Mom vs career-woman - advice needed

[sonta8]

Heyy,

All moms here who are working in highly competitive and intense jobs - how did you manage the change from career women to career women + mom?

We are trying to conceive now. I find it hard to reconcile that I am adding another priority in life apart from my career goals. It’s quite scary. I am worried I won’t be as ambitious anymore or will resent having a baby if my career starts suffering. I do really want to have a baby. But, can I still dream of being super successful in my career or I am making a choice to let that dream go?

It would be great to hear your experiences. How did you manage it all?

Don't over analyse. It happens organically (the transition). And you know the answer to this. Look around at the men you work alongside. Do they have to put in as much effort as you? Do you have to try harder and be better all the time because you are a woman? Yes, you do, so you're already at 110% so if there a bit of temporary tiredness, distraction, whatever - you'll be fine.

This is the opposite to my experience. All my friends have maintained and grown their careers. It’s got progressively easier. My youngest is 16 and it was tough when mine were young because there was no flexible working and no exceptions were made was pregnant women. Post baby, the same was expected. I was working in PR then and the expectations were that you would work until the job was done.
Now there is flexibility, paternity leave etc, and most workplaces are more family friendly. I work now for a large international consultancy and the norm around the world is that parents are parents. Men are as likely as women are to leave to pick up a sick child, go to a school assembly to to the school run, etc. I’ve several male colleagues with wives in roles were they’re unable to just up and go so they are the first point of contact.

me too. It's much easier now than it used to be. Virtually all the senior women I know professionaly have kids. I work for a startup and one of the original team is female. Females breaking into the upper echelons is still an issue, I grant you, but that's a misogyny thing I think, not. Evaise you have children.

My DC ages range from 18-10. When the 18y old was in reception, I was the only working mother. With the 10y old it was about 60% mother's with jobs so way less issues and much easier to find local childcare. With cost of living etc I reckons it's a lot closer to 100pc now. Being a working mother is much more acceptable than it was 20 years ago and provisions have adapted accordingly. You are lucky you are at this stage now, embrace it.

You will still encounter sexism and misogyny, often on a daily basis, but men can't openly discriminate against women in the workplace for having kids anymore.

If you “want it all” you’ll need a fantastic Nanny.

I had an interesting conversation with a man at work a few years ago. He said that his biggest advice to someone with young kids was to just accept that you might have to cruise for a few years while they're really young and then push hard again after. Especially if you both have full on jobs or you have more than one child. It all depends on the child you get and support you have, obviously!

Anyway, I also got promoted off mat leave with my first and it was hard work but ok. The hardest thing was feeling like the only one juggling as I watched all the dads work hard whole the mums covered everything else.

It depends on what you want post baby, what your support network is like, what childcare you can afford and what hours you work. If you have the resources you can carry on as normal. But you might find your feelings change.

I've had surprising emotions post kids. Firstly, I no longer interested in working long hours. Life's too short and I want to see my children. I changed sector and work a lot less. My career has taken a hit but I just don't have the head space or time to work like I used to.

Part of the problem is my industry is very much based on presentism and judging you on how much time you devote to work. I dare say this is a symptom of a male led system. We are all expected to go above and beyond and not complain about working evenings and weekends. I find this so hard because I simply can't compete with that.

What's also frustrating is that I think I believe in myself a lot more since becoming a mum and in some ways I'm ready for a 'big role' but I'm also not. I've sort of written it off for a few years.

It's hard, but I will say I never resent my kids. I resent being in a system where we are expected to be one dimensional bots without a life outside work. It's a misogynistic system.

I resent being in a system where we are expected to be one dimensional bots without a life outside work. It's a misogynistic system.

I think this depends on your job. I work in a field where it is essential to the job to be available to finish the job. Not this but for example, if you start on brain surgery where things go wrong and it takes longer than you thought, it just isn't possible to say I'm leaving now because it's 4.30 and I've got to pick up my children. It isn't misogyny its just the nature of the job. There are lots of fields like that.

