Can employer force me to take compassionate leave?

[Wibblewibbles]

My DH has been very unwell and work are trying to get me to agree to take compassionate leave to spend time with him. I don’t want to. Not in a horrible way - just that I find carrying on as normal really beneficial and a way of grounding myself. My quality of work hasn’t suffered. Can they force me to take it even if I don’t want to?

really? That is a poorly and ambiguous contract.

but in that case, you would need in writing what they mean when they say “whenever” you’re ready.

because I can tell you for sure that there will be a limit

I imagine it is so they can use their discretion and judge on a case by case basis. But anyway I don’t need to research that really as I don’t want compassionate leave in the first place!

People are becoming hung up now on what "compassionate leave" is and what the contract says. That is only relevant if the employer won't allow compassionate leave. The kind of leave is a red herring. An employer had the right to "suspend with pay / grant any and all additional leave (whatever you call it) with pay leave" if they want to. Getting dragged into side alleys will only confused things more. The employer can enforce paid leave. The OP, if they want to resist that, must persuade the employer not to do so. It's that simple.

Can you write to your manager and state clearly that you wish to continue to work as per your current hours for the time being and that you will let them know if / when you need to take any compassionate leave?

And your coping mechanism is totally normal. I had a headteacher friend who lost her husband but continued to work up until his last few days. Then she took 2 weeks compassionate leave.

You should not be made to feel that you are doing anything wrong by wishing to keep to your usual routine for as long as possible.

Explain to them that the continuity of your job is the only thing keeping you sane at the moment, and that's what you need. Thank them profusely for the offer of compassionate leave, and say that as soon as you feel it is needed, then you will let them know.

No they can’t make you take compassionate leave, but if you was having lots of absences or the quality of your work went down then you’d be forced down a HR/performance plan I would imagine. Your manager would probably feel awful having to go down this route given your situation.

I think they probably have your best interest at heart but if you explain you like the distraction and routine of work and want to carry on, then they shouldn’t have a problem.

@Quveas thank you for your explanation. What do you think the best way of persuading them to let me keep working would be?

I think you just need to say that until you tell them otherwise, you want to work as normal. Say to them that if the amended hours don't suit them you can revert back to the old hours. Then say that they can be assured that if and when you are ready to take leave you will let them know.

I'm sorry op, they don't know what to do because you are not fulfilling the expected role of grieving etc, and they don't know how to deal with it. Maybe you are in denial, maybe you should spend time with your husband, it is up to you.

Assuming you are right and this is not causing them problems and your performance isn't slipping, then I would probably suggest being polite but blunt. Ask them why they are forcing this issue despite your resistance, explain why this is what you feel you need right now, and that if they have concerns they can have a fit note from your GP - if I were a manager in a similar position I think I'd be more reassured by that than one from OH, if my concerns were about your wellbeing or health as OH don't know you like a GP hopefully ought to.

I know you want them to listen to you, but you need to listen to them too. They have a legal duty to you, and how they see that duty may be very duty to how you see things. For example, in some workplaces I might be concerned that it only takes one slip of concentration to result in an injury. Context is individual. I wouldn't force it on a member of staff without a very good reason in my workplace, but I've worked in places where I might seriously consider it. But listening on both sides might unravel what the issue is and resolve it.

I am going to sound horrible now and I wouldn’t say this in real life- but home is all about DH. Our world revolves around him and his illness and his treatments. Work is mine. It’s where I can be me. And not DH’s wife. Does that make sense?

Have you sat down and calmly explained this to work AND pointed out that no decline in your performance?

I think work doesn’t understand my desperation to stay working and it’s making me look more manic/ in need of help. They’ve said to me a few times it’s just a job and they will cope without me. I know they will. I’m not important enough to be missed. But to me right now it’s not just a job at all

Brilliant post!

Well then you need to sit down with them and enlighten them rather than just saying “no I’m fine”

So you think that you are coming across as manic and in need of help?

in that case it is not a surprise they are encouraging you to take the leave

No.I feel awful just typing it out never mind saying it. But I should.

@Wibblewibbles Of course it makes sense. It may also make sense to them. But none of us can unpick the motivation of the employer here. They might have a very good reason for their position. Or they may think you don't know your own mind. Or they may think that you are worried about your job despite what they say. Given that, no matter what the motivation, they seem to be going above and beyond in terms of the offer - most employers wouldn't dream of such an offer - then they must have a reason. Ask them. Tell them.

Not literally - it’s more that they think that I’m in denial as to what’s happening/ how bad things are (I assume). When that’s not the case at all. I know. I live and breathe it at home. I just want work to be different and “normal”. But the more “normal” I am the more it seems to unsettle people if that makes sense?

They are a brilliantly supportive employer. They offer everyone an amazing amount of support for all kinds of situations. I think I’ve freaked them a bit for not wanting any of the “stuff” they offer. I will speak to my boss again on Monday and try to be clear in my motivations/ reasons at least. I know they are concerned for my welfare. I know it’s coming from a good place. I just don’t want it

Absolutely

from their perspective you are possibly acting manic (your words) and admen’s it’s a hard no.

Talk to them

Admen’s?

OP, I did wonder if they worry (I am guessing DH isn't expected to recover) that you will regret not spending time with DH while he is still around.
But from what you say, is it the case that, if we're talking "quality / fun time", that ship has already sailed? That to an extent DH is so unwell that he is now very different from the man you married?

Regardless, as PPs have said, time to have a frank and civil conversation with management. There have been some wonderful suggestions above as to how to approach it.

I am sorry you are going through this. Do listen to anyone who has been through the same thing, but remember, the decision should be right for you personally.

I worked up to two weeks before DH died, and have no regrets, still had evenings and weekend with him. It allowed me to escape from just sitting there watching him die and yes it was where I could be me as at home and from with friends it was all about him which wasn’t wrong, but going to work and having a normal routine was breathing space

I had someone very similar to you in my old team which I left a few ago- in fact if it is you Pumpkin ;) please message me and I will help!

I would say they are worried about you but if it is genuinely not what you want put it in writing and tell them to back off.