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Original poster

I am so upset... please please help me

73 replies

spiralizeme · 21/05/2023 19:19

I am in my bedroom crying as I just feel at a loss as what to do.

Me and my partner have a 8 month baby and both work. We (are supposed to ) split everything 50/50 (rent, bills etc)

His financial situation took a nosedive when covid meant he had to fold his business. He has now started a new one but business is very slow.

I started picking up his rent a few times and loaning him money which was not ideal but I was empathetic to his situation and understand we are a team.

The debts added and added and now he owes me £9000 which is ALOT for me. My own finances are now very unstable as a result.

I think he needs to get just a normal job (window cleaner, driver, bar work... ANYTHING) to just start bringing some money in. He says he is looking but ...... nothing yet!! 🤷🏻‍♀️

I know he always gets very defensive when I speak about it because I guess he feels imasculated etc, so I rarely say anything.

But over dinner tonight I brought it up, saying I do need the money back as we have bills to pay and asked if he has he got a plan for this week to try and find some "for now" work. I was purposely very mindful of my words and tried to not sound in anyway condescending.

He ended up getting very defensive and saying I was being confrontational and he was shouting his words at me.

It ended in me crying and I am now hiding in the bedroom feeling at an absolute loss.

Right now I feel like I want to take our 8 month old baby and leave. I feel angry. I worked like a dog throughout my whole pregnancy and postpartum to save money and he has eaten up all those savings and now won't even communicate with me like an adult.

What should I do/ say? Please help.

OP posts:

overitunderit · 22/05/2023 10:50

Did you loan him money to pay his half of the bills? It seems like a weird thing to do if you're meant to be a team- shouldn't you just be covering his half whilst he builds his business if you can afford to? I wouldn't expect my husband to pay my half of some bills and note the actual amount down and then tell me I owed him the money back, I would expect him to support me financially whilst I build up my business as long as he and we could afford to and on the knowledge that there may be a time in the future when it's the other way round. Then again it sounds like you're not married? Are you planning to get married?

He's probably feeling over sensitive and defensive to his lack of earning power at the moment which is why he reacted the way he did.

TheCreamTeaWasFromMe · 22/05/2023 10:55

He doesn't pay his way and does 90 minutes of childcare a day - that's it.

I really hope this man has some amazing features which compensate for the fact that he leeches off you.

You are being taken for a complete mug.

And for those saying that they should have equally shared finances - it's not recommended when there are such vastly different financial situations and they aren't married. If they went into "what's mine is yours" right now, then OP would be carrying all the risk - as the only person earning reliably.

Aaaaandbreathe · 22/05/2023 11:51

BennyBlancofromtheBronx · 21/05/2023 22:08

You're completely wrong. Child benefit (and which parent receives it) has no bearing on who the court would consider to be the primary carer of the child.

Show quote history

They're not at court though and he wouldn't be able to afford to go. Plus he has a business so is working, it's just not making money. If he was a stay at home Dad and planned to stay that way then that might be different but it sounds like he does want to earn, he just wants to do it the way he wants. And if OP gets the child benefit then currently she is seen as primary carer.

I get what people are saying about money being both of theirs (that's how I've always done it), but 9k is a lot of money even if shared to have been used when there is an alternative option ie he gets a side job.

It's really selfish of him not to do put as much effort in as the OP has to ensure bills are paid and they don't end up homeless, they both have a child they are responsible for.

TimeSlipMushroom · 22/05/2023 12:07

Do you think he will agree to sit down with you and calmly look at income and expenditure as a family unit?

I was all for advising you to leave and cut your losses until I read that your work calls are 7pm to 10pm. What happens now if your baby wakes up during this time. As a single parent this could be tricky

QueenBitch666 · 22/05/2023 15:59

You've got a Cocklodger. Get rid

Original poster

spiralizeme · 22/05/2023 19:20

Following the argument last night, I messaged him this morning at 9am to say I have gone (with baby) to stay at my Mums down the road for a night to clear my head.

It's now 7:30pm and no reply.... don't know what to think right now

OP posts:

FiddleLeaf · 22/05/2023 19:31

I’d be done & asking him to move out.

Do you love him?

Atishoos · 22/05/2023 19:39

Would he be able to spend time in the co working space on his "business" if you weren't subsidising it? Seems like a hobby or dodging reality to me.

How is the house/flat set up? are you the sole tenant or are both of you on the lease?

I doubt you will see any of the 9k back TBH, and working on that basis it is probably better to cut and run and start afresh. It is great that you can stay at Mum's to get a bit of breathing and thinking space.

But deep down I think you really do know what is best...

swanling · 22/05/2023 19:44

spiralizeme · 22/05/2023 19:20

Following the argument last night, I messaged him this morning at 9am to say I have gone (with baby) to stay at my Mums down the road for a night to clear my head.

It's now 7:30pm and no reply.... don't know what to think right now

How does he normally deal with tough emotions?

That non-response could easily be someone so distressed they've shut down. It's not necessarily lack of care.

