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Original poster

I am so upset... please please help me

73 replies

spiralizeme · 21/05/2023 19:19

I am in my bedroom crying as I just feel at a loss as what to do.

Me and my partner have a 8 month baby and both work. We (are supposed to ) split everything 50/50 (rent, bills etc)

His financial situation took a nosedive when covid meant he had to fold his business. He has now started a new one but business is very slow.

I started picking up his rent a few times and loaning him money which was not ideal but I was empathetic to his situation and understand we are a team.

The debts added and added and now he owes me £9000 which is ALOT for me. My own finances are now very unstable as a result.

I think he needs to get just a normal job (window cleaner, driver, bar work... ANYTHING) to just start bringing some money in. He says he is looking but ...... nothing yet!! 🤷🏻‍♀️

I know he always gets very defensive when I speak about it because I guess he feels imasculated etc, so I rarely say anything.

But over dinner tonight I brought it up, saying I do need the money back as we have bills to pay and asked if he has he got a plan for this week to try and find some "for now" work. I was purposely very mindful of my words and tried to not sound in anyway condescending.

He ended up getting very defensive and saying I was being confrontational and he was shouting his words at me.

It ended in me crying and I am now hiding in the bedroom feeling at an absolute loss.

Right now I feel like I want to take our 8 month old baby and leave. I feel angry. I worked like a dog throughout my whole pregnancy and postpartum to save money and he has eaten up all those savings and now won't even communicate with me like an adult.

What should I do/ say? Please help.

OP posts:
orangegato · 21/05/2023 19:23

He is being selfish and useless, and being defensive is very manipulative and making you out to be the bad guy.

Honestly not sure you can do anything to make him take some responsibility. He’s an awful role model for a child. Maybe some time apart for him to get his shit together?

Datafan55 · 21/05/2023 19:23

I'm really sorry, that sounds like a crap situation.
It sounds like you being calm and constructive ... While he is not.
And totally agree, he should be doing some part time paid work to go along with his business.
If he's borrowed 9k, this has been going on for ... a while?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 21/05/2023 19:24

How awful! When you both paid 50/50 did you earn the same?

Nicknamesforviolet · 21/05/2023 19:25

What would you advise a friend or sister? The big questions I think they would need to answer:
How long can you BOTH afford this?
How long can YOU afford this?
How long are YOU willing to fund this?
How long is HE willing for you to fund this?
Is how he spoke to you part and parcel of normal arguing or is it unacceptable?

toothbrusher · 21/05/2023 19:26

YANBU! You can totally be self employed but if your business isn't making money you need at least a part time job while you establish your business or to realise you don't have the great business idea you thought you did... Time to lay down the law x

AHugeTinyMistake · 21/05/2023 19:28

He needs to contribute or leave. That simple.

At least if you were on your own you'd get council tax discount and maybe some UC.

Does the man have no pride? Letting his partner pay all his bills while he refuses to take a 'just for now' job? He is a workshy layabout who is draining you emotionally and financially. I'd give him until the end of next week to get some work or out he goes.

Endofteatherandthensome · 21/05/2023 19:28

I'm so sorry you are going through this, especially at a time when you should be focused on your baby. Money is a difficult and sensitive subject, it's rarely just about money as it's all wrapped up in security, love, self-worth. It makes it very hard to hear the other person.

If things are good apart from this and you do love him then I would at least try to save it. Lay it on the table that you love and support him and want him to succeed but the situation is making you feel insecure and scared and you can't go on like this. If it's at all possible i would really, really look at doing a couples counseling session as a third person can help translate, mediate and see through the bullshit. If you can't swing it then listen to where she we begin, ester has some sessions where her couples discuss finances and it may unlock some stuff. Also couples therapy on the bbc.

To him he probably is seeing getting a job as defeat, as a lack of self-worth, that's he's not a provider. Of course that doesn't mean he doesn't need to change and get a job, he absolutely does but if he is working hard at his business and it just isnt profitable then thats tricky. That said tou have a right to feel secure and to be part of a partnership, he has a child so his needs and ambition is secondary.

FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 21/05/2023 19:29

Yanbu. Can you leave? There’s no shame in it. Your putting all the effort in while he’s self employed.

CantFindTheBeat · 21/05/2023 19:30

How long have you been together, OP?

Was his business financially successful pre-covid?

Datafan55 · 21/05/2023 19:36

If you said/say - 'I can't sub you for the rent this month, I have no more left (ie you need to find x in the next couple of weeks)...' Would that not drive him out? I mean, one would hope so...

Have you got a 'official' record of how much you have lent him (ie just in case)?

Original poster
spiralizeme · 21/05/2023 19:36

@CantFindTheBeat we've been together about 4 years. He was okay financially before, yes.

