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Original poster

Had a breakdown at work

54 replies

NotDoingOk · 06/12/2023 15:34

This might not make sense but I don't want to include too much extra detail, and I haven't slept in a while.

My manager has been aware for a while that I have been struggling with my mental health and that I had needed to access medication and therapy. I think they understood that things at work had contributed to that stress.

Yesterday I had a phone call with my boss where they said people on the team had been "made to feel uncomfortable" by a conversation I had in the office and that they would have to involve the area manager.

The conversation they referred to was me explaining a situation where someone had become upset and that I had sent a whole team email to address what had upset them.

I was so upset that I said I would just resign. I said I didn't want people to feel uncomfortable because of me and that I hated to think that people had felt the need to go speak to management about me. It was like the last straw that just pushed me over the edge and I couldn't cope anymore.

The boss said that was my choice and they didn't want anyone to have the impression that I had been sacked or forced to resign because of the situation.

I called in sick today so I could try to sleep and access mental health support. I'm broken hearted. I loved the job. My performance reviews have been consistently positive, and during the conversation the manager said that I was the most knowledgeable and experienced member of the team.

But I can't see any way forward now. I don't know what to do next.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotDoingOk · 06/12/2023 17:55

AgnesX · 06/12/2023 16:55

Hmm. Definitely an over reaction. If you want to keep your job you'll have to meet your boss and concede that you were over wrought. I'm assuming that you don't actually want to lose your job of course if you need it financially.

Getting the area manager involved sounds completely overkill. This should be capable of resolution within the office.

Edited

I felt that getting the area manager involved regarding the initial conversation was overkill, and that added to the stress.

I think the manager hadn't fully understood how things had been impacting my mental health, from our previous conversation, or this wouldn't have come as a surprise.

I feel that I need to move on because of a lot of things within the office setting in addition to this event. Obviously it's best if I can avoid a non-working period before starting another post. It generally takes 4-6 months for the organisation to recruit and onboard a new member of staff, with another couple of months training.

It's a large organisation. If there is an unfilled remote post that I can successfully apply for, then I will negotiate notice to work for both of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotDoingOk · 06/12/2023 18:07

Houseplanter · 06/12/2023 17:25

Sounds like a big drama out of nothing much.

Colleagues didn't like a simple email which doesn't sound offensive. At the most that warrants an eye roll

You over reacted the subsequent situation. I think you're wise to realise your mental health needs some support, and I might suggest you take some time out to recover

I already did know that my mental health needed support. I've been to the GP, been prescribed medication, self-referred to therapy and contacted employee assistance. All of which was known to my employer.

It can be a stressful work environment with safeguarding concerns, dealing with neglect, abuse, challenging behaviour and carer breakdown. All of that can build up.

OP posts:
SarahC50 · 06/12/2023 18:28

Poor you this is the last thing you need. Don't resign formally. Go off sick and take the time to get better, sick pay will hopefully give you the time and headspace to improve.
Once you feel mentally well, look at your options and see if you want to stay or move on.
Tbh some of your colleagues sound like pains x

Neriah · 06/12/2023 19:07

I've been in your managers position. I'm not asking for sympathy here, because it's what I'm paid more for. But it's bloody horrible having these sorts of conversations. They never seem to raise their heads on good days for anyone. Nobody gives us a text book on how to get them right. Usually we get them wrong for everyone. At least to some degree.

OP, you did something wrong for all the right reasons. Welcome to the club. We all do that. Sometimes we have to - I think your manager is in that position. They had to act if they had complaints. Maybe they could have done it better. Or not.

Please don't resign, and please tell your manager that you didn't mean it, you are struggling, and you need help. Which may mean some time off, or not. We cannot mind read - although it would be bloody useful if we could. We don't know what's going through your mind or why.

Please don't assume. Please don't run away. It doesn't get easier somewhere else - that's just a countdown to the next problem. We can tackle the problems but we need to work together to do it. We both need to use our words.

And honestly? It's a storm in a teacup. Your colleagues didn't like the email. It was probably unwise wording. Tomorrow everyone will have moved on. You could too.

