Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Work

Chat with other users about all things related to working life on our Work forum.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

I am so upset... please please help me

73 replies

spiralizeme · 21/05/2023 19:19

I am in my bedroom crying as I just feel at a loss as what to do.

Me and my partner have a 8 month baby and both work. We (are supposed to ) split everything 50/50 (rent, bills etc)

His financial situation took a nosedive when covid meant he had to fold his business. He has now started a new one but business is very slow.

I started picking up his rent a few times and loaning him money which was not ideal but I was empathetic to his situation and understand we are a team.

The debts added and added and now he owes me £9000 which is ALOT for me. My own finances are now very unstable as a result.

I think he needs to get just a normal job (window cleaner, driver, bar work... ANYTHING) to just start bringing some money in. He says he is looking but ...... nothing yet!! 🤷🏻‍♀️

I know he always gets very defensive when I speak about it because I guess he feels imasculated etc, so I rarely say anything.

But over dinner tonight I brought it up, saying I do need the money back as we have bills to pay and asked if he has he got a plan for this week to try and find some "for now" work. I was purposely very mindful of my words and tried to not sound in anyway condescending.

He ended up getting very defensive and saying I was being confrontational and he was shouting his words at me.

It ended in me crying and I am now hiding in the bedroom feeling at an absolute loss.

Right now I feel like I want to take our 8 month old baby and leave. I feel angry. I worked like a dog throughout my whole pregnancy and postpartum to save money and he has eaten up all those savings and now won't even communicate with me like an adult.

What should I do/ say? Please help.

OP posts:

OhcantthInkofaname · 21/05/2023 20:08

You tell him exactly what you said in your last full paragraph. He needs to adult up right now. You were being confrontational - you should have been confrontational a long time ago. Covid lockdowns were 3 years ago.

Pixiedust1234 · 21/05/2023 20:10

Right now I feel like I want to take our 8 month old baby and leave.
Leave then. You don't have to stay. If the child is his then let him know where you have gone so he can have contact via a court order. He needs grow up and provide for his child not sponge of the mother. Good luck OP.

bussteward · 21/05/2023 20:10

Meadowfly · 21/05/2023 20:06

He does sound awful. But I don’t understand why he needs to pay you back, you are a family. In most families where one parent isn’t working the other isn’t keeping a tally of what the other one ‘owes’ them.

Different people have different financial arrangements. Clearly in OP’s relationship they do keep finances separate so what most families (citation needed) do is irrelevant. And when one partner eats through £9k of savings because they’re faffing around with their business instead of getting a job, keeping a tally is sensible.

Luredbyapomegranate · 21/05/2023 20:26

He needs to get a job, else you have to leave. It’s temporary and it’s to support his family which is a lot less humiliating than the alternative. He can tell people he’s taxi-ing (or whatever) on the side while his business gets going - he doesn’t need to loose his identity.

Dibbydoos · 21/05/2023 20:30

Of course you can take her and leave, but do you want to? And for clarity, in a relationship like yours, you don't really loan and borrow money. I appreciate you may not be married, but still. Yours is his and his is yours.

I'm self employed, a widow and have 2 adult DCs with disabilities - 1 gets PIP, the other doesnt yet, so I work for all 3 of us which at the moment means I have 8.5 days of work per week as one contract didn't pay enough - it's inside ir35 ie I take home around 45% of what I earn 🤬. I couldn't do 8.5 days a week. So now do 6 days, my DD helps and a contractor does 1 day a week for me. I often feel like running away, the pressure to earn is horrendous, but I carry on. Some people can't do this the pressure is too much. Covid has affected so many self-employed people and dumped them in the sh1t. Mental ill health is rife (most suicides during covid were self employed and those made redundant) 😪. I appreciate you're now at your whits ends, but him not functioning is not going to right itself if you leave. So talk to him. Help him to see his challenges by asking him to share how he feels with you etc. He def needs to earn money - so do a quick benefit check first - turn2us can help you see if there is anything you can claim and help.him look for a job to tide him over. Even contract work in his field will help.

