original poster
NotDoingOk · 06/12/2023 16:51

I didn't only say I would resign because of this one thing. The conversation was long and covered a lot of ground, and there is history that built up to this stage. I didn't want to write a whole novel.

Saying I had made people uncomfortable was the thing that made me feel I couldn't carry on in that office. The manager was clearly very angry with me, and saying I would resign didn't help. I genuinely didn't (and don't) feel comfortable carrying on in the office. So I said that I would ask the area manager if there were any vacancies working remotely that I could apply for. (90% of the staff in my role work remotely, often in areas very distant from their service area.) And I said that if that is not possible, then I would need to move on.

OP posts:
AgnesX · 06/12/2023 16:55

Hmm. Definitely an over reaction. If you want to keep your job you'll have to meet your boss and concede that you were over wrought. I'm assuming that you don't actually want to lose your job of course if you need it financially.

Getting the area manager involved sounds completely overkill. This should be capable of resolution within the office.

Original poster
NotDoingOk · 06/12/2023 17:09

Jztbrzzsy · 06/12/2023 16:33

Apologies if I'm just not understanding correctly - were colleagues upset by the first email about the stuff on desk, or about a follow up email about the person who was upset? Sorry just trying to understand the cause of the upset and escalation to area manager

Several people on the team have their own desks because the office is their permanent work base. But almost everyone works part time.

We also have several floating staff members who will use a part timer's desk when they aren't in. I believe this is how items were left on the person's desk. That's why I sent the email. We do often send all team emails, so I didn't see anything unusual in it.

The next day I verbally explained to staff who hadn't been there the previous day that the person had been upset to give context to why I had sent the email. This conversation is apparently what made them uncomfortable because they thought I was being mean to the person. I didn't intend to make anyone uncomfortable but obviously I was wrong to mention it.

It's a little ironic. Instead of making a complaint about the person angrily confronting us for things someone else left on their desk, I tried to find a solution. And then people complained about me.

OP posts:
TheCountessofLocksley · 06/12/2023 17:11

Please go and see your Dr. They may sign you off for a short while who h would probably help you. They can give you advice about the help available to you, which again I think will help.

Do you have access to an Employee Assistance Scheme through work? If so, contact them as they can often arrange some help/support.

Don't worry about what has been said/done - you can't change that. Do talk to your manager though and explain the situation. It sounds a huge overreaction from your colleagues but resigning is not the answer.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 06/12/2023 17:12

So what exactly did you say in your email and verbal discussion about this person, did they know you were talking and sending emails about them?

threecupsofteaminimum · 06/12/2023 17:19

I don't think you should resign over this. It'll cause you further problems in your longer term employment, explaining to new bosses, I've been in a similar position many moons ago whilst going through a terrible time (divorce, moving cities, miscarriage - all at, the same time) and I had a right royal breakdown at work and literally ran away from it all.

What I'm trying to say is I think it's very salvageable and I don't think you're the one over reacting here.

Can you take a day to evaluate and take stock and then return with a concise explanation and feedback what happened.

I'm sure they'll support you and after Christmas it'll be old news.

threecupsofteaminimum · 06/12/2023 17:21

Plus, I'm sorry but someone complaining because they were "made to feel uncomfortable" by a conversation you had in the office" sounds a bit fucking gen Z bullshitty for you to have to resign Hmm

Jztbrzzsy · 06/12/2023 17:22

NotDoingOk · 06/12/2023 17:09

Several people on the team have their own desks because the office is their permanent work base. But almost everyone works part time.

We also have several floating staff members who will use a part timer's desk when they aren't in. I believe this is how items were left on the person's desk. That's why I sent the email. We do often send all team emails, so I didn't see anything unusual in it.

The next day I verbally explained to staff who hadn't been there the previous day that the person had been upset to give context to why I had sent the email. This conversation is apparently what made them uncomfortable because they thought I was being mean to the person. I didn't intend to make anyone uncomfortable but obviously I was wrong to mention it.

It's a little ironic. Instead of making a complaint about the person angrily confronting us for things someone else left on their desk, I tried to find a solution. And then people complained about me.

Show quote history

Thanks for clarifying.

It's hard to know what's normal in other people's workplaces, but I would find it very unusual to complain about how a manager had handled something unless they were really, really not nice about it. So maybe something to reflect on there.

Also saying you'll just resign - I understand the impulse, but puts your employer in an odd place - they're not going to beg you to stay if you want to go. Maybe being more open with them about how your struggling and feel like you need more support would have gone further in terms of their sympathy for you.

PosteriorPosterity · 06/12/2023 17:24

NotDoingOk · 06/12/2023 16:24

Yeah, they probably did feel that I was emotionally blackmailing them by saying I would just resign. And there's no reason they should want to keep someone who reacts in that way.

Show quote history

You’re misunderstanding. I would want you to stay, but I wouldn’t force you - particularly if you seemed to be in poor mental health.

I don’t think you should resign.

Jztbrzzsy · 06/12/2023 17:24

threecupsofteaminimum · 06/12/2023 17:21

Plus, I'm sorry but someone complaining because they were "made to feel uncomfortable" by a conversation you had in the office" sounds a bit fucking gen Z bullshitty for you to have to resign Hmm

If 'Gen Z bullshitery' means we talk about each other nicely in our workplaces then I'm all for it. And I'm definitely far too old to be part of Gen Z.

Houseplanter · 06/12/2023 17:25

Sounds like a big drama out of nothing much.

Colleagues didn't like a simple email which doesn't sound offensive. At the most that warrants an eye roll

You over reacted the subsequent situation. I think you're wise to realise your mental health needs some support, and I might suggest you take some time out to recover

threecupsofteaminimum · 06/12/2023 17:31

@Jztbrzzsy

If Gen Z bullshitery' means we talk about each other nicely in our workplaces then I'm all for it. And I'm definitely far too old to be part of Gen Z. If If 'Gen Z bullshitery' means we talk about each other nicely in our workplaces then I'm all for it. And I'm definitely far too old to be part of Gen Z.

No, it's about the getting overly upset and offended and uncomfortable about innocuous behaviour and issues that don't substantiate other peoples suffering and having to bloody resign / huge sacrifices cos of their** inability to cope with life.

Jztbrzzsy · 06/12/2023 17:54

Well we don't actually know what's been said in this interaction or beforehand - so we're not in a place to judge that.

Op is struggling. I've also struggled with my mental health at work, and it definitely affected my performance. Her bosses should try to help her out - mine did - but it's a hard when the employee reacts by saying they'll just resign, rather than asking for help.