UsingChangeofName · 06/12/2023 19:14

Except that the OP has, herself, said this is just what happened in this incident, and there is a whole lot of history. So it sounds much less of a 'storm in a teacup' than a 'final straw' situation.

Really difficult for any of us reading this thread to have any concept of the whole picture here.

WhereIsBebèsChambre · 06/12/2023 19:14

NotDoingOk · 06/12/2023 18:07

I already did know that my mental health needed support. I've been to the GP, been prescribed medication, self-referred to therapy and contacted employee assistance. All of which was known to my employer.

It can be a stressful work environment with safeguarding concerns, dealing with neglect, abuse, challenging behaviour and carer breakdown. All of that can build up.

Show quote history

Are you in social work or so social care? Have you had chance to discuss at supervision if so?

Original poster
NotDoingOk · 06/12/2023 19:41

I'm in a setting that is related to social work and social care.

Normally difficult casework would be addressed in frequent case reviews or fortnightly small group meetings, but both of those things have fallen by the wayside over the last 6-9 months with a vacant supervisor post. I can't remember the last case review I had.

We finally had a small group meeting several weeks ago and I said that I didn't feel we had enough in place to make sure team members are ok during safeguarding work or death of people we work with. The manager was not happy and argued that I was wrong and that it's up to team members to recognise that they are in trouble and request support. (I disagree with that approach, but it's not my call).

In a 1-1 conversation the following week, she said she had felt that by raising it in the group

OP posts:
Neriah · 06/12/2023 19:42

UsingChangeofName · 06/12/2023 19:14

Except that the OP has, herself, said this is just what happened in this incident, and there is a whole lot of history. So it sounds much less of a 'storm in a teacup' than a 'final straw' situation.

Really difficult for any of us reading this thread to have any concept of the whole picture here.

There may be history. In my experience there can be a lot of storms in tea cups. Managers spend half their lives as teapots. Its always hard to read situations when you're in them. For everyone. Maybe the OP does need to move on. But maybe she doesn't. Mental ill health can make us see and believe things that aren't true.

Original poster
NotDoingOk · 06/12/2023 19:43

--sorry posted too soon.

She said she felt that me expressing that we could have better support for high stress situations was "saying she is shit at her job".

OP posts:
Neriah · 06/12/2023 19:44

NotDoingOk · 06/12/2023 19:43

--sorry posted too soon.

She said she felt that me expressing that we could have better support for high stress situations was "saying she is shit at her job".

I work in something similar, as a manager.

I change my opinion. Get the hell out. If that's what she thinks, then she IS shit at her job.

Delpf · 06/12/2023 20:06

Quit. I've been in a similar situation; I did (ultimately) quit. If I'm ever in that situation again (knock on wood) I'll quit straight away. Once someone has decided to make your life difficult they rarely stop. Life's too short to deal with this bullshit.

DinaofCloud9 · 06/12/2023 20:17

I don't see that you've done anything wrong at all.
Maybe a bit of time away would help you see the wood for the trees.

AnonyLonnymouse · 06/12/2023 20:25

My honest advice is to take tomorrow off sick (tell your manager that you were feeling ill on Wednesday) then return on Friday acting as if nothing has happened.

Let it all blow over.

OceanSafari · 07/12/2023 23:54

NotDoingOk · 06/12/2023 19:41

I'm in a setting that is related to social work and social care.

Normally difficult casework would be addressed in frequent case reviews or fortnightly small group meetings, but both of those things have fallen by the wayside over the last 6-9 months with a vacant supervisor post. I can't remember the last case review I had.

We finally had a small group meeting several weeks ago and I said that I didn't feel we had enough in place to make sure team members are ok during safeguarding work or death of people we work with. The manager was not happy and argued that I was wrong and that it's up to team members to recognise that they are in trouble and request support. (I disagree with that approach, but it's not my call).