Good luck xxx

CheeseTouch · 21/05/2023 20:45

Luredbyapomegranate · 21/05/2023 20:26

This is a sensible suggestion. The finances aren’t sustainable and you are already doing what you possibly can. He needs to take extra work temporarily whilst the business is picking up, or else fold it and get a full time job.

If you want to feel better prepared for this conversation, make an appointment to speak with your local Citizens Advice service. It is free and confidential. Ask them what you would be entitled to financially if you lived separately vs together in the current situation. Ask them for advice on the debt. Then make a list of outgoings to work out by how much you are short of covering household expenses each month. How long it is likely to be until you can’t manage the interest payments, or risk losing your home.

Present this to him. This is the reality he needs to face, and you’d prefer to face this together (assuming you would). If he can’t, you will leave, live as a single parent and claim maintenance.

MrsMoastyToasty · 21/05/2023 20:48

You need to spell out the worst case scenario to him

I am in debt
If I am in debt I cannot pay the rent on my wage alone.
If I am in debt, I can't pay the rent and BOTH of us will be homeless.

mrsm43s · 21/05/2023 21:03

Who's looking after the child while you're earning OP?

I actually think that money into the household should be shared equally regardless of who earns it, and find the idea of owing your partner money because of a period of non earning weird (potential financially abusive), but that does, of course, assume that both parties are either trying to earn money or doing childcare/household work.

On the basis of both parties should pay 50/50 regardless of earnings - I think a huge swathe of MN would owe their "high paying" DH's hundreds of thousands!

Summerfun54321 · 21/05/2023 21:30

If you didn't have a child then fine, he owes you money. But you are a family unit now. I would be horrified if my DH put his hand out and asked for money I owed him over the years and visa versa. You are supporting him through a tricky patch and he may well have to do the same for you later on in the relationship. Obviously it isn't sustainable as you are in debt but the fact you aren't willing to support him at all is sad and I'm not surprised it's emotional for him.

BennyBlancofromtheBronx · 21/05/2023 22:08

GeorgeA12 · 21/05/2023 20:05

Mix56 this advice is wrong. A primary carer is the person that holds the child benefit which I'm assuming is the OP.

OP - the purpose of the primary carer is that the person who is not the primary carer would need to pay child maintenance to the primary carer if you split up. The person in receipt of child benefit is classed as the primary carer.

If you are not in receipt of the child benefit for your child then this would be a good step to try and change into your name.

You're completely wrong. Child benefit (and which parent receives it) has no bearing on who the court would consider to be the primary carer of the child.

BennyBlancofromtheBronx · 21/05/2023 22:10

@spiralizeme I think it's very clear that you need to split.

FloydPepper · 21/05/2023 22:17

mrsm43s · 21/05/2023 21:03

Who's looking after the child while you're earning OP?

On the basis of both parties should pay 50/50 regardless of earnings - I think a huge swathe of MN would owe their "high paying" DH's hundreds of thousands!

This is mumsnet so what you are saying only counts if the non working person (doing childcare?) is a woman

if they’re a man they are a lazy freeloading arse

determinedtomakethiswork · 21/05/2023 22:23

So many people who are self-employed don't seem to realise that, unless it brings in an income, it's just a hobby. A lot of people who are self-employed are unemployable as well. They can still be very successful, but actually nobody else would want them working for them.

You are not going to get that £9000 back. I think you need to face that pretty quickly so that you don't rely on it.

I think I would give him one chance to straighten this out. I'd give him two weeks to get a job and if he doesn't then I would leave.

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 21/05/2023 22:38

Who is looking after the baby while you are working? Who is doing most of the housework and cooking? What does he do during the day? If he is doing the childcare then thats a huge cost. But if he is not doing any of that and expecting you to pay his way then thats a situation that needs to end.