A corrolary of that is that in many of these fields your value, status, speed of ladder climbing depends on your experience and experience with more and more difficult work issues that builds on your previous experience. In turn this means that a person man or woman who has worked full time for 12 years has more experience and will progress more than a person who has had 3 children and taken one year off with each and worked part time for a year after that returning slowly.

In some jobs (not all and probably mostly professions with career structures) that difference - 12 years full time as against 3 years full time, 3 years not working plus 3 years part time - is absolutely huge. I'm just using this is an illustration but all I'm saying is that I don't think it's all deliberaterly misogynistic and it depends on your field.

Thanks a lot everyone! ❤This is soooo helpful. Thanks for your inspiring stories 🚀

I feel more confident that I will be able to make it work 🤗I am going to save this thread and read it whenever I feel lost.

Two keys to this (speaking from experience of v big job and three kids):

1. Awesome husband who does loads despite equally big job. Get him doing half the wife work not just “helping” - eg mine takes total responsibility for laundry, I never think about it.
2. A really really good nanny. Pay plenty. Search hard. Treat them brilliantly. Look for someone who will share your key values on discipline, education etc (whatever those are) and who will LOVE your kids.

with those two in hand, and kids who are healthy and lucky, it can be pretty awesome.

If your husband doesn't already do half of the lifework, without you having to ask and ask and remind, you're in trouble.

That’s true! I suppose my priorities might change. My current self hates the thought but I would be happy in that case as well 😊

Thanks ❤

Thanks! That’s a good point. My current employer has some decent maternity leave and flexible working. So - will probably try to stick around here for a bit

Thanks @Howmanysleepsnow ! This is really inspiring ❤

I am lucky in this regard 😊He actually does his part.

If your an ambitious successful woman you won't lose that .the only change will be you will become a hardworking ambitious career and also mum. Some women like to stay at home; others work at careers but are still amazing mums, that's when you realise we do our best

Honestly? You can't really do both. If you have the sorts of job that require long hours, then you can't be a good parent too. Something will have to give. I don't know any mother who has a "big" job and successful career unless her husband does the majority of the load (or child is always in childcare/, with a nanny etc, in which case what's the point of having children). It's the sad reality and I don't know why people aren't more honest about it.

Your OP sounds like a journalist request. Just saying.

I had the same worried two years ago when I was pregnant. I was ambitious, worked late, climbed the ladder and didn’t have to worry about working late/ weekends etc. I loved having that busy all important job.

fast forward, my priorities have shifted. I love spending time with my child and whilst my peers have all been promoted and I do look at promotions whilst fully, I am thinking of trying for another very soon so best to stay put where they know me and my abilities which have rewarded me with a lot of flexibility.

even though I love being a mum and around for all the good parts I know I will once again join the moving ladder when I am ready.

good luck!

My experience is you can't have it all. Your career will suffer, although that doesn't mean forever.

But you'll also want to prioritise your family and you'll get a bigger perspective to life.

I guess you need to have a good think about whether work can come second to you. If not, then I think perhaps kids aren't the thing for you - which is ok, we all have different priorities and lifestyles.

My baby goes to nursery full time but I still feel like we have plenty of quality time together and that's what's important, quality over quantity.

I did wait until I was in a senior role and can be more flexible which is a reason why it works so well for me. I do feel like I have a good balance and it can be possible to achieve and I'm being totally honest with myself.

What kind of childcare are you going to have?

But something has to give. How many hours are you spending at work? If your answer is much longer than full time 40 hours, then where are you spending time with your child? It doens't mean you become a mum only. I don't work over time but I have a full time professional job. DH is the same. We share childcare and homework and extra cirricular equally.

For your information, both my DC went to full time nursery and then childminder after and before school. But I don't work outside of those 8 to 6 hours. Using private schools, you will also have most of the extra cirricular sorted. Have a look at all these options and see if it can ease your worry.