In a 1-1 conversation the following week, she said she had felt that by raising it in the group

If you can, it sounds like it would be better for you to move on. Nothing you have posted about your behaviour sounds unreasonable or deserving of being disciplined. The above sounds like a stressful work environment and very likely causing/contributing to your mental health issues.

threecupsofteaminimum · 11/12/2023 13:10

How are you OP?

FedUpMumof10YO · 11/12/2023 13:16

Nah don't let others make you feel like you don't want to keep your job. You love it, it's yours. Nobody else is bloody perfect and we're all susceptible to a blip. This is just that.

Take some time out (you can self cert for a week). Go back and write it off. Literally everyone else is thinking about Christmas. Don't worry about what others think.

BTW manager sounds a bit shit.

Take care x

MuggleMe · 11/12/2023 13:47

It sounds to me like you're not the only one struggling, others are mishandling simple issues that don't need to be made as big as they are being.

I suggest you look for something remote as you've said but rise above the drama and try not to take comments too personally. Keep acting professionally and it'll all blow over.

Original poster
NotDoingOk · 11/12/2023 21:49

I'm still feeling awful. I was back in on Friday but managed to arrange to work in a side room on my own most of the time. I know it's stupid, because I've worked there for years but I feel so sick at the thought of walking into the office with everyone.

OP posts:
ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 12/12/2023 15:18

Sorry you are still feeling bad. Won't they notice you are in but not in the main office?

daisychain01 · 13/12/2023 04:57

We finally had a small group meeting several weeks ago and I said that I didn't feel we had enough in place to make sure team members are ok during safeguarding work or death of people we work with. The manager was not happy and argued that I was wrong and that it's up to team members to recognise that they are in trouble and request support. (I disagree with that approach, but it's not my call)

OP one thing's for sure, you did the right thing speaking up.

it may have hit a raw nerve with your manager, but your concerns about not having regular team support meetings were well founded in the type of work you're in. the worrying thing is that she wasn't willing to take on board your opinion and closed you down. No wonder you're feeling so bad. Please don't lose your self-esteem through this, you sound like you're doing a good job in difficult circumstances. The incident about the desk was really not something to reproach yourself for, you're not getting the right backing from your manager, thats the issue, you aren't the problem

My manager is quite clear that she wants us as a team to have a weekly catch up together in the office once a week, as we're in a high pressure role and she sees the need to ensure nobody is struggling. I really appreciate that and the meetings are invaluable to decompress and give each other moral support.

i don't think you should resign, hold your head high, don't let this grind you down. Take some time out over Christmas, and try to see it from a different perspective.

RedHelenB · 13/12/2023 07:15

threecupsofteaminimum · 06/12/2023 17:21

Plus, I'm sorry but someone complaining because they were "made to feel uncomfortable" by a conversation you had in the office" sounds a bit fucking gen Z bullshitty for you to have to resign Hmm

She doesn't have to resign. I'm getting drama llama vibes, sending an email about sinething that wasn't her problem, then continuing to stir the pot the day after by" explaining" the email. Maybe her manager has had enough abs juat wants to get in with work rather than pandering.

flapjackfairy · 13/12/2023 07:22

frankly I am.struggling to see what you have done wrong !
Don't cut your nose off to spite your face. It will all blow over and is nowhere near as bad as it seems at the moment. Hope things get better for you soon x

Original poster
NotDoingOk · 13/12/2023 19:08

Maybe I am a drama llama. Assuming that's a shitty term for someone who suffers with long term anxiety and depression.

Obviously there is a lot of background that I haven't included to avoid making it obvious who I am and where I work.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotDoingOk · 13/12/2023 19:22

Anyway, the update is that I'm scheduled to meet with the area manager next week to discuss the potential to transfer to another team.

It really isn't just about that one incident, but it happened on a very vulnerable day and pushed me over the edge. 3 other people are now putting in complaints about the way the manager has treated them or others (and failed to follow company policy, which is the crucial bit)

It's a shame. I love the actual casework, but I'm not going to stay in a toxic environment to do it.

OP posts:
hellsBells246 · 13/12/2023 19:36

It's your manager who sounds shit, not you.

What you did was fine. I don't understand why people have over-reacted.