SusanMaria · 22/05/2023 01:29

@Dibbydoos your adult DC are no longer legally your financial responsibility and can claim universal credit each if they're unable to work, even if they live with you. That should boost your family's finances quite a bit. It's means tested but as they're not officially your dependants they're each a household of one. One has zero income and one has PIP which is disregarded as income. So unless they have shitloads of savings making them ineligible for universal credit, they're missing out.

OP your partner won't be having an 8mth old 50/50. especially if you happen to be breastfeeding. At 8mths I doubt he'd even have them overnight. If he thinks he should he can take you to court and the judge can decide in your favour because that's what's sensible. Except he can't afford to take you to court so that won't be happening either. You hold all the power here, you're not married so no divorce to get, you're the mother so baby stays with you, you're the one with a job, universal credit will help with childcare unless you're well off. You can solve this situation. Leave partner to stew in the mess he's made. Make sure when you go that you have yourself removed from any utilities bills and rental agreement, otherwise if he doesn't pay they can come after you for the debts.

As for the person saying families share finances and often only one earns. Yes, but in those cases the one earning isn't generally the one going through pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding and doing majority childcare!

Original poster

spiralizeme · 22/05/2023 09:59

For the people asking about childcare. I do it ALL.

He leaves the house at 7am to go gym and then the co working space and gets home at 4:30pm.

I look after baby and work simultaneously all day.

He then has baby from 430-6 whilst I exercise.

I then do baby's bath & bed and get baby down for 630pm.

My work begins at 7pm and ends at 10pm

OP posts:

Original poster

spiralizeme · 22/05/2023 10:01

To be clear My work CALLS begins at 7pm - 10pm

The work I do during the day is emails/ admin when baby is sleeping.

I own my own business so I am able to schedule my working day this way.

OP posts:

bryceQ · 22/05/2023 10:06

Wtf so you do all childcare and pay for everything?

He is out all day and not really earning? What is his job in a co-working space? Why can't he be at home helping?

This sounds like a ridiculous setup and exhausting for you.

SapphOhNo · 22/05/2023 10:14

It sounds like he's trying to intimidate you into backing off on the subject.

Get rid of this man now.

abmac95 · 22/05/2023 10:16

Do you use childcare? If he isnt working he needs to at least look after the kid so that you can save the money you would have spent on childcare.

MaggieBsBoat · 22/05/2023 10:22

This is awful @spiralizeme .
A decent person and good man would just get any job they can to pay the bills. It’s how life works. I’m a lawyer but I’ve worked in factories, supermarkets, call centres, markets, and I would do so again if I had to in order to pay my bills and feed my kids. WTAF makes him so special?

On top of that, you are doing everything!
Give him an ultimatum. Say you cannot pay for the everything anymore. You are down by 9k and just cannot do it. Give him until the end of June. That’s plenty of time.
In the meantime look for a new flat for yourself or expect to get him out in a month if he reacts badly.
Are you joint tenants?

Parisj · 22/05/2023 10:27

I'd say tell me a time this week when you are ready to talk about how we get ourselves out of this financial hole. Its not your fault or my fault that it happened but it is our responsibility to face it and fix it. I want to do that together but if you keep ignoring it and treating me this way then that might change.

You need to stop the lending - have shared finances or don't, but its pointless calling in a loan from him because his finances have sunk you, there's an obvious flaw there.

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 22/05/2023 10:37

You would be happier with him gone. I think you will have to accept you will never see the money he has taken from again. But you can stop his theft now by ending it.

TokyoSushi · 22/05/2023 10:43

OP, this sounds a bit crazy. If he can't afford to pay any bills, it's going to be a very long time until he can afford to pay you back £9K.

He needs to shape up or ship out.

CheeseTouch · 22/05/2023 10:45

He isn’t contributing much at all. Does he really want to be in this relationship? Please do as I suggested. Gather the facts and support to resolve this, either with or without his support. But please don’t carry on as yoU are.

Flip

1 2 3