Mom vs career-woman - advice needed

[sonta8]

Heyy,

All moms here who are working in highly competitive and intense jobs - how did you manage the change from career women to career women + mom?

We are trying to conceive now. I find it hard to reconcile that I am adding another priority in life apart from my career goals. It’s quite scary. I am worried I won’t be as ambitious anymore or will resent having a baby if my career starts suffering. I do really want to have a baby. But, can I still dream of being super successful in my career or I am making a choice to let that dream go?

It would be great to hear your experiences. How did you manage it all?

Has anyone ever asked a question about being a Dad vs career-man? No.

It is never even considered. You need to sit down and have a conversation about how exactly you are going to both pull together and share the parenting load. It shouldn't all be down to the mother sacrificing her career.

Fair enough! My husband is super supportive to be honest - and happily would do half of the workload.

The thing that bothers me though - in reality every mom in my company or I know professionally has slowed down in her career growth. I don’t know any women who have started companies post becoming a mom.

In my good days, I do feel I can do it all. But it would be great to have some examples, some women I can look up to. So, if you are one of those people who have managed it all - it would be awesome to hear your experience.

I had my dc at 25 but at that time I was an established Manager in a finance company,

I had dc then went Pt after mat leave in a slightly different role where I didn't manage a team but had complex cases to manage and alot of demand on my but still alot of autonomy

When dc was 18months the opportunity came up for my "old job" and I took it.
In the 6 years since I've balanced my job and being a mum well. My salary has more than doubled since being a mum.
I travel alot for work in my current job, every week I am away 1-2 nights sometimes 3 nights DH picks up the home life in this time

Ofcourse there have been times where I've thought is this move to the next role fair on dc but I've always made it work

I'm lucky to have great family support though and now dc is in school we only pay for out of school care 1x a week for example

But in all honesty I have a great husband who does more than his fair share and has supported me evey step so its not been a massive impact on our family I'm both a mum and an established name in my organisation and wider industry

Unless your husband is prepared to do a lot more than half you will take a hit

Schools and nursery will always ring the mother first if they have your number

You will take some break because it's bad to rush back to work- for your body , and you may well be under par during the pregnancy - no one can predict how it will make them feel

Also there is a tendency for employers to make assumptions about mothers than won't help - whereas fathers tend to get a career boost just because they are a father

But you might find career is less important than a happy family

I think in most cases the only way you can continue pushing yourself at work post-kids to the same degree you did pre-kids (if that's what you want) is to have lots of childcare support (whatever form that takes) as well professional support ie a place that values work/life balance and actively promotes women.

I worked my proverbial dick off during my 20s and early 30s in a high pressure industry (all-nighters, weekends, etc). But I found that when I had my DC, my interests and priorities changed which resulted in me happily shifting to a less intense environment. But obviously you might feel differently and should pursue whatever path feels right for you.

Great to hear your story @Switchingup Thanks for sharing!

Thanks @midgemadgemodge ! DH also is in an intense job. He would be okay taking up a larger share of the workload from time to time. Especially if there are deadlines etc that I need to meet at work. But I probably would need to do my share.

Thanks @BlameItOnTheGoose ! Good point on childcare support - we definitely need to plan our finances around this.

It also depends on how you define "career success" and "ambitious"? People have very different ideas of what those things look like.

Your particular goals will determine what's possible and what strategies are useful.

I know plenty in women who've been promoted since having kids, even though all of us have children under 6 and most have had 2 maternity leaves in that time. I also only know one or two who have taken a role that is a step down. Most couples I know the men and women earn similar. My kids' school/nursery definitely wouldn't phone me over their dad as they know I won't answer! But perhaps we are in lower level jobs than you are talking about, even though they are all professional/graduate roles typical of people in their 30s/early 40s.

Your priorities and mindset might change after you've given birth. But it's good that you are thinking ahead to some degree. It's good to think about childcare options and have a look at your employer's family friendly policies. Some parents at my workplace went part time upon returning to work, some compressed their full time work into 4 days. You seem really determined to make it work, I'm sure you will find a way that suits you

Everyone I know who grew up with a highly successful (or unsuccessful) career woman as a mother, had chosen to play a bigger role in her own children's lives.... so basically the opposite of how they were brought up.

Just saying

1. Equal share of parenting with Dad inc shared leave/flex working.
2. Know when to take a step back at work when DC need you or it's overwhelming.
3. It's still a career part time (and a good example)
4. Diary in family commitments like projects and give them the same priority.
5. Don't aim for perfection, parenting is a job too.

Essentially @tailinthejam nailed it. Nobody asks men the question. Why not?

I also really worried that I wouldn't be so ambitious and focused after having children. But in hindsight I can't work out why I couldn't understand that if my mindset changed then inherently I wouldn't be sad about that because what I wanted would have changed. I guess it was a fear of being 'boring', and an internalized misogyny - I didn't want to be one of those women who stepped back after kids.

My attitude to work did really change after children. I ended up leaving a career that at one point was my whole focus and identity in life. 25 year old me would be horrified. But I'm much happier overall than she was, and I think she was a bit stupid to put so much into a job that, as it turned out, did not love her back.

You may or may not feel like that. If you want to keep going exactly as you were pre-kids that will be possible if you can afford the childcare to support it.

That’s not been my experience at all, friends who have successful mothers have also become successful themselves. Once became CEO a year after coming back from maternity leave.

I was promoted to the senior leadership team 5 months after returning from maternity leave. Honestly I have not felt having a baby has changed my life that much. I may feel different had they been a bad sleeper - ours slept a solid 12hrs a night from 10 weeks. We have a cleaner, and split any other household tasks evenly. He does pick ups and I do drop offs.