HappyHamsters · 22/05/2023 19:45

I would call the agent tomorrow and ask if you can take your name off the tenancy if you want to leave him . Check your standing orders with the bank and have you got any joint accounts. Can you work from your mums house? Can you stay with her and he will have to come up with the rent. I would be looking at benefits too for yourself.

swanling · 22/05/2023 19:46

Because he does sound like quite a "head in the sand" kind of person when things get difficult.

Brefugee · 22/05/2023 19:49

Oh dear, this doesn't sound good. But. You need to decide for yourself how much more you can afford to subsidise him. And the honest answer to yourself will probably be no.

So can you cut your losses? You live together in a rented place? can you go to live with your family for a while while you get your head sorted and find somewhere for you and your baby?

swanling · 22/05/2023 19:50

HappyHamsters · 22/05/2023 19:45

It's been 24 hours since they had the argument. Op has been at her mum's so no chance for them to even discuss since. He can't talk to someone who's not there.

I don't think making rash decisions like that is helpful and I'm not sure why people would encourage it.

whatsupdoc2 · 22/05/2023 19:52

Meadowfly · 21/05/2023 20:06

He does sound awful. But I don’t understand why he needs to pay you back, you are a family. In most families where one parent isn’t working the other isn’t keeping a tally of what the other one ‘owes’ them.

This. All the same he needs to get a job and start paying his way.

Valour · 22/05/2023 19:59

Do you think his business will actually make decent money, OP? I'd be okay to pay more when I have more, but if he's living in cloud cuckoo land, it's not sustainable.

SusanMaria · 23/05/2023 00:58

She can't afford to. He's spent her savings. With no advance discussion about wanting her to foot the bill for everything and no agreement from her to do so. If OP wanted to blow £9k savings she could have spent it on a longer maternity leave for herself. She didn't want to spend it at all, but he kept not having the money to pay his share.

I'm don't think it's helpful to make rash decisions like that and I'm not sure why people would encourage it.

Because these arseholes don't change and those of us who've been there know it. They agreed on 50/50 finances and he's reneged on the agreement, failing to pay his share. He's started to display abusive behaviour because she doesn't want to fund his fledgeling business or give him the £9k savings she's so far loaned him. Running for the hills before she ends up giving him even more money that she doesn't want to give him, is sensible. Given that it's unlikely to be documented the dribs and drabs adding up to £9k is a loan meaning she's highly unlikely to see it again. Is not a rash decision anyway, she's tried and tried to discuss it, he shouts and blames and twists things and shuts her down. She can't have a conversation by herself, it takes two and he's refusing.

OP he's playing mind games by ignoring you. It's supposed to make you think about him, focus your mind on him and wonder what's going on, what he's thinking or going to do, to worry. It's deliberate. If your mind is on him you're not thinking about you. He's probably expecting you to slink back after one night with your tail between your legs (although you've done absolutely nothing wrong) and apologise for not being a doormat last night. Try to put him out of your mind and focus purely on what's best for you and what you want to do, how you want to live your life both right now and long term, baring in mind that him changing isn't an option. What's best for baby is to have a happy mum modelling healthy relationships, not an unhappy browbeaten doormat who always does as she's told. I'm glad you have your parents support.

Fraaahnces · 23/05/2023 01:24

Before you do anything, get him to sign an agreement that he has loaned £900 from you with the intention of paying you back. If you don’t have this, you have no way of getting this money returned.
THEN move ahead with leaving him. If he really wanted to change his life, he would.

Original poster

spiralizeme · 23/05/2023 12:51

Thanks for replies everyone.

I am staying at Mums again tonight but meeting him tonight for a chat in a local cafe.

I am basically going to put cards on table and say...

"I can't afford to keep you any longer. My savings that I worked for throughout entire pregnancy and postpartum (whilst you were at home watching footie) are for our daughter, not you, and you are eating your way through them.

I will not be subsidising you any more. This has gone on nearly 3 years and you need to sort it.

I need to make a plan for me and baby. If you can't pay next months rent, then me and her will move into my parents until you have sorted your shit out"

Is there anything else I should say?

OP posts:

OrlandointheWilderness · 23/05/2023 13:24

How long have you been together OP? What sort of man is he apart from this?

Fraaahnces · 23/05/2023 13:28

Definitely get an IOU in writing. Preferably witnessed by people in the cafe. If you have to give him the idea that the relationship is contingent on this, do so until you have that in your hands. THEN leave it somewhere he can’t get it like your mum’s and kick the bludger out.

caringcarer · 23/05/2023 15:02

Datafan55 · 21/05/2023 19:36

If you said/say - 'I can't sub you for the rent this month, I have no more left (ie you need to find x in the next couple of weeks)...' Would that not drive him out? I mean, one would hope so...

Have you got a 'official' record of how much you have lent him (ie just in case)?

This. Just tell him you won't subsidise him anymore. Either he stumps up his half of the rent or he leaves. There are so many jobs out there if he wanted one. Get him to join a job agency and they even find the job for you. He sounds lazy and selfish. He is a parent now he needs to step up and support his child. If he left you would get UC top up and rent help.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 23/05/2023 15:06

I'm confused why it is you that has to stay at your Mums is your home in his name? Can't you just throw him out? Have you got family who can be with you when you do?

caringcarer · 23/05/2023 15:10

If you are renting you need to tell LL you are leaving so your name gets taken off of the rental agreement.

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