I genuinely believe he wants to sort this but I think his lack of ability to process the emotions it's bringing up is making him freeze, bury his head in the sand and go into denial/ defensive mode.

OP posts:
Original poster
spiralizeme · 21/05/2023 19:36

If I leave... What would happen with our daughter? Does anyone know? What rights do I have.

We aren't marrried. Am I allowed to just leave? And take her with me?

OP posts:
bonzaitree · 21/05/2023 19:48

I don’t think you need or want a man like this.

Get your own place and go from there.

i know £9k is a lot, but it will just get worse if you don’t do something.

TeaParty4Me · 21/05/2023 19:51

I don’t understand why he needs to pay you the money back as you are a couple and finances should be shared.

He definitely needs to get a normal job and most people do this alongside starting a business.

I think you need to give him an ultimatum and tell him he needs to find a job or you’re both going to have to move back to your parents homes because you can’t afford the bills on your own.

TeaParty4Me · 21/05/2023 19:51

Yes you can leave and take your child with you if that’s what’s best for her.

Then you can arrange access between you or if you can’t then it will go to court.

GeorgeA12 · 21/05/2023 19:54

Practically I would look at the option of leaving and work out how much you would get to live on as you can't do what you are doing forever if there is no change. Take into account your salary, any child tax benefits (not sure what they are called now), child benefit. There are calculators online to help. And I think the benefits help with renting but not mortgages.

Taking your child would mean your partner may want to see them 50/50 once he is settled. But this time could allow you to develop your skills or earn more money. Child maintenance could be applied for if you have your child more than half.

I've been through similar, not easy at all but I'm far happier. Just work it all your options but your mental and physical health are most important. Do what is right for you and your child.

PragmaticWench · 21/05/2023 19:55

TeaParty4Me · 21/05/2023 19:51

I don’t understand why he needs to pay you the money back as you are a couple and finances should be shared.

He definitely needs to get a normal job and most people do this alongside starting a business.

I think you need to give him an ultimatum and tell him he needs to find a job or you’re both going to have to move back to your parents homes because you can’t afford the bills on your own.

They're not married, so financially are separate.

AgnesX · 21/05/2023 19:55

I do hope that it was clear that it was a loan....

GeorgeA12 · 21/05/2023 19:57

You might be surprised how much benefits you are entitled to with a child so at the very least if you can't work it out with your partner you will have a full back plan.

Mix56 · 21/05/2023 20:00

If he is looking after dd while you work, I believe he is classed primary carer. So no, you need to get him back to work before leaving with Dd

You need to tell him its no point getting defensive & refusing to talk about this like adults, you are now unable to continue, there are bills to pay & debts to reimburse. He needs to bring in a salary, even if its a temp. Position.

SusanMaria · 21/05/2023 20:00

LTB, he's used you and you'll never see that money again, sorry 💐

He's not emasculated or any other such bollocks. He's defensive because he knows what he's done is wrong. His behaviour is now abusive. He's shutting you down when you try to have a conversation, you're tiptoeing round him carefully picking your words trying not to set him off, he's still taking money from you that you've earned and don't want to give him.

You've just had a baby, he should have done whatever was necessary to support you, not stood by while you worked your fingers to the bone whilst pregnant and with a newborn so he can piss about living the dream. That he did this shows he doesn't respect you at all, as does all the nastiness any time you point out you're not happy about it.

Just go, it'll never get better. This is who he is. You'll get universal credit and a chance to build your life up without the millstone of this excuse for a man hanging around your neck dragging you down.

Dacadactyl · 21/05/2023 20:00

This is not on at all.

YANBU to say he just needs to get a stop gap job.

I'd be looking for a way out tbh.

GeorgeA12 · 21/05/2023 20:05

Mix56 this advice is wrong. A primary carer is the person that holds the child benefit which I'm assuming is the OP.

OP - the purpose of the primary carer is that the person who is not the primary carer would need to pay child maintenance to the primary carer if you split up. The person in receipt of child benefit is classed as the primary carer.

If you are not in receipt of the child benefit for your child then this would be a good step to try and change into your name.

Meadowfly · 21/05/2023 20:06

He does sound awful. But I don’t understand why he needs to pay you back, you are a family. In most families where one parent isn’t working the other isn’t keeping a tally of what the other one ‘owes’ them.

TheCreamTeaWasFromMe · 21/05/2023 20:07

Take the baby and go.

Tell him once you are somewhere safe that he can text you to arrange access to see the baby.

Leave him to it. He's being incredibly selfish insisting on pursuing his own business and using your savings to subsidise himself. The reality is that he cannot afford to be self employed at the moment, so he needs to face facts and get a job. I suspect if you move out and let him get on with it then he will soon realise that he'll have to earn his own keep rather than sponging off you.