I walked away from my city job. Took 6 years out then set up my own business. Don’t let anybody make you feel bad for your choices.

Replied on your other identical thread.

I took a step back from work when my first Mat leave came to an end…because I was made redundant. But I loved every minute of being home with my daughter. After I had my son, I reconnected with an old boss who was pushing towards retirement but not being that successful at taking her foot off the pedal. I picked up the slack and gradually took over the business. It became mine fully when my son was properly established in primary school. But I know I am extremely lucky. I work for myself, I choose my hours, keep the number of clients I have to an amount that allows me to effectively work part time. I now earn more part time than I ever did full time. My husband meanwhile continued working his way up the career ladder. But it’s only now that they are teenagers that he has the regrets - of not seeing school plays or being around more in the evenings, attending parents evenings
etc. He is obviously extremely grateful that I could and chose to do all of this but in hindsight he is now aware that you can’t get that time back and I think it really bothers him. So I’d say, while you may well be able to ‘have it all’, just ask yourself whether you’ll have any regrets in 15 years time - regrets about your career or about the way you slotted your children into your life. It’s a tough one. You need to be happy but you also need to have the foresight to think about how you’ll feel years down the line.

In my experience you probably do need to adjust your expectations a bit.

I have remained FT in a high pressured and often demanding job. I have two kids, 3 and 7. I got a big promotion during my first mat leave. In some ways I have continued to be successful. But I’m now seen as average at best which I put down to not being able to push myself as hard as I used to, but more importantly not being able to work in the same way as my (mainly male) peers, most of whom have wives who don’t work or have taken a step back and work part time.

I can no longer stay past 6pm most days in the office, and logging back on again at 8pm is unrealistic with sh1t sleepers (usually 9pm at the earliest for me). I can’t accept a last minute invite to a client dinner. I can’t travel on a days notice. I can’t work all weekend to get a proposal done that landed at 5pm on a Friday, or do a proposal on holiday, which means handing the opportunity to someone else. All things that most of my peers don’t give a second thought to. Yes it’s disrupted to their family life as well but seems to be accepted.

One male peer even asked me the other day how I manage, said he couldn’t do his job if his wife worked as well.

But I know it won’t be like this forever and to me it’s worth hanging on in there so I can retire when the kids are in their teens.

I may or may not fit your definition of successful. I don’t earn 6 figures, but am very senior in my organisation. Since having kids I’ve had several promotions… and then taken a backwards step to work part time when dc needed me more… and then after 2 years applied for a full time position a couple of steps up from where I was before elsewhere. I’ve always done the majority of school runs (nursery is easier as open longer) and I have always gone to all plays/ parents evenings (using annual leave by the hour if needed, or doing meetings at 3am/ on weekends/ evenings and claiming time back). I’m lucky I can wfh if a child is sick or there is an inset day. The first few months in a new job is hardest, as that sort of flexibility seems to only be earned once you prove yourself indispensable!

Should add I have a FT nanny who works 60 hours a week. I probably make it back for bedtime 4/5 nights a week.

I think if you are in a job where you often work evenings and/or weekends it’s really hard. That time just doesn’t exist in the same way anymore. For those type of jobs I think it helps to get as senior as possible before having kids as you seems to get more flexibility/can manage your own schedule somewhat.

I grew up with a SAHM and went back to work full time when my baby was 12 weeks.

It happens both ways.

It is a lot harder than you think. There are people who make it look easy but many successful women suffer from PND and struggle to be at home with a baby. I did both times .
You need a supportive partner who pulls their weight, good childcare - needs sorting before they are born, cleaner etc.

Your priorities will change and you will feel conflicted when you can’t go to parents assemblies once a week at 9am, or open days or concerts which are arranged at short notice. Your children don’t get play dates if you aren’t available to go too / and or friendly.

My children are now 7 and 11, and I manage by scanning school letters, diaries and planning holiday childcare like mad. It is much better once your child sleeps reliably but beware many children wake frequently and want to get in your bed until they are 4 or 5.

The questions to ask yourself are how much family / partner support you have? How much flexibility is their in your role? This is worth a lot.

Although it has been tough I love my career and being a mother. career wise you need to be as senior as possible before children.

it depends on how you define ambition and success. I know plenty of parents with high-powered and intense careers who manage to balance those roles with parenting. DH and I are among those ranks. We did make a conscious decision though not to worry about being the absolute best.

I have still reached the highest level of promotion that I would ever want. DH still earns large bonuses. I work for a non-profit so no bonuses in my field. Maybe we could be doing more, but the place we are at still puts us on an incredibly comfortable and privileged position within society.

We had some really eye opening conversations in our friend group years back, with people realizing that whether you ran yourself ragged or you just did a very good job, you would still get promoted and get raises. Maybe it would be ever so slightly faster or bigger if you worked yourself into an early grave, but companies don’t actually have any incentive to pay you more.

Sure enough, it turns out that being very good employees is good enough.

I work in the kind of field you describe and unfortunately the older women who have suceeded and are at the top who have children in effect have house husbands or a lot of private money. They range from older husbands who have retired and on a second/third wife, men who have given up a low paid career to support their wife or where there is a lot of private income sloshing around to support child care costs.

It is changing but very slowly and it's still the case that the time demands and need to be available mean that women need supportive partners - which doesn't just mean lip service and taking the bins out. It means understanding and accepting that when job unexpectedly requires you working late or past school pick up time that he will do that willingly and happily to support you.